waiting

But blessed is the man who trusts in the Lord, whose confidence is in him. He will be like a tree planted by the water that sends out its roots by the stream. It does not fear when heat comes; its leaves are always green. It has no worries in a year of drought, and never fails to bear fruit. Jeremiah 17:7-9


i'm in a season of drought right now. i am not sure what papa god wants for me. i know what he didn't want -- he made that plain enough -- but what he wants isn't clear. so i am waiting.

i've never been a very patient person. the waiting is really hard. especially when there is no money coming in, the sales rn't happening in my little business i started, when jobs i used to have seem like something i can't do any more because i've fallen so far behind the times. its times like this that really test me, test my faith... but maybe that's the plan -- to see how long i will hang in there.

one day a while ago, i went to church and someone i barely know came up to me and hugged me and said, "ur like job. u hang in there even though everything is crashing down around u". but i'm not job. and sometimes i find it hard to "hang in there". sometimes i just want to lay down and stop the world, stop the craziness, stop the pain. i don't -- i never would. its usually at those times that i realize that papa is holding me. it may not feel like that is what is happening, but that is exactly what is happening.

someone i was chatting with online yesterday told me about a dream that papa gave them -- a place he took them to in their sleep. i found myself jealous that this happens to others and never to me. lately, i've found myself to be jealous of a lot of other ppl and the things they get to do with papa that i don't get to do. the places that papa takes them to grow spiritually, that i don't get to go to. maybe i'm not supposed to be in those places -- but i have a desire in my heart to go there. so the jealousy filters in when i find out that others have gotten to go there. what kind of christian does that make me -- to be jealous of another's time with papa.

i've found myself being nostalgic about stuff and missing things from the past and wondering what would have happened if .... its dumb i know. kicking myself in the butt for this or that decision that turned things in a bad direction. what ifs r never productive and almost always end with feelings of regret. i have a lot of them.

i have faith that papa will bring me through this drought. its just really hard being in the desert and not seeing an oasis on the horizon anywhere. i know i'm not the only person who has these desert times. i know in some respects i have it better than most and really have nothing to complain about. and i know that papa loves me and wants only the best for me, so i try to be patient and trust in his timing. that doesn't mean that while i'm waiting i won't suffer pain, regret, sorrow....

in the meantime i'm just going to keep playing the song "everlasting god"....