back to my roots ...

my father's side of the family is from ireland ... with a last name like dougherty you would have to know that. so this past st. patty's day i went to a corned beef and cabbage dinner put on by my pastor. several ppl contributed something, but i decided i needed to contribute traditional irish soda bread.

what most of us think of as soda bread isn't really traditional soda bread -- its more like a cake. true irish soda bread has no sugar or eggs or fruit of any kind. it's basically flour, baking soda, salt and buttermilk. and this is exactly what i used.

i rolled out the dough on my enameled table (see story below), and used my flour wand (that metal contraption on the table which is used to lightly flour the surface) and baked the bread on my pampered chef stone cookie sheet...

when it was done it wasn't pretty but it was a heavy dense bread and i just knew it would be awesome for sopping up the juices from the corned beef and cabbage.

when i went to the dinner, the pastor's husband and a few others gathered around as i was cutting the bread and putting it on a serving plate. there was a lot of discussion about what was considered traditional irish soda bread and the differences between what we see in the stores and what would have actually be made in an early irish home -- what supplies would they have had to make their bread.

the best part was when we all sat down to eat together -- many of us had irish roots and being able to break bread together was so much fun. there were lots of stories told, lots of laughs and that made for an incredible st. patty's day experience!

come to the table ...

i realized the other day that i had sort of forgotten about this blog. a lot has transpired since the last time i wrote -- too much to even begin to tell you. but i'll start with my latest "project". now you have to understand that i love old things. i have a lot of antique furniture pieces in my tiny little apartment. some my parents refinished, some i refinished. my grandmother's red ruby is mostly packed away but is about to make an appearance -- as is my great grandmother's blue willow. and mostly this need to unpack these treasures came from an item i brought back from PA in december.

my daughter and i made a trip after christmas to see my dad and while i was there we visited a couple of antique stores. i fell in love with a cute little enamel hoosier table (which is a marriage and if you're not familiar with what a marriage is ... ask and i'll explain), but since i have no room for a hoosier cabinet and very little counter space to roll out dough, a hoosier table is the perfect happy medium for my little place.

so i bought the table (a steal at less than $65 after a discount and with sales tax added in). we brought it home (it fit perfectly in my tiny little honda fit with all our luggage packed around it).

at this point, i got it into my head that i wanted hoosier chairs (which we had had in my house growing up -- why didn't they hold on to them???) to go with the table. i would refinish and paint them white and my daughter the artist could reproduce the design from the table on the chairs. thus, began the quest to find the chairs.

now what you have to know is that if i weren't looking for these specific chairs -- i would have found them in a heartbeat. but because i was looking for them i either couldn't find them or would stumble upon some antique place that had "just sold a couple of those chairs a few days ago". it was painful. but i finally found four chairs that were similar but not identical enough to just give me that quirky look i wanted.

two of the chairs were easily sanded and painted (i say easily, but really, it was a tedious and back breaking job) because they were in natural finish. i actually hated painting the second one because when i had sanded it i discovered that the spindles were tiger maple. but i charged on because i had already painted one of them white.

unfortunately, the last two chairs (one painted an awful yellow -- and that was probably the 5th or 6th coat of paint) and one that was partially stripped and ugly as sin -- have proved to be my undoing. the yellow one has a structural issue that will render it unusable -- so it's probably going in the trash, unless i can figure out a way to fix it without paying a ton of money ... (and since none of these chairs cost me more than about $10-$15 each it wouldn't be worth it to spend a lot to fix one). and the partially stripped one, well, let's just say that the stripper that was recommended to me (spray) didn't work very well and it's still partially stripped. it may be that it never gets completed.

however, in the meantime, i have two beautiful white chairs awaiting my daughter's return from art college in order to paint the design on them. i'm excited to unpack my grandmother's red ruby and great grandmother's blue willow, set my table and have my children together for dinner at my "new to me" hoosier table and chairs.

my mother's apron

my mother's apron -- how it has survived all these years is beyond me. i have a photo of her wearing it when my brother was a baby (he turned 60 this past january). it was christmas time and they were sitting on the floor near the tree; my father playing some toy saxophone; my brother in his greenish overalls reaching for the silver tinsel on the tree; my mother looking on; her curly dark hair held back with a comb. it's an amazing photo capturing a moment in time.

and i still own the apron; i use it when i'm washing dishes or cooking a meal and yes, it looks like it's 60 years old and has seen better days. but it was my mom's and wearing it makes me feel close to her ...


how is it that a piece of cloth shaped and sewn into an apron could give such a feeling to me? i feel the same way about the ruby red pitcher that was my grandmother Daugherty's. i don't use it very often, but i know she used it and when i hold it in my hands, i am reminded of the person who's strength and character formed the little boy into the man who became my father. i am reminded of the stories told about her by her children over the years. i never knew her, but yet i did, through those stories, and holding that piece of red glass in my hands and knowing that her hands touched it as well, gave me some comfort.

and when i sit at my oak library table, i am reminded of the woman and the man (my parents) who refinished it so lovingly and allowed me to use it for years as my sewing table. it is now my desk. several times ppl have made some comment about taking it from me because of its beauty. it's a heavy piece, not easily moved -- even two strong young men will struggle with it -- but my parents moved it from the auction house to their home and there refinished it; rubbing the tung oil into its pores to bring out the natural beauty of the wood with their own hands.

we're not supposed to hold onto material things, things of this world, because we can't take them with us when we die. i can't help but feel some attachment to these items for the memories they evoke and the connections to ppl (some i knew in this world and others i know only through stories) whom i love dearly. it's not that i want to take them with me when i die -- no, i want to leave them here for those who come after me to touch and live with and use and feel those connections as well. but life now is so modern and full of minimalism that i know for some this seems like just junk that needs to be tossed out for what is new ....

i have a friend on facebook who takes old items -- things that ppl have discarded -- and she refurbishes them ... brings them back to life .... to use in her home in extraordinary ways. i applaud her for putting so much work into the old and savoring the beauty that she can see under the dirt and years of wear. i love the fact that something that someone long ago used and loved is being used and loved again. another person is putting their mark on it ... a new connection is being made ...

emotional investment ...

