Sunday, February 20, 2011

emotional investment ...

i hate goodbyes ... basically, saying goodbye to the people you love is like getting stabbed in the heart. and i sometimes wonder if every time you say goodbye to someone you love and get "stabbed in the heart" is what weakens one's heart over time. it's an interesting thought.

i've had a crazy week/month/beginning of the new year. not about to go into all the muddled up details of it. just suffice to say that right now stuff is not all great. it's not all bad, but it could be better -- and let's just leave it at that.

i have my second batch of little preemie outfits to take to the hospital. my first batch was 12 little sweater/hat/mitts/booties sets and then a couple of just hats/mitts/booties as well. this batch was a little more difficult. there are three afghans, three presentation pockets, three burial/baptism outfits, and then nine of the sweater/hat/mitts/booties sets.

the part that was tough was doing the burial outfits and the presentation pockets. i wanted this project to concentrate on sending home healthy babies and that's why i chose brightly colored yarns for the projects and had blessings prayed by my pastor and fellow church members over all the outfits. but i knew from talking to the coordinator at the hospital and in the past having sewn little burial gowns that there was a need for those items as well. but working on these little items knowing how they will be used is heart breaking to me because i'd want to see all the babies go home healthy and thriving. so i had to intersperse making these little items with making the brightly colored items so that i wouldn't become depressed and quit altogether.

idk why i put so much of myself into the things i do. i get so invested emotionally that sometimes it takes a toll on me. i can't imagine how father god does it .... he loves us all so much and he invests so much into us and then to have us do the wrong thing or turn away from him or worse yet, curse him when things aren't going the right way -- idk how anyone can sustain such pain and not collapse under the weight of it all. but that's the difference between us and father god. we're human and, as such, we can only tolerate so much pain and disappointment before we crumble. he is father god, almighty and our strength and shield. we can't even comprehend his power most of the time.

these last few weeks of turmoil in my life, i've had a couple people talk to me about my faith and "grace" under the worst of circumstances. it's not mine -- it's father god's -- holding me and shielding me from the worst of it. if it were mine alone, i would falter, and fail, and collapse under the unbearable weight of it all. thankfully, i do not have to travel this road alone, and i am always aware of his presence in my life -- especially in the worst of the trials.

1 comment:

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