what not to wear ... sabina style

so last night i got the chance to help a friend go clothes shopping. she has a hard time finding things and wanted to get some "girly" looking clothes for this potential meeting with a fellow she met online. originally, my 16yo daughter was going to go with us, but my friend and i got kind of rowdy (ok, well mostly it was me) and sammy decided to stay home. probably a good thing.

my friend Sharon is a hoot. i love her dearly and she's a sister in the faith -- so its a rad kind of relationship. we can be so serious and talking spiritual stuff one minute and discussing our issues with men and laughing our heads off the next. at any rate, i was flattered that she asked me to help her -- because frankly, i don't do "girly". i wear jeans and t-shirts most days and even when i go for an interview i wear dress pants and nothing "frilly". and something u need to know about Sharon is that her nickname is littlebity -- she's short... so i'm sure its not easy for her to find things that fit (like don't hang to the ground).

so we went to this store where the manager, Heather, is like a riot. i go there because i have a card there and i get all sorts of deals because of it -- but i also go there because they have clothes that fit my misses/plus-sized body and Heather is a riot -- no seriously, i mean i like going there because Heather is a riot!! she makes the whole painful to me shopping experience a lot of fun. she jokes around and she's very good at making ppl feel at ease. evidently, Sharon likes to shop there for the same reasons.

at any rate, as we walked around Sharon would pull things off the rack and put them back and i would pull them off the rack after her, until i had an armful of things for her to try on. she was fussing about it, but truly if u don't try stuff on, u'll never know what it looks like on u. because things u might dislike on the hanger, might be the perfect thing for u. and of course, i was trying to remember all the "what not to wear" rules i've learned the last couple of years. and in the end, Sharon found a lot of really cute tops to wear and saved a bundle of money (due to sales and coupons and such). and we had a great time laughing and trying things on -- and Heather was her usual riot self. and its probably a good thing that sammy didn't go along coz she would have been rolling her eyes and all embarrassed at our behavior.

oh -- i also picked up a job application .... hee hee

the wedding dress update

imagine my surprise when i got home from helping a friend with her clothes shopping expedition to find out that someone from the TeamCAC that i am a member of had chosen my wedding dress to highlight in a forum thread on etsy.
Wedding Dress Thread
the views, which were at 68 when i left this morning, were over 237 last time i looked. and if u read through the thread about other ppl's wedding dresses, its just a fun thing to find out how ppl have handled their wedding dresses....
but thanks to everybody on TeamCAC for keeping the thread going because not only did the dress get views, but other items in my shop got views, too!! blessings to all....
here's the listing for the dress in my shop:
Wedding Dress listing

cold weather and crocheting ....

ok, just so u know -- i hate the cold weather -- i'm not fond of snow unless i'm inside and i don't have to shovel or drive anywhere in it. unfortunately, i live in NH -- and 6 months out of 12 we have cold weather and a good many of those have snow. and when i talk about cold i mean like 30 below zero with a wind chill factor making it feel like its 50 below. u go outside and instantly the hairs in ur nose freeze. its just brutal...

so when the cold weather comes, i bring out the knitting and crocheting. yeah -- i'm a jack of all trades and master of none. but the thing is that crocheting is one of the first crafts i learned how to do as a kid. my mom taught me. and i've been making afghans for as long as i can remember. last year i started a granny square one. i probably have 3/4 of the squares i need to finish it. but when i get tired of doing one thing, i pick up another kind of yarn and make something completely different.

where am i going with this -- well, it was snowing here (flurries) yesterday, and my daughter had decided a couple of days before that she wanted one of those round knitting tools and started making some hats on her own. because we were looking around in my stash (yeah, u read that right), i pulled out some yarn and made some scarves. today i put them up on etsy. because i decided that i want to make my shop for jewelry and accessories. so go check them out at Angelic Adornments
on that same note, i'm trying to decide if i want to set up a new shop with the Angelic Adornments name. i sort of already did, but i didn't move anything (costly) and i'd lose what feedback i have. but etsy has this weird thing that when u sign up ur username becomes ur shop name. i'm not the only person who misunderstood this and has ended up with a shop name that has nothing to do with their business name. but there are a lot of logistics involved in moving stuff to a new shop -- i think of all the places i have it listed as it is now and it makes me cringe. so i'm thinking i will just leave it the way it is for now and maybe some time in the future when i have more money (and time), i'll move it.

Tag -- You're It???

well i guess i'm gonna have to play this tag-you're-it game because i've been tagged by not just ONE but TWO ppl. so here r 7 random things about me ....

1. i want to go to ministry school at the Bethel School of Supernatural Ministry in california when my daughter graduates from high school. if i could go now -- i would ... but its not for this season ... so yeah ...

2. i love to read. if i could spend a most of my waking hours reading -- i would. unfortunately, there is no money in that ...

3. i used to have this unicorn fetish and i have a couple of boxes of unicorns all packed up. they have been that way for years -- i'm pretty sure my kids don't even know about this fetish because most of these puppies haven't made it out of the boxes since they've been in the world.

4. i like watching shows like project runway. i like sewing, but who knows y this show intrigues me... like i've said before, there isn't much i watch -- but for some reason project runway is like an obsession ... i blame it on my daughter because i didn't know this show existed until she showed it to me ...

5. some days i'd rather stay in bed than get up at all.

6. i hate doing dishes, but some how i always get stuck doing them -- and we don't have a dishwasher -- i'm it!

7. i miss having my mom around to talk to. she was my best friend and i could talk to her about anything. its been over 20 years and i'm still not really used to it. sometimes something reminds me of her and well, u can imagine ....

idk who to tag. everybody i would have tagged has been tagged it seems. and probably nobody would want to be tagged. but i'll give this a shot.

Becoming Lily
Glass and Fire
Doyle Jewelry
I'm Just Bein Me
Beading Jewelry Making
Upstate Fancy
Rebecca's Soap Deli News

teens ...

there r a lot of things i'm learning about teens. its never a good idea to ask a teen to take out the recycling on their way to the bus stop. honestly, its only about 12 feet from the front door (if that) and the bus stop is down the road and around the corner so nobody is going to see her actually doing it, but don't bother asking because u'll get the "what am i supposed to do with it" mouthing off and then u get the eye-rolling and sighing. u'd think she never has to take out the recycling -- oh yeah, that's right, she never does. just like she never helps to sort it either, and doesn't bother to take the labels and bottle tops off the cans and bottles she uses and throws in there.

don't bother asking a teen what they want for breakfast either -- they don't eat breakfast -- and if u try to force them, they give u grief about it. its just not worth the hassles.

actually, its not worth the hassles for a lot of things -- like asking them to help to do the dishes (or at the very least, run some water over that plate or in that cup they throw in the sink), take out the trash, clean their rooms, and god forbid that u should ask them to bring u their dirty laundry so that u can wash, dry and fold it for them -- especially if they r in the middle of watching some stupid video on youtube.com.

yeah, i'm learning that its just easier sometimes to do this stuff urself than to ask a teen to do it.

a good blessings day!

