my mother's apron

my mother's apron -- how it has survived all these years is beyond me. i have a photo of her wearing it when my brother was a baby (he turned 60 this past january). it was christmas time and they were sitting on the floor near the tree; my father playing some toy saxophone; my brother in his greenish overalls reaching for the silver tinsel on the tree; my mother looking on; her curly dark hair held back with a comb. it's an amazing photo capturing a moment in time.

and i still own the apron; i use it when i'm washing dishes or cooking a meal and yes, it looks like it's 60 years old and has seen better days. but it was my mom's and wearing it makes me feel close to her ...


how is it that a piece of cloth shaped and sewn into an apron could give such a feeling to me? i feel the same way about the ruby red pitcher that was my grandmother Daugherty's. i don't use it very often, but i know she used it and when i hold it in my hands, i am reminded of the person who's strength and character formed the little boy into the man who became my father. i am reminded of the stories told about her by her children over the years. i never knew her, but yet i did, through those stories, and holding that piece of red glass in my hands and knowing that her hands touched it as well, gave me some comfort.

and when i sit at my oak library table, i am reminded of the woman and the man (my parents) who refinished it so lovingly and allowed me to use it for years as my sewing table. it is now my desk. several times ppl have made some comment about taking it from me because of its beauty. it's a heavy piece, not easily moved -- even two strong young men will struggle with it -- but my parents moved it from the auction house to their home and there refinished it; rubbing the tung oil into its pores to bring out the natural beauty of the wood with their own hands.

we're not supposed to hold onto material things, things of this world, because we can't take them with us when we die. i can't help but feel some attachment to these items for the memories they evoke and the connections to ppl (some i knew in this world and others i know only through stories) whom i love dearly. it's not that i want to take them with me when i die -- no, i want to leave them here for those who come after me to touch and live with and use and feel those connections as well. but life now is so modern and full of minimalism that i know for some this seems like just junk that needs to be tossed out for what is new ....

i have a friend on facebook who takes old items -- things that ppl have discarded -- and she refurbishes them ... brings them back to life .... to use in her home in extraordinary ways. i applaud her for putting so much work into the old and savoring the beauty that she can see under the dirt and years of wear. i love the fact that something that someone long ago used and loved is being used and loved again. another person is putting their mark on it ... a new connection is being made ...

Harry Potter and the Ex

a couple of months ago my almost 18yo daughter (my youngest child) came to me and asked me if i would take her to the harry potter exhibit in boston for her 18th birthday -- coming up in january. at the time i said that if i had the money we would go. now in the back of my head i was doing this silent calculation of how much the bus down and back would be ($140) and the cost of the tickets (unsure) and what a taxi from the bus station to the exhibit and back would cost (also unsure) and knew that somehow this might not come to pass. but i also knew that i had a few months to try and make this happen.

one day before xmas my child asked me again and i basically told her that it wasn't going to be possible because #1 i didn't have enough funds to get us through xmas without help and #2 since my birthday is also in january my car needs to be registered (its all done by b'days here in NH) and inspected -- at least an extra $200 i didn't have. so i didn't see how it was going to be possible for me to take her to the harry potter exhibit. i suggested she ask her father, since she's with him on her birthday anyhow.

so, i guess she took me up on that suggestion. and mind, its my own fault for saying it. but at the time i was feeling a lot like the reason i was in the financial pickle i was in was because of his uncaring attitude (since he stopped paying me alimony after only three years). he seems to have an unending supply of money and not just from his job -- but for a long time his parents and brother were sending him money left and right. even though he really didn't need it. but whatever ....

at any rate, as the date for them to go to boston looms closer and closer, i find myself getting sadder and sadder that i can't take her and that he can. i find myself being resentful for his financial ability to give her whatever she wants whenever she wants and my inability to even provide the most basic of needs. and i know that i need to give it over to god because it just eats away at me and makes me dislike my ex even more than i had when i found out he was cheating on me.

all the statistics i've read have said that when there is a divorce 90% of the women and children live in poverty. when i look around at the women and children living in the housing area i live in, i see that statistic looming large. its not just that we can't buy our children presents or give them elaborate trips or parties. its that most of the time we can't even meet the most basic of their needs. in most instances we end up going to food banks to put food on the table or go begging the office for an extension on the rent.

if i could have found a job when i first closed my store, i might not be in such bad shape. i had been an administrative secretary when i left to be a stay at home mom almost 22 years ago (a joint decision my husband and i had made at the time). i left my career to be a full-time mom and did in-home daycare and had a 10 year sewing business which helped to pay our bills. my ex never saw that as "income" unfortunately. but that's another story. having the store gave me back a sense of self and confidence i had long since lost. i knew i was a great mom, but could i be a great anything else ever again?? of that i was not so sure.

through a set of unfortunate circumstances i found myself unemployable. after tearing the rotator cuff in my shoulder i was unable to get a job lifting things. after being out of the secretarial workforce for 22 years i find myself unemployable as that. add to this the fact that the job market sucks right now for anyone and u can see how this is going downhill in terms of me finding a job.

last night i realized that the one thing that i'm really good at is caring about children -- caring for children. its something i can do well -- and have done. i have been looking for the past couple of months for jobs where i could be a mommy's assistant or do daycare in someone's home. it hasn't been easy. everybody seems to want u to have some degree in child development. i don't have a degree on paper, but i certainly earned my credits by raising two children and caring for others over the years. how do u document that??

at any rate, this whole harry potter and the ex thing has brought me to a place of suddenly feeling like i have somehow failed my child by not giving her what it was she really wanted for her birthday. and for not being able to spend it with her this year. it amazes me how one small thing regarding my child can make me feel somehow inferior. but then i realize that for a long time i felt like being a good mom was the only thing i did well. and its easy to fall back into that pattern of self-doubt that i carried for so long. so this is another time when i need to turn to papa god and see myself as he sees me -- and not as i have perceived myself for so long. to him i am something so much more than just a mom -- and this whole harry potter and the ex thing -- in god's terms -- is but a blip on the radar to self discovery ....