entitlement?? i think not!

so yesterday morning on the way home from dropping off my daughter at school, i was listening to this christian radio station. on came a commentary by some guy (probably important in the christian world but i didn't recognize or remember the name) about taxes. he was seemingly outraged over a recent report stating that half of US households don't pay any income taxes. he went on to speak about how many of these families were poor or lower middle class who felt "entitled" to not having to pay income taxes or in some cases receiving refunds because of all the deductions.

honestly. i'm poor -- actually, we're so poor we don't even make it to the chart -- so that's pretty poor. i don't feel entitled to a darn thing. i'd like to have a job making a regular salary -- but i can't seem to find one. but i don't feel entitled to anything. and if this guy thinks that living in subsidized housing is an entitlement, then he needs to come here and live for a while and see if its really all he thinks it is. i don't get food stamps and i occasionally will visit the local foodbank (but i don't go every month or every week like some folks i know and i don't take everything that is offered either). never ever have i felt that i was entitled to anything.

recently during this whole health care debate, i asked the question about how poor ppl without an income or who weren't making ends meet now were supposed to afford to "buy" this required health care, and someone (an acquaintance of mine) made the statement that i shouldn't worry because some other taxpayer would be forced to pay a larger amount in order for those of us who couldn't afford it to be "entitled" to it.

i'm really tired of ppl using this word. in the bible, we r commanded by jesus to feed the hungry, house the homeless, clothe the naked, right the injustices, break the chains. christians need to get a grip on this because not only is it stated by jesus -- its stated by god (isaiah 58) that that is the kind of "fasting" he requires. u can't "give" it and then be negative about it by saying we feel "entitled" to it.

here's the reality -- yes, there r ppl who milk the system for all they can get. but there r also ppl who don't have anywhere else to go, nothing else to stand on, who genuinely need a helping hand and to lump us all together because u feel the tax/government system is broken and its all "our fault" is an unfair assessment. try living in my shoes for a day, week, month, year -- maybe ur views would be softened and changed. we aren't all leeches -- some of us r just trying to get by.

well-meaning ....

so a couple/three weeks ago i went for a job interview (won't say where) and it was like the first job interview i'd had in a while and it was with 5 ppl. i have never interviewed with 5 ppl asking me questions (kinda like a firing squad). at any rate, i thought i had done pretty well during the interview, although maybe i mentioned papa god too much (but he does come along with the package so get used to it) and it was at a church, so u would think they would understand. and maybe i was too flippant about the fact that i really didn't care too much how much it paid or the benefits (there were none) or vacation time (well maybe just a little) and after all, i'd worked as a church secretary before and so why shouldn't u hire me (when asked y should we hire u). but as u can guess by the tone of all this, i didn't get the job. i got a very nicely hand written note saying that although they were very (their emphasis not mine) impressed with my credentials they had given the job to another candidate. which in job lingo means either i blew the interview or i'm too old for the position or they were looking at someone from the church to begin with (i'd like to take this as the reason if u don't mind) or a myriad of reasons that i'll never know because it wasn't spelled out in the note.

honestly, at one point one of the interviewers asked me if i saw this part-time job as a stepping stone to something else. i had to think about this because i'm 54 for crying out loud. so, what would it be a stepping stone to?? death?? i mean it was a legitimate interview type question, but the reality is that i'm 54 and the probability of this being a stepping stone to anything is slim to none. if i were 20 or 30 -- maybe yes, but not at 54. this is the time in ppl's lives when they start thinking about "winding down" -- since i never got wound up, the probability is that its not going to happen now.

at any rate, i digress because its not the job or the interview or the rejection that is troubling me -- because i've been this route a lot of times before (like when i didn't even get an interview for a job as a data entry clerk at the local feed store -- a job i could have probably done in my sleep). what's troubling me is ppl's reactions to me. and some of these ppl r christians and probably ought to know better.

so one common reaction is "well, that just means that god doesn't want u there and has something better lined up for u". which on the surface seems like a really great comment to make, and i have to admit that i have used it myself for friends who have had job rejections, but it isn't really helpful in that i already know that papa god might well have had other plans for me. however, one look at my practically non-existent bank account tells u that i need a job with an income NOW. and i do trust papa god to find the right thing for me at the right time and that his timing is never my timing, but honestly, this is cutting things to the quick if u ask me and i've been bleeding for quite some time and that really needs to stop soon.

