busy work

i just joined an etsy team called EstyHookers and of course, whenever u join a team u have lots of busy work to do. like set up ur page on their blog site and upload photos there and to flickr and add tags to already existing photos there and at ur etsy shop. so i've spent the last day and a half working on that.

i've also finished another afghan and hat set and started on a fourth one in this run of what seems to be crocheting for baby. maybe there is some secret desire there to have another -- although i know there is -- this will never happen as #1 i'm too old (no more details need be added here) and #2 there is no man in the house (also eliminating details). but crocheting baby items really does make me want to hold a baby right now.



i also have several items that i need to redo the photos on for my etsy site. always trying to improve them and make look better so that customers will want to buy them.

i also had a sale -- and packaged that up and sent it off this morning. discovering that the rates have gone up on plain old ordinary priority mail (much to my dismay). so i guess i need to exchange all those priority mail boxes i just had delivered here for flat rates -- at least for the smaller ones.

i did finish an exceptionally nice piece of jewelry that was special ordered. i do still like doing jewelry -- just seems like that takes a back burner in the winter when i can easily work on crocheted items. but i'm thrilled with the finished product and need to show it off....



its all about butterflies -- which means renewal -- and the beaded sections r done in threes to represent the trinity. i really love the way it turned out and made matching earrings to go with the necklace. i was inspired!!

well its back to the busy work. still lots to do. its after 12 noon and i still haven't had a shower. and there will be lots of running around after i pick up my daughter at school. should be a good productive day!!

good ol' days r gone ....

so remember i said a couple of days ago that my facebook fan page had disappeared along with all my facebook notes? well they never reappeared and so i had to reconstruct the fan page. which is fine.... but in the process i decided to reactivate my twitter account and then link the two and basically, i have decided that technology is just way too frustrating.

many years ago when i had a sewing business i was a beta tester for my local internet provider for websites. they wanted ordinary joes (or janes) like me to build their own websites. so i did. and it was quite nice and successful but it never had a shopping cart or a place to enter credit card info. however, it didn't need it because ppl could just email me from the clickable email link and lmk what they wanted and then send me their info. i'm sure it was frustrating to them -- maybe not so much -- idk. i could never do another website from scratch like that. i had an HTML Bible that i used to help me write the correct code for doing things like links, etc. and i've retained a bit of that and still own the book, so occasionally i can go back to research something i need to do on the blog. i really haven't used it much because the technology of places like facebook, twitter, and blogspot really doesn't require a whole lot of it.

but sometimes i want to do something and can't and its frustrating and makes me wish i'd taken a class at school or something. only they never offered this kind of stuff when i was in school because i went to school in the middle ages -- ha ha...

no really, i mean when i learned to touch type (now some of u r sitting there scratching ur heads wondering what touch typing is -- it is exactly as it sounds) we had typewriters (anyone remember those) and they weren't even electric (probably explains y i have carpel tunnel issues). one of the first jobs i had working as a secretary involved typing up psychological reports on an IBM magcard typewriter. "cutting and pasting" meant "programming" a stop in one card, so that it would eject the card at the right place so that u could insert the next card to put the "pasted" item on, then programming that card to eject so that u could put the first card back in and continue the printing out process. and heaven forbid if u mixed up the cards. it was not fun. prior to this technology, though, cutting and pasting truly meant -- cutting it out of one place and taping it into another and hoping when u went to the copy machine that the place where u taped it didn't leave a line on the copy. or it meant retyping the entire paper from beginning to end just to make sure things were in the right places. making "corrections" required u to either retype it, white it out with white-out (omygosh what was in that stuff) and basically, it was a pain.

the first "computer" i ever worked on was back in 1980 and it was an IBM displaywriter (would NOT be considered a computer by today's standards). the first computer i ever owned was a very very early Mac (see above photo of something similar to what i owned) that didn't even have a hard drive (don't ask). they make fish tanks out of them now and i believe there is one in the Smithsonian... when i moved to NH (eons ago) i worked at darmouth college and they were in the "computer age" but not what u would consider the computer age now, and u had to know certain code in order to get things to print out, move stuff around, etc., and we worked on machines called Diablos (u do know that's the word for devil in spanish don't u???). i'm sure they were aptly named because honestly, there were times when i truly felt like the devil was running the entire operation and i had no control over what was printed out. they did eventually move into the era of Macs and wasn't i a happy camper.

