mi familia

two weeks ago was my family reunion in PA. we do this every year -- sometimes we can make it -- sometimes we can't. this year my brother got to come -- he lives in Texas, so its a big deal when he's here at all let alone for a reunion. the last reunion he came to was the year my mom died -- 21 years ago. so imagine the surprise on ppl's faces when they saw him there yesterday.

most of the time ppl show up at these things and we haven't seen each other for a year or more and there r so dang many of us -- my dad was the baby of like a dozen -- and we don't really know each other and we have to introduce ourselves all over again. then there is this sort of self-imposed "clique-ishness" that happens and idk y it happens but its kind of annoying how ppl push themselves into pockets and don't come out of the pockets to chat with others. this year, that didn't happen and it was kinda cool.

sometimes i feel like there r so many ppl at these reunions that they can't all be related to us and maybe they r just strays off the street looking to belong to a family. i mean, everybody needs to be able to say they belong to a family ... even the family of papa god.

this year we also all got to meet the great great granddaughter of a man who was my great great great grandfather's son -- and the brother of my great great grandfather. yeah -- confusing i know. there is some speculation that my great great great grandfather (john) came here from ireland -- although there is also speculation that he was born here to parents who came from ireland. we know where he is buried and so after the reunion we went to visit his grave (i'd never been there before) and there were a zillion daughertys there -- no lie!!! so i took photos of all the headstones -- many of which u can't read anymore coz they r so worn down.

when ur standing there looking at these names on these stones and realizing that somehow ur related to them its kind of overwhelming. u don't really know them -- sort of like the living ppl at the reunions -- yet there is a real sense of family connection.

i discovered that i had a great uncle who was a pastor and before that i had two great great uncles, and a great great great uncle who were all pastors. idk where their mantles went when they passed on coz my great uncle had a daughter and she didn't become a pastor and i also wonder how many other ppl in my family were pastors. it makes me realize though that my love of papa god was forged a long long time ago in ppl i don't even know.

watching ppl at the reunionß, seeing faces, i can see resemblances in them to the ones in the old photos from generations past that i put in my scrapbook. it isn't just looks that r passed on -- all the talents can be passed on as well. the artists and musicians who were in my family show up in my children and my cousins, and their gifts. all of that is passed down from generation to generation and needs to be cultivated and activated so its not lost. we can't afford to squander what gifts we've been given -- future generations can't afford it either. we need to be mindful and protect it and grow it to pass on to the next generations.

ramblings ....

i did the crafts fair on sat. we didn't have as big of a turn out as i expected for all the advertising they said they had done - but nonetheless i managed to sell a few pieces, for which i'm extremely thankful. they asked me if i was coming back for the one in december (more like november) and i said sure -- its not like i have to make a lot more stuff -- i certainly have enough inventory. i did put up a few things on etsy this morning. and i'll continue to add things this week. perhaps that will generate some sales ....

its finally gotten sunny and hot here -- we've had so much rain that most of my plants have rotted away outside. i don't have a green thumb to begin with -- so this is quite upsetting. all of the spinach was "eaten" by some critter -- probably the two ground hogs that were out there -- and the one and only squash that was on the vine disappeared (probably the same critter) before it had a chance to get big enough to pick. i probably won't try this container gardening thing again -- what a waste of time and money it was.

at any rate, with the heat the apartment heats up. i decided not to the put the a/c in this year as they upped the amount per month they charge for them. that means i keep all the doors and windows closed and the blinds all pulled throughout most of the day. kind of makes me feel like we're vampires or something... i've been keeping things closed up a lot anyhow because they pulled all the siding off my building in the hopes of re-insulating, etc. but for months they haven't been able to do anything because of all the rain. now there is mold growing everywhere and i'm allergic to it -- so i've had to deal with itchy eyes and constant coughing. one would think i wasn't taking any allergy meds at all for all the issues i've had. i guess some things just can't be cured with a simple pill.

