last night i watched Danny Silk from Bethel on their new live streaming webcast (go to www.ibethel.tv/onair for schedule of next webcast). he talked about dreams and started out by quoting the above scripture. this scripture is ingrained in my head ever since Sarah Morgan quoted it two years or so ago at a service i went to. i can read something several times over and not have it stick until someone else points it out. at any rate, ever since Sarah quoted it, its been in my head that i'm a lot of the first part of the verse (heart sick) and not much of the last part (longing fulfilled), and that it leaves me in this place of quiet discontent ALL THE TIME. its really annoying.
one of the things Danny suggested we do is write down our dreams so we can keep our focus on them. i've never done that. but i'm going to start.
at any rate, (i tend to say that a lot btw), one of my dreams since i was a child was to write -- to be a writer -- to write the "great american novel" so to speak. one could make the case that i do write (blogs), that i have been a writer (of a small column in a small paper), and that the "great american novel" is still kicking around somewhere in my head waiting to come out. but that is not quite how i pictured it would be. and maybe that's more where the discontent lies. there r lots of things i want to do -- dreams i have of doing, that weren't there a couple of years ago that r also messing me up now.
so here's the thing, this church that Papa God told me to leave is having a writers workshop -- i mean its like it was meant for me because now that i have Papa in my life, most of what i write about revolves around my relationship with him and his people. i'm still on the mailing list (email and snail mail) of this church so i've known for a little while that it was coming up because it was tagged on the ends of all the emails. i've tried to ignore it -- but it taunts me terribly. last week i got a card in the mail about the workshop and i'm like -- ok papa, i've tried to ignore this, but u know its making me heart sick not to be able to go to this. silence...
ok i admit that sometimes i don't listen so well. and i admit that sometimes i get things mixed up (ok that happens a lot). and sometimes i'm stubborn and close my eyes and ears so that i don't have to see or hear what i'm being told or shown because i know its gonna be uncomfortable and who likes uncomfortable. and sometimes papa is silent for a reason. i guess this is one of them. i think its a case of me being tested -- my integrity -- to see if i'll go for the bait even though i'm not supposed to be there.
so last night i'm talking to a friend of mine who still goes to this church. she was at the church last night to see a preacher (female) from Wales whom i adore. i had thought earlier in the day that i would go as well. certainly it would be ok just this once. but then things started to unravel late in the day and we ended up not going. at any rate, my friend was telling me about what the preacher had said and then she said to me, "if papa tells u its ok to come back, will u come back". it was an odd question because i just assumed that papa wanted me to stay away forever -- for whatever reason. and even though its making me heart sick to be away, i had to listen to papa -- didn't i?? my reply was -- yes, but will he ever say it??
where am i going with this -- i have no clue. if u know me at all, u know that sometimes i like to work things out on paper. idk y papa took me out of there -- idk y he won't let me go back -- idk y i'm being taunted with ppl (the preacher from wales) and things (the writing workshop) that so obviously i'm not meant to have. but its stuff like this that leads to my heart sickness and this level of discontent. i'm not david -- i don't have what it takes to keep going -- or the patience -- or if we look at my age, the time. i watched that webcast last night and realized that i'm not really happy here -- here is not where i want to be -- and Sheri said it when she said that we're meant to be content and yet discontent -- always wanting the more with papa.
i'm not a randy pausch who can look at his dream list after being diagnosed with a rare form of incurable cancer and say, wow, look at all the things i've accomplished on this list. i'm just little old me. someone who can't quite grasp the reality of being the daughter of a king. and someone who wonders when her longing will be fulfilled so that she can be a tree of life....