very very early this morning as i was laying in bed, i was talking with papa god and was thanking him for all the blessings he gives me, but i was struggling financially and he knows this so its not like i'm telling him anything he doesn't already know, but i just needed to say it out loud. and could he please direct me to the job i'm supposed to have so i can apply for it (coz quite honestly applying for all these other jobs and either hearing nothing or being rejected after an interview is starting to wear me down). and like always, i thanked papa god for loving me so much to take care of me and how much i love him and ended by reciting the lord's prayer. my conversations with papa r sometimes short and to the point ... no real need to drag it out with a bunch of flowery speech coz he knows it all and just wants us to have the conversation with him in the first place.... and when i was done i laid there and tried to think of things i had that might be worth something that i could maybe sell to help me out of this mess (the list was VERY short). but as i fell back asleep i distinctly felt like i was supposed to trust papa god to take care of this one ...
so if u have read the previous note on potholes, u know that i had a "little" car issue. well, i've been waiting to hear back from the insurance company about my car but this morning the phone rang and it was lonny from gerrish honda and he said, "your car is all done and ready to be picked up". and i said, "ok, so how much do i owe?" thinking that i would need to wait to hear from the insurance company to pay for it. to which he replied, "its all paid for." I said, "excuse me -- by whom? how did that happen?" to which he replied, "I'm just supposed to tell u that God loves u".
i immediately called amy because she had said she would give me the money when she got her child support check, and i had told her no, but amy sometimes doesn't listen and goes ahead and does what amy wants without thinking twice about it. but amy swears that it wasn't her -- that for once she listened to what i said. did my towing angel come to my rescue again? did the methodist church pay for it? did one of my friends who read my testimony about the events of that day pay for it? idk -- but i want to thank them for their generosity and caring. they r truly angels on this earth and its awesome testimony to the power of papa god and how much he loves all of us that he would take care of the financial car problems of one seemingly insignificant person by bringing so many angels into the mix.
angel on earth -- whoever u are -- thank u for stepping out in papa god's word and helping me. i know that papa god will bless u mightily for taking care of the "least of these" and blessing me in this way. blessings ....
Showing posts with label papa god. Show all posts
Showing posts with label papa god. Show all posts
Tuesday, October 26, 2010
Tuesday, April 27, 2010
goodbye trees ....
well, its official. they started tearing down all the ash trees in the housing development i live in. idk. and the bushes r coming out today. its looking a lot like a war zone here with the siding off all the buildings and insulation exposed and trucks and diggers all over the place. i just want to cry.
i had asked if we could ball the bushes that were still in great shape (the one outside my door is very much alive and thriving and a home for the birds), but i was told no. i don't understand any of it. but we've tried fighting it and we just get smacked back down to the hole where they think we belong.
as for the nonsense in the kitchens -- that is going full steam ahead as well. the state asbestos guy was here yesterday and even though he said that he hadn't seen any actual paperwork saying that the asbestos tests came back negative he didn't have any reason not to believe that the tests hadn't been done. and he couldn't help us with regard to the foam insulation causing health issues or the possibility of lead because it wasn't his "department". when pressed for who we should contact he said, "i can't really say." he did all of this in front of the reporter from the local paper.
of course in the midst of all this i am having my own little mini-meltdown and still trying to keep my eyes on papa god. only he can save us. tomorrow some friends r coming over to bless my apt. i have asked if they would consider blessing the whole building because my neighbors have asked. this surprised me because some of them rn't christians or rn't practicing christians -- but u never know. it can't hurt.
i don't want to move -- i really can't afford to move anywhere at this point since i don't have a job and no savings to speak of. but i was in tears this morning at the thought of losing the bushes and trees. i wonder -- is papa god crying too over the destruction we cause to his earth?
i had asked if we could ball the bushes that were still in great shape (the one outside my door is very much alive and thriving and a home for the birds), but i was told no. i don't understand any of it. but we've tried fighting it and we just get smacked back down to the hole where they think we belong.