i hate goodbyes ... basically, saying goodbye to the people you love is like getting stabbed in the heart. and i sometimes wonder if every time you say goodbye to someone you love and get "stabbed in the heart" is what weakens one's heart over time. it's an interesting thought.

i've had a crazy week/month/beginning of the new year. not about to go into all the muddled up details of it. just suffice to say that right now stuff is not all great. it's not all bad, but it could be better -- and let's just leave it at that.

i have my second batch of little preemie outfits to take to the hospital. my first batch was 12 little sweater/hat/mitts/booties sets and then a couple of just hats/mitts/booties as well. this batch was a little more difficult. there are three afghans, three presentation pockets, three burial/baptism outfits, and then nine of the sweater/hat/mitts/booties sets.





















the part that was tough was doing the burial outfits and the presentation pockets. i wanted this project to concentrate on sending home healthy babies and that's why i chose brightly colored yarns for the projects and had blessings prayed by my pastor and fellow church members over all the outfits. but i knew from talking to the coordinator at the hospital and in the past having sewn little burial gowns that there was a need for those items as well. but working on these little items knowing how they will be used is heart breaking to me because i'd want to see all the babies go home healthy and thriving. so i had to intersperse making these little items with making the brightly colored items so that i wouldn't become depressed and quit altogether.

idk why i put so much of myself into the things i do. i get so invested emotionally that sometimes it takes a toll on me. i can't imagine how father god does it .... he loves us all so much and he invests so much into us and then to have us do the wrong thing or turn away from him or worse yet, curse him when things aren't going the right way -- idk how anyone can sustain such pain and not collapse under the weight of it all. but that's the difference between us and father god. we're human and, as such, we can only tolerate so much pain and disappointment before we crumble. he is father god, almighty and our strength and shield. we can't even comprehend his power most of the time.

these last few weeks of turmoil in my life, i've had a couple people talk to me about my faith and "grace" under the worst of circumstances. it's not mine -- it's father god's -- holding me and shielding me from the worst of it. if it were mine alone, i would falter, and fail, and collapse under the unbearable weight of it all. thankfully, i do not have to travel this road alone, and i am always aware of his presence in my life -- especially in the worst of the trials.

target ads ....

become a teacher in 1 YR!

become a social worker

check yourself tank top

huge sale! fits pandora


i'm on this other social networking site that will go unnamed coz i feel like it gets enough publicity as it is. at any rate, when u are tooling around the site looking at ur friends' pages up pop these annoying ads, but that are supposed to be "related" to things i've posted or interests i might have expressed to have, etc. and this morning i stopped and paid them some attention. the four listed above were the ones that caught my interest. but not for reasons u might think.

the first two r interesting because i'm currently looking to taking a job working in a daycare for teen moms. i've always been interested in children (babies, toddlers, youth, teens, young adults) and often will be the one adult in the room who gravitates to the youth in the room just to find out how life is treating them and see if there is anything i can be praying about, advice i could give, attention i could pay (u'd be surprised how many teens just want someone to listen to them and pay them some attention -- it makes a world of difference). so it was fascinating that this social networking site would pick up on this.

the latter two ads were puzzling to me. first of all, i'm not young anymore and i'm not shapely and i don't wear tank tops -- so why they would feel like i would be interested in this is beyond me. and the pandora thing, well, that just doesn't interest me at all, although i do make jewelry.

i wonder how they choose which ads to put up for u to see -- who is sitting there making this decision -- or is it all computer generated??? if it is computer generated then where did the idea that i would have an interest in tank tops and pandora bracelets come from? they certainly do NOT know everything they need to know about me ... and that's probably a very good thing ...

stay alive, drive 55

i'm about to turn the speed limit. for those of u who don't drive the speed limit, let me just remind u that its 55, double nickels as the truckers call it. so yeah, i'm about to turn 55.

its weird coz i stopped celebrating birthdays when i was around 40. its just another day now. like any other day. and part of the reason i stopped celebrating it when i did was because that particular birthday a whole slew of really crummy things happened to me and i decided it was as good a time as any to stop "celebrating" because it wasn't really a celebration. i mean after all, what r we really celebrating -- the fact that we haven't died yet?? that about sums it up if u ask me ...

so here comes 55 and i have to work that day and will probably have to drive my daughter back to college after work (which means i probably won't get home till after 10pm) and well that just shoots the whole celebration concept all to u know where ...

and really i might celebrate more if i was turning the age my dad will be (85) because then there really is something to celebrate (although i think he stopped celebrating his birthday a while ago too and since i'm not near him i can't make a cake for him, not that he'd eat it anyhow but that's another story).

but there is this part of me that sits here in amazement that i'm 55. its like -- how did this happen, more importantly, when did it happen ... because it doesn't seem all that long ago that i was a kid wishing my life away -- wanting to be 16 (so i could drive) or 21 (so i could drink -- which i still don't do so it was a wish wasted). but as i got closer to 30 i started to think, hey, wait, this doesn't seem so great coz i don't even have children yet and then when i did and 40 was looming large i wanted to slow things down so my kiddos would stay small just a tad longer and then menopause happened (early) and i was like, well, isn't this just the pits. and then i got divorced and well, the rest, as they say, is history.

and at a time when most ppl r thinking about what they will do during their retirement in 10 years, i'm sitting here thinking about how can i get a job when i haven't had one in 3 years and what is to become of me if i can't ... and that's enough to sober anyone... or make them want to start drinking just to try and mask the reality behind it.

so if i were a drinking person, i'd raise my glass to the last 55 years (even if they weren't all diamonds i am certainly blessed by my two beautiful children and my most amazing friends and papa god is keeping me near and dear) and perhaps say a prayer that i last at least another 55 ....

warm the preemies project...

so a couple of weeks ago ... right before christmas ... i was making a new baby hat with a new pattern ... only it didn't turn out to be very big and i couldn't figure out what i had done wrong ... and then papa god put this thought in my head that i should be making hats and outfits for the preemie babies at the nearby hospital.

now i used to sew little burial gowns for the preemies who didn't make it when i was part of the UMW, but that was always with the thought that the babies that used them would be the ones who didn't make it. and although i knew that those little gowns were very much appreciated, it wasn't something i felt i was supposed to do.

