Friday, February 13, 2009

Someday is Today

someday you will be loved....

last night i went to a financial aid for college meeting at my daughter's school. everything was fine until my ex showed up -- with his girlfriend in tow. i got to see them huddled at the back table -- heads together, chatting, laughing. it was nauseating to say the least. my daughter lamented that he might as well have not bothered to come.

in my head, i understand y he came and y he came with her (her daughter is in the same grade as mine). i can logically deduce all this. but it was emotionally tearing.... and here i thought i was over it.

it got worse because after the meeting i went to chat to two friends i hadn't seen since my store closed and paula asked me how i was and i said i was fine till my ex showed up with his girlfriend and she said, "oh, that's odd". whereupon the other friend said, "no, not really, he's dating _______'s mom". so people know and that makes it worse....

its always one step forward and two back it seems. and i can beat myself up over what i'm feeling, but the reality is that its not even that i want to be with him -- its just that i don't want to see him with other women because its just a reminder of how it all ended -- with another woman.

i can't dictate to him who he dates or when he dates or even where he takes them -- but common sense would say -- or should say -- to him that perhaps a school meeting where his daughter will be isn't the time or place. he has never cared about my feelings -- but shouldn't he care about her's.

so i went to bed with this weight hanging over me and this morning i woke up with the song "someday you will be loved" in my head and i couldn't shake it all morning and ended up playing it on itunes -- just to get it out of my head (i know that will make no sense to anyone, but its how my head was working this morning).

the reality is this -- that i am loved -- and deeply -- by father god. nobody could ever love me as much as he loves me. it will never be as good with anyone else as it is with him. i don't have to do anything to win his love -- its already given freely. i don't have to look a certain way -- its an unconditional agape love. so i don't need the song to tell me that someday i will be loved when i'm loved right now, right here, in this place.

and the other great thing about papa god's love is that he will never disappoint me -- he is the most faithful -- i can trust him with all my heart not to hurt me. how could i ever want more than that.... and all this junk in my head right now -- this is the enemy pushing buttons. i just need to keep my eyes on papa -- the greatest lover of all!

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