the last couple of days i've been dealing with pain in both arms. i had to go to PT last thurs. for the arm that wasn't injured in the fall. evidently, this is a common thing because we tend to favor the "bad" arm and use the good arm to excess -- plus, we're not as young as we used to be and things don't work as well and blah blah blah (this is all according to the orthopedic surgeon). i basically wanted to tell him to shut up because i'm still contending for supernatural healing. after i said that to him (not the shut up part) he said, "yeah, how's that working out for ya?" yeah, shut up ....

my neighbor told me the other night that i'm like Job in the bible. she's not the first person to tell me this and quite frankly, i really wish ppl would stop comparing me to Job. he kept his faith in papa god regardless of what the devil threw at him, or his friends said to him. he was amazing and frankly, i don't really measure up. someone this morning said that i would be happy in the lord even if the healing never came -- and they r right, but that doesn't mean that i don't expect it to come -- or that i give up hope of it coming. let's be real about this -- to say that u'll be happy even if it doesn't come is a cop out -- its like saying well, i believe that papa god will heal me and yet i don't. i expect that he will heal me -- period. duh!!! i have put all my trust and faith in him and it doesn't waiver when there is pain, i don't shake my fist at the sky and ask him y he's putting me through this -- i just trust and love him because i know he loves me. how much more simply can i put that -- the pain i feel has nothing to do with him -- the love i feel from him has everything to do with him. pain or no pain, i still love my papa god!

my daughter is back from being with her dad for the last week+. i think she's happy to be home. i'm happy to have her home, but it made me realize while she was gone, just how much i'm going to miss her when she's away at college. sooner or later i have to let go -- but i know its gonna be hard. probably for her too -- although she'll have lots of new adventures and friends to make -- so that will make the time easier for her. she says she'll call me every night, but i don't expect that and its ok if she doesn't because i know she has to move forward with her life.

minute details -- big picture

i admire ppl who know their bible history backwards and forwards -- who understand every aspect of what is written there and the time frame; ppl who can quote u scripture (book and verse) at the drop of a hat. frankly, most of the time i'm just lost and i tend to read the bible as if its a good story (some books better than others, obviously).

yesterday i had lunch with some friends. before we sat down we started talking about the current book of the bible that our church is reading (ezekiel). the woman who had graciously opened her home to us was talking about trying to figure out where this story falls in the grand scope of things (because if ur not aware, the books in the bible are not arranged chronologically). she was showing us all sorts of information and pulled out about 6 bibles. it was really fascinating. but see, she really studies the scripture and gets the whole picture. whereas, i never was very good at history and honestly, does it really matter what came first, the chicken or the egg.

to some ppl (probably this woman and my dad most likely), it really does matter. when i listen to my dad talk about different aspects in the bible, i'm just amazed. not that it really helps me to understand things anymore than i did before -- truly. i am looking at these books and saying, what lesson am i supposed to learn from this? i'm not saying, gee, where does this fall on the time scale and what was going on in the time period.

maybe this is naive of me. maybe i should be taking more of an interest in what was going on. i mean there is scripture to point out the fact that many will hear but some will not understand:
Luke 8:10 NIV
He said, "The knowledge of the secrets of the kingdom of God has been given to you, but to others I speak in parables, so that, " 'though seeing, they may not see; though hearing, they may not understand.'

so then it makes me wonder, am i meant to be one of those who doesn't understand. actually, what i really wonder is, does it matter if i don't understand the time frame that something happened or can't remember the sequence of events or all the names and the order of those names in a lineage or what the name of a particular king was at a particular time. will remembering or knowing any of that help me to get the true message behind what is written?? somehow, i doubt it, but maybe that's just my warped mind trying to make me think its ok not to know this stuff backwards and forwards like other ppl do.

