thoughts on dating ....

its been over 4 years since my divorce was final. mind, i think mentally i was divorced long before papers were filed. after my divorce, i took this divorce care class where they took u through all the stages of grief and basically tried to set u on the right path again. they said that for every 5 years of marriage it typically took 1 year of healing. i was married almost 22 years (missed that anniversary by 1.5 months) -- so by their calculations it should take me about 4.4 years to be completely healed, and ready to "date" again.

who r they kidding. the fact of the matter is that i'm not ready to date. i'm not sure i'll ever be ready to date. i don't want to date. ppl (friends) r trying to push me to date -- i'm shaking my head no. they r saying that i need to be taken out and treated nicely -- like a woman should be -- because i've never had that. they r nuts...

shortly before the divorce was final my daughter and i were at a store waiting in line to cash out and we got to talking about a friend who had divorced and remarried within a short period of time. at that point, my then 12 yo daughter spouted, "mom, ur not datable". i was stunned -- was it because i was too ugly, too old, too fat, too w/e? i needed to know so i asked and she said, "because ur a mom" -- like being a mom meant that i shouldn't be dating. and she's really kind of right on in that regard now that i have had time to think about it.

basically, what it comes down to is that i have a lot of insecurities and issues with dating. first of all, i don't trust my own instincts. and its not that i wouldn't mind having a companion to spend time with and do things together. i just don't want all the encumbrances that go with that. not on a daily basis, anyhow. and the other thing is that i'm not sure i'm meant to be with anyone but papa god.

when i first got divorced a prophet said to me -- u know that chip u have on ur shoulder that says u don't need a man in ur life to complete u -- well, i'm here to tell u u do, and his name is jesus. at the time i sort of blew it off -- but honestly, that is what my life has become -- jesus completing the picture.

so what do i do when presented with a male who might be interested in dating. i run and hide and protest because it doesn't feel right to me. in my head -- i'm married to jesus. what man can compete with that and come out on top?? none.

so to all my well-meaning friends -- stop trying to fix me up. i love u all dearly and i understand ur wanting to "help the old girl along" -- but the old girl is doing just fine with papa god as her man. and she can't wait for the bridegroom to come!!