Saturday, June 5, 2010

good all the time ...

sometimes life just sucks. but papa god is always good and always faithful.

i keep telling myself this whenever anything radical or depressing happens in my life. because i need to be reminded that the crummy stuff doesn't come from papa.

my daughter is about to graduate -- in 5 days exactly. there has been a lot of "upheaval" in the house because of it. my father and his girlfriend r coming. i need to completely hull out my bedroom so they can sleep in there, and hull out the spare room so i can sleep in there and basically, there is no place to hull this stuff to, not to mention all the stressors that go along with having company in the apartment. -- especially when they come with their own demands and idiosyncrasies. the area around the building looks more like a war zone than a decent living area. i have no money for food or gas or even the $19 that my daughter needs for her cap and gown, let alone to throw her a graduation party and if i could throw a party, where would i hold it and who could come without upsetting certain ppl's days. there r issues surrounding where the ex will be and when since my father doesn't want to be around him (after all, he did break his daughter's heart -- blah blah blah) and that is putting pressure on me to try and keep three people happy (my father, my daughter, and my ex -- in precisely that order even though i'd rather not keep the ex happy and the daughter really should be first). i've been through something similar 4 years ago when my son graduated, so this isn't totally unfamiliar territory, but how many balls do i have to keep in the air to keep everybody (possibly including myself) happy??

some where in this messy mix is me -- oh wait, no, i'm not in the mix because all my life i've jumped through hoops to try and keep other ppl happy (much like i suppose my mom did) while realizing that my happiness wasn't very important in the grand scheme of things.

yesterday someone reminded me that i need to speak up -- to not let ppl walk all over me. but do i really? i mean what good does it do to tell ppl exactly what's on in ur mind? i tried that with the ex -- it got me nowhere except into the brick wall he put up -- and that was in our marriage and subsequent divorce. face it, some ppl just don't give a darn if ur miserable or not as long as their happiness is intact -- so what good does it do to tell them ur miserable.

unfortunately, i've never been very good at hiding my feelings. basically i did try that for years and occasionally it would all tumble out of the closet and lie there on the floor in a big ugly mess -- months of miserableness that had been hidden away because someone else couldn't deal with the reality of it -- it wasn't pretty. so when i got word (through a prophet) from papa god that i should take off the masks and come out of the closet (so to speak) and let ppl see the real me, i had three immediate thoughts. the first was, nobody wants to see the real me -- it ain't pretty. and the second was, i don't know how to do that. and the third was why should i bother when nobody else cares?

i've learned a lot since that word was given, and i'm probably more vocal and open now with my feelings at the time they r happening -- which may or may not be a good thing -- i'm still debating that. another thing i've learned is that sometimes it doesn't matter what ur feeling or what u say ur feeling, the other person really doesn't care (actually, i learned this during my marriage but its still an important aspect of this whole "feeling/relationship" thing), and u have to be open to the prospect that you can share it all and get no reaction at the other end and be ok with that (which is the part i have taken some strides in). and probably the most important thing i've learned is that even if no one else cares, what ur feeling matters and the one being (besides yourself) that it matters most to is papa god. so no matter what kind of reaction (or non-reaction) u get from anyone else, u can be sure that papa god is cradling u in his arms and feeling for u.

so back to my original statement -- sometimes life just sucks -- but papa god is always good and always faithful. and this is one reason why i want him with me all the time. because he is the one constant i can rely on. if i need a listening ear, his is always ready. a shoulder to cry on, his is strong. a confident for my heartfelt emotions, he is there. someone to give me comfort and guidance and wisdom in all situations and tell me what i need to hear. he validates me and what i'm feeling. what more can i ask for? he gives me what no human on earth can give me -- and i feel loved because he is in my life. and when the sucky stuff happens -- i can get through it because i know he's got my back. i might be miserable and crying and letting it all hang out, but i know i can pull it back together when it really matters because he's there and hanging onto me. i need him and i can't imagine how i would ever get through it all without him.

No comments: