stay alive, drive 55

i'm about to turn the speed limit. for those of u who don't drive the speed limit, let me just remind u that its 55, double nickels as the truckers call it. so yeah, i'm about to turn 55.

its weird coz i stopped celebrating birthdays when i was around 40. its just another day now. like any other day. and part of the reason i stopped celebrating it when i did was because that particular birthday a whole slew of really crummy things happened to me and i decided it was as good a time as any to stop "celebrating" because it wasn't really a celebration. i mean after all, what r we really celebrating -- the fact that we haven't died yet?? that about sums it up if u ask me ...

so here comes 55 and i have to work that day and will probably have to drive my daughter back to college after work (which means i probably won't get home till after 10pm) and well that just shoots the whole celebration concept all to u know where ...

and really i might celebrate more if i was turning the age my dad will be (85) because then there really is something to celebrate (although i think he stopped celebrating his birthday a while ago too and since i'm not near him i can't make a cake for him, not that he'd eat it anyhow but that's another story).

but there is this part of me that sits here in amazement that i'm 55. its like -- how did this happen, more importantly, when did it happen ... because it doesn't seem all that long ago that i was a kid wishing my life away -- wanting to be 16 (so i could drive) or 21 (so i could drink -- which i still don't do so it was a wish wasted). but as i got closer to 30 i started to think, hey, wait, this doesn't seem so great coz i don't even have children yet and then when i did and 40 was looming large i wanted to slow things down so my kiddos would stay small just a tad longer and then menopause happened (early) and i was like, well, isn't this just the pits. and then i got divorced and well, the rest, as they say, is history.

and at a time when most ppl r thinking about what they will do during their retirement in 10 years, i'm sitting here thinking about how can i get a job when i haven't had one in 3 years and what is to become of me if i can't ... and that's enough to sober anyone... or make them want to start drinking just to try and mask the reality behind it.

so if i were a drinking person, i'd raise my glass to the last 55 years (even if they weren't all diamonds i am certainly blessed by my two beautiful children and my most amazing friends and papa god is keeping me near and dear) and perhaps say a prayer that i last at least another 55 ....

note to self: avoid the potholes ...

u may ask y the title. even if u don't ask y -- i'll share my experiences from yesterday ... bear with me -- it has a happy ending ...

i was on my way to work -- which i do twice a week for about 2.5 hours -- i work with a small autistic boy and his mom. its not much, but it helps to put gas in the car and milk in the fridge so i'm not complaining at all and very grateful for it. i tend to be an "early bird". if i have to be somewhere i end up leaving a lot earlier than i need to and then take my time getting there and yesterday was no exception. turns out it was a good thing i did leave early because what happened ended up leaving me stranded and unable to get to work -- thus, necessitating the need to call for back up.

at any rate, its about a 7 mile drive from my house to this little boy's house and when i was within a couple of blocks i heard this huge bang and then scraping of metal on pavement and figured i had blown a tire, which came off the rim. luckily, i was on a small town street and only doing about 25 so i was able to pull over quickly. i got out of the car and when i saw what had happened, i have to admit (ashamedly) that i said, "What the f**k!" -- and i was right in front of a montessori school yard full of children. but this was one of those times when the f-bomb was almost certainly warranted as my tire on the front passenger side was sitting 90 degrees in the wheel well. and completely off the axle. it was an interesting, albeit confusing site.

as i stood there and thought about who i could or should call first, i started to shake and cry -- for lots reasons ... first of all i thought about all the recent long distance trips i had made to my daughter's college -- either to go get her or take her home or take a friend to visit ... imagine if this had happened during one of those interstate trips. as a friend aptly put it -- i would be hamburger along the side of the road. second i thought of the almost $1,000 engine work i had had done not more than a month ago and wondered it if was all for naught -- would the car be drivable, would i have the money to even have it fixed. how was i going to get it anywhere to have it fixed, i don't have AAA -- can't afford it -- and certainly can't afford to pay someone to tow it. and thirdly, no car means no job -- even if it is only two afternoons a week -- its something. plus, i still have the remnants of one car payment left to pay. so its not like its altogether mine yet.

first i called a neighbor to come and get me, then i called my son who lives just up the street (but who, unfortunately was on his way to class and couldn't stay), and then i just stood there crying and saying, "papa god must love me a lot because i could be dead". (yes, sometimes in the moment i can be a bit dramatic but in this instance it could be true.)

now all of this happened in front of the church i used to go to a long time ago. and out of this church came a man i did not know and he asked if i had towing on my insurance and i said i didn't know -- because at that precise moment i didn't know much of anything i was so upset. and he said if i didn't that he would take care of it with a credit card (note: this sort of stuff happens to me sometimes -- i chalk it up to papa god coz what else could it possibly be that strangers run to help me in this way). he stayed with me the entire time and followed us all over to the dealership and indeed, did pay the entire towing bill ($212). after a little while, my ex pastor came out and she gave me a hug and stayed with me and when her little daughter got off the school bus and saw me crying, she handed me the kleenex she keeps in her backpack for occasions when she gets a nosebleed and kept telling me it would all be okay. angels sometimes come in human form -- in case u didn't know this.

so i'm waiting at the dealership to find out the verdict and am told that the ball joint sheered off and they have never ever seen this on a honda and certainly not on a CRV (which is what i have). and i'm just left standing there saying -- well, isn't this just the way my life path goes??? ha ha and did i hit a pothole or something and well, rn't there just a ton of potholes all over the area i drive on a regular basis and yes i did and well... u know .... i try to avoid them, but obviously i'm failing in this regard. turns out i will need a new ball joint and a new axle because it bent the axle when it broke and then they will have to do a front end alignment and we're looking at $540. i say, "i don't have any money" -- which is partially true -- i have exactly $46 in my account right now -- so i do have SOME money but certainly not enough to fix the car. and my neighbor (who has graciously come to pick me up and had the gas to do so because that very morning someone had given her $20 for gas -- yet another papa god thing) asks if they can store the car till i have the money and she'll drive me to my work, etc. whereupon the service guy says, "well, u bought the car, from us didn't u, so that entitles u to a free loaner." yes, another papa god intervention. and hands me the keys to a much newer version of my car only in white with all the bells and whistles.

and in the midst of all of this, my daughter calls me from school concerned, because evidently her brother called her father (my ex) and he called her and told her. another god intervening moment ....

and it turns out that perhaps this might all be covered by my insurance since i hit a pothole and sheered off the ball joint ... and i have ppl offering to help me foot the bill for the repairs if it doesn't. and when the census taker came to my door in the middle of a phone conversation with the person who backed me up at work (who offered to swap days with me so i wouldn't lose my hours this week -- yep, u guessed it -- papa god), i started talking about how papa god had intervened and he was amazed. so i saw an opening and shared my faith story with him. to which he said, "that is amazing and i'm so glad u shared that with me because i've had a not great day and that story is just so uplifting." (yep, papa god)

so even in the midst of the crummiest things, papa god steps in and rearranges things and makes it a blessing. because i was blessed on many levels by many ppl yesterday... more than i can even count. and it awes me just how much papa god loves me to take care of me as he does. and i could boo-hoo (and i have) about how lousy my life circumstances r right now -- but in the end it all comes around to the fact that papa god loves me and takes care of all my needs -- and who could ask for more than that???

leaning on the everlasting arms ....