i only had a little bit of baby yarn left over from making some baby blankets and wasn't sure how i was going to make this project happen when i have no job and no income. so i put it on facebook that if anyone wanted to donate a skein of yarn, they should lmk and that i would appreciate bright colors. before i knew it i had several ppl sending me money for yarn. i hadn't asked for money, i had asked for skeins of yarn, but these women sent me money and said to buy what i needed. it was confirmation that papa god wanted me to do this...

i set up an account in my quicken to keep track of the incomes and outgoes, and went to buy yarn. imagine my surprise when i had coupons and yarns i wanted were on sale. i was able to get more yarn than i would have been able to -- and i did that on two separate shopping trips -- not just one. so instead of spending $75, i would be spending less than $50 ... again, another testament to the favor papa god was putting on this project.

i've been crocheting like crazy since then and my goal is to get quite a few outfits done and then take them to my church to have them blessed before delivering them to the hospital. and i won't stop there -- i have so much yarn that i will continue to do this until i run out ... but i have a feeling i won't run out, because i have a feeling that papa god is blessing this project and i will keep doing it for not only this teaching hospital, where most of the preemie and NICU babies end up, but also another smaller local hospital as well. i know that papa god is in this project and it makes me feel good to be using my god-given gifts to do this for papa.

chatty cathy revelations

my daughter and i went into the card store a few days ago in search of the perfect ornament for someone special. one of the traditions in our family is to give an ornament to each other every year. my mother started this tradition and i've continued it to the point that when my children leave their respective nests to build their own elsewhere, they will have at least one large box of ornaments (perhaps two). and of course, half the fun is in the choosing of the ornament -- something special to represent each distinct personality. every year when i decorate my tree and pull out my ornaments from others, i am reminded of the year they were given, the person who gave it and the special place each person holds in my heart.

so as we were looking through the ornaments at the store, i happened upon a chatty cathy doll ornament complete with a string to pull to make her talk and was suddenly transported back in time to when i got my chatty cathy doll and what eventually happened to her. i know that hallmark has done an excellent job of recreating toys from my past (barbie, radio flyer wagons, lionel trains, madame alexander dolls, gumby, to name a few), but it was a surprise to see chatty.

she had been one of my favorites as a child because she would talk to me -- sometimes when no one else would. face it, as a parent i've learned how difficult it is to keep several balls in the air simultaneously and still give a child the amount of attention they deserve or need. so i understand better now why sometimes my parents couldn't pay attention when i thought they needed to. but as a child u just start to think that maybe there is something wrong with u and perhaps ur just a figment of someone's vivid imagination -- well, at least that's what i did. so chatty became my confidant. i told her stuff i didn't tell anyone else. and she responded -- ok, she responded with canned responses but when ur 5 or 6 that doesn't really make a difference.

probably one of the saddest days as a child was when she got broken and we won't even discuss it because its not pretty. but her leg was broken off and her chatter box stopped processing the phrases correctly and she was reduced to little more than gibberish... it was devastating to realize that i wouldn't be able to have conversations with her anymore when she would respond in some coherent manner -- even if it was only with canned responses. and so she got relegated to the toy box with the plastic cushioned seat and all the circus animals on the outside and i grew up not giving her a whole lot of thought through the years because as i got older my mom became my best friend and the one i could talk to about anything.

until the day i saw the chatty cathy ornament and realized that i was missing my old "friend". missing ... something .... i figure i've been missing something for a while now. i miss my mom ... as i always do at this time of year ... i miss talking to her about things that are going on in my life. i have other friends and as my daughter reminded me yesterday when we chatted briefly about me perhaps moving, that i can make friends easily. but the thing is, i would miss my old friends. i would miss the easy way we chat about things, how there is never any judgement. that advice is given gently. support and encouragement come naturally and isn't forced. i can be who i'm supposed to be with no mask to hide the "sins of the past". that all takes time and energy to build that trust with someone. do i have that in me to do again? to redo my life for what feels like the umpteenth time.

my daughter said she's pretty "flexible" and "wouldn't mind a change". but she's young and can adapt easily (as she has proven by going off to college and settling in so readily) -- as i did so many years ago. i'm not so sure i can now. sometimes i'm scared by what is ahead. i have friends who have travelled all over the world to countries i can't even fathom myself going to, and i realize that i'm stuck in my need to have things planned out. that's why now, this period of time in my life, is so frightening to me -- because there is no plan, i can't see how the pieces will come together and it scares me and the only thing that keeps me grounded is papa god -- as he always has these past 6+ years. still, i long for the simple time of being a child, not having to think too much about how to make a go of it, not many worries in my life and playing with chatty cathy.

addendum to the pothole story

very very early this morning as i was laying in bed, i was talking with papa god and was thanking him for all the blessings he gives me, but i was struggling financially and he knows this so its not like i'm telling him anything he doesn't already know, but i just needed to say it out loud. and could he please direct me to the job i'm supposed to have so i can apply for it (coz quite honestly applying for all these other jobs and either hearing nothing or being rejected after an interview is starting to wear me down). and like always, i thanked papa god for loving me so much to take care of me and how much i love him and ended by reciting the lord's prayer. my conversations with papa r sometimes short and to the point ... no real need to drag it out with a bunch of flowery speech coz he knows it all and just wants us to have the conversation with him in the first place.... and when i was done i laid there and tried to think of things i had that might be worth something that i could maybe sell to help me out of this mess (the list was VERY short). but as i fell back asleep i distinctly felt like i was supposed to trust papa god to take care of this one ...

so if u have read the previous note on potholes, u know that i had a "little" car issue. well, i've been waiting to hear back from the insurance company about my car but this morning the phone rang and it was lonny from gerrish honda and he said, "your car is all done and ready to be picked up". and i said, "ok, so how much do i owe?" thinking that i would need to wait to hear from the insurance company to pay for it. to which he replied, "its all paid for." I said, "excuse me -- by whom? how did that happen?" to which he replied, "I'm just supposed to tell u that God loves u".

