new creations

so i've been working on some new items. i haven't put them up at etsy yet, but they r up at my flickr site. here r some of the new items i've made in the last couple of weeks. if u see anything at the flickr site that u like, just contact me there and we can arrange payment and shipping info.

college visits -- part two

this past week has been a whirlwind. my daughter is a junior in high school and she had the week off for spring vacation. only for us it wasn't much of a vacation. we were looking at colleges and i spent the better part of 22+ hours driving. i've been through this before with my eldest child (now 21). we looked at 5 schools from one side of PA to the other for him and he ended up not applying to any of them only to end up in a huge school that he hated and dropped out of after a year. i had decided i wouldn't try to give advice this time. obviously, sometimes the best laid plans go awry. i'm a mother after all ....

of course her top choice was the first one scheduled -- with three more to follow (and two others that will have to be scheduled at a different time -- there r only so many days in the week). most of them had programs or tours that started at a decent hour (say 11 or 1) so that we could do a day-trip sort of thing. that wasn't so bad even though it made for a really long day for me (especially with my shoulder issues). see, even though she can drive, she can't drive my standard transmission car, and she hasn't gotten her license yet (feels its a waste of perfectly good money when she won't need it at college and will still have to pay insurance).

her top choice soon became no choice (we didn't even get to hear the presentation before she stated that she was pretty sure she wasn't going to go there or even bother applying). she's got that gift of discernment and something about the place really bothered her -- i'm thinking it was the very hilly terrain and the communal bathrooms (see she's spoiled because her brother's school had bathrooms in each dorm room). as she was announcing this i was left thinking, i just drove over 3 hours and into a screwy city with no city map in my hand and will now need to get us out of said screwy city and drive another 3+ hours home for u to tell me this???? all the time wondering if we were going to have a repeat of her brother's experience and if we were -- we could stop right now...

the second school we visited, her art teacher recommended. its kinda "out there" as colleges go, if u ask me. its for that "bohemian" crowd. i don't see my daughter as a bohemian -- but evidently she was thrilled. the school is in a refurbed dept. store -- i'm all for recycling and the space was huge and impressive for what they had in it and what was yet to be developed. everything reeked of cigarette smoke (including the refurbed hotel that served as a dorm -- each room had its own bathroom). my daughter doesn't smoke. as a matter of fact, she has asthma -- but on the day we visited she had a bad cold and couldn't smell anything. i wonder if a follow-up visit will change her outlook on it. i was looking at where its located and trying not to think of her walking alone at night from the studio to the dorm. of course, should i care whether its bohemian and smokey and potentially dangerous if she's getting a great education??? i can see that my views on this r obviously too motherly.

the third school is in our state and she's considering it her "safety" school. its an ok place even if the one all-female dorm (which is in a victorian house) is 30% lesbian. again -- we're talking artists here and they basically march to a different beat all the way around i'm discovering. but my daughter's reaction to this school was "well, its not going to kill me to come here, but its obviously NOT at the top of my list." alrighty then....

yesterday was probably the hardest day. friday night we'd gone to a worship meeting at church and even though i had thought we would leave early, we didn't depart until close to 10pm (and the meeting wasn't over). then i had to get up at 3:45am to drive 2+ hours to get to the last school we would be visiting early enough for their presentation (which, btw didn't start on time because some other parents couldn't seem to get their acts together to get there in time). needless to say, i was yawning a lot throughout the parental presentation. i was grumpy on the tour and they didn't even show us the living spaces for the students (they r building new ones for a third of the incoming students, but they still could have shown us the existing ones -- and the tour guide didn't wait till everybody was in one place to talk and often talked while walking so that those of us at the back of the pack couldn't hear her -- so we missed a good deal of what was being said, and yeah u get the picture).

even though i was impressed with the security and the school and the location (2 hours vs. 3+ for her new top choice), she still had stars in her eyes for the bohemian school and basically was blowing anything else off -- so y were we there?? idk

probably the best thing about the day was getting to see the sky that papa god was painting as we drove there and laughing about how mom was a dork for stopping to take pictures of it only to have a state policeman drive up behind her and ask if she was having a "kodak moment." then said daughter got the hiccups because she hadn't eaten any breakfast before we'd left (teens r like this u know) and so we laughed about how she knew i was going to scare her to try to get rid of them and "don't do it mom". when we got home, we both crashed in the livingroom (her on the floor and me on the couch) around 7. when i woke up at 9 and suggested we both go to bed i figured i might well be awake early and sure enough -- here i am at 3am writing.

throughout this whole college visit thing a couple of things have surfaced. first of all, i have a really tough time with the idea of my daughter sitting in a classroom with a naked man or woman in front of her that she's required to draw (hey, i'm a mom, sometimes we'd like to put a plastic bubble around our kids to protect them from stuff and keep them as innocent as possible for the longest period of time). something about seeing metalwork statutes of men with erect penises on the bohemian tour set me off i think and after that all naked drawings on the walls of the schools made me cringe (and i'm not a prude) ... even michelangelo managed to give david a flaccid penis.

secondly, i have no sense of art as its being expressed now. i've been reminded by my daughter that anything can be art and "can't u see what the artist is trying to say?" um, that they like other ppl's garbage and painting it all green makes it art??? yeah, even though i was raised in an artistic household, some things just don't speak art to me. i'm sorry....

i want my kids to have to have the best experiences they can, but i also realize that i can't tell them where to go to school. my daughter, for instance, refuses to look at colleges anywhere beyond a 3-4 hour drive -- which may be a good thing -- or a bad thing (limiting) if u get my drift. if i had been making the decision for my son, he would have gone to the smaller school in PA that we visited because for me, it seemed a good fit for him. instead, he chose a huge state school in the next state over and was miserable because he got lost in the shuffle. i can't tell my daughter where to go, but in a sense, i want her to be safe and happy and not be exposed to things that might tear down her morals and values. i think that's a pretty hard thing to find when we're talking art schools.

at some point i know i have to cut the umbilical cord. i've been reminded of this all too often with my son. what most children don't realize is that its very hard for a mom to do that. our purpose was to raise them, nurture them, teach them, protect them. yes, we have to let go, but after 18 years of doing our job, its hard to "switch gears". i've been calling on papa god more and more lately for strength to let go. after all, i was just a caretaker -- he is their protector -- they really belong to him and they were just on loan to me. once my job with them is done, i will be left "unemployed" -- which is essentially what i am in the real world anyhow. and then the question becomes -- what is my purpose now??

yes, this whole college visit thing stirs up a lot of emotions. i'm so glad i have papa god with me -- he surely is my rock to lean on. and who would know better than he about letting go and giving freedom to a child....

Feed Someone Today

i can't take credit for this -- someone sent it to me in one of those chain emails -- but it really hits close to home to how my heart has been feeling lately ....

***************************

A  holy man was having a  conversation with God one day and said,  ' God, I would like to know what Heaven and Hell are like.'

God led the holy man to two doors.
He opened one of the doors and the  holy man looked in.

In the middle of the room  was a large round table.   In the middle of the  table was a large pot of stew, which smelled delicious  and made the holy man's mouth water.

The people  sitting around the table were thin and sickly.  They appeared to be famished.

 They were  holding spoons with very long handles, that were  strapped to their arms and each found it possible to  reach into the pot of stew and take a spoonful.  

But because the handle was longer than their  arms, they could not get the spoons back into their mouths.
 The holy man shuddered at the sight of  their misery and suffering.
 God said, 'You  have seen Hell.' 
They went to the next room and opened the door.  It was exactly the same as the first one.

