ramblings ....

i did the crafts fair on sat. we didn't have as big of a turn out as i expected for all the advertising they said they had done - but nonetheless i managed to sell a few pieces, for which i'm extremely thankful. they asked me if i was coming back for the one in december (more like november) and i said sure -- its not like i have to make a lot more stuff -- i certainly have enough inventory. i did put up a few things on etsy this morning. and i'll continue to add things this week. perhaps that will generate some sales ....

its finally gotten sunny and hot here -- we've had so much rain that most of my plants have rotted away outside. i don't have a green thumb to begin with -- so this is quite upsetting. all of the spinach was "eaten" by some critter -- probably the two ground hogs that were out there -- and the one and only squash that was on the vine disappeared (probably the same critter) before it had a chance to get big enough to pick. i probably won't try this container gardening thing again -- what a waste of time and money it was.

at any rate, with the heat the apartment heats up. i decided not to the put the a/c in this year as they upped the amount per month they charge for them. that means i keep all the doors and windows closed and the blinds all pulled throughout most of the day. kind of makes me feel like we're vampires or something... i've been keeping things closed up a lot anyhow because they pulled all the siding off my building in the hopes of re-insulating, etc. but for months they haven't been able to do anything because of all the rain. now there is mold growing everywhere and i'm allergic to it -- so i've had to deal with itchy eyes and constant coughing. one would think i wasn't taking any allergy meds at all for all the issues i've had. i guess some things just can't be cured with a simple pill.

the last couple of days i've been dealing with pain in both arms. i had to go to PT last thurs. for the arm that wasn't injured in the fall. evidently, this is a common thing because we tend to favor the "bad" arm and use the good arm to excess -- plus, we're not as young as we used to be and things don't work as well and blah blah blah (this is all according to the orthopedic surgeon). i basically wanted to tell him to shut up because i'm still contending for supernatural healing. after i said that to him (not the shut up part) he said, "yeah, how's that working out for ya?" yeah, shut up ....

my neighbor told me the other night that i'm like Job in the bible. she's not the first person to tell me this and quite frankly, i really wish ppl would stop comparing me to Job. he kept his faith in papa god regardless of what the devil threw at him, or his friends said to him. he was amazing and frankly, i don't really measure up. someone this morning said that i would be happy in the lord even if the healing never came -- and they r right, but that doesn't mean that i don't expect it to come -- or that i give up hope of it coming. let's be real about this -- to say that u'll be happy even if it doesn't come is a cop out -- its like saying well, i believe that papa god will heal me and yet i don't. i expect that he will heal me -- period. duh!!! i have put all my trust and faith in him and it doesn't waiver when there is pain, i don't shake my fist at the sky and ask him y he's putting me through this -- i just trust and love him because i know he loves me. how much more simply can i put that -- the pain i feel has nothing to do with him -- the love i feel from him has everything to do with him. pain or no pain, i still love my papa god!

my daughter is back from being with her dad for the last week+. i think she's happy to be home. i'm happy to have her home, but it made me realize while she was gone, just how much i'm going to miss her when she's away at college. sooner or later i have to let go -- but i know its gonna be hard. probably for her too -- although she'll have lots of new adventures and friends to make -- so that will make the time easier for her. she says she'll call me every night, but i don't expect that and its ok if she doesn't because i know she has to move forward with her life.

still making new stuff

i'm still working on new things for the crafts show this coming saturday. i've been told that there will be 15 vendors there and that its been advertised all over. i'm hopeful that even though the economy is having issues right now that ppl will still be willing to buy things that r hand made!! wish me luck. here's some of the new items:

crafts bazaars

so i'm getting ready for a crafts bazaar on the 25th of july at a local elderly living community. i've been working really hard on making new things. here are some of them:

new things ...

new earrings i've been working on:

walking a mile ...

i've been thinking a lot lately about being transparent. its been really heavy on my heart for months now. there r several places in the bible where the idea of transparency comes forth -- although finding the word itself there, would most probably yield little if any results. especially not in the context that comes to my mind. but if u do a search for the word expose -- u will come up with quite a list of the places in the bible where someone's sin has been exposed to god or to others around them. i don't really care for the word expose because it has such a negative connotation, but i like the word transparent.

in james 5:16 it states: "Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective." later in verse 19 it states that if one should wander from the truth, another should bring him back because its saving him from death. and this is the kind of transparency that has been brought to my mind.

a couple of weeks ago at church, i was amazed because in the middle of the service a gentleman in our church (who i must admit i don't really know), got up and exposed his "sin" to everybody in the congregation. i had been thinking about transparency for a while at that point and the fact that a lot of ppl in the church wear nice neat little masks that hide what is really going on in their lives. i'd even had a discussion with another church member because i felt as if more ppl in the body could be transparent about their flaws and not feel a need to hide them, that more ppl would come to christ. and of course, i could "feel" things when i'm around certain ppl and it made it apparent to me that stuff was being hidden to keep the appearance of perfection.

now here's where it gets messy, because basically, i'm a mess -- i have been all my life and i know where i fall very short of being what it is that papa god would like to see of me. i also know that only by his grace and the gift given of his son on the cross am i cleansed. that doesn't mean i'm free to sin again -- it means that if i fall, papa god still loves me, picks me up, dusts me off and sends me on my way again. its that simple. and i don't try to hide what is going on in my life -- i did that for 22 years and the only thing it got me was divorced and miserable.

