so yesterday i went for my scheduled physical therapy appointment (just one day after being in the MRI machine). after i had been suitably tugged, pushed and twisted -- she let me look at my MRI scans. pretty amazing technology they have there. they had taken scans from several different angles -- all without moving me once. i got to see my shoulder from the top down, the side in and the front and back in.
the pics were pretty telling and as the PT said, i will probably need surgery (more thoughts on this in a minute). the rotator cuff is completely torn and the muscle that the runs down from the top of the shoulder to the arm bone is "sloughing off" -- her words -- not mine -- and look "weird" (again, her word not mine). but as we all known, i'm not normal -- never have been so y should i think that a torn rotator cuff on my body would be anything but weird??
so i got this news and on the drive home my head is like digesting the thoughts and pretty much saying i don't wanna have someone cutting me open (been there and done that awake for a c-section -- not really treasuring the idea of doing it while asleep). i'm a lot older now, things that can happen on the table (operate on the wrong arm, crash while under, u get the general picture). so i started to freak (well, cry, but to me that's pretty much freaking). i had the radio on to the only christian station in the upper valley (and its range stinks but that's another story). and this song is playing -- the girl is singing that she will believe in the sun even when its not shining, keep her eyes on papa, etc. i'm like -- ok -- i get it -- but i'm still scared.... then another song comes on where the guy sings, we cry out, ur beloved needs u now -- and i'm hello -- u hit me once, i get it!! really i do. but i wanna talk to someone in the natural.
so i go to my friends' house and they lovingly allow me into their home even though i'm sort of falling apart. and we talk and pray and they set me back on the path to keeping my eyes on papa and what he wants to do here. i leave feeling so much better and i know that papa has been with me the entire time -- through the PT, through seeing the damage to the shoulder, through helping me drive to my friends', leading me to them for comfort in the natural, he was with me through all of it. he already knew the damage done, he is already healing it -- i needed the MRI for proof of the damage so when the healing comes i can have true fact-based testimony to give to his healing powers. it was awesome -- after everything was said and done to look back and see how he had been there and guided, and held me through all of it. how could i believe anything but the fact that i will be healed by him -- not by a surgeon -- but by papa god's healing power on me.
i've had a lot of angst lately -- and i've let it sometimes rule my day -- consume my sleep at night. that's not having trust or faith in papa god. that's letting the enemy get a foothold and try to take me out. i'm not going to let him. he has no power or authority over me. papa is an amazing daddy and i know he wants to provide for all our needs, we just need to pull aside our stupid silly pride and let him.