what i've learned this year ....

things i've learned really well this year:

that the ppl that should love and accept u the most coz they r related by blood, usually don't and won't and will most likely disappoint u if u have any expectations that they should

that sometimes u have to stick ur neck out for what u believe in and that includes understanding that while sticking ur neck out, u might get ur head chopped off -- and mostly likely, the person(s) doing the chopping r related by blood (see above)

that just because u do stuff for other ppl and have compassion doesn't mean that those around u will have the same mindset and u need to be prepared to be disappointed if u think they should

that just because u think ur speaking english to another person who also speaks and understands english, doesn't necessarily mean that they will comprehend what ur saying

that if u expect things to change just because a large amount of time has elapsed and u've changed ur perspective on the situation, that it probably hasn't for the other parties involved

that u should never expect anyone to say they love u to u after u've said it to them -- most likely, they didn't even notice u said it and/or feel really uncomfortable with those feelings and thus, won't respond

that sometimes, it doesn't matter how old u r, some ppl think ur still 5 and treat u that way -- or worse yet -- that ur too old and stupid to know anything or contribute anything meaningful to society

and here's the most important thing i learned this year. that papa god can be counted on for just about any need u have and u just need to make a plan to follow him, because in reality -- he'll never disappoint u, he'll always love u, he will meet any need u have, he's a great comforter, and when ur really down, he'll carry u... that great joy can be found in resting in him and listening to his voice...

thoughts on dating ....

its been over 4 years since my divorce was final. mind, i think mentally i was divorced long before papers were filed. after my divorce, i took this divorce care class where they took u through all the stages of grief and basically tried to set u on the right path again. they said that for every 5 years of marriage it typically took 1 year of healing. i was married almost 22 years (missed that anniversary by 1.5 months) -- so by their calculations it should take me about 4.4 years to be completely healed, and ready to "date" again.

who r they kidding. the fact of the matter is that i'm not ready to date. i'm not sure i'll ever be ready to date. i don't want to date. ppl (friends) r trying to push me to date -- i'm shaking my head no. they r saying that i need to be taken out and treated nicely -- like a woman should be -- because i've never had that. they r nuts...

shortly before the divorce was final my daughter and i were at a store waiting in line to cash out and we got to talking about a friend who had divorced and remarried within a short period of time. at that point, my then 12 yo daughter spouted, "mom, ur not datable". i was stunned -- was it because i was too ugly, too old, too fat, too w/e? i needed to know so i asked and she said, "because ur a mom" -- like being a mom meant that i shouldn't be dating. and she's really kind of right on in that regard now that i have had time to think about it.

basically, what it comes down to is that i have a lot of insecurities and issues with dating. first of all, i don't trust my own instincts. and its not that i wouldn't mind having a companion to spend time with and do things together. i just don't want all the encumbrances that go with that. not on a daily basis, anyhow. and the other thing is that i'm not sure i'm meant to be with anyone but papa god.

when i first got divorced a prophet said to me -- u know that chip u have on ur shoulder that says u don't need a man in ur life to complete u -- well, i'm here to tell u u do, and his name is jesus. at the time i sort of blew it off -- but honestly, that is what my life has become -- jesus completing the picture.

so what do i do when presented with a male who might be interested in dating. i run and hide and protest because it doesn't feel right to me. in my head -- i'm married to jesus. what man can compete with that and come out on top?? none.

so to all my well-meaning friends -- stop trying to fix me up. i love u all dearly and i understand ur wanting to "help the old girl along" -- but the old girl is doing just fine with papa god as her man. and she can't wait for the bridegroom to come!!

Its a Wonderful Life

ok, i have decided that there isn't a clear direction with what u r about to read. it started out with this random thought about feeling as opposed to just touching and somewhere along the line it took a detour and meandered down this other path of how we treat others and how they then perceive themselves because of how we treat them, and eventually wandered back onto the intended path. honestly, sometimes my mind gets from point A to point B but doesn't take the most direct route. and maybe that's just the way papa made me -- all weird like that -- and u can take what u want from this -- or not take it at all and i certainly won't be offended in any way, shape, or form.

ever since i was a little kid my all time favorite christmas movie was 'It's a Wonderful Life" with jimmy stewart and donna reed. its a very unlikely christmas movie in the traditional sense except that the climax of the movie happens at Christmas time and there is a moral to the story.

at any rate, if u haven't seen the movie the basic premise is about a guy who decides to end it all because his life has seemingly been one bad break after another on his way to the dream he had. i won't give the ending away completely for those who haven't seen it, but i'll tell u now that u probably should see it -- its an old black and white film and its worth the nickel to buy or rent (i just got a DVD of it last year for like $10 and it included a copy of 'White Christmas' as well -- another favorite of mine but not THE favorite). usually around this time of year one of the stations will show it -- if not a few -- its one of those "classics".

i digress -- i never understood y i liked this film because the beginning is depressing and kind of traumatic in certain places (although no blood, guts, or gore like u will see in films of today). but probably what attracted me to it initially was the fact that in the film the angel's name is Clarence -- and my grandpa's name was Clarence. the other thing was that as i got older, i could really relate to george bailey's (the main character) plight because it seemed that often my plans for my life were unexpectedly altered by one bad break after another. still, the end of george's movie was always the same, never altered (obviously) and so there was reason to hope that perhaps things could change for me. u know -- that typical hollywood ending kind of thing.

one of the things that george discovers upon "revisiting" his life during the progression of the movie, is that he did things that helped others, doing things that other ppl either couldn't or wouldn't do, and if it hadn't been for him a lot of ppl would have had a different outcome in their life. because he touched other ppl, it changed their life outcome. he could feel their need and so, because he took a chance and stepped out and did what was needed -- others had better lives for it.

i got to thinking about this when i listened to this dumb kleenex commercial on tv the other day (touch, touch, touch, touch, feel). if u don't know which one i mean, wait a minute and i'm sure it will be on the tube at some point for u to see. at any rate, this thought process was then cemented firmly in place when i heard kris vallotton talk one sunday evening about the redwood trees. he explained (and here's one of those random facts that i'll probably store away in my brain and pull out from time to time to use in equal randomness) that redwood trees don't have very deep roots. instead, their roots spread out all about them from all sides and intermingle with other trees' roots. because they r so intricately interlaced with each other, if u remove the wrong tree from the forest -- then the next time a strong wind comes along it will knock down a bunch of trees around the tree that was removed. they are so dependent upon each other that their basic survival depends upon the trees around them.

so let's take this to the next level with the touch touch feel kleenex commercial. how many ppl do we, on a daily basis touch touch touch and yet never "feel" them. ok, i'm not talking physically here, in a dirty get ur mind out of the gutter fashion. i'm talking about feeling another person's pain or need. i get upset sometimes with myself because i see ppl and can sense that something is wrong and yet sometimes do nothing about it because of fear -- fear of being laughed at or making a mistake in my assessment or -- here's a good one -- rejection. but its much more than that -- how many times do i pass someone on the street who probably is hungry or homeless and i do nothing about it -- out of fear. would u bring a homeless person into ur home and feed them?? my mom did -- on more than one occasion and she even allowed me to do it when i was little. its what i grew up with, but in this day and age -- yeah, not so much. yet that is what christ asked us to do -- when we stand before god on judgement day -- we will be asked -- how many did u feed, clothe, house, undo the chains of injustice? how many of his ppl will u have intertwined ur life with to the point of knowing a need, and fulfilling it?

i'm not the only one -- i know that for a fact. and i hate seeing wasteful spending -- especially gobs of money like this recent bailout thing -- because i know that thousands of homeless and hungry ppl could be helped with that money. there r some ppl who say, well its just a drop in the bucket -- it really wouldn't help all that many ppl -- but how many ppl do u think we could house and feed for even say $300,000? or a million? its not a drop in the bucket to those ppl and for one small instance in time we made a difference in someone's life and maybe that's enough to turn things around for them. i know that self-esteem takes time to rebuild -- but someone taking a chance and stepping out at the right moment can mean the world to someone in need. my feeling is if u treat ppl like trash, they can only feel and act like that -- but if u treat them as if they have a value, a worth -- they will start to feel that way about themselves and will start to pull themselves up. but this society has a way of treating those who r down and out like they deserve to be there -- and it does nothing to help them get out of their unfortunate place in life. george bailey could say that he had helped ppl pull themselves up -- he treated them as ppl of worth.

