i've been awake since 3:30. idk what that's all about. i mean really, i enjoy sleep -- good solid sound sleep with no weird dreams or tossing and turning -- worrying about how the car payment will be paid, how many pieces of jewelry i have to sell to make the car payment, etc. yeah ... it would be good just to sleep -- straight through -- no interruptions to visit the bathroom or the bedroom being too hot or too cold when i return from said bathroom visit -- or pain in a shoulder that won't let u go back to sleep and tylenol that doesn't kick in soon enough and barely takes the edge off anyhow... yeah -- sleep ....yesterday i went for my MRI on said painful shoulder. since i'm claustrophobic, they put me in what is called an "open bore" machine. technically, this is supposed to be better than being in a regular machine. since i've never been in a regular machine, i have nothing to compare it with, but suffice to say that when ur in a tube and ur face is a mere 5 inches from the wall of said tube -- its enough to wig anyone out. the technicians were all very smiley and nice and that helps -- honestly it does -- to calm ur fears. and they slapped some lovely earphones on me so i wouldn't hear the horrible noise that the machine makes when its scanning and so the technician could actually talk to me and make sure i was doing ok. i got to listen to christian music -- but most of it was kind of mellow -- the stuff u hear at funerals. i guess they don't want u moving much so they figure they will give u soothing music to make sure u don't get carried away.
at one point as they were getting ready to "pack me in", they handed me a bulbous contraption and explained that it was my "panic button". if i got weirded out i could squeeze it and they would pull me out. to be perfectly honest, i was holding onto that thing for dear life and wouldn't have known if i was actually squeezing it or not. it was like a lifeline to the world outside!
the worst part was the way they packed my arm -- and then i had to hold it like that for the entire 35 minutes. by the time the scanning was complete and they pulled me out, my arm was pretty sore. but i guess i still have a shoulder ... ha ha i have to go see the orthopedic doctor next week and then we'll have to make some decisions i suppose.
i've been thinking a lot about the fact that idk what i would do if i didn't have health insurance or go to a hospital where if u have a financial need they would help u. i have both of these. and its a good thing i have them because one month of physical therapy (i'm in my third month now) is $1,900. i have no clue how much the bill will be for the MRI or the ortho doctor. what do ppl do who have these injuries and don't have health insurance or an understanding hospital??? and medications r getting to be so outrageously expensive. doctors don't seem to understand when they just arbitrarily say u need this or that test or this or that drug and that a good deal of the US population can't afford that stuff. and no amount of saying u really need this changes the fact that if u can't pay for it u can't pay for it. something really needs to be done about it -- but what -- idk -- is there a solution -- who knows??
see this is where my head goes when at 3:30 i can't go back to sleep -- its like this progression of thoughts all leading to what -- ha ha -- randomness....
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