when i was getting ready to file for divorce i went to my bible study group and said, "i think u all need to know that i'm filing for divorce" -- they sat there stunned -- not one of them knowing (except for the pastor) that that was even in the cards. and y -- because in the three years i'd been going there i hadn't once shared that i was having problems -- good christians rn't supposed to have marital problems -- r they?

well, here's a reality check -- good christians do have marital issues -- they probably have more than most because they feel they need to "hide" it and therefore don't seek out help in the form of counseling or prayer. but when thinking about transparency, i realize that if more ppl in the body would expose their "issues" it might be a gateway for those who see their imperfections as something they need to hide to bring them out in the open where others can pray for them or lead them to help. how can someone be praying for another when they don't know that the other even needs prayer?

of course, part of the problem here is that ppl r afraid to expose their sin for fear of being judged or ousted from the body. and that fear is justified in my view because christians can be extremely judgmental and self-righteous ppl. its unfortunate, because when i see ppl come into the church off the street and then compare themselves with these same said judgmental and self-righteous types, they fall very short and feel unworthy to even be in a house of god.

a few years ago, i counted myself among those who were not worthy to be there. i could see all my flaws -- they were so glaring -- and felt that god would never accept me as i was, that i wasn't worthy to be there and the feeling of judgment was high. it would have been easy to walk away from it and from god, but papa is amazing and he kept pulling me back and attaching ppl to me to pull me back. every time i would get close to that edge of the abyss, they would be there to remind me that i was the daughter of a king and there was nothing i could do to earn papa's love -- because it was a gift freely given. and for me, learning this has opened up my life for everybody to see my "ick", a chance for me to let down my mask and let others see my struggles so that they will know they r not alone, but that they r still immeasurably loved by papa god, regardless.

i worry about those who come to church and see all these "blameless" and "perfect" ppl and feel unworthy to be there. i know how it feels to be judged and found wanting and thinking i should just walk away now because i'll never "measure up" to that appearance of perfection (false perfection) that i see before me. and how can that be in any way comforting to someone who doesn't know about papa's unconditional agape love -- who sees us as his children and loves us through our flaws?

after this man at church revealed this, i went up to him and thanked him for being so open and willing to share -- because i had it on my heart that one of the great flaws of the church was that it wasn't willing to be transparent -- that it felt this need to set itself apart as something perfect or better than the rest of the population. we've been warned in romans 12 to not be proud but be willing to associate with all ppl and to not be conceited. to not think more highly of ourselves than we ought.

if we r to live in harmony with one another, to love and pray for each other, than we need to be "real" with each other -- flaws and all. as uncomfortable as that might make u, how can u be anything less than that. we're to help others come to know papa's love and that means understanding that papa loves us 'warts and all'. and that love is for everyone -- not just a few "elite" ppl who pretend "perfection".

the native americans have a saying about getting to know someone by walking a mile in their moccasins. its a great gift -- walking around in someone's life and seeing what they have gone through, what they r going through, beginning to understand them more and more, knowing how u can help them, pray for them -- and them doing the same for u. that can only happen when we share with each other, when we r open and transparent with one another. peaceful existence comes from knowing all the ick about someone and still loving them -- not putting urself above them or wishing to control or manipulate them -- but praying for them and guiding them -- its a back and forth exchange.

try being transparent -- christian or not -- and see how it opens up ur life.... u might discover than ur not alone in some of what ur going through -- that someone else has gone through that and come out the other side (encouraging) or has some solid advice for what they have been through that can guide u in ur struggle. its an amazingly freeing feeling ....

new earrings ....

been working on new earrings -- here r some of the results -- some of which r already sold...

minute details -- big picture

i admire ppl who know their bible history backwards and forwards -- who understand every aspect of what is written there and the time frame; ppl who can quote u scripture (book and verse) at the drop of a hat. frankly, most of the time i'm just lost and i tend to read the bible as if its a good story (some books better than others, obviously).

yesterday i had lunch with some friends. before we sat down we started talking about the current book of the bible that our church is reading (ezekiel). the woman who had graciously opened her home to us was talking about trying to figure out where this story falls in the grand scope of things (because if ur not aware, the books in the bible are not arranged chronologically). she was showing us all sorts of information and pulled out about 6 bibles. it was really fascinating. but see, she really studies the scripture and gets the whole picture. whereas, i never was very good at history and honestly, does it really matter what came first, the chicken or the egg.

to some ppl (probably this woman and my dad most likely), it really does matter. when i listen to my dad talk about different aspects in the bible, i'm just amazed. not that it really helps me to understand things anymore than i did before -- truly. i am looking at these books and saying, what lesson am i supposed to learn from this? i'm not saying, gee, where does this fall on the time scale and what was going on in the time period.

maybe this is naive of me. maybe i should be taking more of an interest in what was going on. i mean there is scripture to point out the fact that many will hear but some will not understand:
Luke 8:10 NIV
He said, "The knowledge of the secrets of the kingdom of God has been given to you, but to others I speak in parables, so that, " 'though seeing, they may not see; though hearing, they may not understand.'

so then it makes me wonder, am i meant to be one of those who doesn't understand. actually, what i really wonder is, does it matter if i don't understand the time frame that something happened or can't remember the sequence of events or all the names and the order of those names in a lineage or what the name of a particular king was at a particular time. will remembering or knowing any of that help me to get the true message behind what is written?? somehow, i doubt it, but maybe that's just my warped mind trying to make me think its ok not to know this stuff backwards and forwards like other ppl do.

