papa god is amazing ....

so yesterday i went for my scheduled physical therapy appointment (just one day after being in the MRI machine). after i had been suitably tugged, pushed and twisted -- she let me look at my MRI scans. pretty amazing technology they have there. they had taken scans from several different angles -- all without moving me once. i got to see my shoulder from the top down, the side in and the front and back in.

the pics were pretty telling and as the PT said, i will probably need surgery (more thoughts on this in a minute). the rotator cuff is completely torn and the muscle that the runs down from the top of the shoulder to the arm bone is "sloughing off" -- her words -- not mine -- and look "weird" (again, her word not mine). but as we all known, i'm not normal -- never have been so y should i think that a torn rotator cuff on my body would be anything but weird??

so i got this news and on the drive home my head is like digesting the thoughts and pretty much saying i don't wanna have someone cutting me open (been there and done that awake for a c-section -- not really treasuring the idea of doing it while asleep). i'm a lot older now, things that can happen on the table (operate on the wrong arm, crash while under, u get the general picture). so i started to freak (well, cry, but to me that's pretty much freaking). i had the radio on to the only christian station in the upper valley (and its range stinks but that's another story). and this song is playing -- the girl is singing that she will believe in the sun even when its not shining, keep her eyes on papa, etc. i'm like -- ok -- i get it -- but i'm still scared.... then another song comes on where the guy sings, we cry out, ur beloved needs u now -- and i'm hello -- u hit me once, i get it!! really i do. but i wanna talk to someone in the natural.

so i go to my friends' house and they lovingly allow me into their home even though i'm sort of falling apart. and we talk and pray and they set me back on the path to keeping my eyes on papa and what he wants to do here. i leave feeling so much better and i know that papa has been with me the entire time -- through the PT, through seeing the damage to the shoulder, through helping me drive to my friends', leading me to them for comfort in the natural, he was with me through all of it. he already knew the damage done, he is already healing it -- i needed the MRI for proof of the damage so when the healing comes i can have true fact-based testimony to give to his healing powers. it was awesome -- after everything was said and done to look back and see how he had been there and guided, and held me through all of it. how could i believe anything but the fact that i will be healed by him -- not by a surgeon -- but by papa god's healing power on me.

i've had a lot of angst lately -- and i've let it sometimes rule my day -- consume my sleep at night. that's not having trust or faith in papa god. that's letting the enemy get a foothold and try to take me out. i'm not going to let him. he has no power or authority over me. papa is an amazing daddy and i know he wants to provide for all our needs, we just need to pull aside our stupid silly pride and let him.

of MRIs and other early friday morning ramblings

i've been awake since 3:30. idk what that's all about. i mean really, i enjoy sleep -- good solid sound sleep with no weird dreams or tossing and turning -- worrying about how the car payment will be paid, how many pieces of jewelry i have to sell to make the car payment, etc. yeah ... it would be good just to sleep -- straight through -- no interruptions to visit the bathroom or the bedroom being too hot or too cold when i return from said bathroom visit -- or pain in a shoulder that won't let u go back to sleep and tylenol that doesn't kick in soon enough and barely takes the edge off anyhow... yeah -- sleep ....

yesterday i went for my MRI on said painful shoulder. since i'm claustrophobic, they put me in what is called an "open bore" machine. technically, this is supposed to be better than being in a regular machine. since i've never been in a regular machine, i have nothing to compare it with, but suffice to say that when ur in a tube and ur face is a mere 5 inches from the wall of said tube -- its enough to wig anyone out. the technicians were all very smiley and nice and that helps -- honestly it does -- to calm ur fears. and they slapped some lovely earphones on me so i wouldn't hear the horrible noise that the machine makes when its scanning and so the technician could actually talk to me and make sure i was doing ok. i got to listen to christian music -- but most of it was kind of mellow -- the stuff u hear at funerals. i guess they don't want u moving much so they figure they will give u soothing music to make sure u don't get carried away.

at one point as they were getting ready to "pack me in", they handed me a bulbous contraption and explained that it was my "panic button". if i got weirded out i could squeeze it and they would pull me out. to be perfectly honest, i was holding onto that thing for dear life and wouldn't have known if i was actually squeezing it or not. it was like a lifeline to the world outside!

the worst part was the way they packed my arm -- and then i had to hold it like that for the entire 35 minutes. by the time the scanning was complete and they pulled me out, my arm was pretty sore. but i guess i still have a shoulder ... ha ha i have to go see the orthopedic doctor next week and then we'll have to make some decisions i suppose.

i've been thinking a lot about the fact that idk what i would do if i didn't have health insurance or go to a hospital where if u have a financial need they would help u. i have both of these. and its a good thing i have them because one month of physical therapy (i'm in my third month now) is $1,900. i have no clue how much the bill will be for the MRI or the ortho doctor. what do ppl do who have these injuries and don't have health insurance or an understanding hospital??? and medications r getting to be so outrageously expensive. doctors don't seem to understand when they just arbitrarily say u need this or that test or this or that drug and that a good deal of the US population can't afford that stuff. and no amount of saying u really need this changes the fact that if u can't pay for it u can't pay for it. something really needs to be done about it -- but what -- idk -- is there a solution -- who knows??

see this is where my head goes when at 3:30 i can't go back to sleep -- its like this progression of thoughts all leading to what -- ha ha -- randomness....