addendum to the pothole story

very very early this morning as i was laying in bed, i was talking with papa god and was thanking him for all the blessings he gives me, but i was struggling financially and he knows this so its not like i'm telling him anything he doesn't already know, but i just needed to say it out loud. and could he please direct me to the job i'm supposed to have so i can apply for it (coz quite honestly applying for all these other jobs and either hearing nothing or being rejected after an interview is starting to wear me down). and like always, i thanked papa god for loving me so much to take care of me and how much i love him and ended by reciting the lord's prayer. my conversations with papa r sometimes short and to the point ... no real need to drag it out with a bunch of flowery speech coz he knows it all and just wants us to have the conversation with him in the first place.... and when i was done i laid there and tried to think of things i had that might be worth something that i could maybe sell to help me out of this mess (the list was VERY short). but as i fell back asleep i distinctly felt like i was supposed to trust papa god to take care of this one ...

so if u have read the previous note on potholes, u know that i had a "little" car issue. well, i've been waiting to hear back from the insurance company about my car but this morning the phone rang and it was lonny from gerrish honda and he said, "your car is all done and ready to be picked up". and i said, "ok, so how much do i owe?" thinking that i would need to wait to hear from the insurance company to pay for it. to which he replied, "its all paid for." I said, "excuse me -- by whom? how did that happen?" to which he replied, "I'm just supposed to tell u that God loves u".

i immediately called amy because she had said she would give me the money when she got her child support check, and i had told her no, but amy sometimes doesn't listen and goes ahead and does what amy wants without thinking twice about it. but amy swears that it wasn't her -- that for once she listened to what i said. did my towing angel come to my rescue again? did the methodist church pay for it? did one of my friends who read my testimony about the events of that day pay for it? idk -- but i want to thank them for their generosity and caring. they r truly angels on this earth and its awesome testimony to the power of papa god and how much he loves all of us that he would take care of the financial car problems of one seemingly insignificant person by bringing so many angels into the mix.

angel on earth -- whoever u are -- thank u for stepping out in papa god's word and helping me. i know that papa god will bless u mightily for taking care of the "least of these" and blessing me in this way. blessings ....

note to self: avoid the potholes ...

u may ask y the title. even if u don't ask y -- i'll share my experiences from yesterday ... bear with me -- it has a happy ending ...

i was on my way to work -- which i do twice a week for about 2.5 hours -- i work with a small autistic boy and his mom. its not much, but it helps to put gas in the car and milk in the fridge so i'm not complaining at all and very grateful for it. i tend to be an "early bird". if i have to be somewhere i end up leaving a lot earlier than i need to and then take my time getting there and yesterday was no exception. turns out it was a good thing i did leave early because what happened ended up leaving me stranded and unable to get to work -- thus, necessitating the need to call for back up.

at any rate, its about a 7 mile drive from my house to this little boy's house and when i was within a couple of blocks i heard this huge bang and then scraping of metal on pavement and figured i had blown a tire, which came off the rim. luckily, i was on a small town street and only doing about 25 so i was able to pull over quickly. i got out of the car and when i saw what had happened, i have to admit (ashamedly) that i said, "What the f**k!" -- and i was right in front of a montessori school yard full of children. but this was one of those times when the f-bomb was almost certainly warranted as my tire on the front passenger side was sitting 90 degrees in the wheel well. and completely off the axle. it was an interesting, albeit confusing site.

as i stood there and thought about who i could or should call first, i started to shake and cry -- for lots reasons ... first of all i thought about all the recent long distance trips i had made to my daughter's college -- either to go get her or take her home or take a friend to visit ... imagine if this had happened during one of those interstate trips. as a friend aptly put it -- i would be hamburger along the side of the road. second i thought of the almost $1,000 engine work i had had done not more than a month ago and wondered it if was all for naught -- would the car be drivable, would i have the money to even have it fixed. how was i going to get it anywhere to have it fixed, i don't have AAA -- can't afford it -- and certainly can't afford to pay someone to tow it. and thirdly, no car means no job -- even if it is only two afternoons a week -- its something. plus, i still have the remnants of one car payment left to pay. so its not like its altogether mine yet.

first i called a neighbor to come and get me, then i called my son who lives just up the street (but who, unfortunately was on his way to class and couldn't stay), and then i just stood there crying and saying, "papa god must love me a lot because i could be dead". (yes, sometimes in the moment i can be a bit dramatic but in this instance it could be true.)

now all of this happened in front of the church i used to go to a long time ago. and out of this church came a man i did not know and he asked if i had towing on my insurance and i said i didn't know -- because at that precise moment i didn't know much of anything i was so upset. and he said if i didn't that he would take care of it with a credit card (note: this sort of stuff happens to me sometimes -- i chalk it up to papa god coz what else could it possibly be that strangers run to help me in this way). he stayed with me the entire time and followed us all over to the dealership and indeed, did pay the entire towing bill ($212). after a little while, my ex pastor came out and she gave me a hug and stayed with me and when her little daughter got off the school bus and saw me crying, she handed me the kleenex she keeps in her backpack for occasions when she gets a nosebleed and kept telling me it would all be okay. angels sometimes come in human form -- in case u didn't know this.

so i'm waiting at the dealership to find out the verdict and am told that the ball joint sheered off and they have never ever seen this on a honda and certainly not on a CRV (which is what i have). and i'm just left standing there saying -- well, isn't this just the way my life path goes??? ha ha and did i hit a pothole or something and well, rn't there just a ton of potholes all over the area i drive on a regular basis and yes i did and well... u know .... i try to avoid them, but obviously i'm failing in this regard. turns out i will need a new ball joint and a new axle because it bent the axle when it broke and then they will have to do a front end alignment and we're looking at $540. i say, "i don't have any money" -- which is partially true -- i have exactly $46 in my account right now -- so i do have SOME money but certainly not enough to fix the car. and my neighbor (who has graciously come to pick me up and had the gas to do so because that very morning someone had given her $20 for gas -- yet another papa god thing) asks if they can store the car till i have the money and she'll drive me to my work, etc. whereupon the service guy says, "well, u bought the car, from us didn't u, so that entitles u to a free loaner." yes, another papa god intervention. and hands me the keys to a much newer version of my car only in white with all the bells and whistles.