here's my thing -- i can take a particular piece of scripture and i can find god's love there -- love for all of us. i can see god's heart in passages like isaiah 58 -- i can understand his sadness when he sees that his ppl will not obey his law and ignore what he has said, seeking only religiosity and nothing else. where does remembering lineage or time scale fit into that - where is the importance? idk

the best thing would be if i could remember everything, understand all the time frames, etc., along with getting the message -- but for some reason, my brain doesn't seem to be able to retain the minute details. i can't quote u scripture by book and verse. most of the time, if i haven't marked it in my bible, i can't tell u where it is, but most likely i'll be able to tell u the meaning. what's more important?? idk

being able to point something out or back something up with the actual place in the bible where that point is being made, is really an asset sometimes because it just solidifies the point ur trying to make. its like the bibliography at the end of an article citing all the places where u can go to check out the facts as they were presented in the article. its back up information. so for me, i can't provide that when i'm speaking to someone about the bible; so i have no way to prove that what i'm saying is true. from that aspect -- its not a good thing.

i can't say that my brain does much better in retaining all things in my own life either. i mean, i have crystal clear memories of certain things growing up -- but they r just snippets in time -- not full movie length versions of each year. some things i remember really well -- other things not at all. what was important to my head at the time seems to stick to me -- what wasn't, falls away. and i feel like that is true for reading the stories in the bible as well. what's important sticks and sticks really well. what doesn't add to the message's importance, seems to fall away.

idk, i'm still feeling my way through the bible. i haven't read every chapter -- but some chapters i've read multiple times (mostly in the new testament). being raised in a conventional church setting, we were never encouraged to read the bible on our own -- only listen to snippets on sundays -- whole stories during special times of the year (christmas, easter, pentecost). i remember my mom sitting and reading her bible every morning. i wish i could say i do the same. sometimes i feel like a bad christian because i don't have a set schedule in that regard -- not even for prayer. i read when i want and pray when the need is there and give thanks for all the blessings that papa god has bestowed upon me. maybe that does make me a bad sort. idk

i only know that papa god loves me and wants to love on all his ppl if they would just let him. that there is such a need in this world for ppl to start caring about one another. and my thoughts on how wondrous papa is rn't going to be amplified by remembering time frames or lineage names.

New Stuff

I have been doing lots of experimenting with the jewelry lately. Lots of wire bending, etc. Here are some of the results.


Lots of swirls in the form of rings and bracelets. I've also been experimenting with making some wire wrapped beads. I love the rings and bracelets. But in the process, I've made a real mess of my work area:

Paradise Falls

ATTENTION: If you haven't seen the Disney/Pixar movie "Up" and plan on doing so -- STOP READING right now because there is major spoiler in this blog.

*********************




*********************

Sometimes things hit me at the oddest moments. Yesterday was one of those moments. My daughter and I went to see the movie "Up". It's a story that starts when this little boy (Carl Fredrickson) meets this little girl (Ellie)and they are in awe of this man named Charles Munz. Mr. Munz is an explorer -- who travels to South America in a blimp and collects exotic specimens of animals. Ellie shares her adventure book (scrapbook) with the Carl after he breaks his arm trying to rescue his balloon. She wants to travel to South America. She's written on one whole page the words, "Things I'm going to do."

Carl and Ellie grow up, get married, get jobs (Carl makes balloons and Ellie works in the South American exhibit at the zoo), discover they can't have children, and make plans to travel to South America. They start saving their coins in a jar for the trip, and even paint a picture of their house sitting on Paradise Falls. But as life has a way of doing, a series of bad "blows" mean taking money from the jar to fix a flat tire, help with medical expenses, etc. Pretty soon, time flies, Carl and Ellie are elderly and then -- well u can guess.... (and this is where I was crying during the movie) Ellie gives Carl her adventure book ....

Eventually, construction of a city starts to go up around Carl's house, and the court decides (because of something Carl does that makes him appear to be a harm to others) to ship Carl off to the old folks home. Carl figures what the heck -- he'll tie a lot of balloons to his house, float it away to South America and sit it on Paradise Falls for Ellie's last wish.

What happens next is exciting and thrilling, and scary, and funny -- one big adventure after another, as Carl discovers he has a stowaway on his porch (a Junior Wilderness Explorer named Russell who is trying to earn his last badge for assisting the elderly and has an absentee dad that he longs to see).

The story has a happy ending and there were laughs and oh mys and all the sorts of things you expect in a great movie. It's probably the best movie so far from Pixar -- not so much for the animation but for the storyline. But I couldn't help thinking about Ellie -- and how sad it was that she never got to fulfill her dream of going to Paradise Falls. She got to do lots of other things -- which are shown near the end of the movie -- but her one big dream was never fulfilled.

So where am I going with all this? Well, a verse in Proverbs says that "hope deferred makes a heart sick and that a dream fulfilled is a tree of life" (Pro. 13:12). I once heard Danny Silk (church leader at Bethel Church in Redding, CA) say that there is nothing more exciting than to spend your day working on your dreams, but most of us spend our days working on somebody else's dreams. I've written about all this before, but from the negative perspective of all the things I had planned for my life and how a great deal of them hadn't ever materialized.

