manners???

so i've been thinking about the fact that no one in my immediate family seems to feel the need to communicate with me when they changes the plans. and i have come to realize that there r probably quite a few reasons for this. can anyone else relate to any of these:

1) i'm not worthy of notification -- truly the only ppl worth notifying of plans changing r good friends -- family don't count

2) y bother telling me because i have no life outside of revolving around theirs, therefore it won't be a big deal to me since i won't have had anything planned prior to or after their need anyhow

3) certainly i'll be able to read their minds because after all, i gave birth to them and have basically read their minds all their lives

4) its too much trouble to pick up their cell phone and push the speed dial button (their fingers r worn out from playing video games)


honestly, if i had changed plans and didn't let my parents know, i wouldn't be here to talk about this. even to this day -- even though i'm 53 and my dad is 83 -- if i didn't tell him when my plans had changed and it was affecting him and his plans, i probably would be disinherited. i thought i had done a good job of conveying to both my children the need for communication -- but obviously, i failed. after all, the eldest used to not show up for dinner on the nights he was supposed to be here and took little mind to actually communicating that with me -- so y should i expect anything less from the youngest ...

home???

this is a photo of one of the many homes i grew up in -- its vacant now and "dying" but i still have fond memories of it. ever since the two-week visit to PA i've been thinking about what is "home". my brother has it in his head to buy a home in PA to move to when he retires and wants me to live in it until he does retire. my father thinks its a great idea. i'm hesitant to even contemplate the idea for a lot of reasons, but my father and brother seem to think i'd be stupid not to take the deal.

on the outside it looks rather tempting. i get to use the house for however many years it could be till his retirement (3-7 r the numbers that have been bantered about) without paying any rent -- only paying for utilities. considering i currently don't have a job and that my daughter and i r living off of $650/month in child support (with no unemployment or food stamps) -- a child support that is likely to end when she goes off to college (or sooner if what her father tried to pull when her brother turned 18 in the middle of his senior year is any indication) -- having a place to live without paying for anything but utilities seems like a dream come true.

but all these questions started popping into my head -- like what happens to me when my brother and his family move into the house -- do i become homeless? and what do i do if i can't find a job down there to help me pay for the utilities (as well as food, etc.). and how will this impact on my daughter, who is about to go off to college (most probably somewhere in New England)? she wants to come back to what has been the only home (NH) she's ever really known. I can't blame her for that desire, on the other hand, if i'm in PA will she ever come to see me when she doesn't have any money to travel and i don't have any money to help her travel and we know her father isn't going to be forthcoming with money for travel -- esp. to see his ex-wife. plus there is my desire to go back to school -- possibly Bible school to become a youth pastor. how does that factor into this. i have friends here, but is there where i'm meant to stay.

in having a discussion with my father i was stating how it seemed like nobody was taking into consideration what i wanted -- that everybody had an idea of what was good for me without even consulting me. it was rather disconcerting to realize that at the age of 53 i was so incompetent to make a decision for myself that everybody around me felt they needed to make the decisions for me. my father pointed out that my children would marry some day and move away (much like i had done -- like i had a choice in this) and then where would i be. that i needed to stop living my life for my children (who says i am -- maybe i like the idea of being as close to my kids geographically as i can while i can). he also pointed out that "home" is where ur family is (hello, i have family here in the form of two children and a church family). my father said this was a way for my brother to help me. if my brother really wanted to help me -- there r lots of ways to do that -- like maybe giving me a low interest loan so i can consolidate my debts and get myself out of the mess i'm in. idk -- maybe i'm just expecting too much.

so i started thinking about what is really home and i remember that i read this book once called "home is where the heart is" -- and its true. my heart is with my kids and my church family and my friends. but is also with papa god and wherever he might take me. hey, i've moved around enough in my life to know that i can make friends wherever i go and hang onto the ones i have in different places (at least for a time). its becoming easier to do the latter with the internet and email and facebook. but the real issue here is, where is papa god going to take me -- where does he want me. and maybe that place isn't with my family (dad) in PA -- maybe that place is right here in NH or maybe that place is CA or Hawaii -- idk.

having someone trying to tell me where i SHOULD go isn't the same has papa god guiding me to where i am meant to be. and maybe that is what bothers me the most about all of this -- is that idk if papa god's hand is in this deal in PA. as much as i love my dad -- and my brother -- and i know they love me -- that doesn't mean that they have papa god's interests in their hearts. they could see this as the best solution, but maybe papa god has other thoughts. and as i told my dad, papa god's ways don't always mesh with man's so-called "logical" ones.

i only know that at some point papa god will show me where it is he wants me to be -- and until then, i'm reserving the right to not "jump" at this idea and to take the wait and see approach...

mi familia

two weeks ago was my family reunion in PA. we do this every year -- sometimes we can make it -- sometimes we can't. this year my brother got to come -- he lives in Texas, so its a big deal when he's here at all let alone for a reunion. the last reunion he came to was the year my mom died -- 21 years ago. so imagine the surprise on ppl's faces when they saw him there yesterday.

most of the time ppl show up at these things and we haven't seen each other for a year or more and there r so dang many of us -- my dad was the baby of like a dozen -- and we don't really know each other and we have to introduce ourselves all over again. then there is this sort of self-imposed "clique-ishness" that happens and idk y it happens but its kind of annoying how ppl push themselves into pockets and don't come out of the pockets to chat with others. this year, that didn't happen and it was kinda cool.

sometimes i feel like there r so many ppl at these reunions that they can't all be related to us and maybe they r just strays off the street looking to belong to a family. i mean, everybody needs to be able to say they belong to a family ... even the family of papa god.

this year we also all got to meet the great great granddaughter of a man who was my great great great grandfather's son -- and the brother of my great great grandfather. yeah -- confusing i know. there is some speculation that my great great great grandfather (john) came here from ireland -- although there is also speculation that he was born here to parents who came from ireland. we know where he is buried and so after the reunion we went to visit his grave (i'd never been there before) and there were a zillion daughertys there -- no lie!!! so i took photos of all the headstones -- many of which u can't read anymore coz they r so worn down.

when ur standing there looking at these names on these stones and realizing that somehow ur related to them its kind of overwhelming. u don't really know them -- sort of like the living ppl at the reunions -- yet there is a real sense of family connection.

i discovered that i had a great uncle who was a pastor and before that i had two great great uncles, and a great great great uncle who were all pastors. idk where their mantles went when they passed on coz my great uncle had a daughter and she didn't become a pastor and i also wonder how many other ppl in my family were pastors. it makes me realize though that my love of papa god was forged a long long time ago in ppl i don't even know.

watching ppl at the reunionß, seeing faces, i can see resemblances in them to the ones in the old photos from generations past that i put in my scrapbook. it isn't just looks that r passed on -- all the talents can be passed on as well. the artists and musicians who were in my family show up in my children and my cousins, and their gifts. all of that is passed down from generation to generation and needs to be cultivated and activated so its not lost. we can't afford to squander what gifts we've been given -- future generations can't afford it either. we need to be mindful and protect it and grow it to pass on to the next generations.