as for the nonsense in the kitchens -- that is going full steam ahead as well. the state asbestos guy was here yesterday and even though he said that he hadn't seen any actual paperwork saying that the asbestos tests came back negative he didn't have any reason not to believe that the tests hadn't been done. and he couldn't help us with regard to the foam insulation causing health issues or the possibility of lead because it wasn't his "department". when pressed for who we should contact he said, "i can't really say." he did all of this in front of the reporter from the local paper.
of course in the midst of all this i am having my own little mini-meltdown and still trying to keep my eyes on papa god. only he can save us. tomorrow some friends r coming over to bless my apt. i have asked if they would consider blessing the whole building because my neighbors have asked. this surprised me because some of them rn't christians or rn't practicing christians -- but u never know. it can't hurt.
i don't want to move -- i really can't afford to move anywhere at this point since i don't have a job and no savings to speak of. but i was in tears this morning at the thought of losing the bushes and trees. i wonder -- is papa god crying too over the destruction we cause to his earth?
Thursday, April 1, 2010
misfits ...
so this morning i went to have a snack with a friend at panera. this guy and his wife r amazing ppl, with so much of the heart of god in them and so loving to papa god's children -- its just awesomeness!! at any rate, we always joke around about how "weird" i am -- basically how weird we both r and some of our good friends and how weird they r. we're not conventional christians. u know what i'm talking about -- the ones who go to church on sundays, say hi-dee ho-dee to u and then blow u off for the rest of the week. the ppl who put their money in the bucket and forget about where it might actually being going and what it might actually be doing for other brothers and sisters (and i'm not talking about brothers and sisters as in other christians, but as in other ppl). but see that's where the weirdness comes in because i firmly believe that we're all brother and sisters coz we're all god's children -- yeah i might get hate mail for this ....
so after spending a couple of hours with my friend and talking about how radically different we r and how much we love papa god's ppl and want to be free to express papa god's love to all his children, etc., etc., i came away thinking about the land of the misfit toys and was prepared to write a blog all wrapped around that. and so i googled it and this amazing blog came up:
and i realized after reading it, that maybe we're not so weird after all. that there r maybe more of us out there than meets the eye. more of us who choose to not just know the stories and understand the theology, but who choose to put it into action. and it made me happy.
i had just said earlier that i was relishing my weirdness and how wonderful it was because papa god made me that way and he loves me that way. and he loves all his children in the wonderful ways that he made them as well. but ppl kept asking me what normal was and i didn't have an answer because i'm weird and i don't really know what normal is. and someone said that normal was the setting on the washing machine. which made me laugh. and isn't that wonderful and weird in its own kind of weirdness way.
so maybe those of us who profess to be weird r really the norm. maybe there r more of us out there that want to just love each other and be in relationship (not the sexual kind but the Koinonia kind) with each other. and its so cool to find other ppl who feel the same way. and so i'm wondering -- how many of us r there?? think of all the ppl we could introduce to papa god by just shining his light and loving on his children. its an awesomeness kind of moment for me ... and so i had to share ...
Saturday, January 2, 2010
lessons learned from one small autistic boy ...
well, the holidays r almost over, and we're heading back to the routine. monday morning will bring rushing around to get ready and driving daughter to school and then i'm off to help a family with two small boys who have autism. i will help the boys get dressed and fed and off to school two or three mornings a week.
during the holidays, another friend and i took them to the local school yard where they could sled and play in the snow. the younger boy is milder in his autism, but the oldest boy (the one i'm really taking care of) has an extreme form -- so rare that only about 100 cases in the world have been diagnosed. he's a really sweet boy -- although he does have his moments. he doesn't speak, but he does have ways of communicating (some sign language and a book of pictures of things he likes). but even though he can't speak, he can show joy and sadness and pain and love. the last one is the one that always gets my heart. he will come and look at me and then hug me -- or he'll come up behind me when i'm not looking and give me a big hug. he's just so affectionate.
one day, after i first started helping them, when i was waiting for his paraeducator to come to the house to get him for school, he was sitting in the chair looking out the window and i was singing to him. he loves to listen to ppl sing and i like to sing worship music to him. at any rate, just at that moment i saw this glimpse of how god saw him -- as a little boy with so much potential and any thoughts i had of self-doubt about being able to work with him, went away. my heart broke, just like i knew papa god's had, over the fact that that potential might now be lost due to his disability and i started praying for him, his brother, and his family.