After seeing this movie, I realize that a few of my dreams did materialize (having children, living different places, meeting new people) and that perhaps I wasn't looking at my life from the right perspective. Instead of looking at my life and seeing only what's wrong with it -- I ought to be looking at it from the angle of what's right with it. I know -- there is a LOT wrong with it -- but honestly -- I have a great deal for which to be thankful -- just like Ellie. I have two healthy children, I had a great mom who loved me dearly, I have wonderful friends and some very close brothers and sisters in Christ. Yes, I don't always have money to pay the bills or make ends meet let alone tie a knot, and some days are filled with a great deal of physical pain -- but all in all -- what matters most is the people, the relationships -- and those are pretty solid.

So what am I complaining about -- and that's basically the message I took away from this movie. That I really have no business complaining because the things that matter most, I have. The other stuff -- and that's all it really is; stuff -- matters little. The real meaning of the title of this movie has very little to do with the house going up -- it has more to do with Carl's attitude looking up -- and that's major -- its all about our attitude!

You know that saying that today is the first day of the rest of your life. It's kind of cheesy really -- but I'm going to look at today as the first day of the rest of my life -- and I'll keep pursuing my dreams to travel and write -- but I won't be looking at them with disappointment and longing if they don't happen. I'll be grateful and happy with the things that do happen and the people that God brings into my life and the joy they give me. My Paradise Falls is right now, today, right here -- every day...

memorial day

well today is memorial day. actually -- it really isn't but its when the gov. chooses to celebrate it to make a three-day federal holiday so that ppl can have a three-day weekend. i read a whole lot about the history of memorial day at this site:

US Memorial Day History Website

some ppl in congress tried to get the day put back to its original day with a bill back in the 1990's -- but its basically been shelved -- who knows where. there is a petition at this website that u can sign to help get the day put back to May 30. part of the problem i have with it being a 3-day weekend deal is that the original intent of memorial day kinda gets laid aside for BBQs and days at the beach and u know.

i can remember the first memorial day parade i ever marched in. i was 4 years old. i had been taking baton twirling lessons from the head majorette at the high school where my dad taught. my outfit was custom made for me -- just like all the other little girls -- and it was a white two piece with a flouncy skirt. the top had red and blue sparkle rick rack on it. i wore white socks and brand new white sneakers (which was a big deal because we didn't have a ton of money). i had a baton that was like 3/4 the size of a grown ups and i was so proud. my dad has silent home movies of me marching in place and twirling that thing like crazy.

i didn't march in another parade until i was in high school. i carried a snare drum on my knee and basically had a good time banging it in time to the beat. i wasn't a real part of the band, but my dad figured after all the instruments i'd gone through in high school i could probably handle a snare drum. it was a real learning experience for me. a mile walk carrying and beating a snare drum is hard work!

the next parade i marched in was when i was a junior in high school. then i was a flag twirler. we wore hot wool long-sleeved uniforms and majorette boots with huge blue and white hand-made (out of yarn) tassels. i liked the sound that the boots made on the pavement as we marched along. i think most of us were ready to pass out after the mile long march in the blazing sun. but we all stood at attention during taps.

parades r cool and be a participant is great. but really, what we r honoring is so much more than a parade or a BBQ. being the daughter of a man who went through WWII, the niece of an uncle who was shot down and sent to a german POW camp, and the sister of a brother who served in Vietnam, i understand the price that a lot of families pay when they send their loved ones off to war and they r killed in action. my family was blessed in that no one died -- but so many families lose loved ones in times of war.

i've never been a big proponent of war either. i think a lot of women rn't -- especially moms. peace was something i thought we should always strive for --but i always understood that sometimes war had to happen in order for there to be peace. someone once said that i wasn't a patriot because i didn't believe in war. i disagree -- i always supported the troops and what they were doing. just because someone doesn't like war doesn't mean they r unpatriotic. and just because i don't believe in war doesn't mean that i don't want to honor the men and women who served our country. they were brave and valiant and deserve the recognition for the sacrifices they made. god bless them and their families.

papa god is amazing ....

so yesterday i went for my scheduled physical therapy appointment (just one day after being in the MRI machine). after i had been suitably tugged, pushed and twisted -- she let me look at my MRI scans. pretty amazing technology they have there. they had taken scans from several different angles -- all without moving me once. i got to see my shoulder from the top down, the side in and the front and back in.

the pics were pretty telling and as the PT said, i will probably need surgery (more thoughts on this in a minute). the rotator cuff is completely torn and the muscle that the runs down from the top of the shoulder to the arm bone is "sloughing off" -- her words -- not mine -- and look "weird" (again, her word not mine). but as we all known, i'm not normal -- never have been so y should i think that a torn rotator cuff on my body would be anything but weird??

so i got this news and on the drive home my head is like digesting the thoughts and pretty much saying i don't wanna have someone cutting me open (been there and done that awake for a c-section -- not really treasuring the idea of doing it while asleep). i'm a lot older now, things that can happen on the table (operate on the wrong arm, crash while under, u get the general picture). so i started to freak (well, cry, but to me that's pretty much freaking). i had the radio on to the only christian station in the upper valley (and its range stinks but that's another story). and this song is playing -- the girl is singing that she will believe in the sun even when its not shining, keep her eyes on papa, etc. i'm like -- ok -- i get it -- but i'm still scared.... then another song comes on where the guy sings, we cry out, ur beloved needs u now -- and i'm hello -- u hit me once, i get it!! really i do. but i wanna talk to someone in the natural.

