Friday, March 6, 2009

Feed Someone Today

i can't take credit for this -- someone sent it to me in one of those chain emails -- but it really hits close to home to how my heart has been feeling lately ....


A  holy man was having a  conversation with God one day and said,  ' God, I would like to know what Heaven and Hell are like.'

God led the holy man to two doors.
He opened one of the doors and the  holy man looked in.

In the middle of the room  was a large round table.   In the middle of the  table was a large pot of stew, which smelled delicious  and made the holy man's mouth water.

The people  sitting around the table were thin and sickly.  They appeared to be famished.

 They were  holding spoons with very long handles, that were  strapped to their arms and each found it possible to  reach into the pot of stew and take a spoonful.  

But because the handle was longer than their  arms, they could not get the spoons back into their mouths.
 The holy man shuddered at the sight of  their misery and suffering.
 God said, 'You  have seen Hell.' 
They went to the next room and opened the door.  It was exactly the same as the first one.

There was the large round table with  the large pot of stew which made the holy man's mouth  water.  
The people were equipped with the  same long-handled spoons, but here the people were well nourished and plump, laughing and  talking.  The holy man said, 'I don't understand.'  
'It is simple,' said  God .  'It  requires but one skill.  
You see they have  learned to feed each other, while the greedy think only of themselves.'

Thursday, March 5, 2009

feeling sorry for myself

so i'm sitting here feeling sorry for myself. and u may ask y...

back in august i fell at Soulfest -- which is this like amazing three day Christian band event. it was only our second time going and this time we (my daughter and a friend of her's) decided to stay in a hotel and NOT sleep in the car (a rather wise move). but it turned out really crappy because it rained a lot and i didn't get to see the bands i wanted to see, and i was having issues with my daughter -- and then i fell.

it was my own stupidity. we got off the ski lift and instead of going around the roped area, i crawled through them like my daughter's friend did and my foot got caught in the rope and i fell -- onto the graveled parking lot. I ended up with gravel in my hand (and still bear the scars from that) and evidently i tore my rotator cuff.

well, a lot of things were happening. we were going to my dad's, school was starting for my daughter, then it was thanksgiving and then christmas and by this time my arm is killing me all the time and keeping me awake at night and everybody is yelling at me to go to the doctor's and get it checked out and i know i can't afford to go until AFTER i've had my physical at the beginning of this year -- so that the insurance will pay for anything i might need done, and if i needed surgery how was that gonna mess things up at home blah blah blah.... and i was reading all i could about what it might be and was pretty much convinced it was a torn rotator cuff because of how the pain presented itself when i rolled over onto it. and i was still trying to live (drive a car, shovel snow, do the housework, cook meals, wash dishes), even though it was difficult to get dressed or even wash my hair sometimes for the pain.

its not that i like pain -- i hate pain -- but the reality is that there isn't much they can give me to get rid of the pain either -- because when i had my first child by C-section they sent me home with no meds after three days because i couldn't tolerate what they had given me in the hospital. and i can be quite "stoic" sometimes when it comes to this sort of stuff and keep my mouth shut. its like, if i'm complaining about it, u know its hurting badly.

so last week i had my physical and after a lot of other nonsense (my blood pressure was up and mind they r taking it in the arm that is paining me but w/e), i was given a slip to get xrays and blood work and a referral to physical therapy. in the meantime, i can no longer take ibuprofen because it interacts with the new bp meds they gave me -- so i have one pain reliever alternative and that's tylenol -- which, if any of u have ever had this sort of injury, u know that tylenol doesn't touch it.

today was my first PT appt. -- really an evaluation of sorts -- and it appears that my shoulder is partially frozen and will require at least four weeks of twice a week PT, along with exercises to try and get it unfrozen and give me back some of my mobility and range of motion. and then they gave me an ultrasound treatment and i came home in pain and took tylenol and yeah -- u can guess the rest.

so i'm sitting here thinking how can i look for a job or even take a job when i can't move my arm and i'm in pain and yeah -- time for the pity party.

if anyone out there feels like praying for me -- i'd really appreciate it.