i immediately called amy because she had said she would give me the money when she got her child support check, and i had told her no, but amy sometimes doesn't listen and goes ahead and does what amy wants without thinking twice about it. but amy swears that it wasn't her -- that for once she listened to what i said. did my towing angel come to my rescue again? did the methodist church pay for it? did one of my friends who read my testimony about the events of that day pay for it? idk -- but i want to thank them for their generosity and caring. they r truly angels on this earth and its awesome testimony to the power of papa god and how much he loves all of us that he would take care of the financial car problems of one seemingly insignificant person by bringing so many angels into the mix.

angel on earth -- whoever u are -- thank u for stepping out in papa god's word and helping me. i know that papa god will bless u mightily for taking care of the "least of these" and blessing me in this way. blessings ....

note to self: avoid the potholes ...

u may ask y the title. even if u don't ask y -- i'll share my experiences from yesterday ... bear with me -- it has a happy ending ...

i was on my way to work -- which i do twice a week for about 2.5 hours -- i work with a small autistic boy and his mom. its not much, but it helps to put gas in the car and milk in the fridge so i'm not complaining at all and very grateful for it. i tend to be an "early bird". if i have to be somewhere i end up leaving a lot earlier than i need to and then take my time getting there and yesterday was no exception. turns out it was a good thing i did leave early because what happened ended up leaving me stranded and unable to get to work -- thus, necessitating the need to call for back up.

at any rate, its about a 7 mile drive from my house to this little boy's house and when i was within a couple of blocks i heard this huge bang and then scraping of metal on pavement and figured i had blown a tire, which came off the rim. luckily, i was on a small town street and only doing about 25 so i was able to pull over quickly. i got out of the car and when i saw what had happened, i have to admit (ashamedly) that i said, "What the f**k!" -- and i was right in front of a montessori school yard full of children. but this was one of those times when the f-bomb was almost certainly warranted as my tire on the front passenger side was sitting 90 degrees in the wheel well. and completely off the axle. it was an interesting, albeit confusing site.

as i stood there and thought about who i could or should call first, i started to shake and cry -- for lots reasons ... first of all i thought about all the recent long distance trips i had made to my daughter's college -- either to go get her or take her home or take a friend to visit ... imagine if this had happened during one of those interstate trips. as a friend aptly put it -- i would be hamburger along the side of the road. second i thought of the almost $1,000 engine work i had had done not more than a month ago and wondered it if was all for naught -- would the car be drivable, would i have the money to even have it fixed. how was i going to get it anywhere to have it fixed, i don't have AAA -- can't afford it -- and certainly can't afford to pay someone to tow it. and thirdly, no car means no job -- even if it is only two afternoons a week -- its something. plus, i still have the remnants of one car payment left to pay. so its not like its altogether mine yet.

first i called a neighbor to come and get me, then i called my son who lives just up the street (but who, unfortunately was on his way to class and couldn't stay), and then i just stood there crying and saying, "papa god must love me a lot because i could be dead". (yes, sometimes in the moment i can be a bit dramatic but in this instance it could be true.)

now all of this happened in front of the church i used to go to a long time ago. and out of this church came a man i did not know and he asked if i had towing on my insurance and i said i didn't know -- because at that precise moment i didn't know much of anything i was so upset. and he said if i didn't that he would take care of it with a credit card (note: this sort of stuff happens to me sometimes -- i chalk it up to papa god coz what else could it possibly be that strangers run to help me in this way). he stayed with me the entire time and followed us all over to the dealership and indeed, did pay the entire towing bill ($212). after a little while, my ex pastor came out and she gave me a hug and stayed with me and when her little daughter got off the school bus and saw me crying, she handed me the kleenex she keeps in her backpack for occasions when she gets a nosebleed and kept telling me it would all be okay. angels sometimes come in human form -- in case u didn't know this.

so i'm waiting at the dealership to find out the verdict and am told that the ball joint sheered off and they have never ever seen this on a honda and certainly not on a CRV (which is what i have). and i'm just left standing there saying -- well, isn't this just the way my life path goes??? ha ha and did i hit a pothole or something and well, rn't there just a ton of potholes all over the area i drive on a regular basis and yes i did and well... u know .... i try to avoid them, but obviously i'm failing in this regard. turns out i will need a new ball joint and a new axle because it bent the axle when it broke and then they will have to do a front end alignment and we're looking at $540. i say, "i don't have any money" -- which is partially true -- i have exactly $46 in my account right now -- so i do have SOME money but certainly not enough to fix the car. and my neighbor (who has graciously come to pick me up and had the gas to do so because that very morning someone had given her $20 for gas -- yet another papa god thing) asks if they can store the car till i have the money and she'll drive me to my work, etc. whereupon the service guy says, "well, u bought the car, from us didn't u, so that entitles u to a free loaner." yes, another papa god intervention. and hands me the keys to a much newer version of my car only in white with all the bells and whistles.

and in the midst of all of this, my daughter calls me from school concerned, because evidently her brother called her father (my ex) and he called her and told her. another god intervening moment ....

and it turns out that perhaps this might all be covered by my insurance since i hit a pothole and sheered off the ball joint ... and i have ppl offering to help me foot the bill for the repairs if it doesn't. and when the census taker came to my door in the middle of a phone conversation with the person who backed me up at work (who offered to swap days with me so i wouldn't lose my hours this week -- yep, u guessed it -- papa god), i started talking about how papa god had intervened and he was amazed. so i saw an opening and shared my faith story with him. to which he said, "that is amazing and i'm so glad u shared that with me because i've had a not great day and that story is just so uplifting." (yep, papa god)

so even in the midst of the crummiest things, papa god steps in and rearranges things and makes it a blessing. because i was blessed on many levels by many ppl yesterday... more than i can even count. and it awes me just how much papa god loves me to take care of me as he does. and i could boo-hoo (and i have) about how lousy my life circumstances r right now -- but in the end it all comes around to the fact that papa god loves me and takes care of all my needs -- and who could ask for more than that???

nothing i can do ....

some things in life u just can't do anything about. they just have to run their course and nothing u can say or do will make a difference. right now today is one of those times and the feelings that my daughter is experiencing at the sudden death of her beloved cat, Charlie, is one of those things ....