so i go to my friends' house and they lovingly allow me into their home even though i'm sort of falling apart. and we talk and pray and they set me back on the path to keeping my eyes on papa and what he wants to do here. i leave feeling so much better and i know that papa has been with me the entire time -- through the PT, through seeing the damage to the shoulder, through helping me drive to my friends', leading me to them for comfort in the natural, he was with me through all of it. he already knew the damage done, he is already healing it -- i needed the MRI for proof of the damage so when the healing comes i can have true fact-based testimony to give to his healing powers. it was awesome -- after everything was said and done to look back and see how he had been there and guided, and held me through all of it. how could i believe anything but the fact that i will be healed by him -- not by a surgeon -- but by papa god's healing power on me.

i've had a lot of angst lately -- and i've let it sometimes rule my day -- consume my sleep at night. that's not having trust or faith in papa god. that's letting the enemy get a foothold and try to take me out. i'm not going to let him. he has no power or authority over me. papa is an amazing daddy and i know he wants to provide for all our needs, we just need to pull aside our stupid silly pride and let him.

of MRIs and other early friday morning ramblings

i've been awake since 3:30. idk what that's all about. i mean really, i enjoy sleep -- good solid sound sleep with no weird dreams or tossing and turning -- worrying about how the car payment will be paid, how many pieces of jewelry i have to sell to make the car payment, etc. yeah ... it would be good just to sleep -- straight through -- no interruptions to visit the bathroom or the bedroom being too hot or too cold when i return from said bathroom visit -- or pain in a shoulder that won't let u go back to sleep and tylenol that doesn't kick in soon enough and barely takes the edge off anyhow... yeah -- sleep ....

yesterday i went for my MRI on said painful shoulder. since i'm claustrophobic, they put me in what is called an "open bore" machine. technically, this is supposed to be better than being in a regular machine. since i've never been in a regular machine, i have nothing to compare it with, but suffice to say that when ur in a tube and ur face is a mere 5 inches from the wall of said tube -- its enough to wig anyone out. the technicians were all very smiley and nice and that helps -- honestly it does -- to calm ur fears. and they slapped some lovely earphones on me so i wouldn't hear the horrible noise that the machine makes when its scanning and so the technician could actually talk to me and make sure i was doing ok. i got to listen to christian music -- but most of it was kind of mellow -- the stuff u hear at funerals. i guess they don't want u moving much so they figure they will give u soothing music to make sure u don't get carried away.

at one point as they were getting ready to "pack me in", they handed me a bulbous contraption and explained that it was my "panic button". if i got weirded out i could squeeze it and they would pull me out. to be perfectly honest, i was holding onto that thing for dear life and wouldn't have known if i was actually squeezing it or not. it was like a lifeline to the world outside!

the worst part was the way they packed my arm -- and then i had to hold it like that for the entire 35 minutes. by the time the scanning was complete and they pulled me out, my arm was pretty sore. but i guess i still have a shoulder ... ha ha i have to go see the orthopedic doctor next week and then we'll have to make some decisions i suppose.

i've been thinking a lot about the fact that idk what i would do if i didn't have health insurance or go to a hospital where if u have a financial need they would help u. i have both of these. and its a good thing i have them because one month of physical therapy (i'm in my third month now) is $1,900. i have no clue how much the bill will be for the MRI or the ortho doctor. what do ppl do who have these injuries and don't have health insurance or an understanding hospital??? and medications r getting to be so outrageously expensive. doctors don't seem to understand when they just arbitrarily say u need this or that test or this or that drug and that a good deal of the US population can't afford that stuff. and no amount of saying u really need this changes the fact that if u can't pay for it u can't pay for it. something really needs to be done about it -- but what -- idk -- is there a solution -- who knows??

see this is where my head goes when at 3:30 i can't go back to sleep -- its like this progression of thoughts all leading to what -- ha ha -- randomness....

i'm not senile (yet)

so today my daughter has a half day of school. on half days the teachers get together and do some sort of inservice type program. this particular school system has at least one half day every month. i wonder how much they can learn in a couple of hours.

at any rate, six months ago i scheduled a dentist appt. for said daughter. i was given a card with the time of the appt. on it -- 1:45pm. great, i thought, plenty of time to pick her up at school at 12:30 and bring her home to brush her teeth before heading out to the dentist.

a week ago, my ex brought over the reminder card the dentist had sent to him. unfortunately, their computer system doesn't allow for divorces and living in two different houses, but whatever. i've had to deal with the same issues with statements from Blue Cross/Blue Shield going to him for my care (like i want him knowing every little thing about me). but i digress....

i didn't pay much mind to what was written on the reminder card because i had already written down the time on my calendar from the card they had given me, which i'd also kept in my wallet. but two days ago, the dentist's office called me to remind me and said the time was 1:30. i said, no, its 1:45 and she said no, its 1:30 and we could have gone on and on like that forever, but i decided it was stupid and let it drop.

but i'm not stupid and i'm not senile (yet), but in a moment of self-doubt (yeah don't we all have these), i had to go get the card out of my wallet and sure enough -- it said 1:45. so then i looked at the reminder card that was sent to the ex and it said 1:30 and i'm thinking, this is crazy.

now there is a part of me that would normally let this go -- because i'm not confrontational, really.... but there is this other part of me that wonders who messed up and what if the 15 minutes was a big deal to someone else's time table?? i mean for us it means we rush home and then rush to the dentist because that 15 minute buffer is gone. but yeah... idk

new creations

so i've been working on some new items. i haven't put them up at etsy yet, but they r up at my flickr site. here r some of the new items i've made in the last couple of weeks. if u see anything at the flickr site that u like, just contact me there and we can arrange payment and shipping info.