There was the large round table with  the large pot of stew which made the holy man's mouth  water.  
The people were equipped with the  same long-handled spoons, but here the people were well nourished and plump, laughing and  talking.  The holy man said, 'I don't understand.'  
'It is simple,' said  God .  'It  requires but one skill.  
You see they have  learned to feed each other, while the greedy think only of themselves.'

feeling sorry for myself

so i'm sitting here feeling sorry for myself. and u may ask y...

back in august i fell at Soulfest -- which is this like amazing three day Christian band event. it was only our second time going and this time we (my daughter and a friend of her's) decided to stay in a hotel and NOT sleep in the car (a rather wise move). but it turned out really crappy because it rained a lot and i didn't get to see the bands i wanted to see, and i was having issues with my daughter -- and then i fell.

it was my own stupidity. we got off the ski lift and instead of going around the roped area, i crawled through them like my daughter's friend did and my foot got caught in the rope and i fell -- onto the graveled parking lot. I ended up with gravel in my hand (and still bear the scars from that) and evidently i tore my rotator cuff.

well, a lot of things were happening. we were going to my dad's, school was starting for my daughter, then it was thanksgiving and then christmas and by this time my arm is killing me all the time and keeping me awake at night and everybody is yelling at me to go to the doctor's and get it checked out and i know i can't afford to go until AFTER i've had my physical at the beginning of this year -- so that the insurance will pay for anything i might need done, and if i needed surgery how was that gonna mess things up at home blah blah blah.... and i was reading all i could about what it might be and was pretty much convinced it was a torn rotator cuff because of how the pain presented itself when i rolled over onto it. and i was still trying to live (drive a car, shovel snow, do the housework, cook meals, wash dishes), even though it was difficult to get dressed or even wash my hair sometimes for the pain.

its not that i like pain -- i hate pain -- but the reality is that there isn't much they can give me to get rid of the pain either -- because when i had my first child by C-section they sent me home with no meds after three days because i couldn't tolerate what they had given me in the hospital. and i can be quite "stoic" sometimes when it comes to this sort of stuff and keep my mouth shut. its like, if i'm complaining about it, u know its hurting badly.

so last week i had my physical and after a lot of other nonsense (my blood pressure was up and mind they r taking it in the arm that is paining me but w/e), i was given a slip to get xrays and blood work and a referral to physical therapy. in the meantime, i can no longer take ibuprofen because it interacts with the new bp meds they gave me -- so i have one pain reliever alternative and that's tylenol -- which, if any of u have ever had this sort of injury, u know that tylenol doesn't touch it.

today was my first PT appt. -- really an evaluation of sorts -- and it appears that my shoulder is partially frozen and will require at least four weeks of twice a week PT, along with exercises to try and get it unfrozen and give me back some of my mobility and range of motion. and then they gave me an ultrasound treatment and i came home in pain and took tylenol and yeah -- u can guess the rest.

so i'm sitting here thinking how can i look for a job or even take a job when i can't move my arm and i'm in pain and yeah -- time for the pity party.

if anyone out there feels like praying for me -- i'd really appreciate it.

misery loves company??

i'm currently in a blue funk. a lot of things have contributed to this funk, but the one that sticks prominently in my mind is what's happening at my church. i laughingly use the word "my" because deep down, i know this church is not where god wants me to stay.

i love papa god, and most of the time i do trust him -- but idk what to think right now. it isn't just what i'm sensing while i'm there -- its what i'm hearing from others and the way they have been treated. how can christians say they are christians when they treat each other so badly. we're supposed to love one another, not bash each other about and judge each other till the cows come home.

the worst part is that attacks on me have begun and being the "i'd like everybody to like me" type, its hard for me to be so misjudged. i was even told by the self-appointed facebook "police" from our church that i'm on facebook too much and that all my stuff is "out there for everybody to see". um yeah, no, because i restrict what can and can't be seen by the general public, but w/e. i didn't realize until just a couple of days ago that this person saying that to me has made me not want to write anything or blog about anything. and that's probably one reason i'm feeling so blue.

i used to write a lot. then i got married and was miserable -- most of my writings went into my journals because it was so private -- and the internet wasn't the prevalent place it is now -- there was no such thing as a blog. i did have a column in a small local paper for a couple of years. then somewhere along the line, i stopped writing altogether -- it was just to painful to put it on paper anywhere. i didn't start writing again until i got my divorce and then i was unstoppable. but i've allowed the words -- the wounding words -- of this ONE person in my church stop me from doing something i love doing -- all because i want to be accepted by man....

just when i think i have gotten past this need for verification of my life from man -- something comes in and smacks me (that's the enemy, btw, dragging my old man out of the closet and throwing it at me). it makes me realize that there is a part of me that still perhaps wants that -- that there is still a gaping hole in my heart that wants filling and somehow i feel that man can do that. but the reality is that man is imperfect and can't fill the hole and won't fill the hole because in their own woundedness, all they want to do is wound others, not help them. they want others to feel as wretched as they do so that they won't have to be the only wretched person on the planet. as someone reminded me yesterday -- hurt ppl, hurt ppl.

and this is something that i have begun to see as a trend in churches. all these christians feel like they need to be wretched and downcast because y idk?? i admit that there were times in my life when i was miserable too -- but mostly it was because of circumstances and feeling like god didn't give a hoot about me or my circumstances. i've come to realize that that is NOT the case -- he cares a lot -- its just that sometimes the choices we make, give little room for making things work out right. but somehow god takes even the most awful of circumstances and uses them for good.

at any rate, i can't let this funk continue because it will only drag me down and out -- i don't want to be a miserable christian. i've said this before. i want to be the salt and the light -- to shine god's love so brightly that others will say, "i want that". i firmly believe that we don't have to be downcast and wretched as christians. that was never what papa god intended for us. and by being that way, it makes other ppl say -- y would i want to be a christian if i'm going to be miserable all the time.

i also realize that my old man was killed off when i accepted christ and i need to stop letting the enemy drag him out of the closet and jiggle him around in front of me. that is not who i am any more -- i'm a new creation in christ. and it will take heavy armor from god to keep the enemy at bay with this because he knows its pushing buttons.

i started feeling more and more like i really don't care what other ppl think. i never thought i would get to that point. but this last bout has made me realize even more that the one that i care the most about what they think is papa god. he's all that matters. i must be doing something right for the enemy to be coming against me so strongly. but i know with papa god by my side, i can do anything. the joy i feel when i think of him with me always is overflowing and if it bothers other christians because i walk around with a smile on my face, that is their issue and not mine. i don't need to be miserable and wretched -- papa wants me happy. that's not to say there won't be times when circumstances weigh me down -- but it doesn't mean i have to stay in the hole and wallow around there. papa can bring me back out into the sunshine. i need to keep my eyes ever on him.

Someday is Today

someday you will be loved....

last night i went to a financial aid for college meeting at my daughter's school. everything was fine until my ex showed up -- with his girlfriend in tow. i got to see them huddled at the back table -- heads together, chatting, laughing. it was nauseating to say the least. my daughter lamented that he might as well have not bothered to come.

in my head, i understand y he came and y he came with her (her daughter is in the same grade as mine). i can logically deduce all this. but it was emotionally tearing.... and here i thought i was over it.

it got worse because after the meeting i went to chat to two friends i hadn't seen since my store closed and paula asked me how i was and i said i was fine till my ex showed up with his girlfriend and she said, "oh, that's odd". whereupon the other friend said, "no, not really, he's dating _______'s mom". so people know and that makes it worse....

its always one step forward and two back it seems. and i can beat myself up over what i'm feeling, but the reality is that its not even that i want to be with him -- its just that i don't want to see him with other women because its just a reminder of how it all ended -- with another woman.

i can't dictate to him who he dates or when he dates or even where he takes them -- but common sense would say -- or should say -- to him that perhaps a school meeting where his daughter will be isn't the time or place. he has never cared about my feelings -- but shouldn't he care about her's.

so i went to bed with this weight hanging over me and this morning i woke up with the song "someday you will be loved" in my head and i couldn't shake it all morning and ended up playing it on itunes -- just to get it out of my head (i know that will make no sense to anyone, but its how my head was working this morning).

the reality is this -- that i am loved -- and deeply -- by father god. nobody could ever love me as much as he loves me. it will never be as good with anyone else as it is with him. i don't have to do anything to win his love -- its already given freely. i don't have to look a certain way -- its an unconditional agape love. so i don't need the song to tell me that someday i will be loved when i'm loved right now, right here, in this place.

and the other great thing about papa god's love is that he will never disappoint me -- he is the most faithful -- i can trust him with all my heart not to hurt me. how could i ever want more than that.... and all this junk in my head right now -- this is the enemy pushing buttons. i just need to keep my eyes on papa -- the greatest lover of all!

thoughts on b'days when ur past the half century mark

so yesterday was my birthday and i turned um yeah -- 53 -- and someone reminded me that that's more than half a century and i'm like yeah u can leave now.... its not that i mind getting older, i just don't need to be reminded of it -- coz i already know it -- like when i roll over in bed and try to get comfortable and realize there is no comfortable anymore in bed. and really, in my view its just another day.

