Thursday, September 4, 2008


in the winter, there is this sport called curling. its all done in an ice rink with these huge polished rocks that have handles on them. ppl with brooms rush ahead of the spinning rock, after its been hurled down the ice, clearing a 'path' for the stone to go as far as it possibly can without going out of bounds. in some respects its kind of boring, but in other respects its interesting to see where the rock will end up and the path it takes after the ppl have brushed at the ice. idk who decided that hurling a huge polished rock down the ice would be fun or even make an interesting "sport" -- but its worth watching if u never have.

speaking of another kind of hurling -- this is something i do if i am ever presented with having to be in front of an "audience" speaking or performing. i've listened to a lot of religious speakers the last three years. i honestly don't know how these ppl do it -- get up in front of a bunch of (mostly) strangers and speak for 40-60 minutes. i have watched a lot of prophets come and go -- and idk how they do it either. i have a gift of discernment, but not of prophesy, so it blows my mind. i got to thinking: how do they do it, when others can't (or in my case won't when it comes to getting up in front of ppl). daddy god is amazing like that. he gifts ppl with the ability to do it. but what do u do when daddy god puts something on ur heart and asks u to share it and ur not someone who can get up there and do it -- like me?

about a year ago daddy god put something on my heart that i was supposed to "give" to one of the two churches i attend. but i have this horrible fear of speaking in front of ppl. most of the time i can't even give testimony -- which is miserable for a christian to not be able to do. so i was like, daddy u can't possibly mean me -- because u know i don't have it in me to stand up there and say anything. but he pressed me until i gave in a "little" and tested the waters with some of what he had given me -- i figured i was good for about 5 minutes at best and wrote up some of it in a concise way because i wasn't about to go out there without paper in hand -- if anything, i could use the piece of paper to hide behind while i spoke. so, i ventured up there after worship and said what was on the paper -- it didn't go well, and as i walked away from the mic i heard the pastor say "now we don't want any condemnation here". i'm sure they didn't have a clue that it was from daddy and not me -- but unfortunately, what they said was enough to stop me from ever wanting to go there again -- not like i would have anyhow.

but daddy is persistent. and he kept after me and i kept digging in my heels coz basically i can be stubborn sometimes. i finally had a convo with a friend who also goes to this church and told her my plight -- do i do what daddy god wants and risk being humiliated yet again or do i not do what daddy wants and disappoint daddy?? she tried (unsuccessfully) to get me to get back up on the horse that had thrown me. but i refused. i didn't want to risk humiliating myself again (because basically, back then i really cared more about man's acceptance than god's) -- or worse yet, risk hurling my last eaten meal at the congregation. my friend finally took the bull by the horns because she felt the message was one that god wanted these ppl to hear. i handed over what i ended up writing down for her and she delivered it. unfortunately, the church was not ready for it. it actually took almost a full year for someone working in the church to give the same message -- and then a flood of messages came after that in the same vein.

although i'm pretty good at putting thoughts on paper -- i am pretty sure i won't ever be a public speaker for daddy except in the one-on-one or one-on-two circuit. i relate better to one or two ppl at a time than i do to a crowd of faces staring up at me (the thought of that just now sent shivers up my spine and made me want to hurl my breakfast). there is this song i got at soulfest 07 called lift me up. there is a line in it that goes, "standing here in the background, sometimes has its advantages". that's me. i mean, it fits me to a tee. i'd rather be standing in the background in prayer than out in front. i can dance and sing during worship -- but its at the back of the church -- where only daddy sees me. i used to get sick before every performance when i was in concert choir -- because i knew i would be out in front (i'm short so short ppl get put in the front). after i'd hurled my last meal, i would be able to get out there and sing my heart out -- but hurling was part of the "preparation" process as far as i was concerned.

so ever since then, i've wondered y daddy god wanted me to give it in the first place, when it wasn't going to be accepted, and when others would come after that could give it -- and give it much better than i ever could. i'm not the best candidate for public speaking and i'm sure he knows that. i'm assuming i have much to learn in this regard -- daddy knows better than i do. but here's something i wasn't aware of at the time -- and that i've since come to learn -- sometimes god gives us things that rn't for now or this season -- but r for later. and although i'm pretty sure that daddy wanted this message to be delivered when he gave it to me, the season for its acceptance had not yet come. so it was the tip of the proverbial iceberg -- as it were -- and god needed for it to be showing so that what was to come later would come to be accepted much quicker. in this instance, i was taught much -- that man's acceptance shouldn't stop me from doing what daddy asks, that sometimes things that r given now may not be for this season, and that in time, daddy's time -- all things will be made clear. i just need to have patience.

so what does all this have to do with curling -- well, a lot really. that rock is really heavy and moving it requires a lot of strength. clearing a path for it so that it can hit is mark is tricky because lots of variables stand in the way. that broom may not always be effective for the job, but its the only tool u have in ur hand, so u use what u have. and last but not least, in time all things reach their mark -- we just need to have patience.


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