yesterday morning my ex called. i wasn't expecting him to call me and by the tone in his voice i could tell that there was something serious going on. i almost dreaded what he was about to say. he said that there had been a tragedy at his house that morning. i knew it wasn't our son james because he would have been more upset than he was, so i figured it had to be one of the two cats we had.

maki -- our older cat -- is a tiger kitty. we got him at the local humane society. he's talkative and likes to be held and petted and take over ur lap or ur bed. he's loyal. the time i was having issues with my inner ear he would lay on the bed with me and when i got up for something he would follow me there and back. he didn't want to leave my side. from what i hear, he's still that way, but i don't get to see him much at all now that sammy has gone off to college. he's older than charlie by a couple of years, so obviously my first thought was of maki.

charlie was very much sammy's cat. she picked her out at the humane society. we brought her home and she cried and cried or hid. i told sammy if she kept it up we might have to take her back because obviously she wasn't fitting in well with maki and our family. but soon she let it be known that she was the boss. she would chase maki around and around the apt. until he would jump up on the counter to get away from her. she, however, was not much of a jumper. she had a bit of a pudge... but she was a sweet little calico girl and sammy taught her how to raise her paw for treats or just to be petted. charlie was the second thought ...

and of course, with that thought came, oh my, sammy's at college, she doesn't know, how will this affect her.... her father wanted to go down today and tell her face to face. i thought it was better to bring her home and tell her here and let her spend the rest of the weekend here surrounded by the ppl who love her and could support her during her grieving rather than being left alone in a dorm room. since she had expressed a desire to come home this weekend, but had been unable to because of a school commitment in the early afternoon, i had an excuse to call her and tell her i was going to come and get her and bring her home. her father made me promise not to tell her -- he wanted to tell her -- face to face. so i picked up my excited and happy child, knowing all the while that soon her world would be shattered and sad...

as we got close to home, i told her she should call her dad, which she did, and he told her over the phone (something he'd said he didn't want to do) while i was driving. the ability to comfort her was hindered by the need to keep the car on the road and blink my own tears out of my eyes. she said she wasn't there to hold her and she just wanted to hold her (as i knew she might), but her beloved kitty was at the vet's and would not be able to seen until monday at the earliest but she needed to go back to school today and wouldn't be back till thurs. so it would be a long time and she wouldn't be the same after all that time. we got to the apartment. we sat and talked about charlie. she looked for photos of charlie. i found photos i had taken and emailed them to her. we talked about what she wanted to do now. bring her home and bury her, have her cremated, etc. did she still want to see her, maybe it would be better to remember her as she was. then she called her father and he came over. and we discussed what should be done now.

she wanted to watch a happy movie but while we waited for Princess Diaries to come on, she switched the channel and there was cats 101. she decided to watch it and we would discuss the similarities to or differences from charlie and maki. and what about maki? even though he fought with charlie -- they had their moments when they would nuzzle each other's faces or lick each other. he had been walking around the house looking for charlie, probably wondering where she had disappeared to because she liked to hide. probably thinking that she had done a damn good job of hiding this time since he couldn't find her. how much did he understand??? would he miss her??

today sammy went to her father's for the first time and broke down. i expected it -- she would look around for her kitty and it would sink in that she wasn't there. it was just a reminder that she had died. i remember this feeling when my mom died. i remember thinking, it was all a bad dream and i would walk through the door and she would greet me and kiss me and hug me and tell me how silly i had been to believe that she could die. of course, she didn't greet me and there was no reassurance. she was very much gone and it was so evident when i walked through the door. sammy was feeling that today. and i couldn't stay to comfort her because i had to go to work. and would it matter if i had stayed because what can i say to take away the pain she is feeling right now?? what can i do to make her feel better?? nothing. and all i can do is pray for her and be here if she wants to talk or cry or watch some movie to cheer her up. it won't make the pain of loss any less. so its truly one of those times when i can do nothing ...

RIP charlie girl ... u will be greatly missed ...

letting go of the stuff

my daughter came home from college for the the labor day weekend. it was great having her here. she helped to finish moving the last bits from the old apartment and then helped me to clean it and get it ready for the inspection on tuesday. she leaves today to go back to college.

it seems like a lot of the stuff in our lives is an "adventure". a couple of days before i went to get her, my exhaust system decided to develop a hole in it that is making for an interesting drive. it sounds more like a race car or a souped muscle car than the sedate little CRV i'd like it to be. obviously, there is no money to fix that right now ... so i have to live with it. but it made the 1.5 hour drive (one way) to get my daughter and the drive back with her loud. we turned up the radio and talked a bit louder in order to hear each other. and the stares from the ppl standing on the street in the city she's at were a little unnerving. it reminded me though that there were times when i would hear someone's loud exhaust and think, u really should midasize that. i wonder if ppl think that about me now when i drive by.

the new apartment is "coming along". its finding a place for everything that is difficult. and yesterday i went to make scalloped potatoes for lunch and realized that i had sold the only pan i had that would accommodate them... oh well ... i improvised and we did just fine.

the other thing i did yesterday was to put away the huge portraits of my ancestors in their gilded (but flaking) frames. however, in the process of doing so i ripped a hole in one of them. two of these pictures don't have the glass any more -- probably a good thing knowing me with glass items -- which would have protected this picture had it been present. at first i was like, i hate my life, and then i was like, well, i didn't really like their picture anyhow coz they looked mean. plus, what little i knew about them said that i wouldn't have liked them in real life anyhow ... so what did it matter.

but it got me to thinking about all the stuff i've carted around from place to place that has little to no meaning to me -- like these portraits. who are these ppl?? what were their lives like. idk a lot about them and honestly, i'm tired of carting this stuff around. is this how ppl's old tintype photos end up in boxes at antique markets??? relatives just get tired of hauling around photos of ppl they don't know and have no one else to pass it on to who is even the least little bit interested???

its difficult for me to say this because i am a scrapbooker and i had a store dedicated to that for years and told ppl how precious these things were. and now here i am confessing how much it bothers me to have to move my own dead relatives' portraits from apt. to apt. -- especially when each consecutive apartment gets smaller.