so the daughter is leaving for college on sunday and she's in the midst of packing up stuff to take. then she has to pack up the rest of her belongings because at some point after i drop her at college, the housing authority is moving me to a smaller (2bdrm vs 3bdrm) apartment.

there's a lot going on in my life right now and i have to keep telling myself that papa god has me in the palm of his hand. if i don't do this, i will surely fall apart and i can't have that.

the last week or so things have not been great. i had these expectations for the vacation with son and daughter and of course, most of them were not fulfilled. as a matter of fact, a lot of stuff fell apart royally that i'm not sure can be mended, unless papa god takes control of it.

then we come back (and that's a whole other story in itself that i would prefer not to delve too deeply into), and i have to deal with not only packing up and moving my daughter to college, but packing up my entire apartment to downsize. its not without some really weighty emotions.

see my daughter has only ever lived two places in her lifetime. one was the apartment where her father and i moved into when i was pregnant with her and where he still resides, and the apartment that we currently live in where i moved after the divorce 6 years ago. so for her its like, "i'm going to college and when i come home it will be to some place i don't recognize". for me its like, "u go away to college and while ur gone, i'm left in an unfamiliar apartment all by myself". i become an empty nester in a new nest -- and its not even of my choosing -- either of them ....

at the end of the month i lose child support and will be living on the $75 a week i make doing respite care with an autistic boy. obviously, that will have to change and i'll have to find a real job -- something i have been seeking for a while and which has been unsuccessful.

now things seem at their worst -- i mean, i've possibly lost one child (son) through miscommunication and clashing of personalities and i'm about to "lose" another to college life -- i suddenly feel like the old spinster lady -- childless and alone. and i'm about to become poorer than dirt -- if that's possible and i'm going to have to pack and move my stuff to a new place. my ex husband is taking some of my vacation time -- the last before she goes away --with my daughter because he thinks he can even though he's already had more than his fair share of vacation with her earlier this summer and once again, i'm letting him. so its now when i need papa god's grace and comforting arms to hold me.

last night my neighbor came over and was basically trying the "snap the heck out of it" tactics on me and i finally said to her, "u know, i'm allowed to grieve -- a lot of this stuff just happened in the last week. i'm pretty sure papa god would allow me time to grieve. its not a prerequisite of being a christian that we're supposed to be 'holding it together' 24/7." i'm sure it didn't make her very happy, but that's the reality of it. just because we're christians doesn't mean that things will be wonderful all the time -- as a matter of fact it might be worse since the enemy will do all he can to turn us away from god. but we don't have to pretend that we're "fine" when we're not and we don't have to wear a smiling mask to cover up whatever pain is inside us. god loves us through all of it and the more real and genuine we can be the less surprises others will have when things don't seem to be going wonderful for them.

so yeah, i'm leaning big time on papa god right now and i'll keep leaning on him. because we're in a relationship -- he knows me and loves me and wants to take care of me. and i'm going to let him. there's not a whole lot i can do on my own -- and right now, i don't want to do any of this without him.

good all the time ...

sometimes life just sucks. but papa god is always good and always faithful.

i keep telling myself this whenever anything radical or depressing happens in my life. because i need to be reminded that the crummy stuff doesn't come from papa.

my daughter is about to graduate -- in 5 days exactly. there has been a lot of "upheaval" in the house because of it. my father and his girlfriend r coming. i need to completely hull out my bedroom so they can sleep in there, and hull out the spare room so i can sleep in there and basically, there is no place to hull this stuff to, not to mention all the stressors that go along with having company in the apartment. -- especially when they come with their own demands and idiosyncrasies. the area around the building looks more like a war zone than a decent living area. i have no money for food or gas or even the $19 that my daughter needs for her cap and gown, let alone to throw her a graduation party and if i could throw a party, where would i hold it and who could come without upsetting certain ppl's days. there r issues surrounding where the ex will be and when since my father doesn't want to be around him (after all, he did break his daughter's heart -- blah blah blah) and that is putting pressure on me to try and keep three people happy (my father, my daughter, and my ex -- in precisely that order even though i'd rather not keep the ex happy and the daughter really should be first). i've been through something similar 4 years ago when my son graduated, so this isn't totally unfamiliar territory, but how many balls do i have to keep in the air to keep everybody (possibly including myself) happy??

some where in this messy mix is me -- oh wait, no, i'm not in the mix because all my life i've jumped through hoops to try and keep other ppl happy (much like i suppose my mom did) while realizing that my happiness wasn't very important in the grand scheme of things.

yesterday someone reminded me that i need to speak up -- to not let ppl walk all over me. but do i really? i mean what good does it do to tell ppl exactly what's on in ur mind? i tried that with the ex -- it got me nowhere except into the brick wall he put up -- and that was in our marriage and subsequent divorce. face it, some ppl just don't give a darn if ur miserable or not as long as their happiness is intact -- so what good does it do to tell them ur miserable.

unfortunately, i've never been very good at hiding my feelings. basically i did try that for years and occasionally it would all tumble out of the closet and lie there on the floor in a big ugly mess -- months of miserableness that had been hidden away because someone else couldn't deal with the reality of it -- it wasn't pretty. so when i got word (through a prophet) from papa god that i should take off the masks and come out of the closet (so to speak) and let ppl see the real me, i had three immediate thoughts. the first was, nobody wants to see the real me -- it ain't pretty. and the second was, i don't know how to do that. and the third was why should i bother when nobody else cares?

i've learned a lot since that word was given, and i'm probably more vocal and open now with my feelings at the time they r happening -- which may or may not be a good thing -- i'm still debating that. another thing i've learned is that sometimes it doesn't matter what ur feeling or what u say ur feeling, the other person really doesn't care (actually, i learned this during my marriage but its still an important aspect of this whole "feeling/relationship" thing), and u have to be open to the prospect that you can share it all and get no reaction at the other end and be ok with that (which is the part i have taken some strides in). and probably the most important thing i've learned is that even if no one else cares, what ur feeling matters and the one being (besides yourself) that it matters most to is papa god. so no matter what kind of reaction (or non-reaction) u get from anyone else, u can be sure that papa god is cradling u in his arms and feeling for u.

so back to my original statement -- sometimes life just sucks -- but papa god is always good and always faithful. and this is one reason why i want him with me all the time. because he is the one constant i can rely on. if i need a listening ear, his is always ready. a shoulder to cry on, his is strong. a confident for my heartfelt emotions, he is there. someone to give me comfort and guidance and wisdom in all situations and tell me what i need to hear. he validates me and what i'm feeling. what more can i ask for? he gives me what no human on earth can give me -- and i feel loved because he is in my life. and when the sucky stuff happens -- i can get through it because i know he's got my back. i might be miserable and crying and letting it all hang out, but i know i can pull it back together when it really matters because he's there and hanging onto me. i need him and i can't imagine how i would ever get through it all without him.

