so yesterday i went for my scheduled physical therapy appointment (just one day after being in the MRI machine). after i had been suitably tugged, pushed and twisted -- she let me look at my MRI scans. pretty amazing technology they have there. they had taken scans from several different angles -- all without moving me once. i got to see my shoulder from the top down, the side in and the front and back in.
the pics were pretty telling and as the PT said, i will probably need surgery (more thoughts on this in a minute). the rotator cuff is completely torn and the muscle that the runs down from the top of the shoulder to the arm bone is "sloughing off" -- her words -- not mine -- and look "weird" (again, her word not mine). but as we all known, i'm not normal -- never have been so y should i think that a torn rotator cuff on my body would be anything but weird??
so i got this news and on the drive home my head is like digesting the thoughts and pretty much saying i don't wanna have someone cutting me open (been there and done that awake for a c-section -- not really treasuring the idea of doing it while asleep). i'm a lot older now, things that can happen on the table (operate on the wrong arm, crash while under, u get the general picture). so i started to freak (well, cry, but to me that's pretty much freaking). i had the radio on to the only christian station in the upper valley (and its range stinks but that's another story). and this song is playing -- the girl is singing that she will believe in the sun even when its not shining, keep her eyes on papa, etc. i'm like -- ok -- i get it -- but i'm still scared.... then another song comes on where the guy sings, we cry out, ur beloved needs u now -- and i'm hello -- u hit me once, i get it!! really i do. but i wanna talk to someone in the natural.
so i go to my friends' house and they lovingly allow me into their home even though i'm sort of falling apart. and we talk and pray and they set me back on the path to keeping my eyes on papa and what he wants to do here. i leave feeling so much better and i know that papa has been with me the entire time -- through the PT, through seeing the damage to the shoulder, through helping me drive to my friends', leading me to them for comfort in the natural, he was with me through all of it. he already knew the damage done, he is already healing it -- i needed the MRI for proof of the damage so when the healing comes i can have true fact-based testimony to give to his healing powers. it was awesome -- after everything was said and done to look back and see how he had been there and guided, and held me through all of it. how could i believe anything but the fact that i will be healed by him -- not by a surgeon -- but by papa god's healing power on me.
i've had a lot of angst lately -- and i've let it sometimes rule my day -- consume my sleep at night. that's not having trust or faith in papa god. that's letting the enemy get a foothold and try to take me out. i'm not going to let him. he has no power or authority over me. papa is an amazing daddy and i know he wants to provide for all our needs, we just need to pull aside our stupid silly pride and let him.
Showing posts with label torn rotator cuff. Show all posts
Showing posts with label torn rotator cuff. Show all posts
Saturday, May 16, 2009
Thursday, March 5, 2009
feeling sorry for myself
so i'm sitting here feeling sorry for myself. and u may ask y...
back in august i fell at Soulfest -- which is this like amazing three day Christian band event. it was only our second time going and this time we (my daughter and a friend of her's) decided to stay in a hotel and NOT sleep in the car (a rather wise move). but it turned out really crappy because it rained a lot and i didn't get to see the bands i wanted to see, and i was having issues with my daughter -- and then i fell.
it was my own stupidity. we got off the ski lift and instead of going around the roped area, i crawled through them like my daughter's friend did and my foot got caught in the rope and i fell -- onto the graveled parking lot. I ended up with gravel in my hand (and still bear the scars from that) and evidently i tore my rotator cuff.
well, a lot of things were happening. we were going to my dad's, school was starting for my daughter, then it was thanksgiving and then christmas and by this time my arm is killing me all the time and keeping me awake at night and everybody is yelling at me to go to the doctor's and get it checked out and i know i can't afford to go until AFTER i've had my physical at the beginning of this year -- so that the insurance will pay for anything i might need done, and if i needed surgery how was that gonna mess things up at home blah blah blah.... and i was reading all i could about what it might be and was pretty much convinced it was a torn rotator cuff because of how the pain presented itself when i rolled over onto it. and i was still trying to live (drive a car, shovel snow, do the housework, cook meals, wash dishes), even though it was difficult to get dressed or even wash my hair sometimes for the pain.
