Charm City Cakes and Baltimore ...

so yesterday was not a good day. it started off with me getting into my son's new car and accidently hitting his arm and spilling some soda in the cup holder. then the kids and i drove to baltimore to go to the baltimore museum of art. i have to admit that part of what happened was my fault for not double checking to see when the museum was actually open. it is, just for general info, not open on mondays or tuesdays -- but who would think that it would be closed both days. but i digress.

because it was tuesday the museum was closed. which we didn't find out until after we'd parked and gone in -- and unfortunately, when u park in their lot, u get a ticket and then u have to pay to get out of their lot. so $6 later we decided to walk the .4 mile to Charm City Cakes -- which is, if ur not familiar, the place chronicled in the TV show Ace of Cakes. its a favorite of mine. we didn't see anyone from the show and couldn't look in the windows even because they were covered in black plastic (boo hiss), but we did manage to take photos of us standing outside of it.

of course it was hotter than blazes and the walk basically took a lot out of this 54 yo woman and when we got back to the car, the son got on his iphone to see what other things we might do. see the museum was free -- and since i don't have a lot of money and will have even less come sept. 1, it seemed like a good idea, which it would have been had the museum been open or i had done my homework.

at any rate, son said that most of the free or inexpensive things to do looked boring or stupid. so we called my dad (who didn't answer the phone) to see if he had any other suggestions. then we went to the nearest wendy's for lunch -- which happened to be in a really crummy part of baltimore -- so the kids got to see places that maybe they wouldn't have ordinarily. and then dad called and he said that other than inner harbor he couldn't think of anything.

so we went to inner harbor -- where the parking was outrageous (and tiny little spots) and walked to the actual harbor. we had dissed the idea of going to the aquarium (at $30 a pop -- well, i said i would pay it but the kids nixed the idea since they know i have no money) and walked around to this funky art museum -- which costs half as much to get in. however, at this point, i was too exhausted from the heat to make it the whole way and crashed on the bench. the kids (who, let's face it -- rn't really kids anymore at 22 and 18) decided they really didn't want to see the museum and so we walked back around to urban outfitters (which is where my daughter wanted to stop at).

it was cooler in the mall and i was able to buy three bottles of water at $1.60 a pop (and that didn't include tax) and talk to the nice guy about the fact that he should put an "a" in Donte's special since it was as hot as hell outside. he laughed and said that was a good one. i also got to sit on the marble edging to the stairs -- which was nice and cold. we went to a store that had charm city cakes mugs, etc. and other cheesy baltimore memorabilia and purchased some stuff to bring home and then walked back to parking lot, paid $13 for the parking and left to come home.

of course, we got stuck in some going home from work traffic. that makes for an interesting drive when ur tired and hot. and none of this would have been smooth had it not been for the navigation capabilities of my son's iphone -- so for that i'm very grateful. no getting lost -- like we did when we went to philly years ago. but i tried to make the best of a really crummy situation and failed miserably. i'm sure my kids will remember this as probably one of the worst (if not the worst) vacations they ever had with me. and the son will probably forego vacationing with me ever again.

the thing is that when i go on vacation i don't HAVE to do anything or go anywhere special. i could be content just sitting and relaxing and enjoying whoever else happens to be there. there was a time (when the kids were smaller) when we felt this need to take them to all sorts of places and do all sorts of things. but i don't have the money for that any more -- haven't for a while -- and so i can't keep it up. perhaps its my fault for setting a precedence with them for the need to go and do all those years before the divorce. i try to make the time happy, but frankly, they want to go and do and r bored otherwise. sitting and talking with their grandfather and hearing his stories of growing up don't hold the attention like say shopping or sight-seeing would.

i'm not perfect in this vacation planning stuff. sometimes i just run out of ideas -- esp. when the issue of money is concerned. i'd love to take them to ireland or disney world or whatever, but i know its not gonna happen. i just don't have it. and the fact of the matter is that as i get older, its getting harder and harder to keep up with them physically when we do go places. i thought i was going to pass out yesterday from the heat and the distance, etc. so yeah .... i just don't know. perfect vacations r becoming a thing of the past... and maybe its time for that because they r both going in their own directions now and soon won't want to do the joint vacation thing. it was nice while it lasted ...