Raising the Faith

i have a facebook account. i've had it for eons. not as long as i have had a myspace (which, btw, i never look at anymore). i've written a zillion notes at my facebook. and i even set up a fan page for Angelic Adornments there. so imagine my surprise this afternoon when i went to upload some new photos to my fan page and discovered it no longer existed. and not only did it no longer exist, but all my notes were missing as well -- and who knows what else at this point. idk what the problem is and i can't get the higher ups at facebook to acknowledge my existence or the fact that some of my important items r missing. after much mucking through the different places to go to get "help" i finally sent them a message only to get a canned response about how they don't respond to individual messages but that they would be "looking into" my issues. how sweet.

normally i wouldn't get upset about this stuff. like the missing notes -- i've got all the important ones in files on my computer so its not like they couldn't be duplicated. but the fan page -- that's the pits. i have a link from my Etsy website to my fan page. there's a link at this blog page to my fan page. i would have to go back through zillions of photos to find all the ones that were posted on my fan page in order to recreate it. and then there is the question of the fans. i would lose them. mind there weren't a lot -- but still.....

as there isn't a whole lot more i can do about this, i have to "let it go" and let the higher ups deal with whatever the problem is. it reminds me about how there r a lot of things that i can do very little about and need to let papa god deal with them.

a couple of nights ago i was watching a live stream of a local church that we sometimes attend. during the service, someone called to say that a pastor from the west coast had collapsed during his service and was rushed to hospital. so we prayed. then later it was discovered that he had passed away and that ppl were going there to pray over him to raise him from the dead. having read some of the works of Smith Wigglesworth, i firmly believe that this is possible.

now before u go all postal on me -- this does happen in this day and age. it has been documented -- so its not something that can't happen. so we all prayed. and we kept in touch on facebook about what was happening. like how they had moved him to another room and that the glory was coming down and we should keep praying. and we were praying. but he did not arise and walk.

now some ppl would look at this and say well, god doesn't exist because if he did this man would certainly have been raised. but as someone reminded me -- did anyone ask papa god what he wanted to do with this man?? i'm not sure that anyone did. most of the ppl (and i have to admit that i was a bit of a lemming and just followed the higher ups here) saw that a man of god had been felled in the middle of a sermon before his time and knew that it was an opportunity for god to show his glory and bring the man back to life. which it was. but it begs the question: does our faith and trust in papa god stay strong even when prayers rn't answered the way we want them to be but the way that papa god sees as best??

i've had plenty of opportunities in the last 5 years to lose faith and trust in papa because prayers i made went seemingly unanswered. but i've also had many prayers answered and i've had many times when papa showed me his love when i wasn't expecting it. what i saw on sunday night/monday morning was a gathering of ppl of faith from all around the world, to pray fervently for a man to be raised from the dead and if nothing else, i saw their faith and trust in papa god and that made mine stronger. strange as that might sound. what i've come to realize is that my reality here on earth -- ie, what i see/hear, etc. -- is not always god's reality. so i have to trust that papa knows better than i in all circumstances and let go -- as hard as that sometimes is. papa god is in control and that gives me a real level of freedom -- freedom from worry, stress, the need to "fix it", etc. its another wonderful gift from papa god.

minute details -- big picture

i admire ppl who know their bible history backwards and forwards -- who understand every aspect of what is written there and the time frame; ppl who can quote u scripture (book and verse) at the drop of a hat. frankly, most of the time i'm just lost and i tend to read the bible as if its a good story (some books better than others, obviously).

yesterday i had lunch with some friends. before we sat down we started talking about the current book of the bible that our church is reading (ezekiel). the woman who had graciously opened her home to us was talking about trying to figure out where this story falls in the grand scope of things (because if ur not aware, the books in the bible are not arranged chronologically). she was showing us all sorts of information and pulled out about 6 bibles. it was really fascinating. but see, she really studies the scripture and gets the whole picture. whereas, i never was very good at history and honestly, does it really matter what came first, the chicken or the egg.

to some ppl (probably this woman and my dad most likely), it really does matter. when i listen to my dad talk about different aspects in the bible, i'm just amazed. not that it really helps me to understand things anymore than i did before -- truly. i am looking at these books and saying, what lesson am i supposed to learn from this? i'm not saying, gee, where does this fall on the time scale and what was going on in the time period.

maybe this is naive of me. maybe i should be taking more of an interest in what was going on. i mean there is scripture to point out the fact that many will hear but some will not understand:
Luke 8:10 NIV
He said, "The knowledge of the secrets of the kingdom of God has been given to you, but to others I speak in parables, so that, " 'though seeing, they may not see; though hearing, they may not understand.'

so then it makes me wonder, am i meant to be one of those who doesn't understand. actually, what i really wonder is, does it matter if i don't understand the time frame that something happened or can't remember the sequence of events or all the names and the order of those names in a lineage or what the name of a particular king was at a particular time. will remembering or knowing any of that help me to get the true message behind what is written?? somehow, i doubt it, but maybe that's just my warped mind trying to make me think its ok not to know this stuff backwards and forwards like other ppl do.

here's my thing -- i can take a particular piece of scripture and i can find god's love there -- love for all of us. i can see god's heart in passages like isaiah 58 -- i can understand his sadness when he sees that his ppl will not obey his law and ignore what he has said, seeking only religiosity and nothing else. where does remembering lineage or time scale fit into that - where is the importance? idk

the best thing would be if i could remember everything, understand all the time frames, etc., along with getting the message -- but for some reason, my brain doesn't seem to be able to retain the minute details. i can't quote u scripture by book and verse. most of the time, if i haven't marked it in my bible, i can't tell u where it is, but most likely i'll be able to tell u the meaning. what's more important?? idk

being able to point something out or back something up with the actual place in the bible where that point is being made, is really an asset sometimes because it just solidifies the point ur trying to make. its like the bibliography at the end of an article citing all the places where u can go to check out the facts as they were presented in the article. its back up information. so for me, i can't provide that when i'm speaking to someone about the bible; so i have no way to prove that what i'm saying is true. from that aspect -- its not a good thing.

i can't say that my brain does much better in retaining all things in my own life either. i mean, i have crystal clear memories of certain things growing up -- but they r just snippets in time -- not full movie length versions of each year. some things i remember really well -- other things not at all. what was important to my head at the time seems to stick to me -- what wasn't, falls away. and i feel like that is true for reading the stories in the bible as well. what's important sticks and sticks really well. what doesn't add to the message's importance, seems to fall away.

idk, i'm still feeling my way through the bible. i haven't read every chapter -- but some chapters i've read multiple times (mostly in the new testament). being raised in a conventional church setting, we were never encouraged to read the bible on our own -- only listen to snippets on sundays -- whole stories during special times of the year (christmas, easter, pentecost). i remember my mom sitting and reading her bible every morning. i wish i could say i do the same. sometimes i feel like a bad christian because i don't have a set schedule in that regard -- not even for prayer. i read when i want and pray when the need is there and give thanks for all the blessings that papa god has bestowed upon me. maybe that does make me a bad sort. idk

i only know that papa god loves me and wants to love on all his ppl if they would just let him. that there is such a need in this world for ppl to start caring about one another. and my thoughts on how wondrous papa is rn't going to be amplified by remembering time frames or lineage names.

papa god is amazing ....

so yesterday i went for my scheduled physical therapy appointment (just one day after being in the MRI machine). after i had been suitably tugged, pushed and twisted -- she let me look at my MRI scans. pretty amazing technology they have there. they had taken scans from several different angles -- all without moving me once. i got to see my shoulder from the top down, the side in and the front and back in.

the pics were pretty telling and as the PT said, i will probably need surgery (more thoughts on this in a minute). the rotator cuff is completely torn and the muscle that the runs down from the top of the shoulder to the arm bone is "sloughing off" -- her words -- not mine -- and look "weird" (again, her word not mine). but as we all known, i'm not normal -- never have been so y should i think that a torn rotator cuff on my body would be anything but weird??