now we have computers that can print out DVDs and play music and make movies and mess around with photos and isn't it all so wonderful how easy we've made it? ha ha ....

i am pretty sure that in the grand scheme of things some things r easier to do than others, but some things r just more frustration than is necessary. gone r the days of taking a photo on a SLR film (what's that -- u can't even buy that stuff locally anymore) camera and taking it to the local photo shop (huh??) and having them process and print ur photos. coming home with a packet full of pictures and a sleeve full of negatives (what???) and if u needed more prints in different sizes u had to take the negatives back to the shop and wait for them to be printed (usually a couple of days to a week). now u take a photo with a digital camera, plug it into ur computer and bam u have instant pictures that u can print in all sorts of sizes and u get to print only the ones u like!! who'd have thunk it! but on one level its more frustrating because then u have to make sure u have a printer that has archival quality inks and papers and yeah let's not even go down this road.

sometimes i think we've just made more stress for ourselves by the continual upgrading of our technology. things that we thought would make our lives easier have just increased the need to "know more" about the technology behind it. and who has time for that -- idk. maybe i'm just waxing nostalgic for a simpler time ....

a state of mind, not a state of circumstances

u know the poem "If" by rudyard kipling. u know how at the beginning it says: "If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs and blaming it on you" -- well in the last several months i've been impressed that i need to keep my head -- or at least my thoughts -- in check even in the worst of circumstances. that my reality is NOT papa god's reality and that what i see about me isn't necessarily what or how it really is.

now this is easier said that done when most of ur life u've seen the glass as empty and never even half full. its a true test of will to "keep ur head" when the circumstances dictate something much more dire. its a real-learning of sorts. retraining ur brain to look at the crap and see that its not really crap. kinda like the king asking everybody to see him in his new clothes when he's really naked -- sometimes the naked just can't be imagined away.

i'm not asking u to imagine something away either or pretend it doesn't exist. what i am asking u to do is to try to see it in papa's reality. here's an example: i live in subsidized housing and sometimes its really not very pleasant here. the walls r thin and i can hear ppl screaming at their children on either side of me (which hurts my heart), and in the spring and summer there is a lot of conflict here between residents when their children get into scuffles. let's just say that some of the parents don't have very good communication skills beyond screaming. there has also been a lot of drug dealing and police calls, and well, u get the basic picture. now on the outer layer it looks like a really crappy place to live and i could sit around and wallow in self-pity over the fact that i have to live in a place like this. but what papa god has shown me is that compared to others, i have been quite blessed. i have a roof over my head, a warm bed to lie in at night, food on the table and a reason and ppl to pray about. and something that in the past would have put me down and kept me down for months (maybe even years) no longer does.

sure, sometimes i get frustrated and angry and yes, even sad, but the sadness never lasts long (like it used to) and i'm immediately reminded that what i see before me is not papa god's reality. that he is so much bigger than any issue that is laying in my lap and that i just need to let it go, put a smile on my face and move forward.

recently, i've had the pleasure of talking to two ppl i love dearly about their depression. one has made some unwise choices and is now suffering the consequences. they r miserable and i can see y. but i also see a way for them to get out of the mess they r in -- something they were having a hard time doing. it seems like when u get into the muck, there is very little room for actually seeing the path of escaping it. and i understand this really really well because of a lot of "messes" i have gotten myself into the past 53+ years.

the other person is just generally depressed because of things not going the way they had planned. other ppl's attitudes towards them is causing them grief and they rn't overly happy in their job, and they don't like where they r living, and u get the picture. i understand this area as well -- having been in all these circumstances. and having been like both of these ppl, i was depressed and miserable for ages. when ppl would ask me how i was i would tell them (even though they really didn't want to know) and could see the instant look of "oh my gosh i shouldn't have asked" come across their faces. some ppl -- those who have compassion -- would become miserable just from listing to my story. it bothered me that i was making someone else miserable just by telling them about my miserableness.

