Thursday, September 25, 2008

sticking to what i know ....

so today i made a decision -- well, actually, i made the decision yesterday -- but today i followed through on it. i declined the job offer that was made the other day (the job with the low pay) and i'm stepping out in faith that going back to my roots as a secretary is what papa wants me to do. i'm not going to stop doing my crafts -- because i love doing them -- and ppl have bought my pieces here -- even if they rn't buying them on esty. i'm going to look for other outlets for my pieces.

but i went out and bought myself an interview outfit tonight -- and tomorrow i'm going to the local employment office to interview with them. i spent most of this afternoon putting my resume online and applying for a part time clerical position at the local hospital. idk where any of this will lead. i need the money now -- i don't have two nickels to rub together. but i can make more money working as a secretary than i can in retail and i know that even though it might mean working full time and not having as much time for my 16 yo daughter during a time when i feel she needs me the most, i know that papa will make a way for this to work for me.

things in my life have not been easy -- i've made some really terrible decisions that have not only messed up my life, but my children's as well. sometimes its hard to look back and see all that. but papa has been very faithful, his mercies r new every day -- and i'm so grateful for that. i've made some really wonderful friends -- brothers and sisters in christ -- the last three years and its meant so much to be in relationship with them while coming closer to papa as well. even though i don't have two nickels to rub together -- i'm very very blessed.

so this is -- sticking to what i know!

Wednesday, September 24, 2008


two augusts ago, during worship, the lord gave me a message for my daughter and her soon to be ex-boyfriend from lamentations. the boyfriend refused to take the message because #1 he wasn't in the mood for anything, and #2 he figured it was from me and not papa god because i'm "the only person he knows who's ever read lamentations -- nobody reads lamentations".

i thought that can't be that i'm the only person who's ever read lamentations. i mean -- come on -- its part of the bible. surely religious folks have read this book in the bible. ok, i admit that up until the summer before all this, i hadn't read lamentations either. i mean, frankly, the thought of reading a book with such a depressing name seemed kind of silly.

well, the chapter and verses i was given by papa to give to these two youngsters was from lam. 3:22-33. i remember it well -- its emblazoned in my brain, like some sort of banner.

so last night i did something really stupid. i took my bible to bed with me (my new little unmarked in any way coz its still so new travel bible) and in the dark, i opened the book and laid my finger on a place -- not knowing what it was. i was looking for an answer to a question about direction and earlier in the day papa had told me to "stick to what i know". i didn't know what that meant in the whole grand scheme of things. it was unsettling knowing i was going to have to come up with an answer by thurs., when papa wasn't giving me (or i wasn't receiving) clear direction. i'd heard that ppl often did this flip through the bible and lay a finger on a passage to take that as a "sign" from papa. it seems silly, but in a moment of desperation, one will try just about anything.

so after laying my finger in the bible, i switched on my little camping light (ok, so sue me, i keep a little camping light near my bed for reading and just in case the electricity ever goes out). when i looked where i'd opened to, it was none other than lamentations 3.

well, i thought that was weird, and so i read through lamentations again and realized that its not so weird because lamentations 3:22-26 says"through the lord's mercies we r not consumed. because his compassions fail not. they r new every morning. great is Your faithfulness. 'the lord is my portion', says my soul. 'therefore i hope in him!" the lord is good to those who wait for him. to the soul who seeks him. it is good that one should hope and wait quietly."

so what am i to make of this -- what has this to say for me -- that my portion is in the lord. i have hope in him and that those mercies his gives so freely r renewed every day. that i should wait for him. so now i'm off to listen to some worship music and meditate with my papa and see what he has for me.

btw, i don't recommend the flipping through the bible finger thing as a true answer to prayer. but i do think that sometimes its opens the door or window to see him a little more clearly.