so sometimes at the local grocery store they have what r called "manager's specials". its usually in the meat, although there r sometimes other things that get marked down. and i tend to look for them when i can because like today -- they had two pork chops for $4.99 and i got $2.00 off -- and if i chop that up in a can of sauerkraut in the crock pot that will feed sammy and i for probably two meals. and they had some ground pork that was $2.00 off about the same price -- and i mixed it with an egg, some bread crumbs, garlic, salt, pepper and fennel seed and made 8 patties -- which is enough for four meals for sammy and i coz they r big. so i feel like accomplished some bargains today -- i should call them blessings.

i also got some free brita water pitcher filters. there is this thing called freecycle -- its an online board where ppl can post things they want to get rid of -- always free (thus, the "free" in the name). i belong to two of them -- two different towns. well this guy had posted them and i somehow missed them the first time and so i emailed him and said if the other person didn't show to lmk because i would come and get them. and the other person didn't show. so i drove out there and its a new box -- 6 total. we're set for a little while now. its great because i can't buy bottled water (no money) and i hate the taste of our tap water, so i just filter it. so there was another blessing.

i figured out that i'm probably going to make maple pumpkin butter for christmas gifts. i have the jars and lids for canning them, and all the spices. i just need the canned pumpkin (and i think i have one can in my cupboard) and some apple cider (which is prevalent this time of year) and a couple of tablespoons of maple syrup -- which shouldn't be too hard to come by. so yeah ....

the other blessings i got today came from the "veggie man". there is a group here called willing hands who goes around in this truck and collects produce and bread from the local stores -- this is stuff that is usually not in such great shape and they can't sell it so they donate it and then the wiling hands ppl come to all the low income housing places and distribute it. so there were two really nice avacados (which usually they r in really bad shape) and apples (all kinds -- makes the best applesauce in the world!) and a loaf of pane bread and a loaf of cinnamon raisin bread. i also got three really nice bananas. today was a good "veggie man" day. blessings all.

so all in all, today was a good blessings day!!

its tuesday!

so yesterday evening i was online and who should get on and send me a message about their lives but the person i spoke about below in the blank CD blog. very interesting since i had asked papa a couple of days ago that if this person wasn't supposed to be in my life to take them out of my heart so that i wouldn't think about them and wonder so much how they are.

on the job front, nobody has called. i'm still coughing so i haven't rescheduled the appointment with the other employment agency and i'm sitting here thinking about creative ways that i might get the money to pay the rent on friday. yesterday morning i was online with a friend and she asked me what i was going to do and i said, "pray for supernatural provisions over my checkbook" -- to which she laughed. she's a christian -- i think she's done this before without success and that's y she laughed. i'll keep praying for the supernatural provision over the checkbook....

i had all these plans yesterday to work on my jewelry and create some new pieces, but that didn't happen. my daughter wasn't feeling well and stayed home from school. i had been up at 3 am and was exhausted and so we both went back to bed. it made me feel bad when i didn't get up till 11 -- she didn't get up until almost 2. she said her father was coming to get her late (he usually comes at 4:30 -- although he gets earlier and earlier all the time). imagine our surprise when he walks in the door at 4:17. after she left i set about doing the laundry -- a chore i've taken to doing when she's not here because it "gives me something constructive to do" and doesn't take time away from our time together. i don't date -- probably never will -- and since i have no money i don't go out with friends. but even if i did -- i'm still sick, so i wouldn't subject anyone else to my hacking. at any rate, in the midst of folding the first load, i found chewing gum on one of my shirts. i don't chew gum anymore -- so i know its from her -- and of course it was all over the inside of my dryer and who only knows what other articles of clothing. i didn't even bother to look because i was just to mad. i'll find out when i go to put things on i suppose. she and her brother used to put their lip balms in their pockets and forget about them and they would go through the wash ok but when the heat of the dryer hit them they would melt and ooze out their gooey-ness all over the other clothes. and of course, because it had oils in it that stuff NEVER comes out. for a long time i managed to get them to check their pockets for stuff before they dumped them by the washer. then i stopped bugging because i hadn't found any surprises. i guess i'll have to start bugging again....

so on another note, i finally was approved for Project Wonderful. we will see how this works for me. i'm off to actually get something done today -- even if it is only going and getting a loan on my life insurance...

a plug for Pushing Daisies

i don't usually talk about what i watch on tv because frankly, even though there is lots of "stuff" on tv to watch, there isn't much i do watch. most of the time its a cooking show -- i love the show about Charm City Cakes in Baltimore because i used to decorate cakes and its near my old stomping grounds. but there is ONE show on a major network that i have come to love and that's Pushing Daisies. its about this guy who has the ability to bring ppl back to life for a minute -- any longer and someone else dies as he found out when he was a child and brought his mom back to life only to have the father of the girl across the street (that he secretly crushed on) drop dead. long story -- years later Chuck (as she is affectionately known as) ends up murdered and u guessed it, Ned brings her back to life. now they spend their time waking the dead to help a local PI investigate murders. of course there is this attraction between Ned and Chuck, but they can never touch or she will die again. so its the classic love struggle thing.
so y am i telling u all this -- to get u to watch it -- because the writing (dialog) is phenomenal. the first season it was interrupted by the writers' strike. now in its second season the viewership is down a bit -- who knows y -- and of course, for any show on the major networks, its all about the numbers (which is dumb, but w/e). if u watch this show and appreciate good writing, u'll like this show. and its quirky and funny and honestly, it just good fun. its on wed. nights (8pm EST) on ABC. check it out! ok -- commercial done...

songs on the CD

i came across this unmarked CD in the midst of a bunch of CDs from guest speakers and prophetic stuff that was spoken over me. it was unmarked, so i shoved it into my computer and all it had on it to identify it was track 1, track 2, track 3, etc. no names or anything. i clicked on one of them and instantly recognized the band and pretty much knew who had given it to me or at the very least had let me borrow their's to copy.

funny how a piece of music can bring back a wave of memories and emotions. some things r hard to let go of, some things i am hesitant to let go for fear of losing them forever.

ppl think i'm weird and i admit that i probably am not "normal" in the true sense of the word. i feel too deeply and carry stuff in my heart that belongs to others along with my own muck. idk if i would call it a gift -- although some ppl have labeled it as that. sometimes it feels more like a curse because i'd love to let go of some this junk and move it out -- or at the very least move me farther away from it.

this one particular thing i'm lugging around in my heart right now, along with all the fond memories, has a lot of pain and regret attached to it and of course, every time i come across a song that reminds me of it. i'm put right back into that place. part of me can't seem to let go of it because it was a starting point for me on a path that i'm now traveling. so there is a fondness there and a bit of thanksgiving for the blessing of setting me on that path. its like some sort of odd crutch -- that if i let go of it i might fall down on the path or stray and not be able to find my way back. its a ridiculous line of thinking because in reality, this person can't do anything to help me if i did stray -- nor would they probably want to. they have long since moved on to another dimension of their own path.

and i can look at this and say its a crutch and be all logical about letting it go and y i am having trouble letting it go, but that doesn't help in the process of letting it go. ok its like this medication i have for my meniere's disease. i keep it around, because i never know when or if i might need it, even though i really haven't needed it in a while, but i keep it just the same because what if i did need it and then i didn't have it to fall back on. its just silly and it reminds me that i'm not trusting papa to deal with it or to help me when i stumble. it reminds me that i'm looking to man to help me. but i'm not really because the few times i have stumbled lately, it wasn't man i ran to, but to papa.