crazy vacation chain of thought ...

my daughter and i stayed at a friend's house for three days (two nights) house/puppy sitting. we've done this before and its usually been for a week. but this time it was only three days, so we decided not to sleep in the king sized bed but sleep out in the livingroom on the sofa and various other chairs. actually, i decided this because i didn't want to have to strip the king-sized bed, wash the sheets and struggle to remake the king-sized bed. i did say that it was king-sized, didn't i? lol

we always like these little getaways from the every day. its like having our own home -- for a week. the interesting thing is that right now with all the stuff that is happening at our subsidized living quarters, this little "vacation" was a Papa God gift!

unfortunately, i got sick -- sore throat and fever. it was enough to make me uncomfortable and wishing for my own bed and sleep. so when i got home last night i figured i could sleep in today -- since we're on school vacation. that didn't happen because they r doing construction work (well, actually its destruction work) and the diggers were out there bright and early at 7am making a ruckus and shaking the earth. i'm not a sound sleeper -- so, i didn't get to sleep in.

with all the mess that is going (and about to go on) here, it makes me wish for a place of my own. a place i could call my home. i can't call this place my home. when i was talking to my brother about all the stuff that was/is about to happen here he suggested that i either move to texas or to PA to be nearer my dad. he called it "home". i wrote back and said, "you don't get it. i don't have a home -- anywhere". and that, in a tiny neat little nutshell, is the problem.

i'm stuck in my "entitlement" (as i have started to call it) because i don't make enough money to live anywhere other than the streets. i'm stuck bowing to whatever they want to do here (like ripping out old fiberglass insulation in tiny little kitchens without taking proper precautions and injecting cancer causing formaldehyde foam into its place). and i can't get them to not do it. i tried calling the city inspectors, the department of health and human services and the EPA (which obviously never listen to their messages because they never call me back). its like that song in the musical 1776 -- is anybody there? does anybody care? i'm pretty sure the answer is NO.

one of the city health inspectors said something along the lines of if u owned ur own place and wanted to have this done u'd have to put up with this. and, of course, my two-fold response is -- first of all i wouldn't be stupid enough to replace fiberglass with foam and second of all, if it was absolutely necessary (ie, mold), i would make dang sure that whoever i chose to do the work was certified to do it -- not just a friend of a friend of a friend -- if u know what i mean.

but i digress because really this whole point of this blog is that i have no home. i have no place to call mine. and there r lots of ppl who r in the same boat i am. my daughter recently had to fill out an application for a scholarship (which was run through the housing authority). the main question was "how has living in subsidized housing impacted your life". her feeling was that it hadn't -- either negatively or positively. because when we moved in here i explained to her that we were no better or worse than the ppl who lived here (even though some of them were dealing drugs and sleeping with each other's spouses -- no, i didn't actually say that), and that this was a roof over our heads -- that what made home was family. she asked me what she should write -- i only said, "do u want the scholarship?"

so now having said that home is where family is -- y don't i feel like i have a "home". one could make the case that its because i'm not with my brother and my dad and my kids 24/7 -- and maybe i'm nostalgic for the time in history when families didn't travel so far away for jobs and lives and sometimes even lived generations together in the same place. but its more than that. i do have a "life" here -- i have built a life here in this cold, sometimes unfriendly state, that my now ex dragged me back to over 24 years ago. i have made friends and have a church group, and there is support in many ways -- not talking financial here but more along the lines of emotional and spiritual.

so i ask the question again -- y don't i feel at "home" here -- y don't i feel like i have what it is i really believe is a home. i feel so displaced sometimes. like its not where i'm supposed to be. and will i know where i'm supposed to be when i get there or will i feel just as uneasy there as here. and yes, these thoughts have come up before -- but i think now more than ever i'm standing at the crossroads wondering which way am i supposed to go. and thinking too that i need to make the right choice this time and not screw it up like i have so many times in the past.

yes, one crazy strange little "vacation" started a whole chain of thought that can't even be truly formalized. is anybody there? does anybody care? does anybody see what i see?