here we go ...

the holidays r always pretty much of a blur for me. usually we stay put for thanksgiving and go away for christmas. this year we're staying put for both and i'll be alone for christmas. my daughter is going to be with her dad this year. she likes going to my dad's for christmas because his church always does a very sweet candle-light service late in the evening. we would go and afterwards come back to the house (where it would now be past midnight and technically christmas day) and open presents. its been a tradition for several years now. this being her last year of high school, its kind of sad that we don't get to do this, but its the price we pay for being divorced and having to "share".

last year we went to my dad's but my son wasn't able to go. its been a couple of years since i was able to spend christmas with him since he lives with his dad. so much for "sharing".

this year i'm probably going to be helping out a friend, which on one hand is a good thing (i won't be alone) but on the other is a bummer since i won't have a christmas dinner or a church service or family to come home to. some years r just like that.

i am going to get to spend turkey day (well at least the latter part of it) with my kids, so i'll make a turkey and all the fixing and we'll get to visit for a while. money is tight and i'm praying that somehow i can come up with the cash to purchase what i need. truly for just the three of us we wouldn't need a turkey -- but i like having the leftovers to freeze and make soups, etc. with after -- its cheap meat.

i've been doing a lot of crocheting lately -- learning new techniques -- but mostly making scarves and hats and hooded scarves for an upcoming crafts fair. i'm praying that i'll sell a good deal of what i have and perhaps that will take care of turkey day's fixings and maybe even christmas presents as well. last year i made almost all of the gifts i gave away -- idk what i'd make this year. sometimes ideas rn't free flowing when it comes to gift giving.

i told my daughter last night that i probably won't put up a tree this year since no one will be here. its a 4' pitiful looking (truly it drops more "needles" than a real one now) thing that my ex and i got the first year we were married (27 years ago). he got to keep the 7' one that looks more real. i walked away with almost all of the ornaments since its been a tradition in my family to give ornaments every year and most of them were either mine or given to us both by my parents. i kept this tradition going with both my kids and they each have a big box of ornaments now -- so if they go out on their own, they will have something to decorate their trees that have meaning to them. some of them were hand made by me.

i have these little victorian village pieces that hallmark makes for ornaments. my mother started giving them to me back in the 80's. i think i'm only missing one or two from the time period right after she passed away and before i started buying them for myself. we always set them up -- even if we never do a tree. i used to put them on the tree -- but after a while of collecting them there wasn't room for them and the other ornaments on that 4' tree. so now i set them up on a shelf on the bookcase and lay it all out like a little village. i think the tallest one is like 4.5 inches -- so they really don't take up a lot of space height-wise, but the last two or three years i really had to get creative with how i laid them out because they take up the entire shelf. i haven't gotten this year's yet -- its a police station. i look forward to at least setting them up again this year.

the holidays were always a big deal for my mom. she was an amazing cook -- which in itself was amazing because her mother was a really lousy cook -- and my mom would make these elaborate meals that would gather her chicks and their families around her. after she passed away -- holidays were never the same. i certainly couldn't make the elaborate meals she did (i inherited half of the lousy cook gene). but i've learned how to make some of the things over the years that she used to make -- so they r somewhat reminiscent of hers. but still, not having her around somehow just made things seem more somber and less celebratory.

i think once my baby goes off to college next year, things will be even more somber. i loved the days when the kids were small and christmas was really fun. seems like that won't happen again until maybe there r grandchildren in the picture. until then i'll just have to be content finding something else to do on those christmases when no one is around to share it.

to vaccinate or not to vaccinate?? that is the question

my daughter and i got our annual flu shots again this year. she got hers at school and i had to wait in line for 45 minutes several weeks later to get mine. at any rate, her school recently sent home a permission slip to sign for her to get the H1N1 (here after called by its truly improper name of the swine flu only coz its easier to type than H1N1). i sat her down and we discussed the pros and cons because we've been getting this barrage of "information" (which i put in quotes because honestly, how much of this stuff can we believe -- most of it, from either side of the fence, has been manipulated to suit a purpose -- ie, support their side of the fence).