ok, so now i've admitted that i have this issue with crutches. but its more than that. it like letting go of ur kid -- u know they need to learn to do it on their own, but u kind of want to be there to catch them if they fall. but u know u need to move away from it. and here's the thing -- there were times when i felt like maybe i was a bit of a crutch to this person, and hey, who doesn't like the feeling of being needed sometimes. but now its apparent that they have moved on and so y can't i. but i sort of have -- its just that sometimes i'm drawn back to that place by a song and the memory of when it was given and for what purpose and how it brought me to the next rung on the ladder to papa. yeah... those r good memories -- do i have to let go of those because the bitter ones r there too?? yeah ... not knowing on this one. but hoping that wherever they r and whatever they r doing that they r being blessed big by papa because if it hadn't been for all the times i got picked up and plunked back on the path -- i might never be where i am today... so bless them papa -- bless them big.

dreaming

i hate dreaming because i never know how to interpret the dreams. i mean r the things that happen in dreams significant or not.

lately, i've had a lot of weird dreams and i figure papa is trying to tell me something, i just can't figure out what. a couple of days ago when i first got sick, i went back to bed for a while and dreamed i was in japan without a passport and wondering how i got into japan without the passport and how i was going to get back to my country without the passport. i then spent the rest of the dream time trying to figure out the best way to get my passport which was on the kitchen table at home. only in real life -- my passport is in a lock box and the passport that is on the kitchen table is my daughter's. so go figure -- what does it mean.

last night (still sick) i dreamed i was somewhere where for the last two years i've wanted to go. and it was like i knew every square inch of the place and knew where every thing and everybody was located. and then suddenly i was in the church next to my kids' first school, and a friend i hadn't seen for a while was there and their mom -- turns out -- was working at the school and when i was hollering at them to get their attention they ignored me. then this guy from the CSI show i had watched last night was there and he was tripping over me to get to them and they paid attention to him and kept ignoring me and i was like -- ok, fine, w/e. its dumb, i know.

some ppl believe that dreams try to tell u something about urself and things in ur past or present or future and that ur supposed to pay close attention to them. other ppl think that dreams happen when ur spirit leaves ur body for a while and "travels" -- yeah -- ok, but were those other ppl in my dream traveling to my dream?? i kinda doubt that. still others just think that dreams r dreams and nothing more. idk what to think because there have been plenty of times when i've dreamed about stuff and then its come true somewhere down the line -- or its like an indicator of something that's about to change in my life.

if papa is trying to tell me something with these latest dreams -- idk what it is. and i'm too sick to really try and analyze it or care for that matter ....

friday

WARNING: i'm probably about to tick off a lot of ppl -- so if ur a smoker and don't want to get ticked off -- stop reading.
its friday and i'm sick. i've been sick for three days. right now the coughing is bothering me more than anything. i haven't been sick this much since -- well for at least 10 years. if not more. i used to get sick like this when i was a kid and my dad was smoking. then we discovered i was allergic to tobacco. he had to stop smoking.
so last december, we had a smoker move in next door. she signed a no-smoking lease and the whole complex is supposed to go non-smoking this coming january -- but she's smoking in the apt. ask me how i know -- because the smoke is creeping into my apt. how is that possible?? well the apt. were built on a slab and over the years the buildings have shifted and now any place where its supposed to be connected to the slab it isn't - so the smoke comes in because its no longer connected. so like at the bottom of my stairs and the downstairs closets. its really bad. the neighbor on the other side of the smoker is having the same issue and in some respects its worse for her because she's an ex-smoker. so the smell is making her sick to her stomach. i have air purifiers running in all of the rooms of my house (four of them) and it costs me a bundle to buy the filters for them, but i think if i didn't have them running, i'd be worse off than i am.
for years i told my kids about the dangers of smoking. of course whenever i would take my kids to get their dad at work (the hospital) they would see smokers outside and ask -- well if smoking is so bad for u how come doctors and nurses still do it. good question. now my son smokes a pipe. its gross -- thankfully he doesn't do it around me. of course, he'd land me in the hospital with an asthma attack if he did. i just don't know what got him started and i wish he'd quit.
i had an aunt who never smoked a day in her life, but she died a horrible death from lung cancer. her brother (my dad) was by her side for most of the last few months of her life and told me how awful it was watching her struggling, crying out from the pain, struggling to breathe, gasping for air. how did she get lung cancer if she never smoked -- she lived with a smoker. her husband probably smoked two packs a day. u could hear it in his voice when he talked.
the neighbor's voice is like that -- all craggy. she's quite proud of the fact that she's smoked for 40 years and has no intention of quitting. i don't care what smokers do to themselves -- but i care a lot about what they do to others. the neighbor has her daughter and her granddaughter (2 yo) living with her. does she not care about their health -- esp. the granddaughter?? when we had a residents' meeting a while ago to discuss going smoke free, she let it be known that she wasn't about to quit. but she's not smoking outside either -- which is what they r supposed to do. now that the weather is getting colder i kinda doubt she will, which means more smoke will come into my apt. and i'll probably be sick a lot. ask me if i like that idea?? last winter it wasn't as big a deal because i was working outside the home most of the time -- and when i came home i would air out the apt. but now i'm home all the time and we're really wasting energy if we have doors and windows open and heat on. so i turn the heat off and then i'm cold.
the other issue that has come up -- and part of the reason the complex decided to go smoke-free -- is that ppl have been caught smoking in their bedrooms -- with cigarette burns on the mattresses, etc. its like a fire waiting to happen. ppl have said i should just move. it should be so easy. it isn't. smokers think they don't hurt anyone but themselves -- but they r wrong and they need to adjust their tunnel vision and see how their self-gratification is inflicting harm on others. this woman doesn't care about the health of her own family, i doubt that she'd quit for my health.
at any rate, i guess for now i'll have to put up with the fact that for the third time in as many months i'm sick.

cool stuff

i am watching on ibethel.tv/onair the Open Heavens Conference that is being live streamed there from the Bethel School of Supernatural Ministry in Redding, CA. i love Bill Johnson's books and teachings and get all the podcasts from there as well -- so this is just so cool to participate in the worship service and then to watch the teachings. you should check it out:

Open Heavens Conference
once there u'll have to email them ur email addy so they can send u the code to watch the streaming -- and if u have a Mac (like i do), u'll have to download Flip4Mac -- but its so worth it. i have learned so much by watching and listening to messages out of bethel for the last three years, and from reading books written by Bill Johnson and Kris Vallotton. check it out and be blessed!!

so today i decided to sell my wedding dress on etsy. my daughter can't wear the dress (frankly she's got more on top than i have now) and i'm not sure i have the ability to rework it for her. so it seemed like a good thing to do to sell it and use the money to pay a bill or two. getting photos of it that showed the detail were interesting. etsy only allows five photos -- but i took like 8 or 9 and i could send them to anyone who is interested.
i'm kinda sad that my sammy can't wear the dress -- but really, when she does get married, i'm sure she'll have her own style and wouldn't want something that was my style anyhow. i know that when i got married, if my mom had still had her wedding dress, i would have probably wanted to wear it. my mom didn't have a traditional dress because they had a small family wedding in 1944 and her dress was street length. but i am such a sap for that hand-me-down vision, that had she had one, i would have wanted to wear it.
at any rate, here's the link if anyone is looking for a wedding dress to wear as it is or to rework it. at this point, i'd dicker on the price just because i need the cash badly. lol who would have thought that me, the sap for hand-me-down traditions would be selling their wedding dress on etsy!! lol too funny where we've come from ....