i'm a january baby and we tend to get short-shrifted in the present dept. like the december babies. but for me it was never about the presents. evidently i was born in the middle of a snow storm. my dad (a music educator at the high school) was having a meeting with students and parents at the house and my mom went into labor. not being the type to make a fuss, she waited till the meeting was over to tell my dad she was in labor. their first attempt to make it to the hospital in the snowstorm was thwarted and they had to take another route. the only way they knew where the road was was because of the telephone poles. good thing she was in labor for 18 hours -- gave them lots of time to get to the hospital. idk if she was awake or not because in those days -- they tended to knock women out with drugs during delivery. she wasn't awake for my brother's birth, but whether she awake for mine or not, idk. but i do know that my father was not present in the room when i was born -- fathers were NOT allowed to be present during the birth of their children.

when i was younger, i would tell my mom on my birthday how much i loved her and thank her for giving birth to me. even when i moved away from her home, i would call her on my birthday. some ppl would say that was odd -- i think it was appropriate considering all she did for me. that first year after she died was really hard for me -- the holidays without her were miserable, but when my birthday came around and i realized i couldn't call her with my usual message of love and gratitude, it was particularly hard.

i had two "parties" on my birthday growing up. one when i turned five (which we have silent movies of because that was BEFORE video cameras with sound) and one when i turned 16. my 16th b'day party wasn't anything like the ones u hear about nowadays. i think there were like 6 ppl there (including my then boyfriend and my best friend Patty who would eventually become my boyfriend's girlfriend -- we won't even go there). we have pictures. its not pretty (think early 70's and hippie clothing). when i turned 21 it was not a big deal and i didn't even go out and drink -- like most ppl do -- i wasn't into that stuff.

somewhere along the line, b'days became just another day. i can't quite put my finger on when it happened, but i was pretty much ok with it. i never liked ppl making a fuss over me anyhow, so it was just as well to try and ignore the birthdays. it wasn't that i was trying to stop time or turn back the clocks, although sometimes i would have liked a "do-over". i just didn't want the attention.

several years ago on my birthday i was having a bad time of it. my marriage was falling apart and life just generally seemed like the pits. i was doing laundry because it was "just another day". it was really cold outside and i didn't know that the drain pipe to the washing machine was frozen, so when the washer started to drain, water went flying out all over the place until i could get to it to get it stopped. i had to call the person who managed the apt. bldg. we were living in. he came out and took a blow torch to the pipe -- which was plastic (u could smell the melting plastic). unfortunately, he also tried to burn down the building because he set the fluff from the dryer on fire. i wasn't able to use my washer for a while until they could get someone out to replace the drain pipe that he melted. with two children in the house, that's not a good thing. i basically sat and cried and said it was the worst birthday i'd ever had. it was probably right around then that i resolved i was going to completely ignore my b'days.

i always made a big deal about my kids' b'days. i would always try to have a few friends over for them and do the whole cake and games thing for them. they had friends who had big deal parties, but my kids had to contend with smaller scale just because we couldn't afford to do a whole lot. i learned how to be really creative and stretch a dollar while still allowing the kids to have a good time. but there was one b'day for my daughter that was particularly bad and i won't go into the details suffice to say that it was controlled by one of her teachers at school and not by me and thus made for a bad time (she says) for her.

when i got divorced my daughter and i moved into our current abode a week or so before her b'day, which is three days before mine. she wanted a sleep over so i basically busted butt to make sure there was enough sleeping space amid boxes for the girls she invited. sometime in the middle of the night the freezer door got left open and all the food in the freezer thawed. i had to throw out a bunch of stuff and with no money to buy more i figured it was gonna be a pretty miserable month. actually, friends came to the rescue and it was all good. but my daughter basically told me that her birthdays were always miserable (and evidently that was all my fault). ever since then i've tried really hard to make them happy events, but she always manages to find something wrong with them. i have resigned myself to the fact that i'll never meet her expectations when it comes to making them happy for her.

at what point does it matter how many b'days we have. i mean they tout in the news the ppl who survive over 100 -- although even that doesn't seem like such a big deal anymore -- now its if u live to be 110. i think about what god wanted for us when he created man. that we would never know sin and never die. ppl lived hundreds of years. but our world just got more and more corrupt and as it did, our longevity went down the tubes. now we're content with 70, 80, or 90 years of life.

my dad used to say that living another year sure beat the alternative (death) -- he's turning 83 this year and can sometimes be a cantankerous old man. but i used to think (and still sometimes do) that dying wouldn't be so bad because i'd get to go be with papa god.

honestly, even with all the junk in my life, i have liked getting older and hopefully wiser. but i realize that things rn't like they used to be and never will be again. families don't live together for generations anymore and the youth don't learn -- or want to learn from their elders -- most of the time there isn't even any respect for their elders and y should there be when most of the time their parents can't be bothered with them for want of fulfilling their own needs. what i have to look forward to is being cantankerous like my dad, or worse yet, incapacitated in some way, unable to care for myself and not knowing who i am or where i am (like my grandma and grandfather were), possibly being subjected to abuse in some facility because my family can't be bothered with me (oh that's subject for another blog some day). my dad says that if he ever gets to the place where he can't take care of himself he's going to shoot himself -- i think he won't be able to if he can't even take care of himself, but w/e. let him live with the idea that he will control his demise if that keeps him happy. sometimes i think that my mom was blessed because she didn't have to suffer with some awful illness, she didn't have to know what it felt like to be incapacitated in any way and she got to be with papa god -- something i know she was looking forward to. but she missed out on getting to see her grandkids and be a part of their lives. that perhaps is one thing i will be sad about -- not seeing the next generations come into the world or seeing them develop.

i've seen a lot of changes in the world -- some good -- some not so good -- and i know that it probably will only get worse before jesus comes for his bride. ppl r rude to each other -- even when they r in the wrong -- there is no sense of value anymore -- we've become a throw-away society -- if it doesn't work, get rid of it -- even with our own families it seems. there is very little attempt on the most part to try and get along with each other -- find some common ground where we can stand side by side with each other and make things work for the common good. if it doesn't work, don't fix it, just throw it away. i'm as guilty as the next guy of that sometimes.

the only thing that birthdays do for me now, r to make me look at where i have been and where i am and wonder where papa god is going to take me before he takes me home. it's not exactly the kind of "celebration" that requires cake and partying....

what i've learned this year ....

things i've learned really well this year:

that the ppl that should love and accept u the most coz they r related by blood, usually don't and won't and will most likely disappoint u if u have any expectations that they should

that sometimes u have to stick ur neck out for what u believe in and that includes understanding that while sticking ur neck out, u might get ur head chopped off -- and mostly likely, the person(s) doing the chopping r related by blood (see above)

that just because u do stuff for other ppl and have compassion doesn't mean that those around u will have the same mindset and u need to be prepared to be disappointed if u think they should

that just because u think ur speaking english to another person who also speaks and understands english, doesn't necessarily mean that they will comprehend what ur saying

that if u expect things to change just because a large amount of time has elapsed and u've changed ur perspective on the situation, that it probably hasn't for the other parties involved

that u should never expect anyone to say they love u to u after u've said it to them -- most likely, they didn't even notice u said it and/or feel really uncomfortable with those feelings and thus, won't respond

that sometimes, it doesn't matter how old u r, some ppl think ur still 5 and treat u that way -- or worse yet -- that ur too old and stupid to know anything or contribute anything meaningful to society

and here's the most important thing i learned this year. that papa god can be counted on for just about any need u have and u just need to make a plan to follow him, because in reality -- he'll never disappoint u, he'll always love u, he will meet any need u have, he's a great comforter, and when ur really down, he'll carry u... that great joy can be found in resting in him and listening to his voice...

thoughts on dating ....

its been over 4 years since my divorce was final. mind, i think mentally i was divorced long before papers were filed. after my divorce, i took this divorce care class where they took u through all the stages of grief and basically tried to set u on the right path again. they said that for every 5 years of marriage it typically took 1 year of healing. i was married almost 22 years (missed that anniversary by 1.5 months) -- so by their calculations it should take me about 4.4 years to be completely healed, and ready to "date" again.

who r they kidding. the fact of the matter is that i'm not ready to date. i'm not sure i'll ever be ready to date. i don't want to date. ppl (friends) r trying to push me to date -- i'm shaking my head no. they r saying that i need to be taken out and treated nicely -- like a woman should be -- because i've never had that. they r nuts...