so i got this news and on the drive home my head is like digesting the thoughts and pretty much saying i don't wanna have someone cutting me open (been there and done that awake for a c-section -- not really treasuring the idea of doing it while asleep). i'm a lot older now, things that can happen on the table (operate on the wrong arm, crash while under, u get the general picture). so i started to freak (well, cry, but to me that's pretty much freaking). i had the radio on to the only christian station in the upper valley (and its range stinks but that's another story). and this song is playing -- the girl is singing that she will believe in the sun even when its not shining, keep her eyes on papa, etc. i'm like -- ok -- i get it -- but i'm still scared.... then another song comes on where the guy sings, we cry out, ur beloved needs u now -- and i'm hello -- u hit me once, i get it!! really i do. but i wanna talk to someone in the natural.

so i go to my friends' house and they lovingly allow me into their home even though i'm sort of falling apart. and we talk and pray and they set me back on the path to keeping my eyes on papa and what he wants to do here. i leave feeling so much better and i know that papa has been with me the entire time -- through the PT, through seeing the damage to the shoulder, through helping me drive to my friends', leading me to them for comfort in the natural, he was with me through all of it. he already knew the damage done, he is already healing it -- i needed the MRI for proof of the damage so when the healing comes i can have true fact-based testimony to give to his healing powers. it was awesome -- after everything was said and done to look back and see how he had been there and guided, and held me through all of it. how could i believe anything but the fact that i will be healed by him -- not by a surgeon -- but by papa god's healing power on me.

i've had a lot of angst lately -- and i've let it sometimes rule my day -- consume my sleep at night. that's not having trust or faith in papa god. that's letting the enemy get a foothold and try to take me out. i'm not going to let him. he has no power or authority over me. papa is an amazing daddy and i know he wants to provide for all our needs, we just need to pull aside our stupid silly pride and let him.

college visits -- part two

this past week has been a whirlwind. my daughter is a junior in high school and she had the week off for spring vacation. only for us it wasn't much of a vacation. we were looking at colleges and i spent the better part of 22+ hours driving. i've been through this before with my eldest child (now 21). we looked at 5 schools from one side of PA to the other for him and he ended up not applying to any of them only to end up in a huge school that he hated and dropped out of after a year. i had decided i wouldn't try to give advice this time. obviously, sometimes the best laid plans go awry. i'm a mother after all ....

of course her top choice was the first one scheduled -- with three more to follow (and two others that will have to be scheduled at a different time -- there r only so many days in the week). most of them had programs or tours that started at a decent hour (say 11 or 1) so that we could do a day-trip sort of thing. that wasn't so bad even though it made for a really long day for me (especially with my shoulder issues). see, even though she can drive, she can't drive my standard transmission car, and she hasn't gotten her license yet (feels its a waste of perfectly good money when she won't need it at college and will still have to pay insurance).

her top choice soon became no choice (we didn't even get to hear the presentation before she stated that she was pretty sure she wasn't going to go there or even bother applying). she's got that gift of discernment and something about the place really bothered her -- i'm thinking it was the very hilly terrain and the communal bathrooms (see she's spoiled because her brother's school had bathrooms in each dorm room). as she was announcing this i was left thinking, i just drove over 3 hours and into a screwy city with no city map in my hand and will now need to get us out of said screwy city and drive another 3+ hours home for u to tell me this???? all the time wondering if we were going to have a repeat of her brother's experience and if we were -- we could stop right now...

the second school we visited, her art teacher recommended. its kinda "out there" as colleges go, if u ask me. its for that "bohemian" crowd. i don't see my daughter as a bohemian -- but evidently she was thrilled. the school is in a refurbed dept. store -- i'm all for recycling and the space was huge and impressive for what they had in it and what was yet to be developed. everything reeked of cigarette smoke (including the refurbed hotel that served as a dorm -- each room had its own bathroom). my daughter doesn't smoke. as a matter of fact, she has asthma -- but on the day we visited she had a bad cold and couldn't smell anything. i wonder if a follow-up visit will change her outlook on it. i was looking at where its located and trying not to think of her walking alone at night from the studio to the dorm. of course, should i care whether its bohemian and smokey and potentially dangerous if she's getting a great education??? i can see that my views on this r obviously too motherly.

the third school is in our state and she's considering it her "safety" school. its an ok place even if the one all-female dorm (which is in a victorian house) is 30% lesbian. again -- we're talking artists here and they basically march to a different beat all the way around i'm discovering. but my daughter's reaction to this school was "well, its not going to kill me to come here, but its obviously NOT at the top of my list." alrighty then....

yesterday was probably the hardest day. friday night we'd gone to a worship meeting at church and even though i had thought we would leave early, we didn't depart until close to 10pm (and the meeting wasn't over). then i had to get up at 3:45am to drive 2+ hours to get to the last school we would be visiting early enough for their presentation (which, btw didn't start on time because some other parents couldn't seem to get their acts together to get there in time). needless to say, i was yawning a lot throughout the parental presentation. i was grumpy on the tour and they didn't even show us the living spaces for the students (they r building new ones for a third of the incoming students, but they still could have shown us the existing ones -- and the tour guide didn't wait till everybody was in one place to talk and often talked while walking so that those of us at the back of the pack couldn't hear her -- so we missed a good deal of what was being said, and yeah u get the picture).

even though i was impressed with the security and the school and the location (2 hours vs. 3+ for her new top choice), she still had stars in her eyes for the bohemian school and basically was blowing anything else off -- so y were we there?? idk

probably the best thing about the day was getting to see the sky that papa god was painting as we drove there and laughing about how mom was a dork for stopping to take pictures of it only to have a state policeman drive up behind her and ask if she was having a "kodak moment." then said daughter got the hiccups because she hadn't eaten any breakfast before we'd left (teens r like this u know) and so we laughed about how she knew i was going to scare her to try to get rid of them and "don't do it mom". when we got home, we both crashed in the livingroom (her on the floor and me on the couch) around 7. when i woke up at 9 and suggested we both go to bed i figured i might well be awake early and sure enough -- here i am at 3am writing.

throughout this whole college visit thing a couple of things have surfaced. first of all, i have a really tough time with the idea of my daughter sitting in a classroom with a naked man or woman in front of her that she's required to draw (hey, i'm a mom, sometimes we'd like to put a plastic bubble around our kids to protect them from stuff and keep them as innocent as possible for the longest period of time). something about seeing metalwork statutes of men with erect penises on the bohemian tour set me off i think and after that all naked drawings on the walls of the schools made me cringe (and i'm not a prude) ... even michelangelo managed to give david a flaccid penis.

secondly, i have no sense of art as its being expressed now. i've been reminded by my daughter that anything can be art and "can't u see what the artist is trying to say?" um, that they like other ppl's garbage and painting it all green makes it art??? yeah, even though i was raised in an artistic household, some things just don't speak art to me. i'm sorry....

i want my kids to have to have the best experiences they can, but i also realize that i can't tell them where to go to school. my daughter, for instance, refuses to look at colleges anywhere beyond a 3-4 hour drive -- which may be a good thing -- or a bad thing (limiting) if u get my drift. if i had been making the decision for my son, he would have gone to the smaller school in PA that we visited because for me, it seemed a good fit for him. instead, he chose a huge state school in the next state over and was miserable because he got lost in the shuffle. i can't tell my daughter where to go, but in a sense, i want her to be safe and happy and not be exposed to things that might tear down her morals and values. i think that's a pretty hard thing to find when we're talking art schools.