a friend came over last friday while i was cleaning and sorting and she commented on all the little pictures i have scattered all over my house of my immediate family and how at some point she was going to inherit this very same sort of thing from her mother and she was not relishing the idea. i feel sorry for my kids when i die -- they'll have to deal with all this stuff.

if this move has taught me anything at all, it has taught me that i need to start letting go. but where do i do that. with my great grandmother's blue willow china, the old portraits, the new photos. that's my problem ...

two women + strong emotional bond + separation = blubbering

my daughter and i spent the better part of the last two days packing boxes, moving them three doors down, and unpacking them. our nerves have been frayed beyond belief. we just spent the last hour or so packing the car to take her to college and not everything fit and she had to call her dad who came over and got some of the stuff. tomorrow will be a difficult day if today's emotional breakdowns r any indication ... who's idea was this college thing anyhow. surely tearing children away from their parents at such a tender age is not a good thing -- well, probably not for the parents. i'm a mess ... and just to be sure -- i'm taking a box of kleenex with me in the car because i know the ride home tomorrow will be very hard ...

a state of flux ....

so today i went to the housing office and asked if the new apt. was done and could i have the key so we could move in the daughter's things and as much other stuff as we could. it was and i ended up with key in hand. my daughter starting moving her things and a couple of neighbors and their children helped me with some of the other things. we managed to get quite a bit of stuff moved -- although there is still a lot more to go.

it was hard though coz all i kept thinking was, i don't get to spend the time with my daughter and its sad coz she goes off to college on sunday and then who knows how long it will be till i get to see her. idk. i guess i should be happy because she got so much done today and its stuff i won't have to try and "guess" at (which books go where, etc.). but still ....

the old apt. looks weird and the new one doesn't seem quite 'right' yet coz it doesn't have all its pieces. plus, all the preplanning i did for where the furniture would go at the icovia space planner site didn't quite work out the way i had planned so we had to make some adjustments already. i don't know what this means for the rest of the stuff that gets moved this week ... so keep ur fingers crossed that it goes well. i just want to be settled so i can "get on with my life" ...

cha cha cha changes ....

i've decided that this blog is becoming less about my business and more about my transitions ... so i've changed the name of the blog and a few other things and i hope u'll bear with me in this venture. i'll still have the ads for the business (although right now my artfire and etsy shops are on vacation till i get settled again). so yeah .... thanks to the faithful who keep hanging in there with me ....

skirt folds ....

its almost 8 am. i've been up since just a few minutes before 5 when the "stay overnight boyfriend" of one of the neighbors down the complex fired up his motorcycle -- which is probably the loudest motorcycle on the planet if u were to have asked me at 5am.

i should be packing up the apartment. they have started to clean the other one that i'm moving into -- which means it won't be long now. but i'm waiting on my daughter to finish packing up her room and using the boxes she wants before i start the rest of it because i know it will be hard to find boxes in the sizes she needs in the short time we have left together.

i'm also procrastinating a bit in the hope that some deserving person who needs only a 2 bdrm will come along and they will move them in rather than me. that's wishful thinking on my part, but whatever. my neighbors (in this particular building) don't want me to move. we were all comrades in arms when the issue of renovations came up so there is this bond that they feel is being torn apart because i'm moving into the next building over (where most of the ppl were content to let the renovations happen without much argument -- although it didn't stop them from riding our coat tails to the hotel).

i'm still trying to adjust to the fact that my daughter is going away to college and i'll be alone while living in a new apartment. i don't mind the new apartment so much -- its an opportunity to rearrange furniture -- but doing it on the heels of sending the child away is just too much stress for one person. then there is the issue with the ex. he was making noises that my vacation ends with her today and that he should have her tonight and tomorrow -- even though she isn't finished packing. i basically said he'd had 17 days with her and if i got 17 days with her that takes us right up to when she leaves and that he hadn't given me this same opportunity when the son had left for college. he didn't respond. he doesn't know what to say when confronted with his own goofy vacation math. of course, i'm letting him have her because quite frankly, i'm tired of the fighting and glad that after this i won't have to any more. she can make her own choices and verbalize them just fine ...

i also need to find a regular job, with regular hours, and regular pay, and hopefully benefits. but i think this won't materialize until after the move because there is just too much on my plate right now. and i'm ever thankful that papa god is carrying me through all of this because i would probably be a real mess (institutionalization comes to mind) if he didn't. and its wonderful to be able to keep coming back to that when the messies come running at me. its like a little child who is at once curious and frightened and will take a step forward and then run back to hide behind the safety of their mother's skirt folds. idk what i'd do without papa god in my life ... i don't even want to think about it ...

leaning on the everlasting arms ....

so the daughter is leaving for college on sunday and she's in the midst of packing up stuff to take. then she has to pack up the rest of her belongings because at some point after i drop her at college, the housing authority is moving me to a smaller (2bdrm vs 3bdrm) apartment.

there's a lot going on in my life right now and i have to keep telling myself that papa god has me in the palm of his hand. if i don't do this, i will surely fall apart and i can't have that.

the last week or so things have not been great. i had these expectations for the vacation with son and daughter and of course, most of them were not fulfilled. as a matter of fact, a lot of stuff fell apart royally that i'm not sure can be mended, unless papa god takes control of it.

then we come back (and that's a whole other story in itself that i would prefer not to delve too deeply into), and i have to deal with not only packing up and moving my daughter to college, but packing up my entire apartment to downsize. its not without some really weighty emotions.

see my daughter has only ever lived two places in her lifetime. one was the apartment where her father and i moved into when i was pregnant with her and where he still resides, and the apartment that we currently live in where i moved after the divorce 6 years ago. so for her its like, "i'm going to college and when i come home it will be to some place i don't recognize". for me its like, "u go away to college and while ur gone, i'm left in an unfamiliar apartment all by myself". i become an empty nester in a new nest -- and its not even of my choosing -- either of them ....

at the end of the month i lose child support and will be living on the $75 a week i make doing respite care with an autistic boy. obviously, that will have to change and i'll have to find a real job -- something i have been seeking for a while and which has been unsuccessful.