another reaction i get is, "well, u don't want to work there because they rn't a spirit-filled church and u'd be unhappy there". excuse me, but where in the bible does it say that i can only work in spirit filled places? if that were true, then there would be very few jobs for christians in this world and we'd have a lot of unemployed christians needing to live on assistance. on the contrary, i think we r called to go out into the world and work and be among the world and still shine papa god's light and possibly bring ppl to papa god by shining his light. jesus hung with all sorts of ppl who were "frowned upon" by the priests and elders. but what he said was that it was the healthy who needed the doctor -- it was the sick. so i don't get this attitude of some christians that we're only supposed to be working or playing or whatever in places or with ppl that r spirit-filled. what kind of a weird clique is that? and to be honest, i've worked in a lot of places where i wasn't particularly happy but i kept working there and doing a really good job, and dropping it at the door as i left for the day because i can do that - especially when i need the paycheck. i know a lot of ppl who can do that. i don't think i'm weird in this respect. where does it say that because we believe in god and jesus that we're entitled to complete and utter happiness 100% of the time?? i'm pretty sure it doesn't say that anywhere in the bible -- at least i haven't found it yet.

its strange to think that because i haven't worked in the real world for 20 years doing something i was so very good at that now i can't get a job. especially considering that i haven't lost any of the skills -- and if anything, have only improved -- although its not something that shows on paper. and maybe that isn't the reason they didn't offer me the job -- maybe i really did blow the interview because i seemed "over confident" or whatever. if they only knew that 5 years ago they would have had to scrape me off the pavement for the low self-esteem and that where i am today is a huge improvement over the mousey little twit that i was -- and that's not to demean anyone but me where i was -- so please don't take that personally. but if, in fact, the reason they didn't hire me was because there was an internal candidate that was a better fit, that's great. because my response to the interviewers was that i wanted to be where papa god wanted me and what would be a good fit for me and for them. so at this point, since i have no real explanation for the rejection, i will take this to mean that they found someone who is a good fit for them, someone that god wants in that position and i will keep looking and keep my eyes on papa god and trusting him. and i will continue to refrain from telling my well-meaning christian friends what i think when their responses match the ones above -- this i do in love.

cool stuff

i am watching on ibethel.tv/onair the Open Heavens Conference that is being live streamed there from the Bethel School of Supernatural Ministry in Redding, CA. i love Bill Johnson's books and teachings and get all the podcasts from there as well -- so this is just so cool to participate in the worship service and then to watch the teachings. you should check it out:

Open Heavens Conference
once there u'll have to email them ur email addy so they can send u the code to watch the streaming -- and if u have a Mac (like i do), u'll have to download Flip4Mac -- but its so worth it. i have learned so much by watching and listening to messages out of bethel for the last three years, and from reading books written by Bill Johnson and Kris Vallotton. check it out and be blessed!!

gifts from papa...

for about two and a half hours today i was outside on some back dirt road taking photos. one of the ppl (jeff) who goes to my morning church and leads worship from time to time is producing his own cd filled with his own songs and needed photos for the front and back covers. i offered to help -- idk how much help i was in that dept. but we took a few pics and there might be a couple that would work for them.

while we were on this excursion, we had a chance to talk about some things. its interesting to "compare notes" with other christians from time to time about their journey. sometimes i find myself "preaching to myself" when attempting to encourage others to keep on their journey with papa. i hear stuff coming out of my mouth that has not been in my head and i know its from papa.

the best part of today -- aside from the gleaning of a new relationship with another one of papa's kids -- was being outside in papa's world -- with all the painted leaves. at one point we went past the river where the water was so still it was like a mirror. somewhere upstream the water was flowing swiftly and i wondered, how did it get so still further downstream when it was flowing so heavily upstream. just another wonder of papa's.

i love this time of year because the colors r so pretty and its just another reminder that there is something greater than any of us directing this amazing scenery change. as we stood on the back roads today (and some of them were really back roads barely big enough for one car), i could take in all the beauty and know that papa was right there with us. its those little blessings that help keep me going. while others may look for the huge miracles, i know that the little miracles r just as important in papa's grand scheme of things.

i remember one sunday when jeff was leading worship. i was in a particularly bad place in my life -- feeling unloved and unloveable. i wondered how anyone could ever love me. jeff came in carrying this gnarly piece of birch. during worship he held it up and talked about how most of us see ourselves as this gnarled ugly piece of wood, but that papa sees us as this beautiful 12-string guitar. he suggested that we needed to start seeing ourselves as that guitar -- as papa sees us. it was a turning point for me because it was then that i realized that i wasn't seeing myself as that precious daughter of a king but as something so much less. that if i ever was to come into relationship with papa i was going to have to start seeing myself as he saw me.

i don't always succeed and sometimes the enemy whispers lies into my head that make me start to slip into that ugly space -- but papa always finds a way to pull me back -- either through encouragement from another or a sign. its a wonderful gift. i hope that he continues to use me to help others through encouraging them. even that is a gift from papa....