Monday, November 10, 2008

slipping through my fingers

i hate mondays -- especially the mondays after i've had my daughter for the weekend because i know she's going to be going to her dad's almost as soon as she gets home from school. yes, i'm firmly attached to my daughter. i readily admit that when she goes off to college i'll be an emotional mess, unless papa finds something else for me to do.

my problem has always been that i put my heart and soul into my kids (well, first it was my marriage and we see how well that ended). and of course, when i got divorced one of my children decided to live with their dad -- and i rarely saw him. even when he was supposed to be here for dinner or a weekend, he wasn't. it was really hard. then he went off to college and i had an even harder time.

my daughter was dating at that point and i could see her slipping through my fingers and it reminded me of that ABBA song.... but at some point in the last two years i have come to realize that once she's off to college, i'll have no life -- well, none that really counts for anything. lately, i've had a feeling that i should go when she leaves for college, but when i talk about it, it upsets her. yesterday we talked about it and her main objection is how will she visit me if i'm so far away, what will she do for holidays -- split her time between her father and me?

idk what to think anymore -- i'm so confused and sometimes scared about what life will be like without my children to mother. i'm already learning what that's like because of her brother and in some respects, when she goes to her dad's its a reminder of what it will feel like. i don't suppose that dads ever go through this sort of identity crisis. their identities rn't wrapped up in being fathers to children -- its usually wrapped up in what they do for a living...

at church yesterday i was holding a baby and someone said something to me about looking very comfortable and i said i would take a dozen babies any day... that's an exaggeration, but it reflects how much i've loved being a mom and loving my kids... that i would do it and do it and do it, all over again -- until i was too old to cradle a baby or chase after a toddler. and without that it makes me wonder who i am -- where do i belong and what is my place in the world. i know papa has a plan for me -- i just don't know what that is and sometimes the not knowing leaves me fragile and a bit scared.

i would never not have a place in my life for my children. its unthinkable. but how can i stay here when they won't be here... idk... who knew when i said i wanted to have the same kind of relationship with my children that my mom and i had that letting go would be so hard ...

Slipping Through My Fingers Video

oh and i wanted to insert this video so u could just click on it and watch it -- but evidently my html knowledge isn't strong enough to allow me to do that ....

1 comment:

Deer Mountain Creations said...

Hey my dearest :) I was wondering what's been going on with you lately; you're awfully quiet!
I see now that you're feeling down and I wished there was something I could do to help. You know what I am going thru on the same subject with my son, but he's not so far away as you're daughter will be, which helps a LOT!
As soon as I started reading your post I thought, "you can come live with me and we'll have a great time being old grannies together!" lol I know, I know... but I also thought about something else.
I've wanted to be a foster parent for so long, but hubby won't let me - says we don't have room etc... But there are so many kids out there that could use some of the love you have to give! There's adoption too, but one of the opportunities that came to me last year was a chance to be a host family for our school. It would've been so cool, but again, my dh said flat out "no". The only hold back I could ever see in any of these was that you, again, have to let them go, but what great experiences you could have - and what great experiences THEY could have in being with you; a person so loving, caring, faithful... Maybe God would smile on you for such a thing as sharing what he's given you so bountifully?
Just a thought =0)
Have you received the hearts yet? If so, you like?? I hope so!
{{{hugs}}} and love,