Monday, August 23, 2010

leaning on the everlasting arms ....

so the daughter is leaving for college on sunday and she's in the midst of packing up stuff to take. then she has to pack up the rest of her belongings because at some point after i drop her at college, the housing authority is moving me to a smaller (2bdrm vs 3bdrm) apartment.

there's a lot going on in my life right now and i have to keep telling myself that papa god has me in the palm of his hand. if i don't do this, i will surely fall apart and i can't have that.

the last week or so things have not been great. i had these expectations for the vacation with son and daughter and of course, most of them were not fulfilled. as a matter of fact, a lot of stuff fell apart royally that i'm not sure can be mended, unless papa god takes control of it.

then we come back (and that's a whole other story in itself that i would prefer not to delve too deeply into), and i have to deal with not only packing up and moving my daughter to college, but packing up my entire apartment to downsize. its not without some really weighty emotions.

see my daughter has only ever lived two places in her lifetime. one was the apartment where her father and i moved into when i was pregnant with her and where he still resides, and the apartment that we currently live in where i moved after the divorce 6 years ago. so for her its like, "i'm going to college and when i come home it will be to some place i don't recognize". for me its like, "u go away to college and while ur gone, i'm left in an unfamiliar apartment all by myself". i become an empty nester in a new nest -- and its not even of my choosing -- either of them ....

at the end of the month i lose child support and will be living on the $75 a week i make doing respite care with an autistic boy. obviously, that will have to change and i'll have to find a real job -- something i have been seeking for a while and which has been unsuccessful.

now things seem at their worst -- i mean, i've possibly lost one child (son) through miscommunication and clashing of personalities and i'm about to "lose" another to college life -- i suddenly feel like the old spinster lady -- childless and alone. and i'm about to become poorer than dirt -- if that's possible and i'm going to have to pack and move my stuff to a new place. my ex husband is taking some of my vacation time -- the last before she goes away --with my daughter because he thinks he can even though he's already had more than his fair share of vacation with her earlier this summer and once again, i'm letting him. so its now when i need papa god's grace and comforting arms to hold me.

last night my neighbor came over and was basically trying the "snap the heck out of it" tactics on me and i finally said to her, "u know, i'm allowed to grieve -- a lot of this stuff just happened in the last week. i'm pretty sure papa god would allow me time to grieve. its not a prerequisite of being a christian that we're supposed to be 'holding it together' 24/7." i'm sure it didn't make her very happy, but that's the reality of it. just because we're christians doesn't mean that things will be wonderful all the time -- as a matter of fact it might be worse since the enemy will do all he can to turn us away from god. but we don't have to pretend that we're "fine" when we're not and we don't have to wear a smiling mask to cover up whatever pain is inside us. god loves us through all of it and the more real and genuine we can be the less surprises others will have when things don't seem to be going wonderful for them.

so yeah, i'm leaning big time on papa god right now and i'll keep leaning on him. because we're in a relationship -- he knows me and loves me and wants to take care of me. and i'm going to let him. there's not a whole lot i can do on my own -- and right now, i don't want to do any of this without him.

No comments: