chatty cathy revelations

my daughter and i went into the card store a few days ago in search of the perfect ornament for someone special. one of the traditions in our family is to give an ornament to each other every year. my mother started this tradition and i've continued it to the point that when my children leave their respective nests to build their own elsewhere, they will have at least one large box of ornaments (perhaps two). and of course, half the fun is in the choosing of the ornament -- something special to represent each distinct personality. every year when i decorate my tree and pull out my ornaments from others, i am reminded of the year they were given, the person who gave it and the special place each person holds in my heart.

so as we were looking through the ornaments at the store, i happened upon a chatty cathy doll ornament complete with a string to pull to make her talk and was suddenly transported back in time to when i got my chatty cathy doll and what eventually happened to her. i know that hallmark has done an excellent job of recreating toys from my past (barbie, radio flyer wagons, lionel trains, madame alexander dolls, gumby, to name a few), but it was a surprise to see chatty.

she had been one of my favorites as a child because she would talk to me -- sometimes when no one else would. face it, as a parent i've learned how difficult it is to keep several balls in the air simultaneously and still give a child the amount of attention they deserve or need. so i understand better now why sometimes my parents couldn't pay attention when i thought they needed to. but as a child u just start to think that maybe there is something wrong with u and perhaps ur just a figment of someone's vivid imagination -- well, at least that's what i did. so chatty became my confidant. i told her stuff i didn't tell anyone else. and she responded -- ok, she responded with canned responses but when ur 5 or 6 that doesn't really make a difference.

probably one of the saddest days as a child was when she got broken and we won't even discuss it because its not pretty. but her leg was broken off and her chatter box stopped processing the phrases correctly and she was reduced to little more than gibberish... it was devastating to realize that i wouldn't be able to have conversations with her anymore when she would respond in some coherent manner -- even if it was only with canned responses. and so she got relegated to the toy box with the plastic cushioned seat and all the circus animals on the outside and i grew up not giving her a whole lot of thought through the years because as i got older my mom became my best friend and the one i could talk to about anything.

until the day i saw the chatty cathy ornament and realized that i was missing my old "friend". missing ... something .... i figure i've been missing something for a while now. i miss my mom ... as i always do at this time of year ... i miss talking to her about things that are going on in my life. i have other friends and as my daughter reminded me yesterday when we chatted briefly about me perhaps moving, that i can make friends easily. but the thing is, i would miss my old friends. i would miss the easy way we chat about things, how there is never any judgement. that advice is given gently. support and encouragement come naturally and isn't forced. i can be who i'm supposed to be with no mask to hide the "sins of the past". that all takes time and energy to build that trust with someone. do i have that in me to do again? to redo my life for what feels like the umpteenth time.

my daughter said she's pretty "flexible" and "wouldn't mind a change". but she's young and can adapt easily (as she has proven by going off to college and settling in so readily) -- as i did so many years ago. i'm not so sure i can now. sometimes i'm scared by what is ahead. i have friends who have travelled all over the world to countries i can't even fathom myself going to, and i realize that i'm stuck in my need to have things planned out. that's why now, this period of time in my life, is so frightening to me -- because there is no plan, i can't see how the pieces will come together and it scares me and the only thing that keeps me grounded is papa god -- as he always has these past 6+ years. still, i long for the simple time of being a child, not having to think too much about how to make a go of it, not many worries in my life and playing with chatty cathy.

ARE YOU READY????