again, i am reminded that sometimes we need to look at others and see what god sees. sometimes that is difficult to do if we have been hurt or betrayed by that person.
recently i had a conversation with someone who had moved out of the area a while ago and came back for a visit. i saw them at church on two separate occasions and then later in the week talked to them in chat. i have to preface that the relationship i had had with this person before they moved away was sometimes difficult and hurtful, but, it was a relationship that had a good deal to do with where i am now in my walk with papa god, so there is still a good deal of love and appreciation in my heart for them.
during the conversation they were talking about how they saw me wearing my gray sweater on the two occasions we had seen each other recently. i said, "i'm sorry, i wasn't wearing my gray sweater -- i don't wear that sweater any more since it has a hole in the elbow of one sleeve." he was insistent that i had been wearing that same sweater and i was just as insistent that i had not and explained the two different outfits i had worn both times.
what struck me, and as i explained to him, was that sometimes we can't see past the "person who was" to the "person who is now". that the sweater was just a symbol of something deeper. like my father and brother can't see past the 5 year old little girl to the almost 54 year old woman i am now. there's an image there that we either can't or r unwilling to let go of to see the person who is now.
the great thing about papa god is that he sees us as to the ppl we will become -- the potential. he also sees us where we r all along the way, but it doesn't hinder him in any way to seeing the person we r to become. if we get words about us from papa god, we need to keep them present in our lives because it helps us to see ourselves as papa sees us. but i believe its even more important to listen to the words from papa god given to others so that we can see them as papa sees them. this gives us guidance then for encouraging them and supporting them so they can come into their full potential in papa god. even more than that -- it allows us to put aside any judgements we might have about someone based on their treatment of us and allow us to continue to love them and appreciate who they will become.
i have to admit that i haven't always been the best at this -- as a matter of fact when it comes to certain ppl (the ex for example), i have failed terribly. i continue to try to see him how papa sees him, but as of this writing i have been unsuccessful and therefore, allow all the hurt feelings and bitterness come into my heart when i have to deal with him. i'm a work in progress, i'm not perfect, and i know that at some point in my life, i will get past this and be able to see him as papa sees him. so i'm not professing perfection here, just suggesting a different way of looking at someone. and to think, it all began in earnest because of working with one small loving boy....
during the holidays, another friend and i took them to the local school yard where they could sled and play in the snow. the younger boy is milder in his autism, but the oldest boy (the one i'm really taking care of) has an extreme form -- so rare that only about 100 cases in the world have been diagnosed. he's a really sweet boy -- although he does have his moments. he doesn't speak, but he does have ways of communicating (some sign language and a book of pictures of things he likes). but even though he can't speak, he can show joy and sadness and pain and love. the last one is the one that always gets my heart. he will come and look at me and then hug me -- or he'll come up behind me when i'm not looking and give me a big hug. he's just so affectionate.
one day, after i first started helping them, when i was waiting for his paraeducator to come to the house to get him for school, he was sitting in the chair looking out the window and i was singing to him. he loves to listen to ppl sing and i like to sing worship music to him. at any rate, just at that moment i saw this glimpse of how god saw him -- as a little boy with so much potential and any thoughts i had of self-doubt about being able to work with him, went away. my heart broke, just like i knew papa god's had, over the fact that that potential might now be lost due to his disability and i started praying for him, his brother, and his family.
again, i am reminded that sometimes we need to look at others and see what god sees. sometimes that is difficult to do if we have been hurt or betrayed by that person.
recently i had a conversation with someone who had moved out of the area a while ago and came back for a visit. i saw them at church on two separate occasions and then later in the week talked to them in chat. i have to preface that the relationship i had had with this person before they moved away was sometimes difficult and hurtful, but, it was a relationship that had a good deal to do with where i am now in my walk with papa god, so there is still a good deal of love and appreciation in my heart for them.