college visits -- part two

this past week has been a whirlwind. my daughter is a junior in high school and she had the week off for spring vacation. only for us it wasn't much of a vacation. we were looking at colleges and i spent the better part of 22+ hours driving. i've been through this before with my eldest child (now 21). we looked at 5 schools from one side of PA to the other for him and he ended up not applying to any of them only to end up in a huge school that he hated and dropped out of after a year. i had decided i wouldn't try to give advice this time. obviously, sometimes the best laid plans go awry. i'm a mother after all ....

of course her top choice was the first one scheduled -- with three more to follow (and two others that will have to be scheduled at a different time -- there r only so many days in the week). most of them had programs or tours that started at a decent hour (say 11 or 1) so that we could do a day-trip sort of thing. that wasn't so bad even though it made for a really long day for me (especially with my shoulder issues). see, even though she can drive, she can't drive my standard transmission car, and she hasn't gotten her license yet (feels its a waste of perfectly good money when she won't need it at college and will still have to pay insurance).

her top choice soon became no choice (we didn't even get to hear the presentation before she stated that she was pretty sure she wasn't going to go there or even bother applying). she's got that gift of discernment and something about the place really bothered her -- i'm thinking it was the very hilly terrain and the communal bathrooms (see she's spoiled because her brother's school had bathrooms in each dorm room). as she was announcing this i was left thinking, i just drove over 3 hours and into a screwy city with no city map in my hand and will now need to get us out of said screwy city and drive another 3+ hours home for u to tell me this???? all the time wondering if we were going to have a repeat of her brother's experience and if we were -- we could stop right now...

the second school we visited, her art teacher recommended. its kinda "out there" as colleges go, if u ask me. its for that "bohemian" crowd. i don't see my daughter as a bohemian -- but evidently she was thrilled. the school is in a refurbed dept. store -- i'm all for recycling and the space was huge and impressive for what they had in it and what was yet to be developed. everything reeked of cigarette smoke (including the refurbed hotel that served as a dorm -- each room had its own bathroom). my daughter doesn't smoke. as a matter of fact, she has asthma -- but on the day we visited she had a bad cold and couldn't smell anything. i wonder if a follow-up visit will change her outlook on it. i was looking at where its located and trying not to think of her walking alone at night from the studio to the dorm. of course, should i care whether its bohemian and smokey and potentially dangerous if she's getting a great education??? i can see that my views on this r obviously too motherly.

the third school is in our state and she's considering it her "safety" school. its an ok place even if the one all-female dorm (which is in a victorian house) is 30% lesbian. again -- we're talking artists here and they basically march to a different beat all the way around i'm discovering. but my daughter's reaction to this school was "well, its not going to kill me to come here, but its obviously NOT at the top of my list." alrighty then....

yesterday was probably the hardest day. friday night we'd gone to a worship meeting at church and even though i had thought we would leave early, we didn't depart until close to 10pm (and the meeting wasn't over). then i had to get up at 3:45am to drive 2+ hours to get to the last school we would be visiting early enough for their presentation (which, btw didn't start on time because some other parents couldn't seem to get their acts together to get there in time). needless to say, i was yawning a lot throughout the parental presentation. i was grumpy on the tour and they didn't even show us the living spaces for the students (they r building new ones for a third of the incoming students, but they still could have shown us the existing ones -- and the tour guide didn't wait till everybody was in one place to talk and often talked while walking so that those of us at the back of the pack couldn't hear her -- so we missed a good deal of what was being said, and yeah u get the picture).

even though i was impressed with the security and the school and the location (2 hours vs. 3+ for her new top choice), she still had stars in her eyes for the bohemian school and basically was blowing anything else off -- so y were we there?? idk

probably the best thing about the day was getting to see the sky that papa god was painting as we drove there and laughing about how mom was a dork for stopping to take pictures of it only to have a state policeman drive up behind her and ask if she was having a "kodak moment." then said daughter got the hiccups because she hadn't eaten any breakfast before we'd left (teens r like this u know) and so we laughed about how she knew i was going to scare her to try to get rid of them and "don't do it mom". when we got home, we both crashed in the livingroom (her on the floor and me on the couch) around 7. when i woke up at 9 and suggested we both go to bed i figured i might well be awake early and sure enough -- here i am at 3am writing.

throughout this whole college visit thing a couple of things have surfaced. first of all, i have a really tough time with the idea of my daughter sitting in a classroom with a naked man or woman in front of her that she's required to draw (hey, i'm a mom, sometimes we'd like to put a plastic bubble around our kids to protect them from stuff and keep them as innocent as possible for the longest period of time). something about seeing metalwork statutes of men with erect penises on the bohemian tour set me off i think and after that all naked drawings on the walls of the schools made me cringe (and i'm not a prude) ... even michelangelo managed to give david a flaccid penis.

secondly, i have no sense of art as its being expressed now. i've been reminded by my daughter that anything can be art and "can't u see what the artist is trying to say?" um, that they like other ppl's garbage and painting it all green makes it art??? yeah, even though i was raised in an artistic household, some things just don't speak art to me. i'm sorry....