Tuesday, September 23, 2008

now what?????

ok, so i went for the interview and the job is mine if i want it -- but when i came home and asked papa god what i should do i heard "stick to what u know". so what does that mean -- because on the one hand i know nothing and on the other hand i know lots.

the pay isn't great, and i'd need to buy a new wardrobe (which i really don't have the money for). so what should i do. papa really needs to make it clearer because in my spirit, i came away feeling uneasy. but that doesn't necessarily mean i shouldn't take the job -- does it. i really do need to make more money than what was offered. but do i not take the job and take a chance that there is another job out there for me with better pay??? idk

i'm more confused now than i was before .....

job interview when ur sick

so i have a job interview this morning at 10:30 -- but i'm still sick. i told this to the manager of the store -- but she didn't seem to care -- she said she's around germs all the time. idk what that means, but if i had my way, i'd be staying home and resting. however, that's not how today is going to play out -- it never does. because there r dishes to be done, a child to pick up from school, and estimates to drop off. and somewhere in the midst of all that i have to find a way to put gas in my car. its not that there's no time -- its that there is no money -- but if i want to keep picking up the child from school and dropping off the estimates, i need gas in the car to do that.

so back to the job interview. i keep wondering how i can possibly present the best side of me when i feel like crap -- to put it mildly. and if she offers me the job, then what -- i can't really say oh yeah, i'll start tomorrow -- because i know that by tomorrow i still won't be any better.

but i really need the job and the income and even though this is NOT where i thought i would be in my life when i hit the age of 52 -- its where i am and i have to hold my head up and move forward. yeah ....

Monday, September 22, 2008

tired of being sick ....

i've been sick for the better part of 6 days. i hate being sick. being sick means that i don't feel like doing anything. but stuff still needs to be done -- like washing dishes and doing the laundry and cooking, and playing taxi driver. but i want to stay in bed and rest and get better. and it doesn't matter how much zinc, or vitamin c or water i throw into my body -- if i don't get to sleep, i don't get better quickly. it just doesn't happen.

i've had ppl pray over me --- and i have to admit that i do feel better and can at least function -- which is something i can't do most of the time. but i want to do more that just drag my body around -- i want to be well enough to go out and look for a job. after all, i have to pay the bills, the car needs gas, and honestly, i can't take not having an income. so yeah.... i need to get well ... now

Friday, September 5, 2008


i love being in community. notice i didn't say living in a community -- there is a difference. i live in a community, but there rn't many ppl here that i'm in community with.

recently, i had been asked to be a mediator in the community where i live. i said yes because as a friend pointed out to me, i don't know how to say no when it comes to helping fix things. being a mediator meant taking some classes to learn how to be a mediator. again, i agreed. we've had two classes. well, three if u count the one last night that i didn't go to.

so y didn't i go? well, some emotional stuff had hit me earlier in the day and i'd been crying most of the late afternoon and evening and when my daughter came to tell me (i went to bed) the guy was at the door wondering where i was for the meeting -- i just flaked and said i was too tired to go.

the truth is -- i realized a couple of weeks ago that i don't want to be a mediator. i want everybody to get along and it would be great if i could make that happen -- but the reality is that unless two ppl want to get along -- u could mediate till ur blue in the face and it wouldn't do any good.

all my life i've been the fixer -- even when i was a kid -- the youngest daughter of an alcoholic. trying to make things right. and the other day my daughter was talking about some kid at school and how he is always walking around with headphones on and i made some statement about it sounded like he was trying to block out the world. she came back with, well, i'll bring him home and u can fix him. but i don't want to fix him. i have enough trouble with my own life. i mean -- i would love to make it right for everybody -- but only god can do that -- and only if they know that they need fixing and ask god for it.

so does it make me a bad person for not wanting to do this mediation thing now??? for backing out when i said i would do it? probably. ask me if i care -- not really. the thing is that i've tried to help some of these ppl here to get along long before i was asked to be a mediator. one of the reasons i was asked was because ppl said i was "fair" and "non-judgemental". but for the better part of the last four years i've had #1 person come along and complain about all the stuff that #2 person has done and i'll say -- u should talk to her. then #2 person will come along and tell me all the stuff that #1 did to her and i'll say -- u should talk to her. do they talk?? no. would they if a mediator was present -- no. and that's the reality of it. they don't want to get along -- and so they would choose not to try and work it out even if there were someone else there to smooth things out.