the real problem, though, is that there is a shortage of the vaccine and even if i sign the form she may not get the vaccine in a timely fashion (it takes at least two weeks to build up an immunity after having the vaccine). ppl r already dropping around her at school (90 in the junior high alone) -- and i don't mean dying, i mean just coming down with it (or symptoms similar to it). several ppl in her math class have already come down with it -- one of whom is a good friend. and i've been coughing for two days straight (even though i think this is my asthma idk for sure that it isn't the beginning of the swine flu) after taking care of two boys last friday and this monday and finding out yesterday that the dad has it -- he works at a nearby college where its been rampant.

so i'm inclined to think she should have the vaccine (and i should too), but then u hear all these horror stories of ppl who had terrible side effects from other flu vaccines (not the swine flu yet) and u wonder which is worse -- the side effects from the vaccine (which could be life-altering) or the flu itself. i mean ppl have already and still r dying from it -- and many of those ppl r young adults and children. and who's to know which information is accurate and not being distorted to the point of non-recognition of the actual facts. its just so confusing...

to vaccinate or not to vaccinate -- that is truly the question.

manners???

so i've been thinking about the fact that no one in my immediate family seems to feel the need to communicate with me when they changes the plans. and i have come to realize that there r probably quite a few reasons for this. can anyone else relate to any of these:

1) i'm not worthy of notification -- truly the only ppl worth notifying of plans changing r good friends -- family don't count

2) y bother telling me because i have no life outside of revolving around theirs, therefore it won't be a big deal to me since i won't have had anything planned prior to or after their need anyhow

3) certainly i'll be able to read their minds because after all, i gave birth to them and have basically read their minds all their lives

4) its too much trouble to pick up their cell phone and push the speed dial button (their fingers r worn out from playing video games)


honestly, if i had changed plans and didn't let my parents know, i wouldn't be here to talk about this. even to this day -- even though i'm 53 and my dad is 83 -- if i didn't tell him when my plans had changed and it was affecting him and his plans, i probably would be disinherited. i thought i had done a good job of conveying to both my children the need for communication -- but obviously, i failed. after all, the eldest used to not show up for dinner on the nights he was supposed to be here and took little mind to actually communicating that with me -- so y should i expect anything less from the youngest ...

no more home ....

well, my dad forwarded an email to me today to say that our old home (the one i spoke about below) is no more. its been razed -- by the Eureka Fire Department apparently -- for practice because Rutters is going to build yet another Rutters gas station/convenience store there -- according to this article i found. like that tiny little town needs another Rutters - they already have one about a mile from where they r building the new one ... i'm just really sad ... nothing ever stays the same ...
Rutters Builds Another Gas Station where there once stood a magical house

too much stuff ...

i love the way my apartment smells of cinnamon, nutmeg and apples after i've baked an apple pie in my oven. it reminds me of my mom's kitchen when she was cooking and baking. funny how certain smells can set off certain memories in ur head ...

the last couple of days i've had this itch to move -- well, not really the moving process itself, because truly, i've moved enough times to know that packing and unpacking basically sucks (sorry for the language folks but that's the only word that describes my feelings on that topic). before i was married, i had moved 7 times. once i got married i was dragged from state to state and several places within one state to the tune of exactly 9 times. its amazing how well u learn to pack and unpack when u have to do it that many times. i've been in this last place for 5 years. before that, i had lived in the same place for 12 years or so. that was a record for me considering the longest stay in one place prior to that was 9 years (when i was a kid).

i digress. so i have this itch to move -- but not really -- i mean i have this itch to go somewhere else and set up shop -- but without all the packing and unpacking part. and i'm beginning to see the benefits of not being a pack rat (which i so obviously am), or to not getting attached to things that belonged to other ppl in my life (my mom's, my grandmother's, etc.), or to not wanting to keep a pictorial record of every blasted thing my kids have ever done (maybe they will appreciate it some day but really, who knows).