so a year ago, i made this conscious decision to just not tell ppl unless they really pressured me -- or i really trusted that they wouldn't become emotionally tied to my miserableness. because i couldn't handle seeing someone else upset. y should i make other ppl miserable just because i was. the other thing i vowed to do was to wear a smile on my face -- even though the world around me was crumbling, i knew that i was deeply loved and cared for by papa god and that was worth smiling about. the reality is that i was not alone in any of the muck, even the muck of my own making, and that the one being who was there for me and holding me and supporting me and providing for my needs was papa god -- and that warranted a smile. a big smile.

what started to come back to me was smiles -- and i found that those smiles bolstered mine even more. if someone wanted to really know about my circumstances, i would tell them, but i would always end it with the statement that i was well loved and blessed by papa god and that what i saw around me was not what papa saw and therefore i was making the conscious decision to see it through papa's eyes.

yes, sometimes i don't do that. sometimes i get down -- but what i have discovered is that the duration of the depression has been more than halved just because i've chosen to see the glass as overflowing from papa god and not as empty. i've made a change in my "state of mind" which then changes my perspective and reaction to my set of circumstances. its empowering and uplifting. and i know i couldn't do any of this without papa god's help and guidance. he's set me on this course and is there all along the way to help me when i stray off the path. he always reminds me -- even in the smallest of ways -- that he cares for me and is there blessing me. and that makes all the difference ....

lessons learned from one small autistic boy ...

well, the holidays r almost over, and we're heading back to the routine. monday morning will bring rushing around to get ready and driving daughter to school and then i'm off to help a family with two small boys who have autism. i go over there a couple/three mornings a week to help the boys get dressed and fed and off to school. i've been doing it for a couple of months now. and over the holidays they didn't didn't need me because they had other help and the boys didn't go to school (obviously). i didn't realize just how much i was missing them until a few days ago. yesterday i went over to help them from 9-1 and it was the first time i'd had the pleasure of being with both boys for more than just an hour.

another friend and i took them to the local school yard where they could sled and play in the snow. the younger boy is milder in his autism, but the oldest boy (the one i'm really taking care of) has an extreme form -- so rare that only about 100 cases in the world have been diagnosed. he's a really sweet boy -- although he does have his moments. he doesn't speak, but he does have ways of communicating (some sign language and a book of pictures of things he likes). but even though he can't speak, he can show joy and sadness and pain and love. the last one is the one that always gets my heart. he will come and look at me and then hug me -- or he'll come up behind me when i'm not looking and give me a big hug. he's just so affectionate.

one day, after i first started helping them, when i was waiting for his paraeducator to come to the house to get him for school, he was sitting in the chair looking out the window and i was singing to him. he loves to listen to ppl sing and i like to sing worship music to him. at any rate, just at that moment i saw this glimpse of how god saw him -- as a little boy with so much potential and any thoughts i had of self-doubt about being able to work with him, went away. my heart broke, just like i knew papa god's had, over the fact that that potential might now be lost due to his disability and i started praying for him, his brother, and his family.

again, i am reminded that sometimes we need to look at others and see what god sees. sometimes that is difficult to do if we have been hurt or betrayed by that person.

recently i had a conversation with someone who had moved out of the area a while ago and came back for a visit. i saw them at church on two separate occasions and then later in the week talked to them in chat. i have to preface that the relationship i had had with this person before they moved away was sometimes difficult and hurtful, but, it was a relationship that had a good deal to do with where i am now in my walk with papa god, so there is still a good deal of love and appreciation in my heart for them.

during the conversation they were talking about how they saw me wearing my gray sweater on the two occasions we had seen each other recently. i said, "i'm sorry, i wasn't wearing my gray sweater -- i don't wear that sweater any more since it has a hole in the elbow of one sleeve." he was insistent that i had been wearing that same sweater and i was just as insistent that i had not and explained the two different outfits i had worn both times.