if christ came to ur door asking for bread and shelter -- would u recognize him?? would u let him in? if he came into ur church -- would u know it was him?? what if he was dressed in rags and smelled badly -- would u know it was him then?? and what would u do?? would u shoo him out the door because he didn't belong in ur nice neat tidy little church with the appropriately dressed ppl?

is my life like the redwood -- intricately woven with other trees around me? because i know that there r ppl that i've connected with over the years who have helped me tremendously through bad patches in my life -- emotionally, physically, financially, spiritually -- that i will be forever indebted to. their presence is so intricately woven into the fabric of my own life as to be so tangible in many of the daily things i do. i can do those things and clearly, in my mind's eye, see the times i spent with those ppl who were influential in that way.

my mom's legacy was that she touched and felt ppl -- all the time. she did stuff -- what i would consider extraordinary stuff -- that helped others in really wonderful ways. some of that stuff i never heard about until after she passed away, but a lot of it i experienced with her and her influence is woven into my life in an enormous way. she was never a 'sunday christian' -- she was a christian in the truest sense of the word -- she fed the hungry, took in the homeless, clothed the naked -- she gave of what little she had to help others -- she would sit and talk with ppl who were in trouble and help them to make sound decisions about where to go next. she was intricately woven into other ppls' lives. and to some extent, they were woven into her's.

i want to touch and feel. i want to do the kind of "fasting" that the lord requires -- Isaiah 58 and Matthew 25 -- he's put that on my heart so much in the last year. i want a "wonderful life" in papa god, and i want others to have that as well. i want to be able, when i die, to stand before papa and look back over my life and see the places where i have helped change (in a positive way) the outcome of someone else's life. i want to be intricately woven in to the lives of the ppl i've been around and know that i had a hand in helping them continue to stand. i want george bailey's wonderful life. what do u want??

Offline at my Etsy Shop for Today (Dec.6)

In case anyone goes to my shop and wonders y i don't have anything but a vintage wedding dress listed there -- i'm doing the crafts show today and taking all my goods with me -- so i deactivated them for now -- but later today (sat., dec. 6th) after probably 6pm EST, i'll be back online and will relist whatever hasn't sold. so, please check back later. blessings to all....

my thoughts on craft shows....

so tomorrow there is a crafts sale here at the development that i live in. initially there were only supposed to be three of us and in the tiny community building, that would have been good. but on tuesday i overheard the organizer saying to someone else that there was going to be 7 of us and we would be limited to ONE table. well, i knew from the outset that i would need more than one table to put my stuff on -- i have jewelry (a ton of it) and crocheted items (also a ton) and so its going to be difficult to display everything on one table. i'm planning on bringing my smaller table and setting it up as well. in the same footrprint as one table i can accommodate an L shape with two tables. my biggest concern is will there be enough walking room for the ppl who come to buy.

i probably should have been out doing crafts shows for a while now -- but its always such a hassle. trying to fit everything u'll need into ur car and not forget anything, dragging everything there, setting it all up and if its outside, bringing an easy-up and setting that up as well, making sure u have the right amount of change so that u can make change, paying for the space, tearing everything down and boxing it all up, trying to get stuff back in the car exactly the same as it was when u came -- it just always made me think that there was a better way to make money. don't get me wrong, when i was making doll clothing and polar fleece outerwear, i did really well most of the time at crafts shows. but i also had a ton of stuff to haul there and back and packing the van became an exercise in the ridiculous. at least with the jewelry and crocheted items, there isn't a bulk of stuff to haul.

but i also found that i did really well with word of mouth sales and i had two spaces in two craft malls. plus, i had a website that i had designed and maintained where i sold a good deal of stuff. so, over time i found i didn't need to do as many crafts shows and that was great for me because i had two small children at the time and it was just really difficult to do this stuff.

this weekend is the only weekend i have my daughter till christmas and i'm going to be working the show all day sat. and she's gone all day sunday to her play rehearsal. so this is one reason i turned to etsy -- to sell my items all year round and not have to do many shows.

at any rate, i told my daughter the other day that i'm going to sell everything i have made (and there's a lot there) -- and i spoke that to two other ppl as well. there is power in words -- god listens to our words and we can speak our own truths. so i was speaking my truth there -- and here -- i'm going to sell everything!