basically, i can't fix my own life. its so messed up and painful -- and in reality, only daddy god can fix that. and its the same thing with this community where i live -- only daddy god can fix it. and that means praying about it and asking him to fix it -- not meddling in the affairs of two or three ppl who really don't want to get along or try to see the other person's side. my problem has always been that not only do i know what it feels like to be me, but i can put myself into other ppl's hearts and feel their pain, too. and right now i can't handle any more pain -- even if it is someone else's.

so yeah, i'm walking away because i can't make the commitment to something i don't really believe in or want to do. its not that i don't care about these ppl, because i do -- but i don't really know how i can help them in any constructive way when my own life is a mess. how can one messy person help another messy person. it just doesn't seem to make sense. so yeah ...


Thursday, September 4, 2008

My Jewelry Creations

i love making things. so learning to make jewelry was just second nature to me. now i'm hooked and i love sharing my creations with others.

Check out my jewelry creations at Esty! If u click on Sabina24 at the bottom of the photos it will take u right to my Esty shop and u can see all the creations there.


in the winter, there is this sport called curling. its all done in an ice rink with these huge polished rocks that have handles on them. ppl with brooms rush ahead of the spinning rock, after its been hurled down the ice, clearing a 'path' for the stone to go as far as it possibly can without going out of bounds. in some respects its kind of boring, but in other respects its interesting to see where the rock will end up and the path it takes after the ppl have brushed at the ice. idk who decided that hurling a huge polished rock down the ice would be fun or even make an interesting "sport" -- but its worth watching if u never have.

speaking of another kind of hurling -- this is something i do if i am ever presented with having to be in front of an "audience" speaking or performing. i've listened to a lot of religious speakers the last three years. i honestly don't know how these ppl do it -- get up in front of a bunch of (mostly) strangers and speak for 40-60 minutes. i have watched a lot of prophets come and go -- and idk how they do it either. i have a gift of discernment, but not of prophesy, so it blows my mind. i got to thinking: how do they do it, when others can't (or in my case won't when it comes to getting up in front of ppl). daddy god is amazing like that. he gifts ppl with the ability to do it. but what do u do when daddy god puts something on ur heart and asks u to share it and ur not someone who can get up there and do it -- like me?

about a year ago daddy god put something on my heart that i was supposed to "give" to one of the two churches i attend. but i have this horrible fear of speaking in front of ppl. most of the time i can't even give testimony -- which is miserable for a christian to not be able to do. so i was like, daddy u can't possibly mean me -- because u know i don't have it in me to stand up there and say anything. but he pressed me until i gave in a "little" and tested the waters with some of what he had given me -- i figured i was good for about 5 minutes at best and wrote up some of it in a concise way because i wasn't about to go out there without paper in hand -- if anything, i could use the piece of paper to hide behind while i spoke. so, i ventured up there after worship and said what was on the paper -- it didn't go well, and as i walked away from the mic i heard the pastor say "now we don't want any condemnation here". i'm sure they didn't have a clue that it was from daddy and not me -- but unfortunately, what they said was enough to stop me from ever wanting to go there again -- not like i would have anyhow.

but daddy is persistent. and he kept after me and i kept digging in my heels coz basically i can be stubborn sometimes. i finally had a convo with a friend who also goes to this church and told her my plight -- do i do what daddy god wants and risk being humiliated yet again or do i not do what daddy wants and disappoint daddy?? she tried (unsuccessfully) to get me to get back up on the horse that had thrown me. but i refused. i didn't want to risk humiliating myself again (because basically, back then i really cared more about man's acceptance than god's) -- or worse yet, risk hurling my last eaten meal at the congregation. my friend finally took the bull by the horns because she felt the message was one that god wanted these ppl to hear. i handed over what i ended up writing down for her and she delivered it. unfortunately, the church was not ready for it. it actually took almost a full year for someone working in the church to give the same message -- and then a flood of messages came after that in the same vein.