what struck me, and as i explained to him, was that sometimes we can't see past the "person who was" to the "person who is now". that the sweater was just a symbol of something deeper. like my father and brother can't see past the 5 year old little girl to the almost 54 year old woman i am now. there's an image there that we either can't or r unwilling to let go of to see the person who is now.

the great thing about papa god is that he sees us as to the ppl we will become -- the potential. he also sees us where we r all along the way, but it doesn't hinder him in any way to seeing the person we r to become. if we get words about us from papa god, we need to keep them present in our lives because it helps us to see ourselves as papa sees us. but i believe its even more important to listen to the words from papa god given to others so that we can see them as papa sees them. this gives us guidance then for encouraging them and supporting them so they can come into their full potential in papa god. even more than that -- it allows us to put aside any judgements we might have about someone based on their treatment of us and allow us to continue to love them and appreciate who they will become.

i have to admit that i haven't always been the best at this -- as a matter of fact when it comes to certain ppl (the ex for example), i have failed terribly. i continue to try to see him how papa sees him, but as of this writing i have been unsuccessful and therefore, allow all the hurt feelings and bitterness come into my heart when i have to deal with him. i'm a work in progress, i'm not perfect, and i know that at some point in my life, i will get past this and be able to see him as papa sees him. so i'm not professing perfection here, just suggesting a different way of looking at someone. and to think, it all began in earnest because of working with one small loving boy....

Harry Potter and the Ex

a couple of months ago my almost 18yo daughter (my youngest child) came to me and asked me if i would take her to the harry potter exhibit in boston for her 18th birthday -- coming up in january. at the time i said that if i had the money we would go. now in the back of my head i was doing this silent calculation of how much the bus down and back would be ($140) and the cost of the tickets (unsure) and what a taxi from the bus station to the exhibit and back would cost (also unsure) and knew that somehow this might not come to pass. but i also knew that i had a few months to try and make this happen.

one day before xmas my child asked me again and i basically told her that it wasn't going to be possible because #1 i didn't have enough funds to get us through xmas without help and #2 since my birthday is also in january my car needs to be registered (its all done by b'days here in NH) and inspected -- at least an extra $200 i didn't have. so i didn't see how it was going to be possible for me to take her to the harry potter exhibit. i suggested she ask her father, since she's with him on her birthday anyhow.

so, i guess she took me up on that suggestion. and mind, its my own fault for saying it. but at the time i was feeling a lot like the reason i was in the financial pickle i was in was because of his uncaring attitude (since he stopped paying me alimony after only three years). he seems to have an unending supply of money and not just from his job -- but for a long time his parents and brother were sending him money left and right. even though he really didn't need it. but whatever ....

at any rate, as the date for them to go to boston looms closer and closer, i find myself getting sadder and sadder that i can't take her and that he can. i find myself being resentful for his financial ability to give her whatever she wants whenever she wants and my inability to even provide the most basic of needs. and i know that i need to give it over to god because it just eats away at me and makes me dislike my ex even more than i had when i found out he was cheating on me.

all the statistics i've read have said that when there is a divorce 90% of the women and children live in poverty. when i look around at the women and children living in the housing area i live in, i see that statistic looming large. its not just that we can't buy our children presents or give them elaborate trips or parties. its that most of the time we can't even meet the most basic of their needs. in most instances we end up going to food banks to put food on the table or go begging the office for an extension on the rent.

if i could have found a job when i first closed my store, i might not be in such bad shape. i had been an administrative secretary when i left to be a stay at home mom almost 22 years ago (a joint decision my husband and i had made at the time). i left my career to be a full-time mom and did in-home daycare and had a 10 year sewing business which helped to pay our bills. my ex never saw that as "income" unfortunately. but that's another story. having the store gave me back a sense of self and confidence i had long since lost. i knew i was a great mom, but could i be a great anything else ever again?? of that i was not so sure.