My Wedding Dress For Sale on Esty

etsyBEAD Team Theme Sales Specials

i joined a couple of teams when i first joined etsy to help promote my little jewelry business and to get advice from other beaders. one of them is the etsyBEAD Team. every two weeks they have these themes for sales specials. the last two weeks were "Changing Colors". the next two weeks r "Mad About Metals". these bi-weekly themes have special sale prices on them. mine r 10% off and free shipping for each second or more item purchased at the same time (and the second item doesn't have to be one of the sales specials!). this EBTW sale runs from Sunday 10/19 through Saturday 11/1. check back often as our street team members may add new items throughout the week! here's the link to the search for all EBTW (etsyBEAD Theme Week) specials by the etsyBEAD Team members (including me!). happy shopping!!

etsyBEAD theme of the week item search
here's the link to my EBTW items:

Angelic Adornments EBTW Sale Items

gifts from papa...

for about two and a half hours today i was outside on some back dirt road taking photos. one of the ppl (jeff) who goes to my morning church and leads worship from time to time is producing his own cd filled with his own songs and needed photos for the front and back covers. i offered to help -- idk how much help i was in that dept. but we took a few pics and there might be a couple that would work for them.

while we were on this excursion, we had a chance to talk about some things. its interesting to "compare notes" with other christians from time to time about their journey. sometimes i find myself "preaching to myself" when attempting to encourage others to keep on their journey with papa. i hear stuff coming out of my mouth that has not been in my head and i know its from papa.

the best part of today -- aside from the gleaning of a new relationship with another one of papa's kids -- was being outside in papa's world -- with all the painted leaves. at one point we went past the river where the water was so still it was like a mirror. somewhere upstream the water was flowing swiftly and i wondered, how did it get so still further downstream when it was flowing so heavily upstream. just another wonder of papa's.

i love this time of year because the colors r so pretty and its just another reminder that there is something greater than any of us directing this amazing scenery change. as we stood on the back roads today (and some of them were really back roads barely big enough for one car), i could take in all the beauty and know that papa was right there with us. its those little blessings that help keep me going. while others may look for the huge miracles, i know that the little miracles r just as important in papa's grand scheme of things.

i remember one sunday when jeff was leading worship. i was in a particularly bad place in my life -- feeling unloved and unloveable. i wondered how anyone could ever love me. jeff came in carrying this gnarly piece of birch. during worship he held it up and talked about how most of us see ourselves as this gnarled ugly piece of wood, but that papa sees us as this beautiful 12-string guitar. he suggested that we needed to start seeing ourselves as that guitar -- as papa sees us. it was a turning point for me because it was then that i realized that i wasn't seeing myself as that precious daughter of a king but as something so much less. that if i ever was to come into relationship with papa i was going to have to start seeing myself as he saw me.

i don't always succeed and sometimes the enemy whispers lies into my head that make me start to slip into that ugly space -- but papa always finds a way to pull me back -- either through encouragement from another or a sign. its a wonderful gift. i hope that he continues to use me to help others through encouraging them. even that is a gift from papa....

blessings

so last night i went to see a wonderful lady, who is from Wales, at the church i'm not supposed to be attending right now. i haven't seen this woman in a year and i love her spirit -- we're friends on Myspace. its a sort of wonderful papa connection that doesn't need constant communication to keep it alive -- if that makes sense.

at any rate, i went knowing that papa doesn't want me there (being disobedient) and hoping that he would forgive me just this once. it was lovely to see everybody again -- many of the ppl there r like family. but it was hard, too. because i knew i wasn't supposed to be there and probably wouldn't be back at least not for this season. i found myself defending what was happening in my life and having ppl who wanted me to come to "prayer sessions" to help me battle whatever is going on with me. i wanted to say -- i'm not broken, don't try to fix me. all sorts of judgements and assumptions were being made and many ppl were trying to "read my mail", which is annoying to say the least. i even had a couple ppl accuse me of isolating myself -- just because i'm not coming to this church anymore doesn't mean i've locked myself away in my apt. and am not speaking to anyone -- i have a wonderful support "family" at my morning church and with some of my neighbors and friends i've known from my past business. its ridiculous to think that because i stopped going to that church that means i've isolated myself. i do have other friends outside of that community.

i'm in such a different place than i was a year or even 6 months ago. ppl keep trying to push me back there for some reason. i occasionally have my moments of discouragement and sadness -- i think that's sort of normal -- but papa is so very good and pulls me right back to where i need to be. he's surrounded me with ppl who have supported and encouraged me.

so this afternoon i was trying to watch the worship service at bethel at www.ibethel.tv/onair and at the tail end of bill johnson's talk he ask how many of us have dismissed the anointing of another because of the "packaging" or the "history" of that person. i thought -- wow, i know i've probably done that -- but i really felt like last night -- my anointing was being dismissed yet again and that papa doesn't want me there because it will continue to be dismissed there until they r ready to see past the way i was to the way i am now.

honestly, i have such calm about things now that i never had before -- and even though the whole job issue is frustrating and confusing -- deep down inside i know that papa has a plan and i just need to be open and receptive to where he's going with that plan so that i won't miss when he opens the door for me. he's making it really clear where he doesn't want me when it comes to the jobs i've been offered or the interviews i've gone on by putting that unsettledness in my spirit either during or after. what's not overly apparent is where i am supposed to be so that i can set my feet in that direction. and although that's a little frustrating to this person who likes instant gratification and needs money in her wallet -- its not so overwhelming that i can't deal with it.

what i realized today was that i have been blessed in so many wonderful ways by the presence of so many loving and caring ppl in my life that my cup is overflowing. if u measure a person's success in the amount of money they have in the bank, then i'm a failure. but if u measure a person's success by the kinds of relationships they have with the ppl around them, then i'm a success.

someone today was talking about a church where certain ppl couldn't be considered elders -- where they had to have such and such an attendance rate, tithing all the time, not be this or that kind of person (divorced, unwed mother, etc.). it all just seemed ridiculously sad and at that i thought, thank u papa for loving me and allowing me to be a part of ur family regardless of my background. thank u for looking past all the ick of my life and showing me where my heart lies. it is by his grace that i have the blessings i have -- and i need to never forget that and thank him daily for that.

my "punishment" for my disobedience last night, if u want to label it that -- as my friend margaret pointed out to me today -- was having those ppl judge me, assume things about me that were untrue and having to deal with the looks and remarks that could be potentially hurtful. happily, papa kept me calm throughout it all, wrapped his shield of protection around me, did not abandon me, and showed me the way out the door at the end of the evening. a blessing indeed...

saturday into sunday

so my daughter and i r friends on facebook -- which is a laugh -- but its one way to keep in touch when she's with her dad or in england (like she was this past summer). at any rate, tonight after our phone conversation to say goodnight, she sent me this video. the caption with the video reads: A film about a girl revisiting her memories of her childhood spent with her mother. Hand drawn animation set to piano music by Chopin. A film by Hyun-min Lee.



my daughter the artist -- sends me a video by an artist about her relationship with her mother... see this is just one reason i love my daughter -- she's an amazing young woman!

saturday

my daughter is with her dad this weekend. i hate it when she's not here, but its soon gonna be a reality that she'll be off to college and i'll have to figure out what i want to do with the rest of my life once i no longer have children to wrap my life around.

at any rate, she's gone off to take the PSAT test. they had to be at the school at 7:45. so we were up early once again. seems like i never really get to sleep in. another fact of being a mom.... especially a single mom.

i probably won't get to hear about how it went for her until after she comes home on sunday night and by then she'll have forgotten a lot of it. i remember when she was born -- so tiny and needy -- and now here she is -- all grown up and lot wiser in many ways than i'll ever be. where does the time go. can it really be almost 17 years since i brought her into this world?? she is my miracle child. she almost died when i was giving birth to her because of a knot in her umbilical cord. but she saved my life when my in-laws were so torturous to me -- i could wrap myself around her care and that of her brother and pretend they weren't really there brow beating me.

she saved my life during the divorce by saying she would live with me. she doesn't know she's done this. she doesn't have a clue how difficult it is to be alone. i'm learning little by little how to do that. how to work towards the plan that papa has for me -- a plan that doesn't include wrapping myself around my kids or a husband anymore.

who would have thought that my daughter going off to her PSATs would have spurred this line of thinking...

my favorite piece

so last night (late) i sold one of my favorite pieces of jewelry on etsy. it was such a favorite that i made it my avatar. since it was a OOAK piece, i took down the avatar and put up my next favorite as my new avatar.

at any rate, i love this piece for two reasons -- the colors r eye-popping and the design was like RIGHT THERE when i was creating it. i mean -- bam, there it is. i'm excited because its the first large piece i've sold on etsy and after the word my friend gave me yesterday, i wondered what she knew that i didn't. along with the word about the writer's conference, she gave me a word about my jewelry. when she came in she asked about the jewelry (because i was working on editing some photos for etsy of new things i'd made) and i said, "well, it isn't selling" to which she replied "don't worry, it soon will be". i was like ok -- i'm glad ur so sure of this because i'm not.

so how wonderful does it feel when i go online to check everything before i go to bed last night and see that i've sold a piece of jewelry right after she's been here and given me that word. papa is very very good ...

i'm so confused ...

so weird stuff happened today. some of it i can't talk about right now because i'm still upset about it and have to figure out what to do. some of it is just weird.
a friend from my church that papa doesn't want me going to came by today because she knew i was upset and she sat in my living room and told me she was having a download (from god -- which happens a lot with her) and that i was supposed to go to the writer's conference. i said, i have no money, papa doesn't want me there, blah blah blah. she had an answer for everything. how can i fight this???
i'm so confused and papa just needs to give me a download. i've been in tears most of the afternoon since i left the interview actually -- and my head is now paying the price with throbbing. idk what to do or think anymore... so yeah -- papa just needs to be clear cut on all of this for me...

interviews and open house at school

u would think that after years of working in high level places that i would not have an issue with going on an interview. but there is something about interviewing that just sets off that panic button in me.

so today i have an interview. its for a job -- a real-life paying job -- not like the job i've had for the last four years (where i was co-owner of a store and only got $100 a week after four years of operating it). this is a job with a real hourly wage. so i'm nervous about the interview. its not the first interview i've ever had (obviously), but its the first interview i've had in a really really long time with an actual employer. the last two interviews i had recently were with an employment agency and a large hospital nearby that makes u jump through like 3 preliminary interview hoops before u actually get to interview with the ppl for which u'll be working. so this interview today -- is the real deal. i thought i was prepared. i'm feeling like i'm not. imagine that!

to another topic, my daughter's school had their open house last night. this is like the umpteenth open house at this school that i've attended, since my son went there as well. i got to meet her teachers. some seemed really pulled together -- others seemed uncomfortable to be standing up there in front of us and still others had a sort of cocky know-it-all attitude about them. i got to see how some of them interacted with my daughter, since she went along. students weren't required to come and many didn't -- but my children always did.

they have instituted this thing called a parental portal. its a web access for parents to see how their children r doing in school on a regular basis rather than waiting for progress reports and report cards. i think its a great idea. my daughter is not thrilled. mind, she has nothing to hide because her grades this year (and most of last year) have been impeccable -- unlike her freshman year. she's a pretty conscientious student (as was her brother for most of his school career). and she's mad at the school for instituting this parental portal. she thinks it invasive. ok -- maybe it is -- but unlike a lot of the parents of some of her friends at school, i care about my child and want to take an active role in stopping a problem before it becomes a real problem. that makes me an oddity of sorts -- in an uncomfortable sort of way. too bad -- its what i learned from watching my parents and its what i think constitutes good parenting. she'll just have to deal.

so now i'm off to finish off some cell phone charms and knitting stitch markers to put up on etsy that i started yesterday and then i'll get ready for the interview. wish me luck ....

new Facebook group

nothing like self-promotion but some guy on etsy said we should create a group on facebook to promote our business. so i did. you can find it here:

FRIENDS OF ANGELIC ADORNMENTS

and if u want to be my friend on facebook, just click on my name and request that -- the more the merrier i think.

blessings...

its a wonder we all survived ....

someone sent this to me and i had to pass it on -- being someone who was born in the 50's and can relate to almost all of this!
***************************************
To Those of You Born 1930 - 1979

At the end of this is a quote of the month by Jay Leno. If you don't read anything else, please
read what he said.

TO ALL THE KIDS WHO SURVIVED THE 1930's, 40's, 50's, 60's and 70's!!

First, we survived being born to mothers who smoked and/or drank while they were pregnant.
They took aspirin, ate blue cheese dressing, tuna from a can and didn't get tested for diabetes.
Then after that trauma, we were put to sleep on our tummies in baby cribs covered with bright colored lead-base paints.
We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, locks on doors or cabinets and when we rode our bikes, we had baseball caps not helmets on our heads.
As infants & children, we would ride in cars with no car seats, no booster seats, no seat belts, no air bags, bald tires and sometimes no brakes.
Riding in the back of a pick- up truck on a warm day was always a special treat.
We drank water from the garden hose and not from a bottle.
We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle and no one actually died from this.
We ate cupcakes, white bread, real butter and bacon. We drank Kool-Aid made with real white sugar. And, we weren't overweight. WHY?
Because we were always outside playing...that's why!
We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the streetlights came on.
No one was able to reach us all day. And, we were O.K.
We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and then ride them down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. After running into the bushes a few times,we learned to solve the problem.
We did not have Playstations, Nintendo's and X-boxes. There were no video games, no 150 channels on cable, no video movies or DVD's, no surround-sound or CD's, no cell phones, no personal computers, no Internet and no chat rooms.
WE HAD FRIENDS and we went outside and found them!
We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth and there were no lawsuits from these accidents.
We ate worms and mud pies made from dirt, and the worms did not live in us forever.
We were given BB guns for our 10th birthdays, made up games with sticks and tennis balls and, although we were told it would happen, we did not put out very many eyes.
We rode bikes or walked to a friend's house and knocked on the door or rang the bell, or just walked in and talked to them.
Little League had tryouts and not everyone made the team. Those who didn't had to learn to deal with disappointment.
Imagine that!!
The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law was unheard of. They actually sided with the law!
These generations have produced some of the best risk-takers, problem solvers and inventors ever.
The past 50 years have been an explosion of innovation and new ideas.
We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned how to deal with it all.
If YOU are one of them? CONGRATULATIONS!
You might want to share this with others who have had the luck to grow up as kids, before the lawyers and the government regulated so much of our lives for our own good.
While you are at it, forward it to your kids so they will know how brave and lucky their parents were.
Kind of makes you want to run through the house with scissors, doesn't it ?
~

The quote of the month is by Jay Leno:
'With hurricanes, tornados, fires out of control, mud slides, flooding, severe thunderstorms tearing up the country from one end to another, and with the threat of bird flu and terrorist attacks, are we sure this is a good time to take God out of the Pledge of Allegiance?'