although i'm pretty good at putting thoughts on paper -- i am pretty sure i won't ever be a public speaker for daddy except in the one-on-one or one-on-two circuit. i relate better to one or two ppl at a time than i do to a crowd of faces staring up at me (the thought of that just now sent shivers up my spine and made me want to hurl my breakfast). there is this song i got at soulfest 07 called lift me up. there is a line in it that goes, "standing here in the background, sometimes has its advantages". that's me. i mean, it fits me to a tee. i'd rather be standing in the background in prayer than out in front. i can dance and sing during worship -- but its at the back of the church -- where only daddy sees me. i used to get sick before every performance when i was in concert choir -- because i knew i would be out in front (i'm short so short ppl get put in the front). after i'd hurled my last meal, i would be able to get out there and sing my heart out -- but hurling was part of the "preparation" process as far as i was concerned.

so ever since then, i've wondered y daddy god wanted me to give it in the first place, when it wasn't going to be accepted, and when others would come after that could give it -- and give it much better than i ever could. i'm not the best candidate for public speaking and i'm sure he knows that. i'm assuming i have much to learn in this regard -- daddy knows better than i do. but here's something i wasn't aware of at the time -- and that i've since come to learn -- sometimes god gives us things that rn't for now or this season -- but r for later. and although i'm pretty sure that daddy wanted this message to be delivered when he gave it to me, the season for its acceptance had not yet come. so it was the tip of the proverbial iceberg -- as it were -- and god needed for it to be showing so that what was to come later would come to be accepted much quicker. in this instance, i was taught much -- that man's acceptance shouldn't stop me from doing what daddy asks, that sometimes things that r given now may not be for this season, and that in time, daddy's time -- all things will be made clear. i just need to have patience.

so what does all this have to do with curling -- well, a lot really. that rock is really heavy and moving it requires a lot of strength. clearing a path for it so that it can hit is mark is tricky because lots of variables stand in the way. that broom may not always be effective for the job, but its the only tool u have in ur hand, so u use what u have. and last but not least, in time all things reach their mark -- we just need to have patience.


Wednesday, September 3, 2008

abnormally normal

did u ever think u would be better off not knowing some of the stuff u know?? well, right now -- that's how i feel. its like there was level of "contentment" for years to just sit passively by and not say much. it wasn't really contentment -- it was sort of a comfortable uncomfortableness -- if that makes sense. but things started to change for me when i was going through my divorce. and i knew something wasn't right -- and not just from the marriage end -- but from the relationship with god end.

the last 6 months of unemployment have allowed me time to read -- and read i have. everything i could get my hands on regarding spirituality. almost all of bill johnson's and kris valloton's books, along with the shack, he loves me, so u don't want to go to church anymore, the wounded healer, and various other books. my relationship with daddy god is being redefined -- in a good way -- but its frustrating my relationships with my two churches.

currently i'm reading pagan christianity by frank viola. this book is making me angry. i suppose that might not have been the intended reaction the author expected -- but that's what its producing in me. its like when i was reading 1 and 2 kings -- i got so mad at the kings that weren't listening to what god was saying that i had to stop reading. it was that frustrating to me.

i'm not going to stop reading this book. and i've been given the companion book to read which, i've been assured, will calm me down where the anger is seething. i surely hope so. with each new chapter in this book i think to myself -- how did we get to this place of passive acceptance that this is truly the kind of "church" that daddy god wanted.

i'm just as much to blame as the next guy -- raising the pastor to some level of holiness akin to jesus -- sitting there listening every sunday -- being spoonfed and figuring that they knew better than what i was feeling in my heart because they were -- after all -- pastors -- gone to college and all that. that what i was feeling couldn't possibly be right because if it was -- wouldn't everybody be feeling it and wanting it and begging for it???

but now i go back to my original question. would it have been better to continue to be in that place of comfortable uncomfortableness and not to know what i know. to go on listening each sunday morning and thinking -- ok, this must be it, i don't really feel anything, but certainly this must be it. because now i have this knowledge -- and like someone once said -- a little knowledge can be a dangerous thing -- and here i am -- feeling still like i'm a nobody and a no-nothing (at least to the outside world -- to daddy god i know i am everything), and who would listen to the likes of me. but here's the reality -- if i don't say it -- then i'm just as big a schmuck as all of the others who knew and said nothing. and that makes it much worse.