during the conversation they were talking about how they saw me wearing my gray sweater on the two occasions we had seen each other recently. i said, "i'm sorry, i wasn't wearing my gray sweater -- i don't wear that sweater any more since it has a hole in the elbow of one sleeve." he was insistent that i had been wearing that same sweater and i was just as insistent that i had not and explained the two different outfits i had worn both times.
what struck me, and as i explained to him, was that sometimes we can't see past the "person who was" to the "person who is now". that the sweater was just a symbol of something deeper. like my father and brother can't see past the 5 year old little girl to the almost 54 year old woman i am now. there's an image there that we either can't or r unwilling to let go of to see the person who is now.
the great thing about papa god is that he sees us as to the ppl we will become -- the potential. he also sees us where we r all along the way, but it doesn't hinder him in any way to seeing the person we r to become. if we get words about us from papa god, we need to keep them present in our lives because it helps us to see ourselves as papa sees us. but i believe its even more important to listen to the words from papa god given to others so that we can see them as papa sees them. this gives us guidance then for encouraging them and supporting them so they can come into their full potential in papa god. even more than that -- it allows us to put aside any judgements we might have about someone based on their treatment of us and allow us to continue to love them and appreciate who they will become.
i have to admit that i haven't always been the best at this -- as a matter of fact when it comes to certain ppl (the ex for example), i have failed terribly. i continue to try to see him how papa sees him, but as of this writing i have been unsuccessful and therefore, allow all the hurt feelings and bitterness come into my heart when i have to deal with him. i'm a work in progress, i'm not perfect, and i know that at some point in my life, i will get past this and be able to see him as papa sees him. so i'm not professing perfection here, just suggesting a different way of looking at someone. and to think, it all began in earnest because of working with one small loving boy....
Thursday, December 31, 2009
Harry Potter and the Ex
a couple of months ago my almost 18yo daughter (my youngest child) came to me and asked me if i would take her to the harry potter exhibit in boston for her 18th birthday -- coming up in january. at the time i said that if i had the money we would go. now in the back of my head i was doing this silent calculation of how much the bus down and back would be ($140) and the cost of the tickets (unsure) and what a taxi from the bus station to the exhibit and back would cost (also unsure) and knew that somehow this might not come to pass. but i also knew that i had a few months to try and make this happen.
one day before xmas my child asked me again and i basically told her that it wasn't going to be possible because #1 i didn't have enough funds to get us through xmas without help and #2 since my birthday is also in january my car needs to be registered (its all done by b'days here in NH) and inspected -- at least an extra $200 i didn't have. so i didn't see how it was going to be possible for me to take her to the harry potter exhibit. i suggested she ask her father, since she's with him on her birthday anyhow.
so, i guess she took me up on that suggestion. and mind, its my own fault for saying it. but at the time i was feeling a lot like the reason i was in the financial pickle i was in was because of his uncaring attitude (since he stopped paying me alimony after only three years). he seems to have an unending supply of money and not just from his job -- but for a long time his parents and brother were sending him money left and right. even though he really didn't need it. but whatever ....
at any rate, as the date for them to go to boston looms closer and closer, i find myself getting sadder and sadder that i can't take her and that he can. i find myself being resentful for his financial ability to give her whatever she wants whenever she wants and my inability to even provide the most basic of needs. and i know that i need to give it over to god because it just eats away at me and makes me dislike my ex even more than i had when i found out he was cheating on me.
all the statistics i've read have said that when there is a divorce 90% of the women and children live in poverty. when i look around at the women and children living in the housing area i live in, i see that statistic looming large. its not just that we can't buy our children presents or give them elaborate trips or parties. its that most of the time we can't even meet the most basic of their needs. in most instances we end up going to food banks to put food on the table or go begging the office for an extension on the rent.
if i could have found a job when i first closed my store, i might not be in such bad shape. i had been an administrative secretary when i left to be a stay at home mom almost 22 years ago (a joint decision my husband and i had made at the time). i left my career to be a full-time mom and did in-home daycare and had a 10 year sewing business which helped to pay our bills. my ex never saw that as "income" unfortunately. but that's another story. having the store gave me back a sense of self and confidence i had long since lost. i knew i was a great mom, but could i be a great anything else ever again?? of that i was not so sure.