i want my kids to have to have the best experiences they can, but i also realize that i can't tell them where to go to school. my daughter, for instance, refuses to look at colleges anywhere beyond a 3-4 hour drive -- which may be a good thing -- or a bad thing (limiting) if u get my drift. if i had been making the decision for my son, he would have gone to the smaller school in PA that we visited because for me, it seemed a good fit for him. instead, he chose a huge state school in the next state over and was miserable because he got lost in the shuffle. i can't tell my daughter where to go, but in a sense, i want her to be safe and happy and not be exposed to things that might tear down her morals and values. i think that's a pretty hard thing to find when we're talking art schools.

at some point i know i have to cut the umbilical cord. i've been reminded of this all too often with my son. what most children don't realize is that its very hard for a mom to do that. our purpose was to raise them, nurture them, teach them, protect them. yes, we have to let go, but after 18 years of doing our job, its hard to "switch gears". i've been calling on papa god more and more lately for strength to let go. after all, i was just a caretaker -- he is their protector -- they really belong to him and they were just on loan to me. once my job with them is done, i will be left "unemployed" -- which is essentially what i am in the real world anyhow. and then the question becomes -- what is my purpose now??

yes, this whole college visit thing stirs up a lot of emotions. i'm so glad i have papa god with me -- he surely is my rock to lean on. and who would know better than he about letting go and giving freedom to a child....

Feed Someone Today

i can't take credit for this -- someone sent it to me in one of those chain emails -- but it really hits close to home to how my heart has been feeling lately ....

***************************

A  holy man was having a  conversation with God one day and said,  ' God, I would like to know what Heaven and Hell are like.'

God led the holy man to two doors.
He opened one of the doors and the  holy man looked in.

In the middle of the room  was a large round table.   In the middle of the  table was a large pot of stew, which smelled delicious  and made the holy man's mouth water.

The people  sitting around the table were thin and sickly.  They appeared to be famished.

 They were  holding spoons with very long handles, that were  strapped to their arms and each found it possible to  reach into the pot of stew and take a spoonful.  

But because the handle was longer than their  arms, they could not get the spoons back into their mouths.
 The holy man shuddered at the sight of  their misery and suffering.
 God said, 'You  have seen Hell.' 
They went to the next room and opened the door.  It was exactly the same as the first one.

There was the large round table with  the large pot of stew which made the holy man's mouth  water.  
The people were equipped with the  same long-handled spoons, but here the people were well nourished and plump, laughing and  talking.  The holy man said, 'I don't understand.'  
'It is simple,' said  God .  'It  requires but one skill.  
You see they have  learned to feed each other, while the greedy think only of themselves.'

feeling sorry for myself

so i'm sitting here feeling sorry for myself. and u may ask y...

back in august i fell at Soulfest -- which is this like amazing three day Christian band event. it was only our second time going and this time we (my daughter and a friend of her's) decided to stay in a hotel and NOT sleep in the car (a rather wise move). but it turned out really crappy because it rained a lot and i didn't get to see the bands i wanted to see, and i was having issues with my daughter -- and then i fell.

it was my own stupidity. we got off the ski lift and instead of going around the roped area, i crawled through them like my daughter's friend did and my foot got caught in the rope and i fell -- onto the graveled parking lot. I ended up with gravel in my hand (and still bear the scars from that) and evidently i tore my rotator cuff.

well, a lot of things were happening. we were going to my dad's, school was starting for my daughter, then it was thanksgiving and then christmas and by this time my arm is killing me all the time and keeping me awake at night and everybody is yelling at me to go to the doctor's and get it checked out and i know i can't afford to go until AFTER i've had my physical at the beginning of this year -- so that the insurance will pay for anything i might need done, and if i needed surgery how was that gonna mess things up at home blah blah blah.... and i was reading all i could about what it might be and was pretty much convinced it was a torn rotator cuff because of how the pain presented itself when i rolled over onto it. and i was still trying to live (drive a car, shovel snow, do the housework, cook meals, wash dishes), even though it was difficult to get dressed or even wash my hair sometimes for the pain.

its not that i like pain -- i hate pain -- but the reality is that there isn't much they can give me to get rid of the pain either -- because when i had my first child by C-section they sent me home with no meds after three days because i couldn't tolerate what they had given me in the hospital. and i can be quite "stoic" sometimes when it comes to this sort of stuff and keep my mouth shut. its like, if i'm complaining about it, u know its hurting badly.

so last week i had my physical and after a lot of other nonsense (my blood pressure was up and mind they r taking it in the arm that is paining me but w/e), i was given a slip to get xrays and blood work and a referral to physical therapy. in the meantime, i can no longer take ibuprofen because it interacts with the new bp meds they gave me -- so i have one pain reliever alternative and that's tylenol -- which, if any of u have ever had this sort of injury, u know that tylenol doesn't touch it.

today was my first PT appt. -- really an evaluation of sorts -- and it appears that my shoulder is partially frozen and will require at least four weeks of twice a week PT, along with exercises to try and get it unfrozen and give me back some of my mobility and range of motion. and then they gave me an ultrasound treatment and i came home in pain and took tylenol and yeah -- u can guess the rest.

so i'm sitting here thinking how can i look for a job or even take a job when i can't move my arm and i'm in pain and yeah -- time for the pity party.

if anyone out there feels like praying for me -- i'd really appreciate it.

misery loves company??

i'm currently in a blue funk. a lot of things have contributed to this funk, but the one that sticks prominently in my mind is what's happening at my church. i laughingly use the word "my" because deep down, i know this church is not where god wants me to stay.

