recently, i had been asked to be a mediator in the community where i live. i said yes because as a friend pointed out to me, i don't know how to say no when it comes to helping fix things. being a mediator meant taking some classes to learn how to be a mediator. again, i agreed. we've had two classes. well, three if u count the one last night that i didn't go to.
so y didn't i go? well, some emotional stuff had hit me earlier in the day and i'd been crying most of the late afternoon and evening and when my daughter came to tell me (i went to bed) the guy was at the door wondering where i was for the meeting -- i just flaked and said i was too tired to go.
the truth is -- i realized a couple of weeks ago that i don't want to be a mediator. i want everybody to get along and it would be great if i could make that happen -- but the reality is that unless two ppl want to get along -- u could mediate till ur blue in the face and it wouldn't do any good.
all my life i've been the fixer -- even when i was a kid -- the youngest daughter of an alcoholic. trying to make things right. and the other day my daughter was talking about some kid at school and how he is always walking around with headphones on and i made some statement about it sounded like he was trying to block out the world. she came back with, well, i'll bring him home and u can fix him. but i don't want to fix him. i have enough trouble with my own life. i mean -- i would love to make it right for everybody -- but only god can do that -- and only if they know that they need fixing and ask god for it.
so does it make me a bad person for not wanting to do this mediation thing now??? for backing out when i said i would do it? probably. ask me if i care -- not really. the thing is that i've tried to help some of these ppl here to get along long before i was asked to be a mediator. one of the reasons i was asked was because ppl said i was "fair" and "non-judgemental". but for the better part of the last four years i've had #1 person come along and complain about all the stuff that #2 person has done and i'll say -- u should talk to her. then #2 person will come along and tell me all the stuff that #1 did to her and i'll say -- u should talk to her. do they talk?? no. would they if a mediator was present -- no. and that's the reality of it. they don't want to get along -- and so they would choose not to try and work it out even if there were someone else there to smooth things out.
basically, i can't fix my own life. its so messed up and painful -- and in reality, only daddy god can fix that. and its the same thing with this community where i live -- only daddy god can fix it. and that means praying about it and asking him to fix it -- not meddling in the affairs of two or three ppl who really don't want to get along or try to see the other person's side. my problem has always been that not only do i know what it feels like to be me, but i can put myself into other ppl's hearts and feel their pain, too. and right now i can't handle any more pain -- even if it is someone else's.
so yeah, i'm walking away because i can't make the commitment to something i don't really believe in or want to do. its not that i don't care about these ppl, because i do -- but i don't really know how i can help them in any constructive way when my own life is a mess. how can one messy person help another messy person. it just doesn't seem to make sense. so yeah ...