Sunday, October 19, 2008


so last night i went to see a wonderful lady, who is from Wales, at the church i'm not supposed to be attending right now. i haven't seen this woman in a year and i love her spirit -- we're friends on Myspace. its a sort of wonderful papa connection that doesn't need constant communication to keep it alive -- if that makes sense.

at any rate, i went knowing that papa doesn't want me there (being disobedient) and hoping that he would forgive me just this once. it was lovely to see everybody again -- many of the ppl there r like family. but it was hard, too. because i knew i wasn't supposed to be there and probably wouldn't be back at least not for this season. i found myself defending what was happening in my life and having ppl who wanted me to come to "prayer sessions" to help me battle whatever is going on with me. i wanted to say -- i'm not broken, don't try to fix me. all sorts of judgements and assumptions were being made and many ppl were trying to "read my mail", which is annoying to say the least. i even had a couple ppl accuse me of isolating myself -- just because i'm not coming to this church anymore doesn't mean i've locked myself away in my apt. and am not speaking to anyone -- i have a wonderful support "family" at my morning church and with some of my neighbors and friends i've known from my past business. its ridiculous to think that because i stopped going to that church that means i've isolated myself. i do have other friends outside of that community.

i'm in such a different place than i was a year or even 6 months ago. ppl keep trying to push me back there for some reason. i occasionally have my moments of discouragement and sadness -- i think that's sort of normal -- but papa is so very good and pulls me right back to where i need to be. he's surrounded me with ppl who have supported and encouraged me.

so this afternoon i was trying to watch the worship service at bethel at and at the tail end of bill johnson's talk he ask how many of us have dismissed the anointing of another because of the "packaging" or the "history" of that person. i thought -- wow, i know i've probably done that -- but i really felt like last night -- my anointing was being dismissed yet again and that papa doesn't want me there because it will continue to be dismissed there until they r ready to see past the way i was to the way i am now.

honestly, i have such calm about things now that i never had before -- and even though the whole job issue is frustrating and confusing -- deep down inside i know that papa has a plan and i just need to be open and receptive to where he's going with that plan so that i won't miss when he opens the door for me. he's making it really clear where he doesn't want me when it comes to the jobs i've been offered or the interviews i've gone on by putting that unsettledness in my spirit either during or after. what's not overly apparent is where i am supposed to be so that i can set my feet in that direction. and although that's a little frustrating to this person who likes instant gratification and needs money in her wallet -- its not so overwhelming that i can't deal with it.

what i realized today was that i have been blessed in so many wonderful ways by the presence of so many loving and caring ppl in my life that my cup is overflowing. if u measure a person's success in the amount of money they have in the bank, then i'm a failure. but if u measure a person's success by the kinds of relationships they have with the ppl around them, then i'm a success.

someone today was talking about a church where certain ppl couldn't be considered elders -- where they had to have such and such an attendance rate, tithing all the time, not be this or that kind of person (divorced, unwed mother, etc.). it all just seemed ridiculously sad and at that i thought, thank u papa for loving me and allowing me to be a part of ur family regardless of my background. thank u for looking past all the ick of my life and showing me where my heart lies. it is by his grace that i have the blessings i have -- and i need to never forget that and thank him daily for that.

my "punishment" for my disobedience last night, if u want to label it that -- as my friend margaret pointed out to me today -- was having those ppl judge me, assume things about me that were untrue and having to deal with the looks and remarks that could be potentially hurtful. happily, papa kept me calm throughout it all, wrapped his shield of protection around me, did not abandon me, and showed me the way out the door at the end of the evening. a blessing indeed...

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