Saturday, October 4, 2008

back in time

so, it used to be that i went to this church that had their services on sunday evenings. we would have a potluck supper before hand and then worship and then have either what they called "cafe night" -- which was sort of a free for all -- or a guest speaker. i just recently stopped going to this church. but i used to make food for the potluck. it used to be beef stew or lasagna and then it was applesauce and then back to beef stew. sometimes i didn't cook it all. but ppl started to depend on me bringing either the stew or the applesauce and would whine if i didn't.

truth was, it was expensive and my job was only paying me $100 a week, and it was a lot of work. but when i started doing the stew and the applesauce, it was about two years ago. my daughter and her then boyfriend would help me to cut up the veggies or peel and chop apples on the weekends that she was with me. it was a lot of fun because we would joke around and laugh and talk and it made it go really fast. we just had a lot of fun. on the weekends she wasn't with me, it wasn't as much fun -- i would do it by myself the night before, but there was no one to joke around or laugh with.

they broke up -- long story -- and he went off to college in a state 3,000 miles away and still my daughter and i would try to make the food together on the weekends i had her -- but it wasn't the same. it was -- i think -- a reminder to her of the good times they had had together and now that he wasn't around it was hard for her to enjoy doing it. i admit -- it wasn't as much fun because he wasn't there. he was in some ways -- a real part of the family then, and now that he wasn't there, it was like a missing piece of the puzzle.

after it was apparent that cooking was a difficult thing to accomplish, i started buying a carrot cake at the local grocery store and taking that. it wasn't appreciated as much, and i understand y -- but i knew to keep the peace in my home, i needed to stop cooking for the potlucks.

there r a lot of things i miss and sometimes i get really nostalgic for them. time spent cooking for potlucks is one of them. it wasn't the cutting up and peeling and putting things together that i loved -- i actually despise that part -- but it was the time spent laughing and talking and communing with others. i know that's hard for some ppl to understand, but until u've done it -- don't knock it.

it reminds me a lot of growing up and my mom's kitchen. sometimes i would help her -- but most of the time she wanted to do it herself -- but not alone. she would have us sit at the kitchen counter and talk to her while she cooked. it was a great bonding time.

i wish i could get past the point of wanting things to be the way they were. i mean it wasn't a great time in a lot of ways, but on the other hand i can look back on it now and see all the wonderful things that did happen during that time. and maybe that's y it would be nice to be there again. there is also a part of me that would like what i used to call a do-over -- so that i could go back and do over some of the things i handled so badly then -- an opportunity to fix it and make it right. i know that's not possible, but it doesn't stop me from wanting it....


Lily said...

Oh my goodness- this is the way I've been feeling all week, so nostalgic for things of the past- like a homesickness for a time and place that I can't return to. We left a place just over two years ago, and somehow the place hasn't left me. I miss the people there, two of them in particular with whom we have kept in touch.. but it's not the same. I keep praying for God to send friends into my life like those friends-- but I haven't met them yet-- people with whom I can laugh and just be myself without worrying that they'll think I'm weird. I haven't met people here with whom I have a really strong connection, and sometimes I just feel so sad about that.

I know that God has plans for both you and me, and that this is just a season, but I know what you mean about feeling nostalgic.

Sabina said...

thanks lily -- i know that a lot of ppl i've spoken with r feeling much the same say i am -- and feeling an over all dissatisfaction -- that's the wrong word -- but u know what i mean -- with the way things r in their churches right now too. there is a stirring up that is happening -- and i just need to focus on the positive and not the negative (not an easy task for me when all my life the negative is what i've known).
i wish that whatever god has planned for me (and lots of ppl have said that he has something planned for me but they can't reveal it in this season), that it would happen soon or that i would get some inkling of it before i go crazy!! lol