now things seem at their worst -- i mean, i've possibly lost one child (son) through miscommunication and clashing of personalities and i'm about to "lose" another to college life -- i suddenly feel like the old spinster lady -- childless and alone. and i'm about to become poorer than dirt -- if that's possible and i'm going to have to pack and move my stuff to a new place. my ex husband is taking some of my vacation time -- the last before she goes away --with my daughter because he thinks he can even though he's already had more than his fair share of vacation with her earlier this summer and once again, i'm letting him. so its now when i need papa god's grace and comforting arms to hold me.

last night my neighbor came over and was basically trying the "snap the heck out of it" tactics on me and i finally said to her, "u know, i'm allowed to grieve -- a lot of this stuff just happened in the last week. i'm pretty sure papa god would allow me time to grieve. its not a prerequisite of being a christian that we're supposed to be 'holding it together' 24/7." i'm sure it didn't make her very happy, but that's the reality of it. just because we're christians doesn't mean that things will be wonderful all the time -- as a matter of fact it might be worse since the enemy will do all he can to turn us away from god. but we don't have to pretend that we're "fine" when we're not and we don't have to wear a smiling mask to cover up whatever pain is inside us. god loves us through all of it and the more real and genuine we can be the less surprises others will have when things don't seem to be going wonderful for them.

so yeah, i'm leaning big time on papa god right now and i'll keep leaning on him. because we're in a relationship -- he knows me and loves me and wants to take care of me. and i'm going to let him. there's not a whole lot i can do on my own -- and right now, i don't want to do any of this without him.

Charm City Cakes and Baltimore ...

so yesterday was not a good day. it started off with me getting into my son's new car and accidently hitting his arm and spilling some soda in the cup holder. then the kids and i drove to baltimore to go to the baltimore museum of art. i have to admit that part of what happened was my fault for not double checking to see when the museum was actually open. it is, just for general info, not open on mondays or tuesdays -- but who would think that it would be closed both days. but i digress.

because it was tuesday the museum was closed. which we didn't find out until after we'd parked and gone in -- and unfortunately, when u park in their lot, u get a ticket and then u have to pay to get out of their lot. so $6 later we decided to walk the .4 mile to Charm City Cakes -- which is, if ur not familiar, the place chronicled in the TV show Ace of Cakes. its a favorite of mine. we didn't see anyone from the show and couldn't look in the windows even because they were covered in black plastic (boo hiss), but we did manage to take photos of us standing outside of it.

of course it was hotter than blazes and the walk basically took a lot out of this 54 yo woman and when we got back to the car, the son got on his iphone to see what other things we might do. see the museum was free -- and since i don't have a lot of money and will have even less come sept. 1, it seemed like a good idea, which it would have been had the museum been open or i had done my homework.

at any rate, son said that most of the free or inexpensive things to do looked boring or stupid. so we called my dad (who didn't answer the phone) to see if he had any other suggestions. then we went to the nearest wendy's for lunch -- which happened to be in a really crummy part of baltimore -- so the kids got to see places that maybe they wouldn't have ordinarily. and then dad called and he said that other than inner harbor he couldn't think of anything.

so we went to inner harbor -- where the parking was outrageous (and tiny little spots) and walked to the actual harbor. we had dissed the idea of going to the aquarium (at $30 a pop -- well, i said i would pay it but the kids nixed the idea since they know i have no money) and walked around to this funky art museum -- which costs half as much to get in. however, at this point, i was too exhausted from the heat to make it the whole way and crashed on the bench. the kids (who, let's face it -- rn't really kids anymore at 22 and 18) decided they really didn't want to see the museum and so we walked back around to urban outfitters (which is where my daughter wanted to stop at).

it was cooler in the mall and i was able to buy three bottles of water at $1.60 a pop (and that didn't include tax) and talk to the nice guy about the fact that he should put an "a" in Donte's special since it was as hot as hell outside. he laughed and said that was a good one. i also got to sit on the marble edging to the stairs -- which was nice and cold. we went to a store that had charm city cakes mugs, etc. and other cheesy baltimore memorabilia and purchased some stuff to bring home and then walked back to parking lot, paid $13 for the parking and left to come home.

of course, we got stuck in some going home from work traffic. that makes for an interesting drive when ur tired and hot. and none of this would have been smooth had it not been for the navigation capabilities of my son's iphone -- so for that i'm very grateful. no getting lost -- like we did when we went to philly years ago. but i tried to make the best of a really crummy situation and failed miserably. i'm sure my kids will remember this as probably one of the worst (if not the worst) vacations they ever had with me. and the son will probably forego vacationing with me ever again.

the thing is that when i go on vacation i don't HAVE to do anything or go anywhere special. i could be content just sitting and relaxing and enjoying whoever else happens to be there. there was a time (when the kids were smaller) when we felt this need to take them to all sorts of places and do all sorts of things. but i don't have the money for that any more -- haven't for a while -- and so i can't keep it up. perhaps its my fault for setting a precedence with them for the need to go and do all those years before the divorce. i try to make the time happy, but frankly, they want to go and do and r bored otherwise. sitting and talking with their grandfather and hearing his stories of growing up don't hold the attention like say shopping or sight-seeing would.

i'm not perfect in this vacation planning stuff. sometimes i just run out of ideas -- esp. when the issue of money is concerned. i'd love to take them to ireland or disney world or whatever, but i know its not gonna happen. i just don't have it. and the fact of the matter is that as i get older, its getting harder and harder to keep up with them physically when we do go places. i thought i was going to pass out yesterday from the heat and the distance, etc. so yeah .... i just don't know. perfect vacations r becoming a thing of the past... and maybe its time for that because they r both going in their own directions now and soon won't want to do the joint vacation thing. it was nice while it lasted ...

the heat, books, travel .... dreaming .....

its hot here -- like 95+ with just about as much humidity. we're in the middle of a heat wave and i chose (purposely) not to put the A/C in the apartment this year. the housing authority charges an additional $20 a month (per A/C unit) to do this. that was $20 extra a month that i don't have. but that's only part of it -- the other part is that i don't understand the increase -- they say its for the increase in electrical usage. but see, i take issue with this because we have electric (yeah, i know, don't get me started on this either) heat -- which, obviously, is not being used at all during the summer. and our appliances (stove) r electric, and we're running them less in the summer because of the temperatures. at any rate, my feeling is that since we're not using electricity for the heat, we can't possibly be using $20 more a month for electricity for the A/C -- but whatever. so we're running 9 fans -- now u tell me -- what is using more electricity than my nine fans?? certainly NOT my new A/C unit which was rated highly for less consumption of electricity ... but whatever....

