i'm currently in a blue funk. a lot of things have contributed to this funk, but the one that sticks prominently in my mind is what's happening at my church. i laughingly use the word "my" because deep down, i know this church is not where god wants me to stay.
i love papa god, and most of the time i do trust him -- but idk what to think right now. it isn't just what i'm sensing while i'm there -- its what i'm hearing from others and the way they have been treated. how can christians say they are christians when they treat each other so badly. we're supposed to love one another, not bash each other about and judge each other till the cows come home.
the worst part is that attacks on me have begun and being the "i'd like everybody to like me" type, its hard for me to be so misjudged. i was even told by the self-appointed facebook "police" from our church that i'm on facebook too much and that all my stuff is "out there for everybody to see". um yeah, no, because i restrict what can and can't be seen by the general public, but w/e. i didn't realize until just a couple of days ago that this person saying that to me has made me not want to write anything or blog about anything. and that's probably one reason i'm feeling so blue.
i used to write a lot. then i got married and was miserable -- most of my writings went into my journals because it was so private -- and the internet wasn't the prevalent place it is now -- there was no such thing as a blog. i did have a column in a small local paper for a couple of years. then somewhere along the line, i stopped writing altogether -- it was just to painful to put it on paper anywhere. i didn't start writing again until i got my divorce and then i was unstoppable. but i've allowed the words -- the wounding words -- of this ONE person in my church stop me from doing something i love doing -- all because i want to be accepted by man....
just when i think i have gotten past this need for verification of my life from man -- something comes in and smacks me (that's the enemy, btw, dragging my old man out of the closet and throwing it at me). it makes me realize that there is a part of me that still perhaps wants that -- that there is still a gaping hole in my heart that wants filling and somehow i feel that man can do that. but the reality is that man is imperfect and can't fill the hole and won't fill the hole because in their own woundedness, all they want to do is wound others, not help them. they want others to feel as wretched as they do so that they won't have to be the only wretched person on the planet. as someone reminded me yesterday -- hurt ppl, hurt ppl.
and this is something that i have begun to see as a trend in churches. all these christians feel like they need to be wretched and downcast because y idk?? i admit that there were times in my life when i was miserable too -- but mostly it was because of circumstances and feeling like god didn't give a hoot about me or my circumstances. i've come to realize that that is NOT the case -- he cares a lot -- its just that sometimes the choices we make, give little room for making things work out right. but somehow god takes even the most awful of circumstances and uses them for good.
at any rate, i can't let this funk continue because it will only drag me down and out -- i don't want to be a miserable christian. i've said this before. i want to be the salt and the light -- to shine god's love so brightly that others will say, "i want that". i firmly believe that we don't have to be downcast and wretched as christians. that was never what papa god intended for us. and by being that way, it makes other ppl say -- y would i want to be a christian if i'm going to be miserable all the time.
i also realize that my old man was killed off when i accepted christ and i need to stop letting the enemy drag him out of the closet and jiggle him around in front of me. that is not who i am any more -- i'm a new creation in christ. and it will take heavy armor from god to keep the enemy at bay with this because he knows its pushing buttons.
i started feeling more and more like i really don't care what other ppl think. i never thought i would get to that point. but this last bout has made me realize even more that the one that i care the most about what they think is papa god. he's all that matters. i must be doing something right for the enemy to be coming against me so strongly. but i know with papa god by my side, i can do anything. the joy i feel when i think of him with me always is overflowing and if it bothers other christians because i walk around with a smile on my face, that is their issue and not mine. i don't need to be miserable and wretched -- papa wants me happy. that's not to say there won't be times when circumstances weigh me down -- but it doesn't mean i have to stay in the hole and wallow around there. papa can bring me back out into the sunshine. i need to keep my eyes ever on him.