shortly before the divorce was final my daughter and i were at a store waiting in line to cash out and we got to talking about a friend who had divorced and remarried within a short period of time. at that point, my then 12 yo daughter spouted, "mom, ur not datable". i was stunned -- was it because i was too ugly, too old, too fat, too w/e? i needed to know so i asked and she said, "because ur a mom" -- like being a mom meant that i shouldn't be dating. and she's really kind of right on in that regard now that i have had time to think about it.

basically, what it comes down to is that i have a lot of insecurities and issues with dating. first of all, i don't trust my own instincts. and its not that i wouldn't mind having a companion to spend time with and do things together. i just don't want all the encumbrances that go with that. not on a daily basis, anyhow. and the other thing is that i'm not sure i'm meant to be with anyone but papa god.

when i first got divorced a prophet said to me -- u know that chip u have on ur shoulder that says u don't need a man in ur life to complete u -- well, i'm here to tell u u do, and his name is jesus. at the time i sort of blew it off -- but honestly, that is what my life has become -- jesus completing the picture.

so what do i do when presented with a male who might be interested in dating. i run and hide and protest because it doesn't feel right to me. in my head -- i'm married to jesus. what man can compete with that and come out on top?? none.

so to all my well-meaning friends -- stop trying to fix me up. i love u all dearly and i understand ur wanting to "help the old girl along" -- but the old girl is doing just fine with papa god as her man. and she can't wait for the bridegroom to come!!

Its a Wonderful Life

ok, i have decided that there isn't a clear direction with what u r about to read. it started out with this random thought about feeling as opposed to just touching and somewhere along the line it took a detour and meandered down this other path of how we treat others and how they then perceive themselves because of how we treat them, and eventually wandered back onto the intended path. honestly, sometimes my mind gets from point A to point B but doesn't take the most direct route. and maybe that's just the way papa made me -- all weird like that -- and u can take what u want from this -- or not take it at all and i certainly won't be offended in any way, shape, or form.

ever since i was a little kid my all time favorite christmas movie was 'It's a Wonderful Life" with jimmy stewart and donna reed. its a very unlikely christmas movie in the traditional sense except that the climax of the movie happens at Christmas time and there is a moral to the story.

at any rate, if u haven't seen the movie the basic premise is about a guy who decides to end it all because his life has seemingly been one bad break after another on his way to the dream he had. i won't give the ending away completely for those who haven't seen it, but i'll tell u now that u probably should see it -- its an old black and white film and its worth the nickel to buy or rent (i just got a DVD of it last year for like $10 and it included a copy of 'White Christmas' as well -- another favorite of mine but not THE favorite). usually around this time of year one of the stations will show it -- if not a few -- its one of those "classics".

i digress -- i never understood y i liked this film because the beginning is depressing and kind of traumatic in certain places (although no blood, guts, or gore like u will see in films of today). but probably what attracted me to it initially was the fact that in the film the angel's name is Clarence -- and my grandpa's name was Clarence. the other thing was that as i got older, i could really relate to george bailey's (the main character) plight because it seemed that often my plans for my life were unexpectedly altered by one bad break after another. still, the end of george's movie was always the same, never altered (obviously) and so there was reason to hope that perhaps things could change for me. u know -- that typical hollywood ending kind of thing.

one of the things that george discovers upon "revisiting" his life during the progression of the movie, is that he did things that helped others, doing things that other ppl either couldn't or wouldn't do, and if it hadn't been for him a lot of ppl would have had a different outcome in their life. because he touched other ppl, it changed their life outcome. he could feel their need and so, because he took a chance and stepped out and did what was needed -- others had better lives for it.

i got to thinking about this when i listened to this dumb kleenex commercial on tv the other day (touch, touch, touch, touch, feel). if u don't know which one i mean, wait a minute and i'm sure it will be on the tube at some point for u to see. at any rate, this thought process was then cemented firmly in place when i heard kris vallotton talk one sunday evening about the redwood trees. he explained (and here's one of those random facts that i'll probably store away in my brain and pull out from time to time to use in equal randomness) that redwood trees don't have very deep roots. instead, their roots spread out all about them from all sides and intermingle with other trees' roots. because they r so intricately interlaced with each other, if u remove the wrong tree from the forest -- then the next time a strong wind comes along it will knock down a bunch of trees around the tree that was removed. they are so dependent upon each other that their basic survival depends upon the trees around them.

so let's take this to the next level with the touch touch feel kleenex commercial. how many ppl do we, on a daily basis touch touch touch and yet never "feel" them. ok, i'm not talking physically here, in a dirty get ur mind out of the gutter fashion. i'm talking about feeling another person's pain or need. i get upset sometimes with myself because i see ppl and can sense that something is wrong and yet sometimes do nothing about it because of fear -- fear of being laughed at or making a mistake in my assessment or -- here's a good one -- rejection. but its much more than that -- how many times do i pass someone on the street who probably is hungry or homeless and i do nothing about it -- out of fear. would u bring a homeless person into ur home and feed them?? my mom did -- on more than one occasion and she even allowed me to do it when i was little. its what i grew up with, but in this day and age -- yeah, not so much. yet that is what christ asked us to do -- when we stand before god on judgement day -- we will be asked -- how many did u feed, clothe, house, undo the chains of injustice? how many of his ppl will u have intertwined ur life with to the point of knowing a need, and fulfilling it?

i'm not the only one -- i know that for a fact. and i hate seeing wasteful spending -- especially gobs of money like this recent bailout thing -- because i know that thousands of homeless and hungry ppl could be helped with that money. there r some ppl who say, well its just a drop in the bucket -- it really wouldn't help all that many ppl -- but how many ppl do u think we could house and feed for even say $300,000? or a million? its not a drop in the bucket to those ppl and for one small instance in time we made a difference in someone's life and maybe that's enough to turn things around for them. i know that self-esteem takes time to rebuild -- but someone taking a chance and stepping out at the right moment can mean the world to someone in need. my feeling is if u treat ppl like trash, they can only feel and act like that -- but if u treat them as if they have a value, a worth -- they will start to feel that way about themselves and will start to pull themselves up. but this society has a way of treating those who r down and out like they deserve to be there -- and it does nothing to help them get out of their unfortunate place in life. george bailey could say that he had helped ppl pull themselves up -- he treated them as ppl of worth.

if christ came to ur door asking for bread and shelter -- would u recognize him?? would u let him in? if he came into ur church -- would u know it was him?? what if he was dressed in rags and smelled badly -- would u know it was him then?? and what would u do?? would u shoo him out the door because he didn't belong in ur nice neat tidy little church with the appropriately dressed ppl?

is my life like the redwood -- intricately woven with other trees around me? because i know that there r ppl that i've connected with over the years who have helped me tremendously through bad patches in my life -- emotionally, physically, financially, spiritually -- that i will be forever indebted to. their presence is so intricately woven into the fabric of my own life as to be so tangible in many of the daily things i do. i can do those things and clearly, in my mind's eye, see the times i spent with those ppl who were influential in that way.

my mom's legacy was that she touched and felt ppl -- all the time. she did stuff -- what i would consider extraordinary stuff -- that helped others in really wonderful ways. some of that stuff i never heard about until after she passed away, but a lot of it i experienced with her and her influence is woven into my life in an enormous way. she was never a 'sunday christian' -- she was a christian in the truest sense of the word -- she fed the hungry, took in the homeless, clothed the naked -- she gave of what little she had to help others -- she would sit and talk with ppl who were in trouble and help them to make sound decisions about where to go next. she was intricately woven into other ppls' lives. and to some extent, they were woven into her's.

i want to touch and feel. i want to do the kind of "fasting" that the lord requires -- Isaiah 58 and Matthew 25 -- he's put that on my heart so much in the last year. i want a "wonderful life" in papa god, and i want others to have that as well. i want to be able, when i die, to stand before papa and look back over my life and see the places where i have helped change (in a positive way) the outcome of someone else's life. i want to be intricately woven in to the lives of the ppl i've been around and know that i had a hand in helping them continue to stand. i want george bailey's wonderful life. what do u want??