For those that prefer to think that God is not watching over us...go ahead and delete this.
For the rest of us...pass this on.

another day ....

so yesterday i got a call from this employment agency that i signed up with a couple of weeks ago. i had to take an online typing test (which i'm sure i didn't do nearly as well as i should have) and a grammar/spelling test (which i probably did well on). at any rate, they had called me last week to tell me about this job and its parameters and since it met most of my criteria (ie, part time, secretarial/receptionist, using skills i know well with computer programs i know well, decent pay, close by), i said i was interested in being submitted for the job. so yesterday they called me to say that the ppl would like to interview me and could i come on thurs. at 10.

i was scheduled to go to another employment agency on thurs. at 8:30 to sign up with them. they said that the process would take about 2 hours. in thinking about how this wasn't going to work, i made a decision -- to go for the job interview and postpone the sign up process with the other agency. i mean, if i got the job, it would be a moot point to be signed up with another agency anyhow. so i called the second agency and ask them to reschedule me. straight forward enough? not really -- turns out they had me down for 12:30 as the appt. time even though the woman had written 8:30 on my card. i just shook my head as i got off the phone because if i had followed through with the time on the card, i would have been 4 hours early for my appt. and i think i'm mixed up....

in the meantime, i've been reading with interest about the issues that etsy has been having regarding their search engine and the new CTO they hired to fix them. whether the issues will be ironed out before the holiday shopping begins or not is to be seen. but a friend of mine recently went to a jewelry party where the woman made OOAK polymer clay necklaces and then sold them for $25 each (or buy three and get one free). my friend bought 6 of them. she suggested i get a friend to host a jewelry party for me. its not that i'm new to this because i did this when i was making doll clothes. its that i'm not sure how this will work for me as many of my items r priced differently according to the cost of the materials used. since she's using all polymer clay in each necklace, their production cost must be relatively the same. whereas, i'm using different beads made from varying materials at varying costs. idk -- i think its something i'm going to have to give a good deal of thought to. someone else who has an etsy account wrote a blog about how to creatively promote ur business and suggested creating a group at facebook for "followers". i might do that but it seems like just one more thing to manage.

oh well, i'm sure papa god will show me a clear path for this if he wants me to continue doing it.

getting turned down

so, i just got an email from project wonderful saying that my site doesn't meet their criteria for having an ad space -- that the reason it was turned down was because there wasn't enough content here. i guess because i don't write a blog a day and have 30 blogs, i don't qualify.

lately, this has been the story of my life. i don't qualify for jobs i used to be a shoe-in for and now i don't even qualify for consideration for a stupid blog ad. it kind of makes u wonder, what, if anything, i'm qualified for. like -- am i worth anything??

the other day my daughter and i were having a discussion and i explained to her that after i stopped being a secretary and working in the real world to have children, i concentrated my life around being a wife and a mom. now that i'm no longer a wife (long story), and one of my children is grown (20) and the other will soon be going off to college (16), i feel like have no useful purpose in this world. its ridiculous, but its basically the way things have turned for me.

so, in an effort to keep my finances above water (so to speak), i decided to start looking for a real job in the real world, only to discover that the secretarial work i used to do is no longer something that is needed -- that's its much more extensive and guess what, i'm not qualified. don't think that wasn't a real shocker. because i've kept up all my typing and computer skills. one would think i could get a job. but that doesn't seem to be the case, so here i sit.

and evidently making jewelry doesn't count as a real job and evidently i'm not very good at that either because even though tons of ppl say they love my designs and the prices r good, nobody is buying anything. so yeah.... feeling just a little unneeded right now.... something has got to turn around soon.

tree of life

Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life. Proverbs 13:11-13


last night i watched Danny Silk from Bethel on their new live streaming webcast (go to www.ibethel.tv/onair for schedule of next webcast). he talked about dreams and started out by quoting the above scripture. this scripture is ingrained in my head ever since Sarah Morgan quoted it two years or so ago at a service i went to. i can read something several times over and not have it stick until someone else points it out. at any rate, ever since Sarah quoted it, its been in my head that i'm a lot of the first part of the verse (heart sick) and not much of the last part (longing fulfilled), and that it leaves me in this place of quiet discontent ALL THE TIME. its really annoying.

one of the things Danny suggested we do is write down our dreams so we can keep our focus on them. i've never done that. but i'm going to start.

at any rate, (i tend to say that a lot btw), one of my dreams since i was a child was to write -- to be a writer -- to write the "great american novel" so to speak. one could make the case that i do write (blogs), that i have been a writer (of a small column in a small paper), and that the "great american novel" is still kicking around somewhere in my head waiting to come out. but that is not quite how i pictured it would be. and maybe that's more where the discontent lies. there r lots of things i want to do -- dreams i have of doing, that weren't there a couple of years ago that r also messing me up now.

so here's the thing, this church that Papa God told me to leave is having a writers workshop -- i mean its like it was meant for me because now that i have Papa in my life, most of what i write about revolves around my relationship with him and his people. i'm still on the mailing list (email and snail mail) of this church so i've known for a little while that it was coming up because it was tagged on the ends of all the emails. i've tried to ignore it -- but it taunts me terribly. last week i got a card in the mail about the workshop and i'm like -- ok papa, i've tried to ignore this, but u know its making me heart sick not to be able to go to this. silence...

ok i admit that sometimes i don't listen so well. and i admit that sometimes i get things mixed up (ok that happens a lot). and sometimes i'm stubborn and close my eyes and ears so that i don't have to see or hear what i'm being told or shown because i know its gonna be uncomfortable and who likes uncomfortable. and sometimes papa is silent for a reason. i guess this is one of them. i think its a case of me being tested -- my integrity -- to see if i'll go for the bait even though i'm not supposed to be there.

so last night i'm talking to a friend of mine who still goes to this church. she was at the church last night to see a preacher (female) from Wales whom i adore. i had thought earlier in the day that i would go as well. certainly it would be ok just this once. but then things started to unravel late in the day and we ended up not going. at any rate, my friend was telling me about what the preacher had said and then she said to me, "if papa tells u its ok to come back, will u come back". it was an odd question because i just assumed that papa wanted me to stay away forever -- for whatever reason. and even though its making me heart sick to be away, i had to listen to papa -- didn't i?? my reply was -- yes, but will he ever say it??

