Friday, October 24, 2008

songs on the CD

i came across this unmarked CD in the midst of a bunch of CDs from guest speakers and prophetic stuff that was spoken over me. it was unmarked, so i shoved it into my computer and all it had on it to identify it was track 1, track 2, track 3, etc. no names or anything. i clicked on one of them and instantly recognized the band and pretty much knew who had given it to me or at the very least had let me borrow their's to copy.

funny how a piece of music can bring back a wave of memories and emotions. some things r hard to let go of, some things i am hesitant to let go for fear of losing them forever.

ppl think i'm weird and i admit that i probably am not "normal" in the true sense of the word. i feel too deeply and carry stuff in my heart that belongs to others along with my own muck. idk if i would call it a gift -- although some ppl have labeled it as that. sometimes it feels more like a curse because i'd love to let go of some this junk and move it out -- or at the very least move me farther away from it.

this one particular thing i'm lugging around in my heart right now, along with all the fond memories, has a lot of pain and regret attached to it and of course, every time i come across a song that reminds me of it. i'm put right back into that place. part of me can't seem to let go of it because it was a starting point for me on a path that i'm now traveling. so there is a fondness there and a bit of thanksgiving for the blessing of setting me on that path. its like some sort of odd crutch -- that if i let go of it i might fall down on the path or stray and not be able to find my way back. its a ridiculous line of thinking because in reality, this person can't do anything to help me if i did stray -- nor would they probably want to. they have long since moved on to another dimension of their own path.

and i can look at this and say its a crutch and be all logical about letting it go and y i am having trouble letting it go, but that doesn't help in the process of letting it go. ok its like this medication i have for my meniere's disease. i keep it around, because i never know when or if i might need it, even though i really haven't needed it in a while, but i keep it just the same because what if i did need it and then i didn't have it to fall back on. its just silly and it reminds me that i'm not trusting papa to deal with it or to help me when i stumble. it reminds me that i'm looking to man to help me. but i'm not really because the few times i have stumbled lately, it wasn't man i ran to, but to papa.

ok, so now i've admitted that i have this issue with crutches. but its more than that. it like letting go of ur kid -- u know they need to learn to do it on their own, but u kind of want to be there to catch them if they fall. but u know u need to move away from it. and here's the thing -- there were times when i felt like maybe i was a bit of a crutch to this person, and hey, who doesn't like the feeling of being needed sometimes. but now its apparent that they have moved on and so y can't i. but i sort of have -- its just that sometimes i'm drawn back to that place by a song and the memory of when it was given and for what purpose and how it brought me to the next rung on the ladder to papa. yeah... those r good memories -- do i have to let go of those because the bitter ones r there too?? yeah ... not knowing on this one. but hoping that wherever they r and whatever they r doing that they r being blessed big by papa because if it hadn't been for all the times i got picked up and plunked back on the path -- i might never be where i am today... so bless them papa -- bless them big.

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