chatty cathy revelations

my daughter and i went into the card store a few days ago in search of the perfect ornament for someone special. one of the traditions in our family is to give an ornament to each other every year. my mother started this tradition and i've continued it to the point that when my children leave their respective nests to build their own elsewhere, they will have at least one large box of ornaments (perhaps two). and of course, half the fun is in the choosing of the ornament -- something special to represent each distinct personality. every year when i decorate my tree and pull out my ornaments from others, i am reminded of the year they were given, the person who gave it and the special place each person holds in my heart.

so as we were looking through the ornaments at the store, i happened upon a chatty cathy doll ornament complete with a string to pull to make her talk and was suddenly transported back in time to when i got my chatty cathy doll and what eventually happened to her. i know that hallmark has done an excellent job of recreating toys from my past (barbie, radio flyer wagons, lionel trains, madame alexander dolls, gumby, to name a few), but it was a surprise to see chatty.

she had been one of my favorites as a child because she would talk to me -- sometimes when no one else would. face it, as a parent i've learned how difficult it is to keep several balls in the air simultaneously and still give a child the amount of attention they deserve or need. so i understand better now why sometimes my parents couldn't pay attention when i thought they needed to. but as a child u just start to think that maybe there is something wrong with u and perhaps ur just a figment of someone's vivid imagination -- well, at least that's what i did. so chatty became my confidant. i told her stuff i didn't tell anyone else. and she responded -- ok, she responded with canned responses but when ur 5 or 6 that doesn't really make a difference.

probably one of the saddest days as a child was when she got broken and we won't even discuss it because its not pretty. but her leg was broken off and her chatter box stopped processing the phrases correctly and she was reduced to little more than gibberish... it was devastating to realize that i wouldn't be able to have conversations with her anymore when she would respond in some coherent manner -- even if it was only with canned responses. and so she got relegated to the toy box with the plastic cushioned seat and all the circus animals on the outside and i grew up not giving her a whole lot of thought through the years because as i got older my mom became my best friend and the one i could talk to about anything.

until the day i saw the chatty cathy ornament and realized that i was missing my old "friend". missing ... something .... i figure i've been missing something for a while now. i miss my mom ... as i always do at this time of year ... i miss talking to her about things that are going on in my life. i have other friends and as my daughter reminded me yesterday when we chatted briefly about me perhaps moving, that i can make friends easily. but the thing is, i would miss my old friends. i would miss the easy way we chat about things, how there is never any judgement. that advice is given gently. support and encouragement come naturally and isn't forced. i can be who i'm supposed to be with no mask to hide the "sins of the past". that all takes time and energy to build that trust with someone. do i have that in me to do again? to redo my life for what feels like the umpteenth time.

my daughter said she's pretty "flexible" and "wouldn't mind a change". but she's young and can adapt easily (as she has proven by going off to college and settling in so readily) -- as i did so many years ago. i'm not so sure i can now. sometimes i'm scared by what is ahead. i have friends who have travelled all over the world to countries i can't even fathom myself going to, and i realize that i'm stuck in my need to have things planned out. that's why now, this period of time in my life, is so frightening to me -- because there is no plan, i can't see how the pieces will come together and it scares me and the only thing that keeps me grounded is papa god -- as he always has these past 6+ years. still, i long for the simple time of being a child, not having to think too much about how to make a go of it, not many worries in my life and playing with chatty cathy.

here we go ...

the holidays r always pretty much of a blur for me. usually we stay put for thanksgiving and go away for christmas. this year we're staying put for both and i'll be alone for christmas. my daughter is going to be with her dad this year. she likes going to my dad's for christmas because his church always does a very sweet candle-light service late in the evening. we would go and afterwards come back to the house (where it would now be past midnight and technically christmas day) and open presents. its been a tradition for several years now. this being her last year of high school, its kind of sad that we don't get to do this, but its the price we pay for being divorced and having to "share".

last year we went to my dad's but my son wasn't able to go. its been a couple of years since i was able to spend christmas with him since he lives with his dad. so much for "sharing".

this year i'm probably going to be helping out a friend, which on one hand is a good thing (i won't be alone) but on the other is a bummer since i won't have a christmas dinner or a church service or family to come home to. some years r just like that.

i am going to get to spend turkey day (well at least the latter part of it) with my kids, so i'll make a turkey and all the fixing and we'll get to visit for a while. money is tight and i'm praying that somehow i can come up with the cash to purchase what i need. truly for just the three of us we wouldn't need a turkey -- but i like having the leftovers to freeze and make soups, etc. with after -- its cheap meat.

i've been doing a lot of crocheting lately -- learning new techniques -- but mostly making scarves and hats and hooded scarves for an upcoming crafts fair. i'm praying that i'll sell a good deal of what i have and perhaps that will take care of turkey day's fixings and maybe even christmas presents as well. last year i made almost all of the gifts i gave away -- idk what i'd make this year. sometimes ideas rn't free flowing when it comes to gift giving.

i told my daughter last night that i probably won't put up a tree this year since no one will be here. its a 4' pitiful looking (truly it drops more "needles" than a real one now) thing that my ex and i got the first year we were married (27 years ago). he got to keep the 7' one that looks more real. i walked away with almost all of the ornaments since its been a tradition in my family to give ornaments every year and most of them were either mine or given to us both by my parents. i kept this tradition going with both my kids and they each have a big box of ornaments now -- so if they go out on their own, they will have something to decorate their trees that have meaning to them. some of them were hand made by me.

i have these little victorian village pieces that hallmark makes for ornaments. my mother started giving them to me back in the 80's. i think i'm only missing one or two from the time period right after she passed away and before i started buying them for myself. we always set them up -- even if we never do a tree. i used to put them on the tree -- but after a while of collecting them there wasn't room for them and the other ornaments on that 4' tree. so now i set them up on a shelf on the bookcase and lay it all out like a little village. i think the tallest one is like 4.5 inches -- so they really don't take up a lot of space height-wise, but the last two or three years i really had to get creative with how i laid them out because they take up the entire shelf. i haven't gotten this year's yet -- its a police station. i look forward to at least setting them up again this year.

the holidays were always a big deal for my mom. she was an amazing cook -- which in itself was amazing because her mother was a really lousy cook -- and my mom would make these elaborate meals that would gather her chicks and their families around her. after she passed away -- holidays were never the same. i certainly couldn't make the elaborate meals she did (i inherited half of the lousy cook gene). but i've learned how to make some of the things over the years that she used to make -- so they r somewhat reminiscent of hers. but still, not having her around somehow just made things seem more somber and less celebratory.

i think once my baby goes off to college next year, things will be even more somber. i loved the days when the kids were small and christmas was really fun. seems like that won't happen again until maybe there r grandchildren in the picture. until then i'll just have to be content finding something else to do on those christmases when no one is around to share it.