so lots of ppl around this time of year get a little frantic because they haven't gotten all the shopping done that needs to be done for the holidays and r worried to some degree or another about the gifts that they were able to buy and whether or not they will be nice enough, etc. other ppl have been ready for months (some even were VERY forward thinking and bought this year's presents last year after christmas when everything was dirt cheap -- i really admire those folks the most).
since i haven't had a real income from a job (Feb. of 2008) for a while, its been a real experience trying to make christmas with no real funds to speak of. its really kind of exciting to see what i can do considering that after the holidays, i then have my daughter's birthday and my car registration/inspection fees to deal with -- which really makes it interesting.
but i've always been the kind of person who likes to make my gifts instead of buy them -- when i can. i learned early on when i was first married and had children how to take my creativity and use it for gift giving. but recently i saw this commercial where the guy kind of whispers "hand made gifts -- who wants them -- nobody" and then goes on to say how u can get other things off ebay. i'm not really sure if he's touting ebay or not -- but he makes some really disparaging remarks about handmade gifts (smells like church, etc.).
it kind of makes me mad because ppl who handmake something put a lot of love and time and effort into it and to be so unappreciative to think that the only gift worth getting (or giving) is one purchased off and online auction is really a reflection of the kind of person u r -- (insert some negative word here).
at any rate, i'm glad that in one sense i don't have to worry about what to buy someone (since i have no money i can't buy anyone anything). but i can make lots of things -- and am. and even got my daughter to make an ornament for her grandfather. so i'm sort of passing on the tradition of y buy it if u can make it urself. that's probably not good for the economy in any sense of the word -- or my purse if u think about selling things at my etsy site. and i understand that some ppl rn't talented with a needle and thread or hooks and yarn or paint. but perhaps ur a great baker or cook -- u could cook a meal or bake a special treat or give a hand made coupon for either of those -- or maybe u give great back massages -- that might be something someone who is overworked or over stressed might like. or to someone who doesn't have transportation u could give coupons for a ride to the store or mall or wherever -- it might give u a chance to get to know someone just a little better. one of the best presents i gave one year was a soup in a jar mix -- they just had to add hot water and let simmer a while -- with a texas cornbread mix (just add milk and an egg). they were recipes i got off the internet for gifts in a jar. a few simple ingredients and i had several jars to give as gifts -- attached instructions for cooking with a sweet bow and there u had it. ppl loved it.
All Free Crafts Gifts In A Jar Website
times r tight right now financially for a lot of folks and ppl r scrambling for ideas to make their dollars go a little farther in the gift giving dept. there r so many inventive ways to "make" a gift for someone special that won't cost u an arm and a leg, but will show the person that u really care about them during the holidays.
and as for me -- well, i'm just about ready. one more thing to make and i'll be done. my presents to my dad and my brother's family have already been mailed. so i'm feeling pretty good right now ....

so i lied ....

u know a couple of posts ago i said that i wasn't going to put up a tree this year because no one was going to be around and that it was this pitiful little 4' charlie brown type tree that was 27 years old. well, i lied. someone on the freecycle board published that they had a tree to give away -- so i went to get it and i thought it was going to be little like my 4' -- but its as tall as i am (5 something) -- and its in better shape than my old one and so we decided to go ahead and put it up and one box of ornaments later, i have my tree and my little victorian village up. we put up the tree the day before thanksgiving but didn't decorate it until thanksgiving evening when my son was here. then i finished it up today and put the little village up. the little village has so many pieces now that i can't put the road in and i guess next year i'll have to come up with a more clever idea. and to think -- i'm only missing 3 years' worth of pieces.
well, at least my daughter and son and i and anyone else who happens by, can enjoy it now. and it won't be so awfully hard to taken down because we only got out one box of ornaments. although that's like a jigsaw puzzle (without the picture) trying to fit them all back in the box.

gifts from the heart

back in the late 50's or early 60's my dad sat down with my then very elderly grandfather and recorded him reciting poetry. i couldn't have been very old since i was born in '56 and i'm pretty sure my grandfather had to be nearing 80. the recordings were done over several sessions because my grandfather, who was a perfectionist, didn't work from notes, but from memory and got easily frustrated when he made a mistake. some of the poems r repeated several times on the tape -- since it was done over several sittings -- and it was originally taped on a reel-to-reel tape deck. eventually, that got transferred to a cassette tape with my dad adding a narrative of explanation at the beginning. my dad had a copy and my brother had a copy, but i never did and idk who of my dad's family had copies -- i suspect at least one of my uncles did.

at any rate, when we went to visit my dad this summer, the tape came up in discussion and dad dragged out his copy and we attempted to listen to it. nadda -- nothing -- zip -- zilch .... cassettes over time go bad, just like CDs do and so there was nothing left. my brother said his copy was fine and i asked if he could make me a copy because i had a plan.

earlier this year, i managed to discover that with a simple $10 cord, i could put cassette recordings into my computer using garageband and make mp3s from them. i had done it with some other recordings on cassette (mostly prophetic words that ppl had spoken over me) and it worked great. so with the copy of my brother's tape, i went to work.

now i have to preface this a bit because my old tape player had died before i completed my project with the prophetic words and when i went shopping for another one i found they were high priced and few and far between. i had looked in several second hand stores on a continuing basis to only come away empty handed and disappointed. here's where a god moment comes in. while at a second hand store with a friend i happened to look down and there was a small hand-held sony one for $4. so i bought it knowing i could bring it back if it didn't work. however, it worked perfectly. now if i hadn't gone to the second hand store with the friend that day i would not have found it. it was such a god moment to be at that store at that time, standing in that exact spot and then looking down to see it. i love when papa god helps me with a problem.