through a set of unfortunate circumstances i found myself unemployable. after tearing the rotator cuff in my shoulder i was unable to get a job lifting things. after being out of the secretarial workforce for 22 years i find myself unemployable as that. add to this the fact that the job market sucks right now for anyone and u can see how this is going downhill in terms of me finding a job.

last night i realized that the one thing that i'm really good at is caring about children -- caring for children. its something i can do well -- and have done. i have been looking for the past couple of months for jobs where i could be a mommy's assistant or do daycare in someone's home. it hasn't been easy. everybody seems to want u to have some degree in child development. i don't have a degree on paper, but i certainly earned my credits by raising two children and caring for others over the years. how do u document that??

at any rate, this whole harry potter and the ex thing has brought me to a place of suddenly feeling like i have somehow failed my child by not giving her what it was she really wanted for her birthday. and for not being able to spend it with her this year. it amazes me how one small thing regarding my child can make me feel somehow inferior. but then i realize that for a long time i felt like being a good mom was the only thing i did well. and its easy to fall back into that pattern of self-doubt that i carried for so long. so this is another time when i need to turn to papa god and see myself as he sees me -- and not as i have perceived myself for so long. to him i am something so much more than just a mom -- and this whole harry potter and the ex thing -- in god's terms -- is but a blip on the radar to self discovery ....

Raising the Faith

i have a facebook account. i've had it for eons. not as long as i have had a myspace (which, btw, i never look at anymore). i've written a zillion notes at my facebook. and i even set up a fan page for Angelic Adornments there. so imagine my surprise this afternoon when i went to upload some new photos to my fan page and discovered it no longer existed. and not only did it no longer exist, but all my notes were missing as well -- and who knows what else at this point. idk what the problem is and i can't get the higher ups at facebook to acknowledge my existence or the fact that some of my important items r missing. after much mucking through the different places to go to get "help" i finally sent them a message only to get a canned response about how they don't respond to individual messages but that they would be "looking into" my issues. how sweet.

normally i wouldn't get upset about this stuff. like the missing notes -- i've got all the important ones in files on my computer so its not like they couldn't be duplicated. but the fan page -- that's the pits. i have a link from my Etsy website to my fan page. there's a link at this blog page to my fan page. i would have to go back through zillions of photos to find all the ones that were posted on my fan page in order to recreate it. and then there is the question of the fans. i would lose them. mind there weren't a lot -- but still.....

as there isn't a whole lot more i can do about this, i have to "let it go" and let the higher ups deal with whatever the problem is. it reminds me about how there r a lot of things that i can do very little about and need to let papa god deal with them.

a couple of nights ago i was watching a live stream of a local church that we sometimes attend. during the service, someone called to say that a pastor from the west coast had collapsed during his service and was rushed to hospital. so we prayed. then later it was discovered that he had passed away and that ppl were going there to pray over him to raise him from the dead. having read some of the works of Smith Wigglesworth, i firmly believe that this is possible.

now before u go all postal on me -- this does happen in this day and age. it has been documented -- so its not something that can't happen. so we all prayed. and we kept in touch on facebook about what was happening. like how they had moved him to another room and that the glory was coming down and we should keep praying. and we were praying. but he did not arise and walk.

now some ppl would look at this and say well, god doesn't exist because if he did this man would certainly have been raised. but as someone reminded me -- did anyone ask papa god what he wanted to do with this man?? i'm not sure that anyone did. most of the ppl (and i have to admit that i was a bit of a lemming and just followed the higher ups here) saw that a man of god had been felled in the middle of a sermon before his time and knew that it was an opportunity for god to show his glory and bring the man back to life. which it was. but it begs the question: does our faith and trust in papa god stay strong even when prayers rn't answered the way we want them to be but the way that papa god sees as best??