where am i going with this -- i have no clue. if u know me at all, u know that sometimes i like to work things out on paper. idk y papa took me out of there -- idk y he won't let me go back -- idk y i'm being taunted with ppl (the preacher from wales) and things (the writing workshop) that so obviously i'm not meant to have. but its stuff like this that leads to my heart sickness and this level of discontent. i'm not david -- i don't have what it takes to keep going -- or the patience -- or if we look at my age, the time. i watched that webcast last night and realized that i'm not really happy here -- here is not where i want to be -- and Sheri said it when she said that we're meant to be content and yet discontent -- always wanting the more with papa.

i'm not a randy pausch who can look at his dream list after being diagnosed with a rare form of incurable cancer and say, wow, look at all the things i've accomplished on this list. i'm just little old me. someone who can't quite grasp the reality of being the daughter of a king. and someone who wonders when her longing will be fulfilled so that she can be a tree of life....

creating

so i spent a good deal of time today creating. i also did laundry. but i made three necklaces and three pairs of earrings and now
my hands r incredibly sore. but i love creating and even if it crippled me up -- i'd still do it. its just such a blessing to be able to make these things. and even though my etsy store isn't doing a booming business -- i still love creating. yeah -- so that is it -- crafting is a passion. lol

as good as it gets

well, its 11:12pm and i've just gotten the blog to a certain level that i can "tolerate". there r still little rounded border things that i need to figure out how to get rid of, but for now i'm going to bed. my arm hurts, my head hurts, and i've given myself a good case of indigestion working all this time on it. and i have nothing else done. my plan for the day was to do laundry and work on an estimate and hopefully feeling productive. instead, i've allowed this blog to occupy all my time. this is not good. so, i'm fasting from mucking around with this blog for the weekend. we'll see how long i can stay away .... lord help me!
if u read my blog -- please become a follower and tell ur friends to become followers too.... yeah -- i'm begging. lol

brick wall

ok -- this is symbolic of where i am right now in revamping my blog -- i've hit a brick wall.
guess i might as well stay here for the duration until i can figure out how to unstick myself from the wall.....

messy blog

Sometimes i feel like a complete and total ding dong. that there is nothing i know how to do.

well, its not entirely true -- because i know lots -- just that when i'm trying to do -- say -- something like change the background or the layout of my blog and i can't easily accomplish it -- i am left feeling like a ding dong.

so i mucked around this morning for the better part of two hours trying to get some sort of decent layout/background and all i succeeded in doing was to make things a mess. so -- forgive the mess -- it will be, i promise -- temporary.

the thing is that i was once a web designer -- ok -- not in a big official way -- but about 12 or 14 years ago when i had my doll sewing business i was a beta tester for "normal" ppl to put up a website with this small co-operative internet provider. and i was so proud coz i had my HTML Bible and i knew some code (enough to get me in trouble mostly). i had fun and thought i was quite accomplished to be able to do this.

but that was then and things seemed simpler to me to do -- and now -- not so much!! lol

so what did i do this morning. well first i googled blog backgrounds -- seemed like a good choice of words to search. a bunch of sites came up and i visited them and some were hard to navigate and some didn't have anything that was appealing and some did and so i messed around with trying to copy the code and in some cases i couldn't do that. and long story short -- i basically gave up -- for now. so, u'll just have to wait and see what happens in the future. because i assure u -- it will not stay like this for long -- i won't allow it -- i can't stand it -- its too sterile and icky.

so bear with me and come back often to see what i've done... and if i haven't done anything -- either i wasn't able to do what i wanted yet or i need prodding -- so feel free to prod....

Interview with an Artisan - Jennifer Doyle

This is the first of what I hope to be several interviews with other artisans who sell their wares on Etsy.com, in an effort to help promote these wonderful crafters and their art. Jennifer Doyle is the first person I interviewed -- please get to know Jennifer and be sure to visit her websites and etsy shop.

ME:  What is the name of your etsy shop and what do you sell?
JEN: The name of my Etsy is www.Northstarjewellery.etsy.com and I sell handcrafted jewellery made with a wide range of materials such as freshwater pearls, semi precious gemstones, glass and crystal. I specialise in custom bridal jewellery.

ME:  Where are you located?
JEN: I am located in County Donegal in Ireland.

ME:  If you have a website or a blog outside of Etsy, what is the url?
JEN: I have a website and also a blog;
www.doylejewellerydesign.com
www.doylejewellerydesign.blogspot.com
ME:  Do you have your items in any shops?
JEN: I will be putting some of my jewellery on display and for sale in a local bridal boutique in two weeks time so this is a very exciting time for me!

ME:  How did you get started in your craft/art and how long have you been doing it?
JEN: I have always been very creative and have been painting and drawing since I could hold a pencil, and I got into jewellery making 4 years ago when pregnant with my daughter. I got hit with that whole nesting thing but one bag of strange knitted shapes later, I realised that I was never going to be a knitter lol! so I turned my attentions to the fascinating world of beads and jewellery making.

ME:  Are you inspired by anyone or anything when you are creating?
JEN: I am inspired by so many things, nature, the words of a song... the need to create, the world has much to offer in the way of inspiration

ME:  Do you listen to music when you work and if so what kind?
JEN: All the time! and I like everything from heavy metal, to classical to old 50's classics, it depends on my mood.

ME:  Where do you shop for your supplies?  Do you have a particular design in mind when you are shopping or do you pick randomly things you like and then design with them once you're home?
JEN: Unfortunately I have to go outside Ireland for my supplies because what is available here is very limited and quite expensive. I don't always have a design in mind when I go shopping for my supplies, unless I have a custom bridal order. Otherwise I shop by colour and instinct!

ME:  What is your most favorite thing about your craft?  What is your least favorite?
JEN: My favourite thing about my craft is the absolutely endless techniques available to learn, I love to push at the boundaries of my skills to see where something new will take me, and I love being my own boss.
My least favourite thing.. well I don't really have one except that I have to go outsource all my materials.

ME:  If you had to start all over again, is there anything you would do differently?
JEN: Not really, but I would try to be better prepared for the sheer amount of hard work involved in promoting your own business, and trying to juggle your personal life more easily with the business side of things

ME:  Where do you see yourself and your business 10 years from now?
JEN: Hopefully running a lot more smoothly with a mostly regular salary!

ME:  Describe your workspace?  Is there anything you would like to change about it?
JEN: My workspace is a 9x12 foot room just off the kitchen that I have taken over to use as my studio. One corner houses my office space, computer, printer, camera etc and also big shelves of my book collection. The rest of the room has a work table on which sits my cd player and whatever I happen to be working on at the time, and various different storage units for all my jewellery making and art work. The only thing I would change about it would be to make it bigger! I never have enough space..

ME:  Describe a moment that touched you as an artist when either displaying or selling your art.
JEN: Well I have quite a few of those but I guess one of them would be seeing my jewellery on a bride for the first time, another would be when I sold out a jewellery party and impressed a group of women enough that they now have me do a jewellery party for them twice a year- happy days.. I guess that moment when someones eyes light up when they try on a pice of jewellery you have just made for them and they really like it- that always gets me!