here's my thing -- i can take a particular piece of scripture and i can find god's love there -- love for all of us. i can see god's heart in passages like isaiah 58 -- i can understand his sadness when he sees that his ppl will not obey his law and ignore what he has said, seeking only religiosity and nothing else. where does remembering lineage or time scale fit into that - where is the importance? idk

the best thing would be if i could remember everything, understand all the time frames, etc., along with getting the message -- but for some reason, my brain doesn't seem to be able to retain the minute details. i can't quote u scripture by book and verse. most of the time, if i haven't marked it in my bible, i can't tell u where it is, but most likely i'll be able to tell u the meaning. what's more important?? idk

being able to point something out or back something up with the actual place in the bible where that point is being made, is really an asset sometimes because it just solidifies the point ur trying to make. its like the bibliography at the end of an article citing all the places where u can go to check out the facts as they were presented in the article. its back up information. so for me, i can't provide that when i'm speaking to someone about the bible; so i have no way to prove that what i'm saying is true. from that aspect -- its not a good thing.

i can't say that my brain does much better in retaining all things in my own life either. i mean, i have crystal clear memories of certain things growing up -- but they r just snippets in time -- not full movie length versions of each year. some things i remember really well -- other things not at all. what was important to my head at the time seems to stick to me -- what wasn't, falls away. and i feel like that is true for reading the stories in the bible as well. what's important sticks and sticks really well. what doesn't add to the message's importance, seems to fall away.

idk, i'm still feeling my way through the bible. i haven't read every chapter -- but some chapters i've read multiple times (mostly in the new testament). being raised in a conventional church setting, we were never encouraged to read the bible on our own -- only listen to snippets on sundays -- whole stories during special times of the year (christmas, easter, pentecost). i remember my mom sitting and reading her bible every morning. i wish i could say i do the same. sometimes i feel like a bad christian because i don't have a set schedule in that regard -- not even for prayer. i read when i want and pray when the need is there and give thanks for all the blessings that papa god has bestowed upon me. maybe that does make me a bad sort. idk

i only know that papa god loves me and wants to love on all his ppl if they would just let him. that there is such a need in this world for ppl to start caring about one another. and my thoughts on how wondrous papa is rn't going to be amplified by remembering time frames or lineage names.

misery loves company??

i'm currently in a blue funk. a lot of things have contributed to this funk, but the one that sticks prominently in my mind is what's happening at my church. i laughingly use the word "my" because deep down, i know this church is not where god wants me to stay.

i love papa god, and most of the time i do trust him -- but idk what to think right now. it isn't just what i'm sensing while i'm there -- its what i'm hearing from others and the way they have been treated. how can christians say they are christians when they treat each other so badly. we're supposed to love one another, not bash each other about and judge each other till the cows come home.

the worst part is that attacks on me have begun and being the "i'd like everybody to like me" type, its hard for me to be so misjudged. i was even told by the self-appointed facebook "police" from our church that i'm on facebook too much and that all my stuff is "out there for everybody to see". um yeah, no, because i restrict what can and can't be seen by the general public, but w/e. i didn't realize until just a couple of days ago that this person saying that to me has made me not want to write anything or blog about anything. and that's probably one reason i'm feeling so blue.

i used to write a lot. then i got married and was miserable -- most of my writings went into my journals because it was so private -- and the internet wasn't the prevalent place it is now -- there was no such thing as a blog. i did have a column in a small local paper for a couple of years. then somewhere along the line, i stopped writing altogether -- it was just to painful to put it on paper anywhere. i didn't start writing again until i got my divorce and then i was unstoppable. but i've allowed the words -- the wounding words -- of this ONE person in my church stop me from doing something i love doing -- all because i want to be accepted by man....

just when i think i have gotten past this need for verification of my life from man -- something comes in and smacks me (that's the enemy, btw, dragging my old man out of the closet and throwing it at me). it makes me realize that there is a part of me that still perhaps wants that -- that there is still a gaping hole in my heart that wants filling and somehow i feel that man can do that. but the reality is that man is imperfect and can't fill the hole and won't fill the hole because in their own woundedness, all they want to do is wound others, not help them. they want others to feel as wretched as they do so that they won't have to be the only wretched person on the planet. as someone reminded me yesterday -- hurt ppl, hurt ppl.

