Saturday, October 18, 2008

saturday

my daughter is with her dad this weekend. i hate it when she's not here, but its soon gonna be a reality that she'll be off to college and i'll have to figure out what i want to do with the rest of my life once i no longer have children to wrap my life around.

at any rate, she's gone off to take the PSAT test. they had to be at the school at 7:45. so we were up early once again. seems like i never really get to sleep in. another fact of being a mom.... especially a single mom.

i probably won't get to hear about how it went for her until after she comes home on sunday night and by then she'll have forgotten a lot of it. i remember when she was born -- so tiny and needy -- and now here she is -- all grown up and lot wiser in many ways than i'll ever be. where does the time go. can it really be almost 17 years since i brought her into this world?? she is my miracle child. she almost died when i was giving birth to her because of a knot in her umbilical cord. but she saved my life when my in-laws were so torturous to me -- i could wrap myself around her care and that of her brother and pretend they weren't really there brow beating me.

she saved my life during the divorce by saying she would live with me. she doesn't know she's done this. she doesn't have a clue how difficult it is to be alone. i'm learning little by little how to do that. how to work towards the plan that papa has for me -- a plan that doesn't include wrapping myself around my kids or a husband anymore.

who would have thought that my daughter going off to her PSATs would have spurred this line of thinking...

2 comments:

Deer Mountain Wood Art said...

Feeling sad for you Bina - makes me feel that I have far more than I deserve
How far away is she going to be? I'm lucky my oldest is going to a college that's only a few hours away - he's home right now and has brought his friends with him, filling the house with ear-splitting GuitarHero
I'll share mine?:)
{{{hugs}}}
Freida

BINA said...

well she's talked about boston and rhode island which r both close enough to go to in a day, but she's also talked about england. and then she's said that she might take a year off before she goes to college and travel around the world. in any case, i know its going to happen and i'm pretty sure that this "thing" that papa god wants me to do isn't going to be happening here -- so i'd be leaving here as well. soon it will be my turn to find out who i am outside of wife and mother... and my house used to be the house that all the kids came to to hang out -- but when i got the divorce some of that ended. thanks for the hugs and hugs to u too!