Offline at my Etsy Shop for Today (Dec.6)

In case anyone goes to my shop and wonders y i don't have anything but a vintage wedding dress listed there -- i'm doing the crafts show today and taking all my goods with me -- so i deactivated them for now -- but later today (sat., dec. 6th) after probably 6pm EST, i'll be back online and will relist whatever hasn't sold. so, please check back later. blessings to all....

my thoughts on craft shows....

so tomorrow there is a crafts sale here at the development that i live in. initially there were only supposed to be three of us and in the tiny community building, that would have been good. but on tuesday i overheard the organizer saying to someone else that there was going to be 7 of us and we would be limited to ONE table. well, i knew from the outset that i would need more than one table to put my stuff on -- i have jewelry (a ton of it) and crocheted items (also a ton) and so its going to be difficult to display everything on one table. i'm planning on bringing my smaller table and setting it up as well. in the same footrprint as one table i can accommodate an L shape with two tables. my biggest concern is will there be enough walking room for the ppl who come to buy.

i probably should have been out doing crafts shows for a while now -- but its always such a hassle. trying to fit everything u'll need into ur car and not forget anything, dragging everything there, setting it all up and if its outside, bringing an easy-up and setting that up as well, making sure u have the right amount of change so that u can make change, paying for the space, tearing everything down and boxing it all up, trying to get stuff back in the car exactly the same as it was when u came -- it just always made me think that there was a better way to make money. don't get me wrong, when i was making doll clothing and polar fleece outerwear, i did really well most of the time at crafts shows. but i also had a ton of stuff to haul there and back and packing the van became an exercise in the ridiculous. at least with the jewelry and crocheted items, there isn't a bulk of stuff to haul.

but i also found that i did really well with word of mouth sales and i had two spaces in two craft malls. plus, i had a website that i had designed and maintained where i sold a good deal of stuff. so, over time i found i didn't need to do as many crafts shows and that was great for me because i had two small children at the time and it was just really difficult to do this stuff.

this weekend is the only weekend i have my daughter till christmas and i'm going to be working the show all day sat. and she's gone all day sunday to her play rehearsal. so this is one reason i turned to etsy -- to sell my items all year round and not have to do many shows.

at any rate, i told my daughter the other day that i'm going to sell everything i have made (and there's a lot there) -- and i spoke that to two other ppl as well. there is power in words -- god listens to our words and we can speak our own truths. so i was speaking my truth there -- and here -- i'm going to sell everything!

Holiday Sale at My Etsy Shop

i'm having a holiday sale at my Etsy shop. 15% off everything in the shop and free shipping on additional items purchased after the first item. take a look. do ur shopping online at Etsy -- shop handmade and don't fight the mall crowds! plus, u'll be helping to support some really wonderful home-based businesses with ur purchases. Check out my Etsy shop!

a thanksgiving story

i tell this story every once in a blue moon -- usually around thanksgiving time because that's when this happened. and usually i get teary-eyed when i think about it. here's my best thanksgiving day story.

first off, u have to know that my mom was my best friend. i could talk to her about anything -- and i did. and she was the best cook i know. it was mostly self-taught coz her mom (my grandma) was a lousy cook. so my mom learned how to cook by watching other ppl and asking questions and reading cookbooks. she was an amazing person. she also, most of the time, made up recipes in her head and there they pretty much stayed. she rarely measured anything -- she just knew by looking if it was the right amount. and her food always was great. scalloped potatoes -- always the same consistency. she also felt this was a way to give something of herself to other ppl -- by gathering them around her table to feed them. it was her way of loving on us.

the other neat thing about her was that she always had an open door to anyone -- and i mean anyone -- she even let me bring home the hobos from the train station that wasn't more than half a block from our house -- to have dinner with us. she never showed any sort of disgust at the way they might appear -- she just invited them in and sat them down and fed them like they were family -- coz to her -- they were.

with all this cooking that went on, u would think that i would have gotten some sort of culinary ability -- but see even though i sat in my mom's kitchen and watched and sometimes she'd let me help, my brain never really paid all that close attention to what she was actually doing. i guess there was some part of me that thought i'd have mom forever so why did i need to learn to do it.

so u can imagine when my mom died when my son was just 3 months old how lost i was without her. i even said to my dad, how am i gonna learn to be a good mom now without my mom to show me how. and he said -- "she already showed u how -- by her example". still -- i missed my mom -- and when that first thanksgiving came around and we wouldn't be spending it with her and my dad (he went to my brother's in texas), i was lost.

i said to my then husband that i wanted to do thanksgiving like mom would have -- thinking it might ease my grief. little did i know what an impact that statement would have. i didn't know where to begin. a turkey and some stuffing seemed like a daunting enough task, but the big thing would be my mom's sweet potatoes. see my mom had her own way of doing sweet potatoes and there was no written recipe in any of her cookbooks for them. what i knew was that she always made them in an electric skillet and she always put apples in them. but beyond that, i really didn't have a clue. so my husband suggested i get the things i needed to make the meal, and at the grocery store i had a keen sense that i was to get 5 sweet potatoes and 3 granny smith apples. i didn't know y that ratio was important, but that's what i felt i needed.

the day came to make the meal and of course i have a 9 month old to tend to as well as make the dinner. after putting the turkey in the oven, i stood in the kitchen for what seemed like forever staring at those sweet potatoes and apples thinking, lord help me i wish my mom were here. suddenly i felt like i was being told -- in my head -- what to do. put the butter in the pan, a little more, good. peel and cut up the potatoes, and put them in the pan with the melted butter, good. now peel and core the apples and cut them into chunks, and put them in the pan with the potatoes, good. okay now add some brown sugar -- a little more, that's good. and don't forget the king syrup -- ok a little more -- good. ok now just let it all cook for a while and stir it occasionally. it was like my mom was there in the kitchen with me, telling me what to do, looking over my shoulder -- it was comforting and odd at the same time.

when it was all said and done, i was afraid to try them. i mean i still had the taste of mom's potatoes in my head -- it wasn't a memory i wanted to lose by trying someone else's. so i told my husband to try them and he said they tasted just like my mom's. then i tasted them and they did taste just like my mom's. that first thanksgiving with my son and without my mom -- was a turning point for me in the grieving process. my son had his first taste of my mom's sweet potatoes -- and i learned to live without my mom.

i would like to believe that papa god let my mom be there in that kitchen with me helping me that day. her one last blessing. because ever since that day those sweet potatoes have become a staple in our home. i make them every thanksgiving and christmas. sometimes i even make them just for the heck of it. whenever we go to my dad's he asks me to make them, and his girlfriend has gotten the recipe from me to make them as well. idk if my kids will ever carry on this tradition in their own homes, but i'd like to think that that little piece of my mom would carry down from generation to generation. that and her love for her family and all ppl. thanks mom -- u truly were the greatest mom and i still miss u!

get out of the boat

on sunday a friend came up to me at the end of the service at church and announced that papa told him to tell me that i'm supposed to "get out of the boat". i told him to shut up. its not that i don't appreciate the message -- its that i hate the vagueness of it. later he told me that i was supposed to read Matthew 14 -- the part where jesus -- who is walking on the water -- asks peter to come to him and basically tells him not to be afraid and to keep his eye on jesus. but for me -- this word, seems vague and its a tad annoying and irritating when what i'd rather have is solid answers. it would be better for someone to say, "papa says get out of the boat and go do such and thus." but that NEVER happens.

this is just one of the myriad of reasons why i started to hate prophets speaking over me and just one reason i stopped going up for a word during church for a long time. there is so much left open for interpretation and yeah, here it comes, mistakes to be made in the vagueness of it all. even when i hear for myself i have to wonder, is that really god and am i really interpreting it correctly. i questioned (and still do) myself all the time. and after revisiting my old church, it became clear to me why papa had me leave there -- because others were questioning me too -- actually others just felt i wasn't hearing from papa at all -- so he had to get me out of there so that he could speak to me clearly and not have me questioning or have others questioning. because when others questioned, it convinced me that i wasn't -- and he needed me to be convinced that i was.

so sunday evening, monday throughout the day and even already this morning, i keep hearing all these "messages" about not fearing. i didn't think i was -- but maybe i am. i thought i was already out of the boat -- not walking on the water -- but certainly keeping my eye on papa. and maybe he's just reminding me to keep doing that. idk maybe the worst isn't the now, but is left to come and i just need to focus on papa during this time -- maybe its a warning. maybe its an instruction to go and do -- and i'm missing it. see there is just too much room there to make a mistake on what i'm supposed to do with this "word".

