Tuesday, November 25, 2008

get out of the boat

on sunday a friend came up to me at the end of the service at church and announced that papa told him to tell me that i'm supposed to "get out of the boat". i told him to shut up. its not that i don't appreciate the message -- its that i hate the vagueness of it. later he told me that i was supposed to read Matthew 14 -- the part where jesus -- who is walking on the water -- asks peter to come to him and basically tells him not to be afraid and to keep his eye on jesus. but for me -- this word, seems vague and its a tad annoying and irritating when what i'd rather have is solid answers. it would be better for someone to say, "papa says get out of the boat and go do such and thus." but that NEVER happens.

this is just one of the myriad of reasons why i started to hate prophets speaking over me and just one reason i stopped going up for a word during church for a long time. there is so much left open for interpretation and yeah, here it comes, mistakes to be made in the vagueness of it all. even when i hear for myself i have to wonder, is that really god and am i really interpreting it correctly. i questioned (and still do) myself all the time. and after revisiting my old church, it became clear to me why papa had me leave there -- because others were questioning me too -- actually others just felt i wasn't hearing from papa at all -- so he had to get me out of there so that he could speak to me clearly and not have me questioning or have others questioning. because when others questioned, it convinced me that i wasn't -- and he needed me to be convinced that i was.

so sunday evening, monday throughout the day and even already this morning, i keep hearing all these "messages" about not fearing. i didn't think i was -- but maybe i am. i thought i was already out of the boat -- not walking on the water -- but certainly keeping my eye on papa. and maybe he's just reminding me to keep doing that. idk maybe the worst isn't the now, but is left to come and i just need to focus on papa during this time -- maybe its a warning. maybe its an instruction to go and do -- and i'm missing it. see there is just too much room there to make a mistake on what i'm supposed to do with this "word".

i appreciate this friend a lot. sometimes it seems we're both at the same place -- we're not because he's so much farther ahead in the spiritual arena than i am -- but there is some commonality there that we can reach into and communicate about (fears, frustrations, etc.). and i feel really badly that i told him to shut up -- he doesn't understand how i take these "words". i apologized, but it doesn't stop me from feeling badly about it all. and instead of feeling good about getting a word from papa through someone else, i'm left wishing i didn't have to think about any of it because this is when i could (have) drive myself crazy just thinking about all the "what if's" that go along with it -- all the mistakes i could make trying to interpret it -- ugh!!

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