i love papa god, and most of the time i do trust him -- but idk what to think right now. it isn't just what i'm sensing while i'm there -- its what i'm hearing from others and the way they have been treated. how can christians say they are christians when they treat each other so badly. we're supposed to love one another, not bash each other about and judge each other till the cows come home.

the worst part is that attacks on me have begun and being the "i'd like everybody to like me" type, its hard for me to be so misjudged. i was even told by the self-appointed facebook "police" from our church that i'm on facebook too much and that all my stuff is "out there for everybody to see". um yeah, no, because i restrict what can and can't be seen by the general public, but w/e. i didn't realize until just a couple of days ago that this person saying that to me has made me not want to write anything or blog about anything. and that's probably one reason i'm feeling so blue.

i used to write a lot. then i got married and was miserable -- most of my writings went into my journals because it was so private -- and the internet wasn't the prevalent place it is now -- there was no such thing as a blog. i did have a column in a small local paper for a couple of years. then somewhere along the line, i stopped writing altogether -- it was just to painful to put it on paper anywhere. i didn't start writing again until i got my divorce and then i was unstoppable. but i've allowed the words -- the wounding words -- of this ONE person in my church stop me from doing something i love doing -- all because i want to be accepted by man....

just when i think i have gotten past this need for verification of my life from man -- something comes in and smacks me (that's the enemy, btw, dragging my old man out of the closet and throwing it at me). it makes me realize that there is a part of me that still perhaps wants that -- that there is still a gaping hole in my heart that wants filling and somehow i feel that man can do that. but the reality is that man is imperfect and can't fill the hole and won't fill the hole because in their own woundedness, all they want to do is wound others, not help them. they want others to feel as wretched as they do so that they won't have to be the only wretched person on the planet. as someone reminded me yesterday -- hurt ppl, hurt ppl.

and this is something that i have begun to see as a trend in churches. all these christians feel like they need to be wretched and downcast because y idk?? i admit that there were times in my life when i was miserable too -- but mostly it was because of circumstances and feeling like god didn't give a hoot about me or my circumstances. i've come to realize that that is NOT the case -- he cares a lot -- its just that sometimes the choices we make, give little room for making things work out right. but somehow god takes even the most awful of circumstances and uses them for good.

at any rate, i can't let this funk continue because it will only drag me down and out -- i don't want to be a miserable christian. i've said this before. i want to be the salt and the light -- to shine god's love so brightly that others will say, "i want that". i firmly believe that we don't have to be downcast and wretched as christians. that was never what papa god intended for us. and by being that way, it makes other ppl say -- y would i want to be a christian if i'm going to be miserable all the time.

i also realize that my old man was killed off when i accepted christ and i need to stop letting the enemy drag him out of the closet and jiggle him around in front of me. that is not who i am any more -- i'm a new creation in christ. and it will take heavy armor from god to keep the enemy at bay with this because he knows its pushing buttons.

i started feeling more and more like i really don't care what other ppl think. i never thought i would get to that point. but this last bout has made me realize even more that the one that i care the most about what they think is papa god. he's all that matters. i must be doing something right for the enemy to be coming against me so strongly. but i know with papa god by my side, i can do anything. the joy i feel when i think of him with me always is overflowing and if it bothers other christians because i walk around with a smile on my face, that is their issue and not mine. i don't need to be miserable and wretched -- papa wants me happy. that's not to say there won't be times when circumstances weigh me down -- but it doesn't mean i have to stay in the hole and wallow around there. papa can bring me back out into the sunshine. i need to keep my eyes ever on him.

Someday is Today

someday you will be loved....

last night i went to a financial aid for college meeting at my daughter's school. everything was fine until my ex showed up -- with his girlfriend in tow. i got to see them huddled at the back table -- heads together, chatting, laughing. it was nauseating to say the least. my daughter lamented that he might as well have not bothered to come.

in my head, i understand y he came and y he came with her (her daughter is in the same grade as mine). i can logically deduce all this. but it was emotionally tearing.... and here i thought i was over it.

it got worse because after the meeting i went to chat to two friends i hadn't seen since my store closed and paula asked me how i was and i said i was fine till my ex showed up with his girlfriend and she said, "oh, that's odd". whereupon the other friend said, "no, not really, he's dating _______'s mom". so people know and that makes it worse....

its always one step forward and two back it seems. and i can beat myself up over what i'm feeling, but the reality is that its not even that i want to be with him -- its just that i don't want to see him with other women because its just a reminder of how it all ended -- with another woman.

i can't dictate to him who he dates or when he dates or even where he takes them -- but common sense would say -- or should say -- to him that perhaps a school meeting where his daughter will be isn't the time or place. he has never cared about my feelings -- but shouldn't he care about her's.

so i went to bed with this weight hanging over me and this morning i woke up with the song "someday you will be loved" in my head and i couldn't shake it all morning and ended up playing it on itunes -- just to get it out of my head (i know that will make no sense to anyone, but its how my head was working this morning).

the reality is this -- that i am loved -- and deeply -- by father god. nobody could ever love me as much as he loves me. it will never be as good with anyone else as it is with him. i don't have to do anything to win his love -- its already given freely. i don't have to look a certain way -- its an unconditional agape love. so i don't need the song to tell me that someday i will be loved when i'm loved right now, right here, in this place.

and the other great thing about papa god's love is that he will never disappoint me -- he is the most faithful -- i can trust him with all my heart not to hurt me. how could i ever want more than that.... and all this junk in my head right now -- this is the enemy pushing buttons. i just need to keep my eyes on papa -- the greatest lover of all!