i appreciate this friend a lot. sometimes it seems we're both at the same place -- we're not because he's so much farther ahead in the spiritual arena than i am -- but there is some commonality there that we can reach into and communicate about (fears, frustrations, etc.). and i feel really badly that i told him to shut up -- he doesn't understand how i take these "words". i apologized, but it doesn't stop me from feeling badly about it all. and instead of feeling good about getting a word from papa through someone else, i'm left wishing i didn't have to think about any of it because this is when i could (have) drive myself crazy just thinking about all the "what if's" that go along with it -- all the mistakes i could make trying to interpret it -- ugh!!

new things

today i made two new pieces with the help of my friend Frieda over at Deer Mountain Creations who cut out the original hearts. u can catch up with her blog here:
Deer Mountain Creations Blogspot
and u can check out her esty creations here:
Deer Mountain Creations Esty Shop
when she sent them to me i had originally thought i would take a different approach than what i ended up doing, but my original idea wouldn't fly. so i had my neighbor (who has this really tiny drummel drill) drill little tiny holes in them just big enough for an eye pin and i did a wrapped "bail" sort of thing on them. i really like the end results and u can view them here:
Heart Necklace Set #1
Heart Necklace Set #2

owl's this for focusing on what papa is doing ...

so some not so good stuff happening right now -- but i'm not gonna dwell on that and i'll explain in a moment.

but some great stuff happening too. i got an email yesterday evening telling me i was in an Etsy treasury. and then come to find out this morning that i was in two treasuries. they don't last long -- but here's the url's for now.
Treasury One
Treasury Two
its pretty exciting and this is my second and third treasuries on Etsy. both of the treasuries were put together by ladies on the CASTeam that i'm a member of. wonderful bunch of ppl.

so the reason i'm not dwelling on the bad stuff anymore is that i watched this video interview on YouTube that Bill Johnson did and he basically said that we're supposed to concentrate on what Papa has done and is doing and not keep a list of what he hasn't done because that's fuel for unbelief. i really believe its true. so i'm choosing to see the blessings i've been given by Papa and ignore the stuff that hasn't come. someone i know actually keeps a blessings journal -- and writes in it every time she and her family r blessed in some way. very cool!!!

on another note, my dd made this wonderful little soapstone owl in her art class. then her teacher nominated her as one of only a handful of juniors to put it at the local art gallery. her teacher told her that her sculpture is the only one she would have recommended because it was so well done. one drawback was that the art gallery could sell it if dd agreed to that -- but they were taking a 40% commission!! i was like, this is so wrong because she's a high school student and they have to know these kids want to go to college and would need the cash. so i told her that she could sell it if she wanted to, but i'd rather see her keep it because i was her first sculpture in soapstone -- and also because my mom loved owls and it reminds me a lot of her. she can do with it as she pleases but i told her she should consider making something else and entering it to sell. i still think them taking 40% is wrong, but w/e.

surprised dishwasher!

so pretty much my meeting yesterday was a wash and i'm no more ahead than i was before and if anything, i'm more behind. but w/e. its too hard to discuss here, and maybe i'm not meant to talk to anyone but papa about it.

today is wednesday and its the day that my daughter goes to be with her dad. i get her this weekend and one could argue that i have her just about every night of the week except one so what am i complaining about -- but honestly, i think i hold tighter to her because i never got a grip on her brother.

so last night i would have liked to have stayed put -- coz it was cold and windy out and it was her last night with me before going to her dad's and she was going to make banana bread. but the housing authority has this "cooking night". and sometimes they give us things to take home (like a blender and a glass baking dish with a lid and a really great sharp chopping knife), and there is always food to take home. so i go. not because i need cooking instructions -- because i don't -- i've been cooking on my own for years and i know how to stretch a chicken (which was last night's topic). i mean, i know how to make a roasted chicken meal, and then use the leftovers for chicken salad, chicken noodle soup, chicken suiza (although they made chix enchiladas with cottage cheese and just the thought of that gags me).

at any rate, dd had said i should stay home because i knew how to do that and so i thought about it, until they came knocking at the door. usually, i end up doing a lot of chopping at these things. idk y they think i'm a good chopper or what, but i hate it. so i talked dd into going with me. and then she decided to leave because there really wasn't anything for us to do (except dishes, and we know how much i hate doing that). and she came home to make banana bread (a double batch). i stayed for a little while to chat and was told we would all get chix to take home, but that never appeared and when 8pm rolled around i left with recipes in hand.

i come in the door and dd has not only made the banana bread -- but she's doing the dishes. praise the lord!! i was so happy i didn't have to do them! and she was listening to music on her computer (which she had planted on the counter). she turns to me and says, "washing dishes isn't so bad if ur listening to music, mom. u should try doing it listening to music." to which i replied, "i listen to music all the time on my ipod and its still not fun."

at any rate, this is just rambling. but i was just wanting to rave about the fact that my dd did the dishes -- and this was the long way 'round version ...

tuesdays with benny

that title is benny's fault because when he emailed us all (whoever us all is) on sunday his subject line was Tuesday with benny – which reminded me of the book Tuesdays with Morrie. when i said that to him in the reply email, he wrote back and said he wondered if anyone (but me) would get the connection. sometimes i think i read too much and think too much.

so this morning when i was done reading my yahoo email, i checked out the news headlines and clicked on one that said that in the year 2007 nearly 700,000 americans went hungry. so then i had to go post that on my facebook. and then i got to thinking about how many ppl could we have fed with the $333,500 that has and will be spent on fixing up the church (i mean $70,000 to renovate bathrooms built in the 70's that still function very well seems like an excess to me). $300,000 is really a drop in the bucket and we did need to have the roof redone and the siding, too. but honestly, this whole thing is making me sick to my stomach. i feel like i need to express my feelings to someone other than the two ppl i know r as upset about this as i am. and here's the thing – my other church (where papa won't let me go anymore) was all about buying the land and the buildings and how much money were they going to spend??? its crazy to think that this is the way to “build the church”. building papa's idea of church is to feed the hungry, house the homeless, clothe the naked. i love the song “I Believe” by Don Potter because it says “his church will NOT be built by hands”. its not a physical structure. when will ppl get that through their heads. will they ever. its great to have a building to come to and gather in and worship together. but the building is NOT church. and the emphasis should NOT be on that.

honestly, idk what papa wants me to do here because on the one hand i keep hearing about yielding to the authority of the house and that would be the pastor and whomever else is “in charge”. but how can i when i feel so much like this is going against what papa wants there? and my friend made a good point, more and more ppl r coming every sunday – the place is becoming packed – is the building what is attracting them – i would hate to think that's what it is. i would love to believe that its the spirit there. ugh.

papa tell me what to do – speak out, stay silent and pray. idk is this one of those times when i'm supposed to take papa's strength and stand up for this? or is this what papa wants -- to attract ppl with a shiney building and then once they r in there he floods them with the holy spirit. too many questions -- like i said -- i do too much thinking.

Sunday

today is sunday. i like sundays because i get to go be with church (yeah, u read that right -- church is the ppl, not the building). at any rate, it will be a nice change from yesterday.

as u might recall i had dishes and laundry to do. well things got off to an ok start. but then i dropped a glass bottle of make-up foundation into my daughter's laundry basket by accident and it broke -- which made a big mess to the basket and floor. thankfully, i had already removed the clothes -- although now that i think about it, if the clothes had been in the basket the bottle would have been cushioned by them and probably would not have broken. at any rate, i got that cleaned up and decided to just buy her a new laundry basket (they r the cloth mesh kind so cleaning this up was nearly impossible).

while the laundry was going i did the dishes. there were so many of them that i had to put them not only in the drainer, but on a tea towel scattered across my tiny counter. but at least they were done.

after the second load of laundry was finished drying, i went out to the kitchen (where my washer and dryer r) to take the stuff out and put the third load of laundry into the dryer. what i found was a flood from one end of my kitchen all the way over to the outside door. here's the problem, i live in an apt. and my kitchen butts up against another tenants kitchen and if we both do laundry at the same time, one of us (or possibly both of us but since we're on a downward slope its usually me) gets flooded. the drain pipes feed into one major drain pipe, which isn't large enough to handle two washers draining at the same time and so it overflows. usually i try to listen to when she is doing laundry and time mine so that it isn't draining at the same time or not do mine at all until i'm sure she's finished. evidently, the same courtesy is not being afforded to me.