at some point i know i have to cut the umbilical cord. i've been reminded of this all too often with my son. what most children don't realize is that its very hard for a mom to do that. our purpose was to raise them, nurture them, teach them, protect them. yes, we have to let go, but after 18 years of doing our job, its hard to "switch gears". i've been calling on papa god more and more lately for strength to let go. after all, i was just a caretaker -- he is their protector -- they really belong to him and they were just on loan to me. once my job with them is done, i will be left "unemployed" -- which is essentially what i am in the real world anyhow. and then the question becomes -- what is my purpose now??

yes, this whole college visit thing stirs up a lot of emotions. i'm so glad i have papa god with me -- he surely is my rock to lean on. and who would know better than he about letting go and giving freedom to a child....

misery loves company??

i'm currently in a blue funk. a lot of things have contributed to this funk, but the one that sticks prominently in my mind is what's happening at my church. i laughingly use the word "my" because deep down, i know this church is not where god wants me to stay.

i love papa god, and most of the time i do trust him -- but idk what to think right now. it isn't just what i'm sensing while i'm there -- its what i'm hearing from others and the way they have been treated. how can christians say they are christians when they treat each other so badly. we're supposed to love one another, not bash each other about and judge each other till the cows come home.

the worst part is that attacks on me have begun and being the "i'd like everybody to like me" type, its hard for me to be so misjudged. i was even told by the self-appointed facebook "police" from our church that i'm on facebook too much and that all my stuff is "out there for everybody to see". um yeah, no, because i restrict what can and can't be seen by the general public, but w/e. i didn't realize until just a couple of days ago that this person saying that to me has made me not want to write anything or blog about anything. and that's probably one reason i'm feeling so blue.

i used to write a lot. then i got married and was miserable -- most of my writings went into my journals because it was so private -- and the internet wasn't the prevalent place it is now -- there was no such thing as a blog. i did have a column in a small local paper for a couple of years. then somewhere along the line, i stopped writing altogether -- it was just to painful to put it on paper anywhere. i didn't start writing again until i got my divorce and then i was unstoppable. but i've allowed the words -- the wounding words -- of this ONE person in my church stop me from doing something i love doing -- all because i want to be accepted by man....

just when i think i have gotten past this need for verification of my life from man -- something comes in and smacks me (that's the enemy, btw, dragging my old man out of the closet and throwing it at me). it makes me realize that there is a part of me that still perhaps wants that -- that there is still a gaping hole in my heart that wants filling and somehow i feel that man can do that. but the reality is that man is imperfect and can't fill the hole and won't fill the hole because in their own woundedness, all they want to do is wound others, not help them. they want others to feel as wretched as they do so that they won't have to be the only wretched person on the planet. as someone reminded me yesterday -- hurt ppl, hurt ppl.

and this is something that i have begun to see as a trend in churches. all these christians feel like they need to be wretched and downcast because y idk?? i admit that there were times in my life when i was miserable too -- but mostly it was because of circumstances and feeling like god didn't give a hoot about me or my circumstances. i've come to realize that that is NOT the case -- he cares a lot -- its just that sometimes the choices we make, give little room for making things work out right. but somehow god takes even the most awful of circumstances and uses them for good.

at any rate, i can't let this funk continue because it will only drag me down and out -- i don't want to be a miserable christian. i've said this before. i want to be the salt and the light -- to shine god's love so brightly that others will say, "i want that". i firmly believe that we don't have to be downcast and wretched as christians. that was never what papa god intended for us. and by being that way, it makes other ppl say -- y would i want to be a christian if i'm going to be miserable all the time.

i also realize that my old man was killed off when i accepted christ and i need to stop letting the enemy drag him out of the closet and jiggle him around in front of me. that is not who i am any more -- i'm a new creation in christ. and it will take heavy armor from god to keep the enemy at bay with this because he knows its pushing buttons.

i started feeling more and more like i really don't care what other ppl think. i never thought i would get to that point. but this last bout has made me realize even more that the one that i care the most about what they think is papa god. he's all that matters. i must be doing something right for the enemy to be coming against me so strongly. but i know with papa god by my side, i can do anything. the joy i feel when i think of him with me always is overflowing and if it bothers other christians because i walk around with a smile on my face, that is their issue and not mine. i don't need to be miserable and wretched -- papa wants me happy. that's not to say there won't be times when circumstances weigh me down -- but it doesn't mean i have to stay in the hole and wallow around there. papa can bring me back out into the sunshine. i need to keep my eyes ever on him.

Someday is Today

someday you will be loved....

last night i went to a financial aid for college meeting at my daughter's school. everything was fine until my ex showed up -- with his girlfriend in tow. i got to see them huddled at the back table -- heads together, chatting, laughing. it was nauseating to say the least. my daughter lamented that he might as well have not bothered to come.

in my head, i understand y he came and y he came with her (her daughter is in the same grade as mine). i can logically deduce all this. but it was emotionally tearing.... and here i thought i was over it.

it got worse because after the meeting i went to chat to two friends i hadn't seen since my store closed and paula asked me how i was and i said i was fine till my ex showed up with his girlfriend and she said, "oh, that's odd". whereupon the other friend said, "no, not really, he's dating _______'s mom". so people know and that makes it worse....

its always one step forward and two back it seems. and i can beat myself up over what i'm feeling, but the reality is that its not even that i want to be with him -- its just that i don't want to see him with other women because its just a reminder of how it all ended -- with another woman.

i can't dictate to him who he dates or when he dates or even where he takes them -- but common sense would say -- or should say -- to him that perhaps a school meeting where his daughter will be isn't the time or place. he has never cared about my feelings -- but shouldn't he care about her's.

so i went to bed with this weight hanging over me and this morning i woke up with the song "someday you will be loved" in my head and i couldn't shake it all morning and ended up playing it on itunes -- just to get it out of my head (i know that will make no sense to anyone, but its how my head was working this morning).

the reality is this -- that i am loved -- and deeply -- by father god. nobody could ever love me as much as he loves me. it will never be as good with anyone else as it is with him. i don't have to do anything to win his love -- its already given freely. i don't have to look a certain way -- its an unconditional agape love. so i don't need the song to tell me that someday i will be loved when i'm loved right now, right here, in this place.

and the other great thing about papa god's love is that he will never disappoint me -- he is the most faithful -- i can trust him with all my heart not to hurt me. how could i ever want more than that.... and all this junk in my head right now -- this is the enemy pushing buttons. i just need to keep my eyes on papa -- the greatest lover of all!

thoughts on b'days when ur past the half century mark

so yesterday was my birthday and i turned um yeah -- 53 -- and someone reminded me that that's more than half a century and i'm like yeah u can leave now.... its not that i mind getting older, i just don't need to be reminded of it -- coz i already know it -- like when i roll over in bed and try to get comfortable and realize there is no comfortable anymore in bed. and really, in my view its just another day.