part of this feeling came over me when i looked around my tiny apartment and realized that at some point, i'm not going to be able to stay here anymore (once my daughter goes off to college) and that i'm going to have to find a probably even smaller place to live or move into that house that my brother wants to buy in PA (which may or may not become a reality -- not holding my breath on this one). but it also came from digging through scrapbooks and boxes of photos to find photos for my daughter's graduation scrapbooks and realizing that i couldn't find what i was looking for if i tried and those two areas of my life r pretty well organized -- believe it or not. so the unorganized bits could do with a little work (or a lot, depending upon ur viewpoint).

and then, of course, we add to this the fact that the shelf in one of my cupboards came out and dumped its contents on the kitchen floor in front of me. i realized after digging the remainders out (so that the shelf could be fixed) and scattering them on the floor and very small kitchen table that there was a lot of stuff i wasn't using and hadn't used in eons (now that my family was no longer 4 but 2) and that perhaps i should get rid of a LOT of those things. but where to start -- and where to put the stuff i was getting rid of (considering there is little space) until i had enough to warrant a yard sale.

this all got me to thinking about jesus telling the disciples to leave their families and possessions and go out to tell others about the good news. they were to take nothing but the clothes on their backs. they weren't even supposed to take food with them -- the hope was that ppl in the lands they were traveling to would be hospitable and offer them food and shelter. i'm sure that on their travels that it didn't always work out that way, but nevertheless, the basic concept was that u can't take anything with u when u die, so don't get attached to anything while ur here.

so i'm pretty sure that as a disciple of jesus i'm failing abysmally in the area of not being attached -- because there r lots of things that i can't seem to live without -- like this computer for instance -- or pen and paper (for my writings if i didn't have the computer) and those photos in those albums -- yeah, i love looking at them and remembering the good times. when my mom passed away my dad handed over a ton of stuff (owls and such) that she collected over the years. for a long time, i kept it all, because somewhere inside of me i felt like if i got rid of it, it was like i was casting off my mom. eventually, i came to realize that i couldn't cast off my mom if i wanted to because so much of what she was had become a part of me. that realization helped me to let go of a lot of stuff. i still have a few items that were her's, but i know i could let go of them if i had to. still, those pics ... yeah, not so much.

they r, after all, just "things". but they have so much meaning and hold so much of our history -- bits and pieces picked up along the way as momentos of happy times we want to hold on to. is that a bad thing?? perhaps not the gathering of them, but certainly putting them so high up on the "can't live without" chain is. i know that there r ppl who have gone off to live in some other far off place and only taken a suitcase or two. i even have known one or two of those ppl. and that is essentially how i went off to texas when i finally left home. with a couple of suitcases. however, once i was firmly planted there, boxes of "things" started to arrive or were brought down by my parents. that began this whole life of pat rackery. don't get rid of it because some day u might have a need for it. but who could ever really NEED this stuff?? maybe its just more a WANT -- i want this stuff. i want my momentos around me because it makes it feel like home.

and then there is the whole ideal of what is actually home. that's a topic for another day ... in the meantime, i just need to get rid of some STUFF so that when the day comes to move, i won't be overwhelmed -- well, u know i probably will be anyhow!

home???

this is a photo of one of the many homes i grew up in -- its vacant now and "dying" but i still have fond memories of it. ever since the two-week visit to PA i've been thinking about what is "home". my brother has it in his head to buy a home in PA to move to when he retires and wants me to live in it until he does retire. my father thinks its a great idea. i'm hesitant to even contemplate the idea for a lot of reasons, but my father and brother seem to think i'd be stupid not to take the deal.

on the outside it looks rather tempting. i get to use the house for however many years it could be till his retirement (3-7 r the numbers that have been bantered about) without paying any rent -- only paying for utilities. considering i currently don't have a job and that my daughter and i r living off of $650/month in child support (with no unemployment or food stamps) -- a child support that is likely to end when she goes off to college (or sooner if what her father tried to pull when her brother turned 18 in the middle of his senior year is any indication) -- having a place to live without paying for anything but utilities seems like a dream come true.