i've had plenty of opportunities in the last 5 years to lose faith and trust in papa because prayers i made went seemingly unanswered. but i've also had many prayers answered and i've had many times when papa showed me his love when i wasn't expecting it. what i saw on sunday night/monday morning was a gathering of ppl of faith from all around the world, to pray fervently for a man to be raised from the dead and if nothing else, i saw their faith and trust in papa god and that made mine stronger. strange as that might sound. what i've come to realize is that my reality here on earth -- ie, what i see/hear, etc. -- is not always god's reality. so i have to trust that papa knows better than i in all circumstances and let go -- as hard as that sometimes is. papa god is in control and that gives me a real level of freedom -- freedom from worry, stress, the need to "fix it", etc. its another wonderful gift from papa god.

overly blessed

some might say that i am poor and not blessed at all. but i know different. we may not have much money and bills might get put off from time to time, but we r most certainly overly blessed. the last two days were testimony to that.

on thurs. my neighbor told me about the turkey dinner fixings that her church was handing out at their food pantry. i really didn't have room for a turkey in my freezer, and my kids weren't going to be with me this year for christmas, so i thought i would wait until after christmas to pick one up at the grocery store for the christmas celebration i would then have with my kids. but when i got home from lunch with a friend, my neighbor had left me an almost 13 lb. turkey and a grocery bag full of food -- not just for the turkey dinner, but for other dinners as well. it was an amazing blessing. i didn't have room in my freezer for it, so i'm currently thawing it in my sink to make later today when my son comes over to eat. we will have plenty for our meal and much left over to freeze and make for other meals.

that same day a friend called me and invited me to lunch. i don't get to go out to eat much. occasionally sammy and i will venture down the "strip" and get something at McD's, Wendy's, BK, or Taco Bell off their dollar menus. once in a while we'll splurge at Panera and can usually walk away with a good meal for a little over $10. but that doesn't happen often -- so to go to a real sit down restaurant with a menu that the waitress hands u is a really special treat. this particular friend has taken me out before and its so sweet of her to do that. we have some commonalities in our lives and enjoy each other's company.

afterwards she came to my apt. and looked through my wares. she was looking for presents for her female relatives and picked several jewelry pieces. she blessed me by not only feeding me spiritually and nutritionally, but by purchasing some items which then put money in my pocket to pay some bills and buy a gift card for my son for christmas from the local guitar shop. to top it all off, she gave us a bag of lindor truffles (if u haven't had these -- they r an extravagant chocolate -- even white chocolates which i can have). it was a truly blessed day.

yesterday another friend stopped by to pick up some speakers i had that she wanted to use to plug in her ipod. but she didn't come empty handed. she walked through the door with a huge basket of fruit in her arms and in a shopping bag attached to one arm was a spiral cut ham as big as the turkey i'd gotten the day before -- along with homemade mustard sauce. talk about being blown away -- i was...

the thing is that i don't accept gifts given very well. i'm always embarrassed and humbled by the experience. and here i was being totally humbled three times in two days. we now have too much food and i'm not sure how to handle it all. don't get me wrong, i'm so very very grateful for all of it, and i realize that christmas is the time for giving. but i am one of those ppl who feels this need to reciprocate in kind -- and i can't and it kind of hurts me that i can't. but i'm grateful for the blessings and i think that papa god is trying to teach me to be more accepting without feeling the need to reciprocate immediately. as my friend yesterday said -- u gave to me throughout the year when u just listened or talked to me about spiritual things and look today u let me borrow ur speakers which gets me out of a pickle -- that is ur gift to me. i have never thought of that as a gift -- doing little things or just spending time talking with someone as a gift-- i have always thought of it as just being me. and if something i do doesn't seem "above and beyond" the norm, then it doesn't seem like a gift. but maybe it is to others. and maybe i need to stop beating myself up for not being able to give "gifts" that come wrapped in pretty paper.

at any rate, today will be a day of cooking and feasting. i will be making both the turkey and the ham and we will have a bit of both on our plates along with all the fixings and i will freeze all the leftovers since my daughter will be going to her dad's on monday and not coming back till the middle of the following week. and every time i pull out turkey or ham to make another meal i will thank papa god for the wonderful friends who blessed me in a most thoughtful way.