so i spent the next hour or so on my hands and knees cleaning it up with a sponge and a bucket (because i own a swifer mop that is useless in these situations). after i got the majority of it up, i turned on the fan to help dry things out further, but the mat in front of the door is still soaked and i'm not sure what to do with that since its rainy outside so i can't hang it up. the other issue is that it was running out from under my dryer, washer, and stove (since they all sit next to each other). i was alone so its not like i could move them myself and clean it up. what a mess...

on a bright note, i got to talk to someone who is going to the school where i want to go. i wish i could talk to them more in depth, but their time online is limited and there is some history there that i'm not at liberty to talk about right now -- so it makes for a some what awkward chat. and i did manage to go get my daughter a new laundry basket, all the laundry (except the towels) was washed and dried and folded, and i felt some sense of accomplishment. oh and at the end of the day i sold a scarf on etsy. so the day actually ended on a high note thanks to papa. so i will go be with church now and praise his name!!!

saturdays

my daughter just left to go to her dad's for the weekend. i have a double sink piled high with dishes on both sides and probably at least 3 loads of laundry to do. how is it that i get stuck doing this stuff by myself all the time!!!

enigma

I cannot forecast to you the action of Russia. It is a riddle wrapped in a mystery inside an enigma. Radio broadcast, (Oct. 1, 1939) Winston Churchill


i sometimes think i'm a riddle wrapped in a mystery inside an enigma. some ppl think they know all about me because of some or other statement i've made. recently i was pegged as a right winger -- wow, i've been an independent all my life and suddenly i'm pegged as a right winger. probably because i made a stand on abortion -- specifically partial birth abortions. oh yeah -- if u stand against abortion u have to be a right winger... does that person understand that i'm not in favor of the war -- that would make a left winger. i mean i wholeheartedly support the men and women who r over there fighting, but as a general rule, i hate war, i hate killing, i hate violence. can u put me in a category based on that? and where do i stand on gay rights -- can u peg me based on that, too.

ppl think they know me -- i'm so much more complex than the issues i believe in. there's a reason i register as an independent -- when i vote -- oh yeah, let's go down that road. i don't vote unless i feel there is someone worth voting for. so what does that make me -- i know, coz i've been called that -- unpatriotic -- anti-american. excuse me???

and don't expect that just because the person i voted for (this time around) didn't win, that i'm gonna curse the person who did -- because that's not what i'm about either. sometimes u have to look past all that "surface" stuff to see what's really there -- underneath.

just because a person's beliefs lean in a certain direction doesn't necessarily mean that u can label them accordingly. watch what u say. make sure u know before u put someone in a box and mislabel them. i don't fit in those boxes. because as we know -- i'm weird....

slipping through my fingers

i hate mondays -- especially the mondays after i've had my daughter for the weekend because i know she's going to be going to her dad's almost as soon as she gets home from school. yes, i'm firmly attached to my daughter. i readily admit that when she goes off to college i'll be an emotional mess, unless papa finds something else for me to do.

my problem has always been that i put my heart and soul into my kids (well, first it was my marriage and we see how well that ended). and of course, when i got divorced one of my children decided to live with their dad -- and i rarely saw him. even when he was supposed to be here for dinner or a weekend, he wasn't. it was really hard. then he went off to college and i had an even harder time.

my daughter was dating at that point and i could see her slipping through my fingers and it reminded me of that ABBA song.... but at some point in the last two years i have come to realize that once she's off to college, i'll have no life -- well, none that really counts for anything. lately, i've had a feeling that i should go when she leaves for college, but when i talk about it, it upsets her. yesterday we talked about it and her main objection is how will she visit me if i'm so far away, what will she do for holidays -- split her time between her father and me?

idk what to think anymore -- i'm so confused and sometimes scared about what life will be like without my children to mother. i'm already learning what that's like because of her brother and in some respects, when she goes to her dad's its a reminder of what it will feel like. i don't suppose that dads ever go through this sort of identity crisis. their identities rn't wrapped up in being fathers to children -- its usually wrapped up in what they do for a living...

at church yesterday i was holding a baby and someone said something to me about looking very comfortable and i said i would take a dozen babies any day... that's an exaggeration, but it reflects how much i've loved being a mom and loving my kids... that i would do it and do it and do it, all over again -- until i was too old to cradle a baby or chase after a toddler. and without that it makes me wonder who i am -- where do i belong and what is my place in the world. i know papa has a plan for me -- i just don't know what that is and sometimes the not knowing leaves me fragile and a bit scared.

i would never not have a place in my life for my children. its unthinkable. but how can i stay here when they won't be here... idk... who knew when i said i wanted to have the same kind of relationship with my children that my mom and i had that letting go would be so hard ...

Slipping Through My Fingers Video
oh and i wanted to insert this video so u could just click on it and watch it -- but evidently my html knowledge isn't strong enough to allow me to do that ....

i'm in a treasury!!!!

i'm in a treasury -- its my very first one and Anatasia (aka:mattscraftywife from etsy) just convo'ed me to let me know -- i'm so excited. i've never been in a treasury before. she picked my angel on my zipper pull item to put in the treasury! go check it out!!

mattscraftywife's treasury

too much to do, so little time ....

so i have a ton of stuff to do -- 8 manuscripts that need to be counted and a scrapbook for dartmouth college to do. i haven't begun the manuscripts because i've been in and out a lot since i picked them up on tues., and they really require large chunks of time. its hard when i get interrupted in the middle of counting them. the scrapbook i started yesterday but didn't get very far before i had to go out to pick up three more pieces of memorabilia that needs to be included. i don't want to work on that in the evenings when i'm tired because that REALLY takes a lot of concentration -- everything has to be perfect for them and must go in a certain order and be precisely spaced on the pages, etc. so, yeah.

at any rate, in the evenings i just like to crochet and veg in front of the tv and i've been making more of the queen's lace scarves for etsy and finished the third one last night. i wasn't really up for starting another one, and so i made some scrubbies -- see the photo. idk if i'll make matching dishclothes to go with them and sell them at etsy or if i'll give them as gifts at christmas. i have a feeling this christmas is going to be a sparse one and probably once again i'll be making a good deal of the things i give. i have a huge pumpkin to cook laying out in my kitchen that i'm planning on making pumpkin butter with -- but i need to get the maple syrup and sugar first and i'll probably need to get more jars from what i can tell. plus, i need to get my canner out of the storage and that entails washing it down as well. i need to make my applesauce first because the apples r just sitting there staring at me.

i got a turkey at the store the other day and plan to make that this weekend -- if it thaws in time. yeah, i know its not thanksgiving yet, but its a small bird (12 lbs) and the meat was cheap (59 cents a lb.) and my freezer won't hold much more. i figured i could cook it and break the meat down into meals and freeze some and make pot pie and soup and turkey salad for the next who knows how long.... u do what u gotta do to survive -- u know. if i had a big freezer, i could have gotten a couple of them, but i don't so yeah...

at any rate, i'm looking at all these "projects" and feeling like i'm neglecting my work on promoting my etsy shop at the most important time of the year -- but at least two of these other projects will generate a known income -- which is important right now since the rent hasn't been paid yet...

on that note -- off to get some of this stuff going ....

dead fish

ok so the last couple of weeks my daughter's beta fish -- whom we have had for over a year -- has been looking a little -- well, idk how to put this -- lethargic. and a couple of times i have said to her that i think her fish isn't long for this world -- trying to prepare her for the inevitable. she had cleaned his tank on tues. evening, and he really looked bad after that and so yesterday before she went to her dad's i said, i think ur fish is going to die on my watch. it was just a feeling i had -- and sure enough -- last night before i went to bed i checked on him and he's dead. really dead. not just laying there -- but DEAD!!

what u have to know is that she's had three fish in her lifetime. one lived a little while, one lived three days (i think he was sick when she got him) even though she'd read the bible to him every night, and then benji (yeah that was his name) who lasted the longest. she's almost 17 -- she can handle it -- but honestly, i hate that it happened while she wasn't here and i'm wondering if i should dispose of the remains while she's gone or wait for her to come home this afternoon. he's kind of "falling apart" -- if u know what i mean...

on that note -- i think i'll go work on something ....

voting

so i voted this morning. and what u have to know is that i have never voted in a major election before. i voted once, a long long time ago when bill bradley was running, in a primary election, but i never voted in the major election. ppl often ask me y and i tell them because i was exercising my constitutional right to withhold my precious vote from anyone i didn't feel was worthy of the position of president.
so today i voted, and essentially, my son and i cancelled each other's votes. but hey, its ok. i did my civic duty and voted. and it wasn't as complicated or as painful as i thought it would be -- which is a good thing! so if ur hesitating -- go vote...

just the way i am

so i caught the tail end of a movie i actually own -- Bridget Jones's Diary -- on the lifetime channel tonight. i love the part where mark darcy tells bridget that he likes her very very much -- just the way she is. and then it hit me -- that i'd like a mark darcy to tell me that he likes me very very much -- just the way i am. and then something else hit me -- its a darn good thing i have papa god in my life because he LOVES me very very much -- just the way i am.... thank u papa!!

blessings r abundant today

i just got featured in a blog!! its an interview i did a while ago and had sort of forgotten about. papa is so wonderful!! check it out!!