i'm a january baby and we tend to get short-shrifted in the present dept. like the december babies. but for me it was never about the presents. evidently i was born in the middle of a snow storm. my dad (a music educator at the high school) was having a meeting with students and parents at the house and my mom went into labor. not being the type to make a fuss, she waited till the meeting was over to tell my dad she was in labor. their first attempt to make it to the hospital in the snowstorm was thwarted and they had to take another route. the only way they knew where the road was was because of the telephone poles. good thing she was in labor for 18 hours -- gave them lots of time to get to the hospital. idk if she was awake or not because in those days -- they tended to knock women out with drugs during delivery. she wasn't awake for my brother's birth, but whether she awake for mine or not, idk. but i do know that my father was not present in the room when i was born -- fathers were NOT allowed to be present during the birth of their children.

when i was younger, i would tell my mom on my birthday how much i loved her and thank her for giving birth to me. even when i moved away from her home, i would call her on my birthday. some ppl would say that was odd -- i think it was appropriate considering all she did for me. that first year after she died was really hard for me -- the holidays without her were miserable, but when my birthday came around and i realized i couldn't call her with my usual message of love and gratitude, it was particularly hard.

i had two "parties" on my birthday growing up. one when i turned five (which we have silent movies of because that was BEFORE video cameras with sound) and one when i turned 16. my 16th b'day party wasn't anything like the ones u hear about nowadays. i think there were like 6 ppl there (including my then boyfriend and my best friend Patty who would eventually become my boyfriend's girlfriend -- we won't even go there). we have pictures. its not pretty (think early 70's and hippie clothing). when i turned 21 it was not a big deal and i didn't even go out and drink -- like most ppl do -- i wasn't into that stuff.

somewhere along the line, b'days became just another day. i can't quite put my finger on when it happened, but i was pretty much ok with it. i never liked ppl making a fuss over me anyhow, so it was just as well to try and ignore the birthdays. it wasn't that i was trying to stop time or turn back the clocks, although sometimes i would have liked a "do-over". i just didn't want the attention.

several years ago on my birthday i was having a bad time of it. my marriage was falling apart and life just generally seemed like the pits. i was doing laundry because it was "just another day". it was really cold outside and i didn't know that the drain pipe to the washing machine was frozen, so when the washer started to drain, water went flying out all over the place until i could get to it to get it stopped. i had to call the person who managed the apt. bldg. we were living in. he came out and took a blow torch to the pipe -- which was plastic (u could smell the melting plastic). unfortunately, he also tried to burn down the building because he set the fluff from the dryer on fire. i wasn't able to use my washer for a while until they could get someone out to replace the drain pipe that he melted. with two children in the house, that's not a good thing. i basically sat and cried and said it was the worst birthday i'd ever had. it was probably right around then that i resolved i was going to completely ignore my b'days.

i always made a big deal about my kids' b'days. i would always try to have a few friends over for them and do the whole cake and games thing for them. they had friends who had big deal parties, but my kids had to contend with smaller scale just because we couldn't afford to do a whole lot. i learned how to be really creative and stretch a dollar while still allowing the kids to have a good time. but there was one b'day for my daughter that was particularly bad and i won't go into the details suffice to say that it was controlled by one of her teachers at school and not by me and thus made for a bad time (she says) for her.

when i got divorced my daughter and i moved into our current abode a week or so before her b'day, which is three days before mine. she wanted a sleep over so i basically busted butt to make sure there was enough sleeping space amid boxes for the girls she invited. sometime in the middle of the night the freezer door got left open and all the food in the freezer thawed. i had to throw out a bunch of stuff and with no money to buy more i figured it was gonna be a pretty miserable month. actually, friends came to the rescue and it was all good. but my daughter basically told me that her birthdays were always miserable (and evidently that was all my fault). ever since then i've tried really hard to make them happy events, but she always manages to find something wrong with them. i have resigned myself to the fact that i'll never meet her expectations when it comes to making them happy for her.

at what point does it matter how many b'days we have. i mean they tout in the news the ppl who survive over 100 -- although even that doesn't seem like such a big deal anymore -- now its if u live to be 110. i think about what god wanted for us when he created man. that we would never know sin and never die. ppl lived hundreds of years. but our world just got more and more corrupt and as it did, our longevity went down the tubes. now we're content with 70, 80, or 90 years of life.

my dad used to say that living another year sure beat the alternative (death) -- he's turning 83 this year and can sometimes be a cantankerous old man. but i used to think (and still sometimes do) that dying wouldn't be so bad because i'd get to go be with papa god.

honestly, even with all the junk in my life, i have liked getting older and hopefully wiser. but i realize that things rn't like they used to be and never will be again. families don't live together for generations anymore and the youth don't learn -- or want to learn from their elders -- most of the time there isn't even any respect for their elders and y should there be when most of the time their parents can't be bothered with them for want of fulfilling their own needs. what i have to look forward to is being cantankerous like my dad, or worse yet, incapacitated in some way, unable to care for myself and not knowing who i am or where i am (like my grandma and grandfather were), possibly being subjected to abuse in some facility because my family can't be bothered with me (oh that's subject for another blog some day). my dad says that if he ever gets to the place where he can't take care of himself he's going to shoot himself -- i think he won't be able to if he can't even take care of himself, but w/e. let him live with the idea that he will control his demise if that keeps him happy. sometimes i think that my mom was blessed because she didn't have to suffer with some awful illness, she didn't have to know what it felt like to be incapacitated in any way and she got to be with papa god -- something i know she was looking forward to. but she missed out on getting to see her grandkids and be a part of their lives. that perhaps is one thing i will be sad about -- not seeing the next generations come into the world or seeing them develop.

i've seen a lot of changes in the world -- some good -- some not so good -- and i know that it probably will only get worse before jesus comes for his bride. ppl r rude to each other -- even when they r in the wrong -- there is no sense of value anymore -- we've become a throw-away society -- if it doesn't work, get rid of it -- even with our own families it seems. there is very little attempt on the most part to try and get along with each other -- find some common ground where we can stand side by side with each other and make things work for the common good. if it doesn't work, don't fix it, just throw it away. i'm as guilty as the next guy of that sometimes.

the only thing that birthdays do for me now, r to make me look at where i have been and where i am and wonder where papa god is going to take me before he takes me home. it's not exactly the kind of "celebration" that requires cake and partying....

gifts from papa...

for about two and a half hours today i was outside on some back dirt road taking photos. one of the ppl (jeff) who goes to my morning church and leads worship from time to time is producing his own cd filled with his own songs and needed photos for the front and back covers. i offered to help -- idk how much help i was in that dept. but we took a few pics and there might be a couple that would work for them.

while we were on this excursion, we had a chance to talk about some things. its interesting to "compare notes" with other christians from time to time about their journey. sometimes i find myself "preaching to myself" when attempting to encourage others to keep on their journey with papa. i hear stuff coming out of my mouth that has not been in my head and i know its from papa.

the best part of today -- aside from the gleaning of a new relationship with another one of papa's kids -- was being outside in papa's world -- with all the painted leaves. at one point we went past the river where the water was so still it was like a mirror. somewhere upstream the water was flowing swiftly and i wondered, how did it get so still further downstream when it was flowing so heavily upstream. just another wonder of papa's.

i love this time of year because the colors r so pretty and its just another reminder that there is something greater than any of us directing this amazing scenery change. as we stood on the back roads today (and some of them were really back roads barely big enough for one car), i could take in all the beauty and know that papa was right there with us. its those little blessings that help keep me going. while others may look for the huge miracles, i know that the little miracles r just as important in papa's grand scheme of things.