its not that i like pain -- i hate pain -- but the reality is that there isn't much they can give me to get rid of the pain either -- because when i had my first child by C-section they sent me home with no meds after three days because i couldn't tolerate what they had given me in the hospital. and i can be quite "stoic" sometimes when it comes to this sort of stuff and keep my mouth shut. its like, if i'm complaining about it, u know its hurting badly.
so last week i had my physical and after a lot of other nonsense (my blood pressure was up and mind they r taking it in the arm that is paining me but w/e), i was given a slip to get xrays and blood work and a referral to physical therapy. in the meantime, i can no longer take ibuprofen because it interacts with the new bp meds they gave me -- so i have one pain reliever alternative and that's tylenol -- which, if any of u have ever had this sort of injury, u know that tylenol doesn't touch it.
today was my first PT appt. -- really an evaluation of sorts -- and it appears that my shoulder is partially frozen and will require at least four weeks of twice a week PT, along with exercises to try and get it unfrozen and give me back some of my mobility and range of motion. and then they gave me an ultrasound treatment and i came home in pain and took tylenol and yeah -- u can guess the rest.
so i'm sitting here thinking how can i look for a job or even take a job when i can't move my arm and i'm in pain and yeah -- time for the pity party.
if anyone out there feels like praying for me -- i'd really appreciate it.
back in august i fell at Soulfest -- which is this like amazing three day Christian band event. it was only our second time going and this time we (my daughter and a friend of her's) decided to stay in a hotel and NOT sleep in the car (a rather wise move). but it turned out really crappy because it rained a lot and i didn't get to see the bands i wanted to see, and i was having issues with my daughter -- and then i fell.
it was my own stupidity. we got off the ski lift and instead of going around the roped area, i crawled through them like my daughter's friend did and my foot got caught in the rope and i fell -- onto the graveled parking lot. I ended up with gravel in my hand (and still bear the scars from that) and evidently i tore my rotator cuff.
well, a lot of things were happening. we were going to my dad's, school was starting for my daughter, then it was thanksgiving and then christmas and by this time my arm is killing me all the time and keeping me awake at night and everybody is yelling at me to go to the doctor's and get it checked out and i know i can't afford to go until AFTER i've had my physical at the beginning of this year -- so that the insurance will pay for anything i might need done, and if i needed surgery how was that gonna mess things up at home blah blah blah.... and i was reading all i could about what it might be and was pretty much convinced it was a torn rotator cuff because of how the pain presented itself when i rolled over onto it. and i was still trying to live (drive a car, shovel snow, do the housework, cook meals, wash dishes), even though it was difficult to get dressed or even wash my hair sometimes for the pain.
its not that i like pain -- i hate pain -- but the reality is that there isn't much they can give me to get rid of the pain either -- because when i had my first child by C-section they sent me home with no meds after three days because i couldn't tolerate what they had given me in the hospital. and i can be quite "stoic" sometimes when it comes to this sort of stuff and keep my mouth shut. its like, if i'm complaining about it, u know its hurting badly.
so last week i had my physical and after a lot of other nonsense (my blood pressure was up and mind they r taking it in the arm that is paining me but w/e), i was given a slip to get xrays and blood work and a referral to physical therapy. in the meantime, i can no longer take ibuprofen because it interacts with the new bp meds they gave me -- so i have one pain reliever alternative and that's tylenol -- which, if any of u have ever had this sort of injury, u know that tylenol doesn't touch it.
today was my first PT appt. -- really an evaluation of sorts -- and it appears that my shoulder is partially frozen and will require at least four weeks of twice a week PT, along with exercises to try and get it unfrozen and give me back some of my mobility and range of motion. and then they gave me an ultrasound treatment and i came home in pain and took tylenol and yeah -- u can guess the rest.
so i'm sitting here thinking how can i look for a job or even take a job when i can't move my arm and i'm in pain and yeah -- time for the pity party.
if anyone out there feels like praying for me -- i'd really appreciate it.
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