feeling sorry for myself

so i'm sitting here feeling sorry for myself. and u may ask y...

back in august i fell at Soulfest -- which is this like amazing three day Christian band event. it was only our second time going and this time we (my daughter and a friend of her's) decided to stay in a hotel and NOT sleep in the car (a rather wise move). but it turned out really crappy because it rained a lot and i didn't get to see the bands i wanted to see, and i was having issues with my daughter -- and then i fell.

it was my own stupidity. we got off the ski lift and instead of going around the roped area, i crawled through them like my daughter's friend did and my foot got caught in the rope and i fell -- onto the graveled parking lot. I ended up with gravel in my hand (and still bear the scars from that) and evidently i tore my rotator cuff.

well, a lot of things were happening. we were going to my dad's, school was starting for my daughter, then it was thanksgiving and then christmas and by this time my arm is killing me all the time and keeping me awake at night and everybody is yelling at me to go to the doctor's and get it checked out and i know i can't afford to go until AFTER i've had my physical at the beginning of this year -- so that the insurance will pay for anything i might need done, and if i needed surgery how was that gonna mess things up at home blah blah blah.... and i was reading all i could about what it might be and was pretty much convinced it was a torn rotator cuff because of how the pain presented itself when i rolled over onto it. and i was still trying to live (drive a car, shovel snow, do the housework, cook meals, wash dishes), even though it was difficult to get dressed or even wash my hair sometimes for the pain.

its not that i like pain -- i hate pain -- but the reality is that there isn't much they can give me to get rid of the pain either -- because when i had my first child by C-section they sent me home with no meds after three days because i couldn't tolerate what they had given me in the hospital. and i can be quite "stoic" sometimes when it comes to this sort of stuff and keep my mouth shut. its like, if i'm complaining about it, u know its hurting badly.

so last week i had my physical and after a lot of other nonsense (my blood pressure was up and mind they r taking it in the arm that is paining me but w/e), i was given a slip to get xrays and blood work and a referral to physical therapy. in the meantime, i can no longer take ibuprofen because it interacts with the new bp meds they gave me -- so i have one pain reliever alternative and that's tylenol -- which, if any of u have ever had this sort of injury, u know that tylenol doesn't touch it.

today was my first PT appt. -- really an evaluation of sorts -- and it appears that my shoulder is partially frozen and will require at least four weeks of twice a week PT, along with exercises to try and get it unfrozen and give me back some of my mobility and range of motion. and then they gave me an ultrasound treatment and i came home in pain and took tylenol and yeah -- u can guess the rest.

so i'm sitting here thinking how can i look for a job or even take a job when i can't move my arm and i'm in pain and yeah -- time for the pity party.

if anyone out there feels like praying for me -- i'd really appreciate it.