nothing i can do ....

some things in life u just can't do anything about. they just have to run their course and nothing u can say or do will make a difference. right now today is one of those times and the feelings that my daughter is experiencing at the sudden death of her beloved cat, Charlie, is one of those things ....

yesterday morning my ex called. i wasn't expecting him to call me and by the tone in his voice i could tell that there was something serious going on. i almost dreaded what he was about to say. he said that there had been a tragedy at his house that morning. i knew it wasn't our son james because he would have been more upset than he was, so i figured it had to be one of the two cats we had.

maki -- our older cat -- is a tiger kitty. we got him at the local humane society. he's talkative and likes to be held and petted and take over ur lap or ur bed. he's loyal. the time i was having issues with my inner ear he would lay on the bed with me and when i got up for something he would follow me there and back. he didn't want to leave my side. from what i hear, he's still that way, but i don't get to see him much at all now that sammy has gone off to college. he's older than charlie by a couple of years, so obviously my first thought was of maki.

charlie was very much sammy's cat. she picked her out at the humane society. we brought her home and she cried and cried or hid. i told sammy if she kept it up we might have to take her back because obviously she wasn't fitting in well with maki and our family. but soon she let it be known that she was the boss. she would chase maki around and around the apt. until he would jump up on the counter to get away from her. she, however, was not much of a jumper. she had a bit of a pudge... but she was a sweet little calico girl and sammy taught her how to raise her paw for treats or just to be petted. charlie was the second thought ...

and of course, with that thought came, oh my, sammy's at college, she doesn't know, how will this affect her.... her father wanted to go down today and tell her face to face. i thought it was better to bring her home and tell her here and let her spend the rest of the weekend here surrounded by the ppl who love her and could support her during her grieving rather than being left alone in a dorm room. since she had expressed a desire to come home this weekend, but had been unable to because of a school commitment in the early afternoon, i had an excuse to call her and tell her i was going to come and get her and bring her home. her father made me promise not to tell her -- he wanted to tell her -- face to face. so i picked up my excited and happy child, knowing all the while that soon her world would be shattered and sad...

as we got close to home, i told her she should call her dad, which she did, and he told her over the phone (something he'd said he didn't want to do) while i was driving. the ability to comfort her was hindered by the need to keep the car on the road and blink my own tears out of my eyes. she said she wasn't there to hold her and she just wanted to hold her (as i knew she might), but her beloved kitty was at the vet's and would not be able to seen until monday at the earliest but she needed to go back to school today and wouldn't be back till thurs. so it would be a long time and she wouldn't be the same after all that time. we got to the apartment. we sat and talked about charlie. she looked for photos of charlie. i found photos i had taken and emailed them to her. we talked about what she wanted to do now. bring her home and bury her, have her cremated, etc. did she still want to see her, maybe it would be better to remember her as she was. then she called her father and he came over. and we discussed what should be done now.

she wanted to watch a happy movie but while we waited for Princess Diaries to come on, she switched the channel and there was cats 101. she decided to watch it and we would discuss the similarities to or differences from charlie and maki. and what about maki? even though he fought with charlie -- they had their moments when they would nuzzle each other's faces or lick each other. he had been walking around the house looking for charlie, probably wondering where she had disappeared to because she liked to hide. probably thinking that she had done a damn good job of hiding this time since he couldn't find her. how much did he understand??? would he miss her??

today sammy went to her father's for the first time and broke down. i expected it -- she would look around for her kitty and it would sink in that she wasn't there. it was just a reminder that she had died. i remember this feeling when my mom died. i remember thinking, it was all a bad dream and i would walk through the door and she would greet me and kiss me and hug me and tell me how silly i had been to believe that she could die. of course, she didn't greet me and there was no reassurance. she was very much gone and it was so evident when i walked through the door. sammy was feeling that today. and i couldn't stay to comfort her because i had to go to work. and would it matter if i had stayed because what can i say to take away the pain she is feeling right now?? what can i do to make her feel better?? nothing. and all i can do is pray for her and be here if she wants to talk or cry or watch some movie to cheer her up. it won't make the pain of loss any less. so its truly one of those times when i can do nothing ...

RIP charlie girl ... u will be greatly missed ...