but all these questions started popping into my head -- like what happens to me when my brother and his family move into the house -- do i become homeless? and what do i do if i can't find a job down there to help me pay for the utilities (as well as food, etc.). and how will this impact on my daughter, who is about to go off to college (most probably somewhere in New England)? she wants to come back to what has been the only home (NH) she's ever really known. I can't blame her for that desire, on the other hand, if i'm in PA will she ever come to see me when she doesn't have any money to travel and i don't have any money to help her travel and we know her father isn't going to be forthcoming with money for travel -- esp. to see his ex-wife. plus there is my desire to go back to school -- possibly Bible school to become a youth pastor. how does that factor into this. i have friends here, but is there where i'm meant to stay.

in having a discussion with my father i was stating how it seemed like nobody was taking into consideration what i wanted -- that everybody had an idea of what was good for me without even consulting me. it was rather disconcerting to realize that at the age of 53 i was so incompetent to make a decision for myself that everybody around me felt they needed to make the decisions for me. my father pointed out that my children would marry some day and move away (much like i had done -- like i had a choice in this) and then where would i be. that i needed to stop living my life for my children (who says i am -- maybe i like the idea of being as close to my kids geographically as i can while i can). he also pointed out that "home" is where ur family is (hello, i have family here in the form of two children and a church family). my father said this was a way for my brother to help me. if my brother really wanted to help me -- there r lots of ways to do that -- like maybe giving me a low interest loan so i can consolidate my debts and get myself out of the mess i'm in. idk -- maybe i'm just expecting too much.

so i started thinking about what is really home and i remember that i read this book once called "home is where the heart is" -- and its true. my heart is with my kids and my church family and my friends. but is also with papa god and wherever he might take me. hey, i've moved around enough in my life to know that i can make friends wherever i go and hang onto the ones i have in different places (at least for a time). its becoming easier to do the latter with the internet and email and facebook. but the real issue here is, where is papa god going to take me -- where does he want me. and maybe that place isn't with my family (dad) in PA -- maybe that place is right here in NH or maybe that place is CA or Hawaii -- idk.

having someone trying to tell me where i SHOULD go isn't the same has papa god guiding me to where i am meant to be. and maybe that is what bothers me the most about all of this -- is that idk if papa god's hand is in this deal in PA. as much as i love my dad -- and my brother -- and i know they love me -- that doesn't mean that they have papa god's interests in their hearts. they could see this as the best solution, but maybe papa god has other thoughts. and as i told my dad, papa god's ways don't always mesh with man's so-called "logical" ones.

i only know that at some point papa god will show me where it is he wants me to be -- and until then, i'm reserving the right to not "jump" at this idea and to take the wait and see approach...

mi familia

two weeks ago was my family reunion in PA. we do this every year -- sometimes we can make it -- sometimes we can't. this year my brother got to come -- he lives in Texas, so its a big deal when he's here at all let alone for a reunion. the last reunion he came to was the year my mom died -- 21 years ago. so imagine the surprise on ppl's faces when they saw him there yesterday.

most of the time ppl show up at these things and we haven't seen each other for a year or more and there r so dang many of us -- my dad was the baby of like a dozen -- and we don't really know each other and we have to introduce ourselves all over again. then there is this sort of self-imposed "clique-ishness" that happens and idk y it happens but its kind of annoying how ppl push themselves into pockets and don't come out of the pockets to chat with others. this year, that didn't happen and it was kinda cool.

sometimes i feel like there r so many ppl at these reunions that they can't all be related to us and maybe they r just strays off the street looking to belong to a family. i mean, everybody needs to be able to say they belong to a family ... even the family of papa god.

this year we also all got to meet the great great granddaughter of a man who was my great great great grandfather's son -- and the brother of my great great grandfather. yeah -- confusing i know. there is some speculation that my great great great grandfather (john) came here from ireland -- although there is also speculation that he was born here to parents who came from ireland. we know where he is buried and so after the reunion we went to visit his grave (i'd never been there before) and there were a zillion daughertys there -- no lie!!! so i took photos of all the headstones -- many of which u can't read anymore coz they r so worn down.

when ur standing there looking at these names on these stones and realizing that somehow ur related to them its kind of overwhelming. u don't really know them -- sort of like the living ppl at the reunions -- yet there is a real sense of family connection.