ME:  What advice would you give to someone thinking about starting their own crafting business?
JEN: I would say that the world of self employment and crafting is not an easy one, and you have to be prepared to work really hard to get where you want to go. Things will only happen if you put in the time and the effort. You must also believe in yourself and keep up your faith in what you do. But it is a very satisfying career for me, I love what I do completely, and how many people do you know who can say that and mean it?

back in time

so, it used to be that i went to this church that had their services on sunday evenings. we would have a potluck supper before hand and then worship and then have either what they called "cafe night" -- which was sort of a free for all -- or a guest speaker. i just recently stopped going to this church. but i used to make food for the potluck. it used to be beef stew or lasagna and then it was applesauce and then back to beef stew. sometimes i didn't cook it all. but ppl started to depend on me bringing either the stew or the applesauce and would whine if i didn't.

truth was, it was expensive and my job was only paying me $100 a week, and it was a lot of work. but when i started doing the stew and the applesauce, it was about two years ago. my daughter and her then boyfriend would help me to cut up the veggies or peel and chop apples on the weekends that she was with me. it was a lot of fun because we would joke around and laugh and talk and it made it go really fast. we just had a lot of fun. on the weekends she wasn't with me, it wasn't as much fun -- i would do it by myself the night before, but there was no one to joke around or laugh with.

they broke up -- long story -- and he went off to college in a state 3,000 miles away and still my daughter and i would try to make the food together on the weekends i had her -- but it wasn't the same. it was -- i think -- a reminder to her of the good times they had had together and now that he wasn't around it was hard for her to enjoy doing it. i admit -- it wasn't as much fun because he wasn't there. he was in some ways -- a real part of the family then, and now that he wasn't there, it was like a missing piece of the puzzle.

after it was apparent that cooking was a difficult thing to accomplish, i started buying a carrot cake at the local grocery store and taking that. it wasn't appreciated as much, and i understand y -- but i knew to keep the peace in my home, i needed to stop cooking for the potlucks.

there r a lot of things i miss and sometimes i get really nostalgic for them. time spent cooking for potlucks is one of them. it wasn't the cutting up and peeling and putting things together that i loved -- i actually despise that part -- but it was the time spent laughing and talking and communing with others. i know that's hard for some ppl to understand, but until u've done it -- don't knock it.

it reminds me a lot of growing up and my mom's kitchen. sometimes i would help her -- but most of the time she wanted to do it herself -- but not alone. she would have us sit at the kitchen counter and talk to her while she cooked. it was a great bonding time.

i wish i could get past the point of wanting things to be the way they were. i mean it wasn't a great time in a lot of ways, but on the other hand i can look back on it now and see all the wonderful things that did happen during that time. and maybe that's y it would be nice to be there again. there is also a part of me that would like what i used to call a do-over -- so that i could go back and do over some of the things i handled so badly then -- an opportunity to fix it and make it right. i know that's not possible, but it doesn't stop me from wanting it....

waiting

But blessed is the man who trusts in the Lord, whose confidence is in him. He will be like a tree planted by the water that sends out its roots by the stream. It does not fear when heat comes; its leaves are always green. It has no worries in a year of drought, and never fails to bear fruit. Jeremiah 17:7-9


i'm in a season of drought right now. i am not sure what papa god wants for me. i know what he didn't want -- he made that plain enough -- but what he wants isn't clear. so i am waiting.

i've never been a very patient person. the waiting is really hard. especially when there is no money coming in, the sales rn't happening in my little business i started, when jobs i used to have seem like something i can't do any more because i've fallen so far behind the times. its times like this that really test me, test my faith... but maybe that's the plan -- to see how long i will hang in there.

one day a while ago, i went to church and someone i barely know came up to me and hugged me and said, "ur like job. u hang in there even though everything is crashing down around u". but i'm not job. and sometimes i find it hard to "hang in there". sometimes i just want to lay down and stop the world, stop the craziness, stop the pain. i don't -- i never would. its usually at those times that i realize that papa is holding me. it may not feel like that is what is happening, but that is exactly what is happening.

someone i was chatting with online yesterday told me about a dream that papa gave them -- a place he took them to in their sleep. i found myself jealous that this happens to others and never to me. lately, i've found myself to be jealous of a lot of other ppl and the things they get to do with papa that i don't get to do. the places that papa takes them to grow spiritually, that i don't get to go to. maybe i'm not supposed to be in those places -- but i have a desire in my heart to go there. so the jealousy filters in when i find out that others have gotten to go there. what kind of christian does that make me -- to be jealous of another's time with papa.

i've found myself being nostalgic about stuff and missing things from the past and wondering what would have happened if .... its dumb i know. kicking myself in the butt for this or that decision that turned things in a bad direction. what ifs r never productive and almost always end with feelings of regret. i have a lot of them.

i have faith that papa will bring me through this drought. its just really hard being in the desert and not seeing an oasis on the horizon anywhere. i know i'm not the only person who has these desert times. i know in some respects i have it better than most and really have nothing to complain about. and i know that papa loves me and wants only the best for me, so i try to be patient and trust in his timing. that doesn't mean that while i'm waiting i won't suffer pain, regret, sorrow....

in the meantime i'm just going to keep playing the song "everlasting god"....

ducking

ok, i'm feeling tender right now. sometimes i get like this -- where everything hits me as condemnation and judgement and makes me wonder y i'm still here -- y papa doesn't just take me home because i'm just friggin miserable here. and right now is one of those times.

i'm looking for a job. before i had my children, i was an administrative secretary -- top of my game. an expert typist and did so well in one place of business that when i left the area and came back two years later, they rehired me because they never filled my vacancy. i felt good about myself because i had a profession in which i was good. something i was good at doing.

but i wanted desperately to be a mom. and i wanted to stay home with my babies and raise them myself and not give them over to someone else who didn't have my values or morals to raise. and so that's what i did. and now here i am 20 years later -- not able to get a job as a secretary because i don't have training in this or that new computer program. don't get me wrong -- i have kept up with my typing skills and my writing -- i am proficient on both Macs and PCs and could type up any manuscript quick as a whip. but i don't understand powerpoint, and i'm not proficient on excel and some of the programs that they want u to be able to use now, i haven't even heard of so i haven't got a clue what they might be. so yeah, now i feel like a dinosaur in the middle of jet planes.

yet, i'm trying to keep my chin up and faith in papa -- that he has just the right job out there for me, even though i don't have enough money to go get milk or bread or put gas in my car. and i've always been an encourager and i try to encourage others when i know they r struggling to. so i say something and then i get condemned and judged about what i've said that i should go to africa and then i'd know what real poverty is like, and that bagging groceries in a store isn't something to be ashamed of (i never said it was -- i just know i can't make ends meet on that salary and y should i have to when i could make twice as much as a secretary and get myself out of this financial hole i've dug).

ppl haven't walked in my shoes -- don't know my story for the most part -- and then feel its ok to shut me down with their words. what they don't realize is that its taken me a long time to get back to a place of feeling ok (notice i didn't say great) about myself from an emotionally abusive marriage that ended in divorce after 22 years. just throw something at me in a verbal or emotional way and i go back into the closet. and that's where i am -- in the closet.

this is gonna be so hard for me if i don't let papa guide me.