My Interview

Hoorah!!

well i sold the scarf below this morning -- the Queen's Lace One -- its probably a good thing i'm making another -- although the new one will be in snow white. i'm so excited -- i actually sold something after what seems like an huge amount of time since the last item i sold. thank u papa god! u r soooooo good!!

i've also got an order for some bracelet like lengths of beads to attach to watch faces. i'm so excited -- u would think i was a little kid. papa is so very faithful!!! thank u papa!!

Interview with Ruth's Creations

I recently stumbled across Ruth's Creations on etsy (she also had an ad here at my blog) and I was intrigued by the fact that she is donating a portion of her profits to a couple of charities. So I decided it would be a really cool thing to interview her and share that with you all. Please consider visiting her etsy store and purchasing some of her items. The money she raises will go to worthy causes -- as you'll read below.

ME: We'd like to know the basics. What is your name, your Etsy shop name, shop url, blog url, and what you make, do you have a family, pets, etc.?
RUTH: I’m Ruth Kubierschky, my Etsy shop is Ruth’s Creations at Ruth's Creations Etsy Shop. I’m currently blogging at Ruth's Creations Blogspot and Ruth's Creations Twitter (I’ve got more posts up on Twitter at the moment). I crochet, most of what I’ve been doing is baby blankets and hats but I do keep an eye out for ideas to expand my product line. I have two teenage children, a 13 year old boy and 17 year old girl, who are developmentally disabled (my son has ADHD/Asperger‘s and my daughter is, for lack of a better word, retarded).

ME: How long have you been doing your craft? How long have you had a shop on Etsy? Do you do crafts shows and fairs as well as Etsy? Where else can we find you to buy from you?
RUTH: I first learned to crochet when I was a kid. Back in 2000 or 2001 I made a couple baby blankets for a friend whose two daughters were pregnant, at the time everyone who saw them raved over them and said I should try making more to sell. I started out on eBay but found that my blankets weren’t selling there. From what I’ve heard since then, eBay isn’t generally a good market for handmade goods to start with. I’ve had my shop on Etsy for over two years now, will be three in June. I haven’t done any craft shows yet, as I have Epilepsy and can’t drive and transportation tends to be difficult. I don’t have any other online venues yet but I am considering branching out and am researching other websites.

ME: Who/What inspires you in your craft?
RUTH: The reason why I do it or how I decide on patterns? For patterns I have loads of pattern books where I find things to adapt, changing stitches or yarn types, that sort of thing. An example of this is the Cotton Candy Cowls I have listed right now, the original pattern was rounds of single crochet and I made them using a shell stitch I found in a blanket pattern.

ME: What do you like least about your craft? What do you like the most?
RUTH: What I like least? My hands get sore too fast sometimes and I have to take frequent breaks. This actually kind of worries me in terms of how long I’m going to be able to continue doing this as a business, my mom used to knit a lot and she can’t do it any more because she has arthritis in her hands now and it hurts too much. What I like the most? It’s fun! Crocheting is so enjoyable and relaxing it really doesn’t feel like work at all, sometimes I think my work time looks more like most people’s idea of leisure time.

ME: What’s a normal day like for you?
RUTH: I don’t really have a typical day. Some days after I get the kids off to school I work on my crochet for a few hours while the morning talk shows are on & then work on the computer blogging and listing after lunch. Other days I end up on the computer most of the day and work on my crochet in the evening after the kids go to bed. I’ve had a few occasions where I lose track of time and end up crocheting most of the night! When that happens I usually take a long nap the next day while the kids are at school, just to catch up on my sleep.

ME: What advice would you give other Etsy sellers or crafters just starting out?
RUTH: I don’t really know, I haven’t done nearly as much as I’d like in terms of sales so sometimes I feel like I’m still just starting out myself. Just do everything possible to keep learning and improving yourself and your craft, I guess.

ME: I see that your are donating a percentage of your profits to some charities -- can you tell us a little about them and why you choose to do that?
RUTH: My kids and I have been fans of Daniel Radcliffe ever since the Harry Potter films first started coming out. My daughter and I actually went to see him in Equus on Broadway in NYC in September. I’d recommend anyone to go see it, Dan himself and the production in general were absolutely brilliant! Demelza House Children’s Hospice is an organization that Dan has supported and promoted for several years, they provide hospice care for terminally ill children. As I understand it they’re run mostly through donations, clients who can’t afford to pay for their services don’t have to. Children’s Hospital in Boston and Camp Allen are organizations that my children’s godmother had services from, she got all her medical care at Children’s and went to Camp Allen, which is a summer camp for people with physical or developmental disabilities, for several weeks every summer. She passed away earlier this year and I wanted to have a fundraiser for them in November in honor of her, since her birthday was in November.

ME: What is your workspace like? Do you listen to music when you are making your items? If so, what kind?
RUTH: Crocheting is wonderfully portable, I don’t really have a special work space. When I’m home a lot of the time I’ll crochet while I’m watching TV or listening to a podcast on the computer (usually the FlyLady Channel on www.BlogTalkRadio.com). I also always bring a project along when I’m traveling; there have been many times that I’ve worked on a project during train rides into Boston for doctor’s appointments, for instance.

ME: What is one of your best moments as a crafter? A fond memory?
RUTH: I love all the positive comments from people who have bought or even just seen my work, it’s a good feeling that people enjoy it so much.

randomness

its sat. and my daughter is off with her dad and i'm doing laundry and working on some things. i just finished a new scarf -- its called queen anne's lace and i did this one in soft white red heart yarn. it looks almost like snowflakes -- which seems rather appropriate for the weather that is coming. i would list it on etsy, but evidently the category and items searches r "down" -- so i'll wait till things get fixed again. i had 399 ppl look at my wedding dress on etsy due in very large part to the thread about it. one person questioned the listing because it was neither vintage nor handmade (according to them). well, they got the not handmade part right, but it is over 20 years old (which is etsy's criteria for vintage) and its even over 25 years old which is the criteria for antique in the real world. and since etsy allows vintage, idk that there is a problem anywhere in there.

i've been thinking a lot about ways to increase my sales off etsy and drive more ppl to my etsy shop as well. its a lot of work. i need to redesign my business cards and make some labels for packaging purposes. i should be working on that but here i sit, writing this blog. i also picked up two estimates on thurs. that i need to count. but the motivation just isn't there.

i scared away two Obama campaigners from my door. this is the second time they have come to my door. frankly, if mccain ppl came i would probably scare them away, too. i'm not overly thrilled with either candidate right now and i'm not sure for whom or even if i will vote this time around. isn't that exercising my constitutional right to withhold my vote from ppl i think rn't the right person for the job. at this point, after listening to all the ads on tv -- i'm more inclined to think Mickey Mouse would be a better choice. i know i shouldn't voice these sentiments and i'll probably get grief from someone for saying the things i do. but i'm nothing, if not honest... my feeling right now is that i will pray that papa god steps in and takes control because without papa god -- we're all doomed. that's one thing i am really sure about!

i was reading linda's blog the other day and she cited James 1:2-3. i had to go back and reread it -- its actually underlined in my bible. however, i've underlined all the way through 8 because i feel that strongly about it. i'm trying to keep the joy in my heart even though the rent is late and i'm staring at a stack of bills and the laundry detergent is running out and we have no milk in the fridge. i know that papa is growing me through this -- i was made for such a time as this... and it will help me later when things get rough. papa has kept me from throwing a fit or crying my eyes out or running away -- i know without him through all of this i would probably be locked up somewhere. thankfully his mercies r new every day and he knows all our needs -- even before we do -- and meets them.

i think on that positive note, i'll go back to the laundry and start working on my business cards. blessings to u all.