i remember one sunday when jeff was leading worship. i was in a particularly bad place in my life -- feeling unloved and unloveable. i wondered how anyone could ever love me. jeff came in carrying this gnarly piece of birch. during worship he held it up and talked about how most of us see ourselves as this gnarled ugly piece of wood, but that papa sees us as this beautiful 12-string guitar. he suggested that we needed to start seeing ourselves as that guitar -- as papa sees us. it was a turning point for me because it was then that i realized that i wasn't seeing myself as that precious daughter of a king but as something so much less. that if i ever was to come into relationship with papa i was going to have to start seeing myself as he saw me.

i don't always succeed and sometimes the enemy whispers lies into my head that make me start to slip into that ugly space -- but papa always finds a way to pull me back -- either through encouragement from another or a sign. its a wonderful gift. i hope that he continues to use me to help others through encouraging them. even that is a gift from papa....

mediator

i love being in community. notice i didn't say living in a community -- there is a difference. i live in a community, but there rn't many ppl here that i'm in community with.

recently, i had been asked to be a mediator in the community where i live. i said yes because as a friend pointed out to me, i don't know how to say no when it comes to helping fix things. being a mediator meant taking some classes to learn how to be a mediator. again, i agreed. we've had two classes. well, three if u count the one last night that i didn't go to.

so y didn't i go? well, some emotional stuff had hit me earlier in the day and i'd been crying most of the late afternoon and evening and when my daughter came to tell me (i went to bed) the guy was at the door wondering where i was for the meeting -- i just flaked and said i was too tired to go.

the truth is -- i realized a couple of weeks ago that i don't want to be a mediator. i want everybody to get along and it would be great if i could make that happen -- but the reality is that unless two ppl want to get along -- u could mediate till ur blue in the face and it wouldn't do any good.

all my life i've been the fixer -- even when i was a kid -- the youngest daughter of an alcoholic. trying to make things right. and the other day my daughter was talking about some kid at school and how he is always walking around with headphones on and i made some statement about it sounded like he was trying to block out the world. she came back with, well, i'll bring him home and u can fix him. but i don't want to fix him. i have enough trouble with my own life. i mean -- i would love to make it right for everybody -- but only god can do that -- and only if they know that they need fixing and ask god for it.

so does it make me a bad person for not wanting to do this mediation thing now??? for backing out when i said i would do it? probably. ask me if i care -- not really. the thing is that i've tried to help some of these ppl here to get along long before i was asked to be a mediator. one of the reasons i was asked was because ppl said i was "fair" and "non-judgemental". but for the better part of the last four years i've had #1 person come along and complain about all the stuff that #2 person has done and i'll say -- u should talk to her. then #2 person will come along and tell me all the stuff that #1 did to her and i'll say -- u should talk to her. do they talk?? no. would they if a mediator was present -- no. and that's the reality of it. they don't want to get along -- and so they would choose not to try and work it out even if there were someone else there to smooth things out.

basically, i can't fix my own life. its so messed up and painful -- and in reality, only daddy god can fix that. and its the same thing with this community where i live -- only daddy god can fix it. and that means praying about it and asking him to fix it -- not meddling in the affairs of two or three ppl who really don't want to get along or try to see the other person's side. my problem has always been that not only do i know what it feels like to be me, but i can put myself into other ppl's hearts and feel their pain, too. and right now i can't handle any more pain -- even if it is someone else's.

so yeah, i'm walking away because i can't make the commitment to something i don't really believe in or want to do. its not that i don't care about these ppl, because i do -- but i don't really know how i can help them in any constructive way when my own life is a mess. how can one messy person help another messy person. it just doesn't seem to make sense. so yeah ...

hurling

in the winter, there is this sport called curling. its all done in an ice rink with these huge polished rocks that have handles on them. ppl with brooms rush ahead of the spinning rock, after its been hurled down the ice, clearing a 'path' for the stone to go as far as it possibly can without going out of bounds. in some respects its kind of boring, but in other respects its interesting to see where the rock will end up and the path it takes after the ppl have brushed at the ice. idk who decided that hurling a huge polished rock down the ice would be fun or even make an interesting "sport" -- but its worth watching if u never have.

speaking of another kind of hurling -- this is something i do if i am ever presented with having to be in front of an "audience" speaking or performing. i've listened to a lot of religious speakers the last three years. i honestly don't know how these ppl do it -- get up in front of a bunch of (mostly) strangers and speak for 40-60 minutes. i have watched a lot of prophets come and go -- and idk how they do it either. i have a gift of discernment, but not of prophesy, so it blows my mind. i got to thinking: how do they do it, when others can't (or in my case won't when it comes to getting up in front of ppl). daddy god is amazing like that. he gifts ppl with the ability to do it. but what do u do when daddy god puts something on ur heart and asks u to share it and ur not someone who can get up there and do it -- like me?

about a year ago daddy god put something on my heart that i was supposed to "give" to one of the two churches i attend. but i have this horrible fear of speaking in front of ppl. most of the time i can't even give testimony -- which is miserable for a christian to not be able to do. so i was like, daddy u can't possibly mean me -- because u know i don't have it in me to stand up there and say anything. but he pressed me until i gave in a "little" and tested the waters with some of what he had given me -- i figured i was good for about 5 minutes at best and wrote up some of it in a concise way because i wasn't about to go out there without paper in hand -- if anything, i could use the piece of paper to hide behind while i spoke. so, i ventured up there after worship and said what was on the paper -- it didn't go well, and as i walked away from the mic i heard the pastor say "now we don't want any condemnation here". i'm sure they didn't have a clue that it was from daddy and not me -- but unfortunately, what they said was enough to stop me from ever wanting to go there again -- not like i would have anyhow.

but daddy is persistent. and he kept after me and i kept digging in my heels coz basically i can be stubborn sometimes. i finally had a convo with a friend who also goes to this church and told her my plight -- do i do what daddy god wants and risk being humiliated yet again or do i not do what daddy wants and disappoint daddy?? she tried (unsuccessfully) to get me to get back up on the horse that had thrown me. but i refused. i didn't want to risk humiliating myself again (because basically, back then i really cared more about man's acceptance than god's) -- or worse yet, risk hurling my last eaten meal at the congregation. my friend finally took the bull by the horns because she felt the message was one that god wanted these ppl to hear. i handed over what i ended up writing down for her and she delivered it. unfortunately, the church was not ready for it. it actually took almost a full year for someone working in the church to give the same message -- and then a flood of messages came after that in the same vein.

although i'm pretty good at putting thoughts on paper -- i am pretty sure i won't ever be a public speaker for daddy except in the one-on-one or one-on-two circuit. i relate better to one or two ppl at a time than i do to a crowd of faces staring up at me (the thought of that just now sent shivers up my spine and made me want to hurl my breakfast). there is this song i got at soulfest 07 called lift me up. there is a line in it that goes, "standing here in the background, sometimes has its advantages". that's me. i mean, it fits me to a tee. i'd rather be standing in the background in prayer than out in front. i can dance and sing during worship -- but its at the back of the church -- where only daddy sees me. i used to get sick before every performance when i was in concert choir -- because i knew i would be out in front (i'm short so short ppl get put in the front). after i'd hurled my last meal, i would be able to get out there and sing my heart out -- but hurling was part of the "preparation" process as far as i was concerned.