i set about downloading the cassette recording into the computer and all the while listening to the poems and making notes. listening to my grandfather's voice and hearing him chuckle at certain humorous parts. i went searching for some of the lines to the poems using google because there were only a few that i knew the names to in order to find them. i found all but one of the poems. it took me an entire day and my arm was really sore from using the mouse, but i wanted to make cds for my dad and uncles and brother with not only the recordings on it, but the poetry as well.

when i do things like this -- which in reality cost me very little money since i already have the cds -- i tend to go at it full force -- nothing done halfway and we have my dad to thank for that ethic. and i can see -- by listening to the poems -- where his work ethic was formed. several of the poems spoke to a job well done and living right. if my grandfather knew them by heart -- they meant enough to him to carry them there and model his life after them. i'm sure all of his many children learned from his values.

i'm still holding out hope that i'll find the words to the last poem before christmas rolls around. i was hoping to give them as presents. very inexpensive -- but given with lots of love and lots of meaning. sometimes it isn't about what u buy when u present someone -- sometimes its about the thought that goes into it that really matters.

here we go ...

the holidays r always pretty much of a blur for me. usually we stay put for thanksgiving and go away for christmas. this year we're staying put for both and i'll be alone for christmas. my daughter is going to be with her dad this year. she likes going to my dad's for christmas because his church always does a very sweet candle-light service late in the evening. we would go and afterwards come back to the house (where it would now be past midnight and technically christmas day) and open presents. its been a tradition for several years now. this being her last year of high school, its kind of sad that we don't get to do this, but its the price we pay for being divorced and having to "share".

last year we went to my dad's but my son wasn't able to go. its been a couple of years since i was able to spend christmas with him since he lives with his dad. so much for "sharing".

this year i'm probably going to be helping out a friend, which on one hand is a good thing (i won't be alone) but on the other is a bummer since i won't have a christmas dinner or a church service or family to come home to. some years r just like that.

i am going to get to spend turkey day (well at least the latter part of it) with my kids, so i'll make a turkey and all the fixing and we'll get to visit for a while. money is tight and i'm praying that somehow i can come up with the cash to purchase what i need. truly for just the three of us we wouldn't need a turkey -- but i like having the leftovers to freeze and make soups, etc. with after -- its cheap meat.

i've been doing a lot of crocheting lately -- learning new techniques -- but mostly making scarves and hats and hooded scarves for an upcoming crafts fair. i'm praying that i'll sell a good deal of what i have and perhaps that will take care of turkey day's fixings and maybe even christmas presents as well. last year i made almost all of the gifts i gave away -- idk what i'd make this year. sometimes ideas rn't free flowing when it comes to gift giving.

i told my daughter last night that i probably won't put up a tree this year since no one will be here. its a 4' pitiful looking (truly it drops more "needles" than a real one now) thing that my ex and i got the first year we were married (27 years ago). he got to keep the 7' one that looks more real. i walked away with almost all of the ornaments since its been a tradition in my family to give ornaments every year and most of them were either mine or given to us both by my parents. i kept this tradition going with both my kids and they each have a big box of ornaments now -- so if they go out on their own, they will have something to decorate their trees that have meaning to them. some of them were hand made by me.

i have these little victorian village pieces that hallmark makes for ornaments. my mother started giving them to me back in the 80's. i think i'm only missing one or two from the time period right after she passed away and before i started buying them for myself. we always set them up -- even if we never do a tree. i used to put them on the tree -- but after a while of collecting them there wasn't room for them and the other ornaments on that 4' tree. so now i set them up on a shelf on the bookcase and lay it all out like a little village. i think the tallest one is like 4.5 inches -- so they really don't take up a lot of space height-wise, but the last two or three years i really had to get creative with how i laid them out because they take up the entire shelf. i haven't gotten this year's yet -- its a police station. i look forward to at least setting them up again this year.

the holidays were always a big deal for my mom. she was an amazing cook -- which in itself was amazing because her mother was a really lousy cook -- and my mom would make these elaborate meals that would gather her chicks and their families around her. after she passed away -- holidays were never the same. i certainly couldn't make the elaborate meals she did (i inherited half of the lousy cook gene). but i've learned how to make some of the things over the years that she used to make -- so they r somewhat reminiscent of hers. but still, not having her around somehow just made things seem more somber and less celebratory.

i think once my baby goes off to college next year, things will be even more somber. i loved the days when the kids were small and christmas was really fun. seems like that won't happen again until maybe there r grandchildren in the picture. until then i'll just have to be content finding something else to do on those christmases when no one is around to share it.