i discovered that i had a great uncle who was a pastor and before that i had two great great uncles, and a great great great uncle who were all pastors. idk where their mantles went when they passed on coz my great uncle had a daughter and she didn't become a pastor and i also wonder how many other ppl in my family were pastors. it makes me realize though that my love of papa god was forged a long long time ago in ppl i don't even know.

watching ppl at the reunionß, seeing faces, i can see resemblances in them to the ones in the old photos from generations past that i put in my scrapbook. it isn't just looks that r passed on -- all the talents can be passed on as well. the artists and musicians who were in my family show up in my children and my cousins, and their gifts. all of that is passed down from generation to generation and needs to be cultivated and activated so its not lost. we can't afford to squander what gifts we've been given -- future generations can't afford it either. we need to be mindful and protect it and grow it to pass on to the next generations.

ramblings ....

i did the crafts fair on sat. we didn't have as big of a turn out as i expected for all the advertising they said they had done - but nonetheless i managed to sell a few pieces, for which i'm extremely thankful. they asked me if i was coming back for the one in december (more like november) and i said sure -- its not like i have to make a lot more stuff -- i certainly have enough inventory. i did put up a few things on etsy this morning. and i'll continue to add things this week. perhaps that will generate some sales ....

its finally gotten sunny and hot here -- we've had so much rain that most of my plants have rotted away outside. i don't have a green thumb to begin with -- so this is quite upsetting. all of the spinach was "eaten" by some critter -- probably the two ground hogs that were out there -- and the one and only squash that was on the vine disappeared (probably the same critter) before it had a chance to get big enough to pick. i probably won't try this container gardening thing again -- what a waste of time and money it was.

at any rate, with the heat the apartment heats up. i decided not to the put the a/c in this year as they upped the amount per month they charge for them. that means i keep all the doors and windows closed and the blinds all pulled throughout most of the day. kind of makes me feel like we're vampires or something... i've been keeping things closed up a lot anyhow because they pulled all the siding off my building in the hopes of re-insulating, etc. but for months they haven't been able to do anything because of all the rain. now there is mold growing everywhere and i'm allergic to it -- so i've had to deal with itchy eyes and constant coughing. one would think i wasn't taking any allergy meds at all for all the issues i've had. i guess some things just can't be cured with a simple pill.

the last couple of days i've been dealing with pain in both arms. i had to go to PT last thurs. for the arm that wasn't injured in the fall. evidently, this is a common thing because we tend to favor the "bad" arm and use the good arm to excess -- plus, we're not as young as we used to be and things don't work as well and blah blah blah (this is all according to the orthopedic surgeon). i basically wanted to tell him to shut up because i'm still contending for supernatural healing. after i said that to him (not the shut up part) he said, "yeah, how's that working out for ya?" yeah, shut up ....

my neighbor told me the other night that i'm like Job in the bible. she's not the first person to tell me this and quite frankly, i really wish ppl would stop comparing me to Job. he kept his faith in papa god regardless of what the devil threw at him, or his friends said to him. he was amazing and frankly, i don't really measure up. someone this morning said that i would be happy in the lord even if the healing never came -- and they r right, but that doesn't mean that i don't expect it to come -- or that i give up hope of it coming. let's be real about this -- to say that u'll be happy even if it doesn't come is a cop out -- its like saying well, i believe that papa god will heal me and yet i don't. i expect that he will heal me -- period. duh!!! i have put all my trust and faith in him and it doesn't waiver when there is pain, i don't shake my fist at the sky and ask him y he's putting me through this -- i just trust and love him because i know he loves me. how much more simply can i put that -- the pain i feel has nothing to do with him -- the love i feel from him has everything to do with him. pain or no pain, i still love my papa god!

my daughter is back from being with her dad for the last week+. i think she's happy to be home. i'm happy to have her home, but it made me realize while she was gone, just how much i'm going to miss her when she's away at college. sooner or later i have to let go -- but i know its gonna be hard. probably for her too -- although she'll have lots of new adventures and friends to make -- so that will make the time easier for her. she says she'll call me every night, but i don't expect that and its ok if she doesn't because i know she has to move forward with her life.