someone who prophesied over me recently said that i don't fit into any of the boxes that ppl want to put me in -- that i tend to want to squirm out of them. hey --i wanted to be like everybody else -- i wanted to sit there and be passive and be spoonfed and feel just like everybody else and not be "abnormal". but it never felt right -- it always felt wrong and stifled and not really what daddy wanted. but i didn't think there might be something in what i was feeling -- i just figured i was being abnormal and needed to straighten up and fly right (like my father used to say).

so now i find myself in the position of knowing that its not what daddy wanted for sure (thanks frank), and feeling like others need to know this so that they can step out of their boxed religion and come to relationship with daddy -- the kind of relationship he wants. but its gonna make me unpopular and "abnormal" and gosh darn it -- i still want to be normal. whatever normal is. but its like if i don't say it -- then there is something wrong with me and if i do say it -- there is something wrong with me. in any case, i can't get the feeling i want -- which is acceptance. but then i need to stop looking to man for acceptance -- and look only to daddy god.

ok -- so here it is -- and accept it or don't -- judge me or don't -- and if u judge me -- don't tell me -- coz i really don't wanna know.

god doesn't want us to sit in passive acceptance -- he wants us to be active participants. get up -- ask a question if u don't understand -- speak a word if god gives it to u -- feel free to pray for the person next to or in front of u -- or the pastor even, lay hands on someone if daddy tells u to. do it -- its part of being in community with each other -- we're having yada -- intercourse -- whatever u want to call it -- we're in relationship with each other. take hold of that -- and know that that is what daddy wants with us as well -- relationship, yada, communication. he wants u to come to him all the time -- and tell him what is going on in ur life -- not just the bad stuff and when u need help -- but he wants u to know that he's with u always -- every day. just talk to him -- coz he's there in the room, with u.

a lot of fuss is made about having the "right words" when u talk to him or pray -- but really he doesn't care about that because he already knows what's in ur heart -- he just wants u to talk to him -- to know that he loves u more than anything else -- that ur his precious child. so just talk to him. and listen for his voice -- and it might not come in the form of a real voice -- but it might come in the form of a passage read in a book, or a conversation with a friend who offers up just what u need to hear, or the billboard u pass on the way to work, or the person in the next aisle over at the grocery store (as bill johnson says). look for his answers everywhere. and don't worry about having the right words -- because in god's eyes ur words r right because they come from ur heart -- no matter how they come out.

and if something in church bothers u -- speak up -- don't be passive about it -- speak up -- because if its heavy on ur heart, it could be that daddy put it there for a reason. and don't feel shy about praying about something that doesn't feel right to u either. stuff was happening at my morning church and god said, "stay and pray". i wasn't sure what i should be praying for -- but god gave me words.

don't let the fear of ridicule hold u back -- like it does with me -- let it out. god didn't want us to be "lead" around by one person -- he wanted us to become community -- to come to each other and give guidance and accept advice and help from each other. its not a one person doing all the work or all the teaching. its all of us teaching each other.

i used to wonder y god put someone in my life who was 30 years younger than i was but who knew so much more spiritually than i did -- who often frustrated the heck out of me -- but now i understand -- he was showing me that teaching can come from everyone -- even those younger than our selves. he was showing me that i needed to be able to see that in everyone -- not just the "elders" or the pastor. it started me on a path of searching every day for god's ways -- not man's ways -- and not to passively sit by and accept man's ways -- but to squirm out of that box and see what daddy really wanted. for that gift -- i will be eternally grateful.

so here is it -- i'm not normal -- and i don't care. i want to squirm and wiggle and be out of the box. i want to be what daddy god wants me to be and not so much what man wants. and there is so much more to being with daddy than sitting in church one day a week and listening. there is so much more to feel from daddy than anger and judgement and disappointment in our behavior -- we need to feel his love -- his great big generous overpowering love. and if ur not feeling it -- then u need to find a way to him -- keep searching, keep asking questions, keep delving deeper into what he wants. because what he really wants from us is to be in relationship with him. he wants to be ur loving daddy.... so let him....


he is holding u -- not just by ur hand -- he is holding all of u -- accept the embrace