through a set of unfortunate circumstances i found myself unemployable. after tearing the rotator cuff in my shoulder i was unable to get a job lifting things. after being out of the secretarial workforce for 22 years i find myself unemployable as that. add to this the fact that the job market sucks right now for anyone and u can see how this is going downhill in terms of me finding a job.
last night i realized that the one thing that i'm really good at is caring about children -- caring for children. its something i can do well -- and have done. i have been looking for the past couple of months for jobs where i could be a mommy's assistant or do daycare in someone's home. it hasn't been easy. everybody seems to want u to have some degree in child development. i don't have a degree on paper, but i certainly earned my credits by raising two children and caring for others over the years. how do u document that??
at any rate, this whole harry potter and the ex thing has brought me to a place of suddenly feeling like i have somehow failed my child by not giving her what it was she really wanted for her birthday. and for not being able to spend it with her this year. it amazes me how one small thing regarding my child can make me feel somehow inferior. but then i realize that for a long time i felt like being a good mom was the only thing i did well. and its easy to fall back into that pattern of self-doubt that i carried for so long. so this is another time when i need to turn to papa god and see myself as he sees me -- and not as i have perceived myself for so long. to him i am something so much more than just a mom -- and this whole harry potter and the ex thing -- in god's terms -- is but a blip on the radar to self discovery ....
one day before xmas my child asked me again and i basically told her that it wasn't going to be possible because #1 i didn't have enough funds to get us through xmas without help and #2 since my birthday is also in january my car needs to be registered (its all done by b'days here in NH) and inspected -- at least an extra $200 i didn't have. so i didn't see how it was going to be possible for me to take her to the harry potter exhibit. i suggested she ask her father, since she's with him on her birthday anyhow.
so, i guess she took me up on that suggestion. and mind, its my own fault for saying it. but at the time i was feeling a lot like the reason i was in the financial pickle i was in was because of his uncaring attitude (since he stopped paying me alimony after only three years). he seems to have an unending supply of money and not just from his job -- but for a long time his parents and brother were sending him money left and right. even though he really didn't need it. but whatever ....
at any rate, as the date for them to go to boston looms closer and closer, i find myself getting sadder and sadder that i can't take her and that he can. i find myself being resentful for his financial ability to give her whatever she wants whenever she wants and my inability to even provide the most basic of needs. and i know that i need to give it over to god because it just eats away at me and makes me dislike my ex even more than i had when i found out he was cheating on me.
all the statistics i've read have said that when there is a divorce 90% of the women and children live in poverty. when i look around at the women and children living in the housing area i live in, i see that statistic looming large. its not just that we can't buy our children presents or give them elaborate trips or parties. its that most of the time we can't even meet the most basic of their needs. in most instances we end up going to food banks to put food on the table or go begging the office for an extension on the rent.
if i could have found a job when i first closed my store, i might not be in such bad shape. i had been an administrative secretary when i left to be a stay at home mom almost 22 years ago (a joint decision my husband and i had made at the time). i left my career to be a full-time mom and did in-home daycare and had a 10 year sewing business which helped to pay our bills. my ex never saw that as "income" unfortunately. but that's another story. having the store gave me back a sense of self and confidence i had long since lost. i knew i was a great mom, but could i be a great anything else ever again?? of that i was not so sure.
through a set of unfortunate circumstances i found myself unemployable. after tearing the rotator cuff in my shoulder i was unable to get a job lifting things. after being out of the secretarial workforce for 22 years i find myself unemployable as that. add to this the fact that the job market sucks right now for anyone and u can see how this is going downhill in terms of me finding a job.
last night i realized that the one thing that i'm really good at is caring about children -- caring for children. its something i can do well -- and have done. i have been looking for the past couple of months for jobs where i could be a mommy's assistant or do daycare in someone's home. it hasn't been easy. everybody seems to want u to have some degree in child development. i don't have a degree on paper, but i certainly earned my credits by raising two children and caring for others over the years. how do u document that??
at any rate, this whole harry potter and the ex thing has brought me to a place of suddenly feeling like i have somehow failed my child by not giving her what it was she really wanted for her birthday. and for not being able to spend it with her this year. it amazes me how one small thing regarding my child can make me feel somehow inferior. but then i realize that for a long time i felt like being a good mom was the only thing i did well. and its easy to fall back into that pattern of self-doubt that i carried for so long. so this is another time when i need to turn to papa god and see myself as he sees me -- and not as i have perceived myself for so long. to him i am something so much more than just a mom -- and this whole harry potter and the ex thing -- in god's terms -- is but a blip on the radar to self discovery ....