so ever since then, i've wondered y daddy god wanted me to give it in the first place, when it wasn't going to be accepted, and when others would come after that could give it -- and give it much better than i ever could. i'm not the best candidate for public speaking and i'm sure he knows that. i'm assuming i have much to learn in this regard -- daddy knows better than i do. but here's something i wasn't aware of at the time -- and that i've since come to learn -- sometimes god gives us things that rn't for now or this season -- but r for later. and although i'm pretty sure that daddy wanted this message to be delivered when he gave it to me, the season for its acceptance had not yet come. so it was the tip of the proverbial iceberg -- as it were -- and god needed for it to be showing so that what was to come later would come to be accepted much quicker. in this instance, i was taught much -- that man's acceptance shouldn't stop me from doing what daddy asks, that sometimes things that r given now may not be for this season, and that in time, daddy's time -- all things will be made clear. i just need to have patience.

so what does all this have to do with curling -- well, a lot really. that rock is really heavy and moving it requires a lot of strength. clearing a path for it so that it can hit is mark is tricky because lots of variables stand in the way. that broom may not always be effective for the job, but its the only tool u have in ur hand, so u use what u have. and last but not least, in time all things reach their mark -- we just need to have patience.

abnormally normal

did u ever think u would be better off not knowing some of the stuff u know?? well, right now -- that's how i feel. its like there was level of "contentment" for years to just sit passively by and not say much. it wasn't really contentment -- it was sort of a comfortable uncomfortableness -- if that makes sense. but things started to change for me when i was going through my divorce. and i knew something wasn't right -- and not just from the marriage end -- but from the relationship with god end.

the last 6 months of unemployment have allowed me time to read -- and read i have. everything i could get my hands on regarding spirituality. almost all of bill johnson's and kris valloton's books, along with the shack, he loves me, so u don't want to go to church anymore, the wounded healer, and various other books. my relationship with daddy god is being redefined -- in a good way -- but its frustrating my relationships with my two churches.

currently i'm reading pagan christianity by frank viola. this book is making me angry. i suppose that might not have been the intended reaction the author expected -- but that's what its producing in me. its like when i was reading 1 and 2 kings -- i got so mad at the kings that weren't listening to what god was saying that i had to stop reading. it was that frustrating to me.

i'm not going to stop reading this book. and i've been given the companion book to read which, i've been assured, will calm me down where the anger is seething. i surely hope so. with each new chapter in this book i think to myself -- how did we get to this place of passive acceptance that this is truly the kind of "church" that daddy god wanted.

i'm just as much to blame as the next guy -- raising the pastor to some level of holiness akin to jesus -- sitting there listening every sunday -- being spoonfed and figuring that they knew better than what i was feeling in my heart because they were -- after all -- pastors -- gone to college and all that. that what i was feeling couldn't possibly be right because if it was -- wouldn't everybody be feeling it and wanting it and begging for it???

but now i go back to my original question. would it have been better to continue to be in that place of comfortable uncomfortableness and not to know what i know. to go on listening each sunday morning and thinking -- ok, this must be it, i don't really feel anything, but certainly this must be it. because now i have this knowledge -- and like someone once said -- a little knowledge can be a dangerous thing -- and here i am -- feeling still like i'm a nobody and a no-nothing (at least to the outside world -- to daddy god i know i am everything), and who would listen to the likes of me. but here's the reality -- if i don't say it -- then i'm just as big a schmuck as all of the others who knew and said nothing. and that makes it much worse.

someone who prophesied over me recently said that i don't fit into any of the boxes that ppl want to put me in -- that i tend to want to squirm out of them. hey --i wanted to be like everybody else -- i wanted to sit there and be passive and be spoonfed and feel just like everybody else and not be "abnormal". but it never felt right -- it always felt wrong and stifled and not really what daddy wanted. but i didn't think there might be something in what i was feeling -- i just figured i was being abnormal and needed to straighten up and fly right (like my father used to say).

so now i find myself in the position of knowing that its not what daddy wanted for sure (thanks frank), and feeling like others need to know this so that they can step out of their boxed religion and come to relationship with daddy -- the kind of relationship he wants. but its gonna make me unpopular and "abnormal" and gosh darn it -- i still want to be normal. whatever normal is. but its like if i don't say it -- then there is something wrong with me and if i do say it -- there is something wrong with me. in any case, i can't get the feeling i want -- which is acceptance. but then i need to stop looking to man for acceptance -- and look only to daddy god.

ok -- so here it is -- and accept it or don't -- judge me or don't -- and if u judge me -- don't tell me -- coz i really don't wanna know.

god doesn't want us to sit in passive acceptance -- he wants us to be active participants. get up -- ask a question if u don't understand -- speak a word if god gives it to u -- feel free to pray for the person next to or in front of u -- or the pastor even, lay hands on someone if daddy tells u to. do it -- its part of being in community with each other -- we're having yada -- intercourse -- whatever u want to call it -- we're in relationship with each other. take hold of that -- and know that that is what daddy wants with us as well -- relationship, yada, communication. he wants u to come to him all the time -- and tell him what is going on in ur life -- not just the bad stuff and when u need help -- but he wants u to know that he's with u always -- every day. just talk to him -- coz he's there in the room, with u.

a lot of fuss is made about having the "right words" when u talk to him or pray -- but really he doesn't care about that because he already knows what's in ur heart -- he just wants u to talk to him -- to know that he loves u more than anything else -- that ur his precious child. so just talk to him. and listen for his voice -- and it might not come in the form of a real voice -- but it might come in the form of a passage read in a book, or a conversation with a friend who offers up just what u need to hear, or the billboard u pass on the way to work, or the person in the next aisle over at the grocery store (as bill johnson says). look for his answers everywhere. and don't worry about having the right words -- because in god's eyes ur words r right because they come from ur heart -- no matter how they come out.

and if something in church bothers u -- speak up -- don't be passive about it -- speak up -- because if its heavy on ur heart, it could be that daddy put it there for a reason. and don't feel shy about praying about something that doesn't feel right to u either. stuff was happening at my morning church and god said, "stay and pray". i wasn't sure what i should be praying for -- but god gave me words.

don't let the fear of ridicule hold u back -- like it does with me -- let it out. god didn't want us to be "lead" around by one person -- he wanted us to become community -- to come to each other and give guidance and accept advice and help from each other. its not a one person doing all the work or all the teaching. its all of us teaching each other.

i used to wonder y god put someone in my life who was 30 years younger than i was but who knew so much more spiritually than i did -- who often frustrated the heck out of me -- but now i understand -- he was showing me that teaching can come from everyone -- even those younger than our selves. he was showing me that i needed to be able to see that in everyone -- not just the "elders" or the pastor. it started me on a path of searching every day for god's ways -- not man's ways -- and not to passively sit by and accept man's ways -- but to squirm out of that box and see what daddy really wanted. for that gift -- i will be eternally grateful.

so here is it -- i'm not normal -- and i don't care. i want to squirm and wiggle and be out of the box. i want to be what daddy god wants me to be and not so much what man wants. and there is so much more to being with daddy than sitting in church one day a week and listening. there is so much more to feel from daddy than anger and judgement and disappointment in our behavior -- we need to feel his love -- his great big generous overpowering love. and if ur not feeling it -- then u need to find a way to him -- keep searching, keep asking questions, keep delving deeper into what he wants. because what he really wants from us is to be in relationship with him. he wants to be ur loving daddy.... so let him....






he is holding u -- not just by ur hand -- he is holding all of u -- accept the embrace