and this is something that i have begun to see as a trend in churches. all these christians feel like they need to be wretched and downcast because y idk?? i admit that there were times in my life when i was miserable too -- but mostly it was because of circumstances and feeling like god didn't give a hoot about me or my circumstances. i've come to realize that that is NOT the case -- he cares a lot -- its just that sometimes the choices we make, give little room for making things work out right. but somehow god takes even the most awful of circumstances and uses them for good.

at any rate, i can't let this funk continue because it will only drag me down and out -- i don't want to be a miserable christian. i've said this before. i want to be the salt and the light -- to shine god's love so brightly that others will say, "i want that". i firmly believe that we don't have to be downcast and wretched as christians. that was never what papa god intended for us. and by being that way, it makes other ppl say -- y would i want to be a christian if i'm going to be miserable all the time.

i also realize that my old man was killed off when i accepted christ and i need to stop letting the enemy drag him out of the closet and jiggle him around in front of me. that is not who i am any more -- i'm a new creation in christ. and it will take heavy armor from god to keep the enemy at bay with this because he knows its pushing buttons.

i started feeling more and more like i really don't care what other ppl think. i never thought i would get to that point. but this last bout has made me realize even more that the one that i care the most about what they think is papa god. he's all that matters. i must be doing something right for the enemy to be coming against me so strongly. but i know with papa god by my side, i can do anything. the joy i feel when i think of him with me always is overflowing and if it bothers other christians because i walk around with a smile on my face, that is their issue and not mine. i don't need to be miserable and wretched -- papa wants me happy. that's not to say there won't be times when circumstances weigh me down -- but it doesn't mean i have to stay in the hole and wallow around there. papa can bring me back out into the sunshine. i need to keep my eyes ever on him.

Someday is Today

someday you will be loved....

last night i went to a financial aid for college meeting at my daughter's school. everything was fine until my ex showed up -- with his girlfriend in tow. i got to see them huddled at the back table -- heads together, chatting, laughing. it was nauseating to say the least. my daughter lamented that he might as well have not bothered to come.

in my head, i understand y he came and y he came with her (her daughter is in the same grade as mine). i can logically deduce all this. but it was emotionally tearing.... and here i thought i was over it.

it got worse because after the meeting i went to chat to two friends i hadn't seen since my store closed and paula asked me how i was and i said i was fine till my ex showed up with his girlfriend and she said, "oh, that's odd". whereupon the other friend said, "no, not really, he's dating _______'s mom". so people know and that makes it worse....

its always one step forward and two back it seems. and i can beat myself up over what i'm feeling, but the reality is that its not even that i want to be with him -- its just that i don't want to see him with other women because its just a reminder of how it all ended -- with another woman.

i can't dictate to him who he dates or when he dates or even where he takes them -- but common sense would say -- or should say -- to him that perhaps a school meeting where his daughter will be isn't the time or place. he has never cared about my feelings -- but shouldn't he care about her's.

so i went to bed with this weight hanging over me and this morning i woke up with the song "someday you will be loved" in my head and i couldn't shake it all morning and ended up playing it on itunes -- just to get it out of my head (i know that will make no sense to anyone, but its how my head was working this morning).

the reality is this -- that i am loved -- and deeply -- by father god. nobody could ever love me as much as he loves me. it will never be as good with anyone else as it is with him. i don't have to do anything to win his love -- its already given freely. i don't have to look a certain way -- its an unconditional agape love. so i don't need the song to tell me that someday i will be loved when i'm loved right now, right here, in this place.

and the other great thing about papa god's love is that he will never disappoint me -- he is the most faithful -- i can trust him with all my heart not to hurt me. how could i ever want more than that.... and all this junk in my head right now -- this is the enemy pushing buttons. i just need to keep my eyes on papa -- the greatest lover of all!