and in the midst of all of this, my daughter calls me from school concerned, because evidently her brother called her father (my ex) and he called her and told her. another god intervening moment ....

and it turns out that perhaps this might all be covered by my insurance since i hit a pothole and sheered off the ball joint ... and i have ppl offering to help me foot the bill for the repairs if it doesn't. and when the census taker came to my door in the middle of a phone conversation with the person who backed me up at work (who offered to swap days with me so i wouldn't lose my hours this week -- yep, u guessed it -- papa god), i started talking about how papa god had intervened and he was amazed. so i saw an opening and shared my faith story with him. to which he said, "that is amazing and i'm so glad u shared that with me because i've had a not great day and that story is just so uplifting." (yep, papa god)

so even in the midst of the crummiest things, papa god steps in and rearranges things and makes it a blessing. because i was blessed on many levels by many ppl yesterday... more than i can even count. and it awes me just how much papa god loves me to take care of me as he does. and i could boo-hoo (and i have) about how lousy my life circumstances r right now -- but in the end it all comes around to the fact that papa god loves me and takes care of all my needs -- and who could ask for more than that???

nothing i can do ....

some things in life u just can't do anything about. they just have to run their course and nothing u can say or do will make a difference. right now today is one of those times and the feelings that my daughter is experiencing at the sudden death of her beloved cat, Charlie, is one of those things ....

yesterday morning my ex called. i wasn't expecting him to call me and by the tone in his voice i could tell that there was something serious going on. i almost dreaded what he was about to say. he said that there had been a tragedy at his house that morning. i knew it wasn't our son james because he would have been more upset than he was, so i figured it had to be one of the two cats we had.

maki -- our older cat -- is a tiger kitty. we got him at the local humane society. he's talkative and likes to be held and petted and take over ur lap or ur bed. he's loyal. the time i was having issues with my inner ear he would lay on the bed with me and when i got up for something he would follow me there and back. he didn't want to leave my side. from what i hear, he's still that way, but i don't get to see him much at all now that sammy has gone off to college. he's older than charlie by a couple of years, so obviously my first thought was of maki.

charlie was very much sammy's cat. she picked her out at the humane society. we brought her home and she cried and cried or hid. i told sammy if she kept it up we might have to take her back because obviously she wasn't fitting in well with maki and our family. but soon she let it be known that she was the boss. she would chase maki around and around the apt. until he would jump up on the counter to get away from her. she, however, was not much of a jumper. she had a bit of a pudge... but she was a sweet little calico girl and sammy taught her how to raise her paw for treats or just to be petted. charlie was the second thought ...

and of course, with that thought came, oh my, sammy's at college, she doesn't know, how will this affect her.... her father wanted to go down today and tell her face to face. i thought it was better to bring her home and tell her here and let her spend the rest of the weekend here surrounded by the ppl who love her and could support her during her grieving rather than being left alone in a dorm room. since she had expressed a desire to come home this weekend, but had been unable to because of a school commitment in the early afternoon, i had an excuse to call her and tell her i was going to come and get her and bring her home. her father made me promise not to tell her -- he wanted to tell her -- face to face. so i picked up my excited and happy child, knowing all the while that soon her world would be shattered and sad...

as we got close to home, i told her she should call her dad, which she did, and he told her over the phone (something he'd said he didn't want to do) while i was driving. the ability to comfort her was hindered by the need to keep the car on the road and blink my own tears out of my eyes. she said she wasn't there to hold her and she just wanted to hold her (as i knew she might), but her beloved kitty was at the vet's and would not be able to seen until monday at the earliest but she needed to go back to school today and wouldn't be back till thurs. so it would be a long time and she wouldn't be the same after all that time. we got to the apartment. we sat and talked about charlie. she looked for photos of charlie. i found photos i had taken and emailed them to her. we talked about what she wanted to do now. bring her home and bury her, have her cremated, etc. did she still want to see her, maybe it would be better to remember her as she was. then she called her father and he came over. and we discussed what should be done now.

she wanted to watch a happy movie but while we waited for Princess Diaries to come on, she switched the channel and there was cats 101. she decided to watch it and we would discuss the similarities to or differences from charlie and maki. and what about maki? even though he fought with charlie -- they had their moments when they would nuzzle each other's faces or lick each other. he had been walking around the house looking for charlie, probably wondering where she had disappeared to because she liked to hide. probably thinking that she had done a damn good job of hiding this time since he couldn't find her. how much did he understand??? would he miss her??

today sammy went to her father's for the first time and broke down. i expected it -- she would look around for her kitty and it would sink in that she wasn't there. it was just a reminder that she had died. i remember this feeling when my mom died. i remember thinking, it was all a bad dream and i would walk through the door and she would greet me and kiss me and hug me and tell me how silly i had been to believe that she could die. of course, she didn't greet me and there was no reassurance. she was very much gone and it was so evident when i walked through the door. sammy was feeling that today. and i couldn't stay to comfort her because i had to go to work. and would it matter if i had stayed because what can i say to take away the pain she is feeling right now?? what can i do to make her feel better?? nothing. and all i can do is pray for her and be here if she wants to talk or cry or watch some movie to cheer her up. it won't make the pain of loss any less. so its truly one of those times when i can do nothing ...

RIP charlie girl ... u will be greatly missed ...