Thursday, October 2, 2008

ducking

ok, i'm feeling tender right now. sometimes i get like this -- where everything hits me as condemnation and judgement and makes me wonder y i'm still here -- y papa doesn't just take me home because i'm just friggin miserable here. and right now is one of those times.

i'm looking for a job. before i had my children, i was an administrative secretary -- top of my game. an expert typist and did so well in one place of business that when i left the area and came back two years later, they rehired me because they never filled my vacancy. i felt good about myself because i had a profession in which i was good. something i was good at doing.

but i wanted desperately to be a mom. and i wanted to stay home with my babies and raise them myself and not give them over to someone else who didn't have my values or morals to raise. and so that's what i did. and now here i am 20 years later -- not able to get a job as a secretary because i don't have training in this or that new computer program. don't get me wrong -- i have kept up with my typing skills and my writing -- i am proficient on both Macs and PCs and could type up any manuscript quick as a whip. but i don't understand powerpoint, and i'm not proficient on excel and some of the programs that they want u to be able to use now, i haven't even heard of so i haven't got a clue what they might be. so yeah, now i feel like a dinosaur in the middle of jet planes.

yet, i'm trying to keep my chin up and faith in papa -- that he has just the right job out there for me, even though i don't have enough money to go get milk or bread or put gas in my car. and i've always been an encourager and i try to encourage others when i know they r struggling to. so i say something and then i get condemned and judged about what i've said that i should go to africa and then i'd know what real poverty is like, and that bagging groceries in a store isn't something to be ashamed of (i never said it was -- i just know i can't make ends meet on that salary and y should i have to when i could make twice as much as a secretary and get myself out of this financial hole i've dug).

ppl haven't walked in my shoes -- don't know my story for the most part -- and then feel its ok to shut me down with their words. what they don't realize is that its taken me a long time to get back to a place of feeling ok (notice i didn't say great) about myself from an emotionally abusive marriage that ended in divorce after 22 years. just throw something at me in a verbal or emotional way and i go back into the closet. and that's where i am -- in the closet.

this is gonna be so hard for me if i don't let papa guide me.

3 comments:

Lily said...

Sabina-- I'm sorry someone treated you harshly. People are so weird sometimes, and yes, they throw judgments around when they shouldn't. I totally understand why you don't want to bag groceries. The pay isn't what you need. Unfortunately I am in the same boat right now, having been a SAHM for most of 16 years. It's weird trying to get back into the work force. I'll keep you in prayer. And come on out of that closet. (well, not in the sense that our culture uses that phrase, but out of the condemnation closet-- oh-- you knew what I meant. )

Sabina said...

yes, i know what u meant lily.
trying to find a job that i'm qualified to do after being out of the job force for so long is just weird!! lol idk about u -- but i feel like i'm a zillion years behind in everything!!
i'll keep u in prayer too -- i think we have some things in common... certainly papa knows what he wants for us -- now he just needs to lead us to it...

Deer Mountain Wood Art said...

I hope you're feeling better Sabina! I feel so much of what you are saying and wonder often too why I'm being kept here to suffer. Faith is a mysterious thing and we much trust so blindly, but when we do, great things come to us!
I'm so glad you know Who to lean on in these tough times and know that you have friends here that you can talk to :0)
Always,
Freida