Tuesday, March 3, 2009

misery loves company??

i'm currently in a blue funk. a lot of things have contributed to this funk, but the one that sticks prominently in my mind is what's happening at my church. i laughingly use the word "my" because deep down, i know this church is not where god wants me to stay.

i love papa god, and most of the time i do trust him -- but idk what to think right now. it isn't just what i'm sensing while i'm there -- its what i'm hearing from others and the way they have been treated. how can christians say they are christians when they treat each other so badly. we're supposed to love one another, not bash each other about and judge each other till the cows come home.

the worst part is that attacks on me have begun and being the "i'd like everybody to like me" type, its hard for me to be so misjudged. i was even told by the self-appointed facebook "police" from our church that i'm on facebook too much and that all my stuff is "out there for everybody to see". um yeah, no, because i restrict what can and can't be seen by the general public, but w/e. i didn't realize until just a couple of days ago that this person saying that to me has made me not want to write anything or blog about anything. and that's probably one reason i'm feeling so blue.

i used to write a lot. then i got married and was miserable -- most of my writings went into my journals because it was so private -- and the internet wasn't the prevalent place it is now -- there was no such thing as a blog. i did have a column in a small local paper for a couple of years. then somewhere along the line, i stopped writing altogether -- it was just to painful to put it on paper anywhere. i didn't start writing again until i got my divorce and then i was unstoppable. but i've allowed the words -- the wounding words -- of this ONE person in my church stop me from doing something i love doing -- all because i want to be accepted by man....

just when i think i have gotten past this need for verification of my life from man -- something comes in and smacks me (that's the enemy, btw, dragging my old man out of the closet and throwing it at me). it makes me realize that there is a part of me that still perhaps wants that -- that there is still a gaping hole in my heart that wants filling and somehow i feel that man can do that. but the reality is that man is imperfect and can't fill the hole and won't fill the hole because in their own woundedness, all they want to do is wound others, not help them. they want others to feel as wretched as they do so that they won't have to be the only wretched person on the planet. as someone reminded me yesterday -- hurt ppl, hurt ppl.

and this is something that i have begun to see as a trend in churches. all these christians feel like they need to be wretched and downcast because y idk?? i admit that there were times in my life when i was miserable too -- but mostly it was because of circumstances and feeling like god didn't give a hoot about me or my circumstances. i've come to realize that that is NOT the case -- he cares a lot -- its just that sometimes the choices we make, give little room for making things work out right. but somehow god takes even the most awful of circumstances and uses them for good.

at any rate, i can't let this funk continue because it will only drag me down and out -- i don't want to be a miserable christian. i've said this before. i want to be the salt and the light -- to shine god's love so brightly that others will say, "i want that". i firmly believe that we don't have to be downcast and wretched as christians. that was never what papa god intended for us. and by being that way, it makes other ppl say -- y would i want to be a christian if i'm going to be miserable all the time.

i also realize that my old man was killed off when i accepted christ and i need to stop letting the enemy drag him out of the closet and jiggle him around in front of me. that is not who i am any more -- i'm a new creation in christ. and it will take heavy armor from god to keep the enemy at bay with this because he knows its pushing buttons.

i started feeling more and more like i really don't care what other ppl think. i never thought i would get to that point. but this last bout has made me realize even more that the one that i care the most about what they think is papa god. he's all that matters. i must be doing something right for the enemy to be coming against me so strongly. but i know with papa god by my side, i can do anything. the joy i feel when i think of him with me always is overflowing and if it bothers other christians because i walk around with a smile on my face, that is their issue and not mine. i don't need to be miserable and wretched -- papa wants me happy. that's not to say there won't be times when circumstances weigh me down -- but it doesn't mean i have to stay in the hole and wallow around there. papa can bring me back out into the sunshine. i need to keep my eyes ever on him.