at any rate, its not the A/C -- or lack thereof, that i wish to expound on today. when its hot, i tend to not do much moving around. i mean, literally, i could lay in bed the entire day reading. which is sort of what i did this morning. i've been working on this book (eat, pray, love by Elizabeth Gilbert) for a couple of weeks now, and today i finished it. i've read one other book by her and liked it, and then i saw that this one was being made into a movie -- with julia roberts -- so i figured i better read the book before hollyweird (as my father likes to call it) ruins it totally (which, if ur avid reader of books that then get turned into movies u'll understand).

so, this morning i didn't really have anything to do or anywhere to go (like i do this afternoon) and i decided to go back to bed with one of the nine fans blowing over me and finish the book (i was like 2/3 of the way finished already). and finish it, i did. and now i wonder just how badly hollyweird will botch the movie making.

when i read books like this one, i think about how when i was younger i wanted to be a novelist and journalist and travel around the world and write and have all sorts of wonderful experiences that would be fodder for my next novel. obviously, if u look at my life, this is NOT what happened. i never got to travel (truly, the one time my passport got stamped was because i begged some crossing guard in canada to stamp it, even though he insisted that it was not necessary since i was an american -- and that was 20 some years ago before 9/11). i mean i've been across the US (flying or driving it doesn't matter) and i've seen lots of interesting places when moving from PA to NJ back to PA to TX to NH to NY to FL and back to NH -- and i have made a point to try and check out all the local bits of interest when we've lived in all those places. but its not the same as going to italy, india or bali -- at least not in my mind -- which were all the places that Liz went to in this book.

most of her travel was an attempt to "find herself" and to become one with her creator. i know who i am in papa god's eyes. that doesn't always translate well into who i am in my own eyes -- if u understand what i'm saying. and i certainly don't need to travel to far away places to discover who i am -- but it would be nice to travel just the same.

my daughter and i have two piggy banks that we put our change into. one is strictly quarters and the other is dimes. we return all our cans (and those of our friends who know we do this) that we can for 5 cents each and that money usually goes into the piggies -- although lately its gone into the gas tank more than into the piggies. i digress -- we have said that this money is our "go to Ireland" money. meaning that some day when there is enough there, we will travel to Ireland -- the land of my ancestors (well some of them) and visit the O'Dougherty (no, they don't spell it like that over there but who cares) castle in Buncrana, Ireland. somehow, i don't see this ever happening ... i could yet be proved wrong, but it seems like most of the time when it comes to dreams or desires of my heart, they don't materialize in quite the fashion i had imagined. and no, i won't go into all the details of past desires.

so i can live vicariously through the adventures of ppl like Liz in books that have been written and imagine what it would be like to travel there, live there, love there. on a super hot summer day -- its the best way to spend the time!

rainy day graduation ...

my daughter's high school graduation is today -- well this evening actually -- and it looks like its going to be a rainy one.

one thing you have to know is that the high school that she goes to does not have an auditorium. until we came here, i had never heard of such a thing. all three high schools that i attended have their own auditorium and when i graduated from the third one, it was in the auditorium. my brother graduated from high school in an auditorium as well. so the fact that this school didn't have an auditorium was just so foreign to me.

for drama plays and musicals and any awards ceremonies they always used the local opera house, but its not big enough to accommodate all the ppl who come for a graduation. its barely large enough to accommodate the graduates and their parents, let alone all the family and friends who would come to a graduation.

so the high school sets up two places for graduation -- the gym and the football field. obviously, everybody prays that the weather holds so that the graduation can be held on the football field because it can hold so many more ppl -- thus, lots of friends and family can come and watch the ceremonies. however, if its a rainy day, they will move the ceremony indoors into the gym -- which then means that each graduate is given 4 tickets for their family members. this might be ok if there were not a lot of siblings or two sets of grandparents and u know in this day and age of divorce, there r lots of mixed families so then we have step parents, etc. even in our own family -- four tickets means that her father, me, and her brother and grandfather r for sure, but her grandfather's girlfriend has to stay behind. although ppl might want to come, they can't and those that can get to sit on backless bleachers for 2 hours listening to speeches and waiting for the opportunity to see their loved one receive their diploma.

so here we are. graduation day. the kids r at the high school right now rehearsing outside in the rain and cold just in case that the rain breaks and the ceremony can be held on the field. they had the inside rehearsal yesterday when the weather was really nice, which left me scratching my head and saying, why didn't you do the outside rehearsal on a day when the weather was nice so the kids were not standing around in the cold and wet and have the inside rehearsal on the rainy day, but then i'm not the principal, so that's not my decision to make .... and of course, the forecast for tomorrow is sun ... so you know there's this part of me that thinks -- just postpone it a day ... but they won't because they hold this huge project graduation party for the grads from 10pm to 4am of the evening of graduation ... so yeah, postponement won't happen...

this aside, i have to say that the school goes through this EVERY year at graduation time. 4 years ago when my son graduated it was the same deal -- and we sat in the spitting rain for 2 hours because ppl wanted to make sure they could accommodate all the family and friends who had showed up for the ceremony and that was ok -- not great, but at least everybody could come. so knowing that at least for the last four years (and i'm guessing more years prior to 2006) they have had to deal with this very same issue -- it kinda makes u wonder -- how come they haven't made moves to try and fix this issue?

all i know is that my daughter -- my baby -- will be graduating tonight and i will either be sitting with the ex, my son, my father and his girlfriend in the rain and cold trying to protect my digital camera so that it will still function when the time comes to get pics of her walking in and getting her diploma or we'll be sitting on hard backless bleachers in the gym with one less person (the girlfriend) and hoping that we're near an end to even get any sort of picture at all... it should be interesting, but either way -- my baby is graduating .... and that is cause for celebration no matter what mother nature throws at us ....