Friday, September 4, 2009
home???
this is a photo of one of the many homes i grew up in -- its vacant now and "dying" but i still have fond memories of it. ever since the two-week visit to PA i've been thinking about what is "home". my brother has it in his head to buy a home in PA to move to when he retires and wants me to live in it until he does retire. my father thinks its a great idea. i'm hesitant to even contemplate the idea for a lot of reasons, but my father and brother seem to think i'd be stupid not to take the deal. on the outside it looks rather tempting. i get to use the house for however many years it could be till his retirement (3-7 r the numbers that have been bantered about) without paying any rent -- only paying for utilities. considering i currently don't have a job and that my daughter and i r living off of $650/month in child support (with no unemployment or food stamps) -- a child support that is likely to end when she goes off to college (or sooner if what her father tried to pull when her brother turned 18 in the middle of his senior year is any indication) -- having a place to live without paying for anything but utilities seems like a dream come true.
but all these questions started popping into my head -- like what happens to me when my brother and his family move into the house -- do i become homeless? and what do i do if i can't find a job down there to help me pay for the utilities (as well as food, etc.). and how will this impact on my daughter, who is about to go off to college (most probably somewhere in New England)? she wants to come back to what has been the only home (NH) she's ever really known. I can't blame her for that desire, on the other hand, if i'm in PA will she ever come to see me when she doesn't have any money to travel and i don't have any money to help her travel and we know her father isn't going to be forthcoming with money for travel -- esp. to see his ex-wife. plus there is my desire to go back to school -- possibly Bible school to become a youth pastor. how does that factor into this. i have friends here, but is there where i'm meant to stay.
in having a discussion with my father i was stating how it seemed like nobody was taking into consideration what i wanted -- that everybody had an idea of what was good for me without even consulting me. it was rather disconcerting to realize that at the age of 53 i was so incompetent to make a decision for myself that everybody around me felt they needed to make the decisions for me. my father pointed out that my children would marry some day and move away (much like i had done -- like i had a choice in this) and then where would i be. that i needed to stop living my life for my children (who says i am -- maybe i like the idea of being as close to my kids geographically as i can while i can). he also pointed out that "home" is where ur family is (hello, i have family here in the form of two children and a church family). my father said this was a way for my brother to help me. if my brother really wanted to help me -- there r lots of ways to do that -- like maybe giving me a low interest loan so i can consolidate my debts and get myself out of the mess i'm in. idk -- maybe i'm just expecting too much.
so i started thinking about what is really home and i remember that i read this book once called "home is where the heart is" -- and its true. my heart is with my kids and my church family and my friends. but is also with papa god and wherever he might take me. hey, i've moved around enough in my life to know that i can make friends wherever i go and hang onto the ones i have in different places (at least for a time). its becoming easier to do the latter with the internet and email and facebook. but the real issue here is, where is papa god going to take me -- where does he want me. and maybe that place isn't with my family (dad) in PA -- maybe that place is right here in NH or maybe that place is CA or Hawaii -- idk.
having someone trying to tell me where i SHOULD go isn't the same has papa god guiding me to where i am meant to be. and maybe that is what bothers me the most about all of this -- is that idk if papa god's hand is in this deal in PA. as much as i love my dad -- and my brother -- and i know they love me -- that doesn't mean that they have papa god's interests in their hearts. they could see this as the best solution, but maybe papa god has other thoughts. and as i told my dad, papa god's ways don't always mesh with man's so-called "logical" ones.
i only know that at some point papa god will show me where it is he wants me to be -- and until then, i'm reserving the right to not "jump" at this idea and to take the wait and see approach...
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