what i've learned this year ....

things i've learned really well this year:

that the ppl that should love and accept u the most coz they r related by blood, usually don't and won't and will most likely disappoint u if u have any expectations that they should

that sometimes u have to stick ur neck out for what u believe in and that includes understanding that while sticking ur neck out, u might get ur head chopped off -- and mostly likely, the person(s) doing the chopping r related by blood (see above)

that just because u do stuff for other ppl and have compassion doesn't mean that those around u will have the same mindset and u need to be prepared to be disappointed if u think they should

that just because u think ur speaking english to another person who also speaks and understands english, doesn't necessarily mean that they will comprehend what ur saying

that if u expect things to change just because a large amount of time has elapsed and u've changed ur perspective on the situation, that it probably hasn't for the other parties involved

that u should never expect anyone to say they love u to u after u've said it to them -- most likely, they didn't even notice u said it and/or feel really uncomfortable with those feelings and thus, won't respond

that sometimes, it doesn't matter how old u r, some ppl think ur still 5 and treat u that way -- or worse yet -- that ur too old and stupid to know anything or contribute anything meaningful to society

and here's the most important thing i learned this year. that papa god can be counted on for just about any need u have and u just need to make a plan to follow him, because in reality -- he'll never disappoint u, he'll always love u, he will meet any need u have, he's a great comforter, and when ur really down, he'll carry u... that great joy can be found in resting in him and listening to his voice...

thoughts on dating ....

its been over 4 years since my divorce was final. mind, i think mentally i was divorced long before papers were filed. after my divorce, i took this divorce care class where they took u through all the stages of grief and basically tried to set u on the right path again. they said that for every 5 years of marriage it typically took 1 year of healing. i was married almost 22 years (missed that anniversary by 1.5 months) -- so by their calculations it should take me about 4.4 years to be completely healed, and ready to "date" again.

who r they kidding. the fact of the matter is that i'm not ready to date. i'm not sure i'll ever be ready to date. i don't want to date. ppl (friends) r trying to push me to date -- i'm shaking my head no. they r saying that i need to be taken out and treated nicely -- like a woman should be -- because i've never had that. they r nuts...

shortly before the divorce was final my daughter and i were at a store waiting in line to cash out and we got to talking about a friend who had divorced and remarried within a short period of time. at that point, my then 12 yo daughter spouted, "mom, ur not datable". i was stunned -- was it because i was too ugly, too old, too fat, too w/e? i needed to know so i asked and she said, "because ur a mom" -- like being a mom meant that i shouldn't be dating. and she's really kind of right on in that regard now that i have had time to think about it.

basically, what it comes down to is that i have a lot of insecurities and issues with dating. first of all, i don't trust my own instincts. and its not that i wouldn't mind having a companion to spend time with and do things together. i just don't want all the encumbrances that go with that. not on a daily basis, anyhow. and the other thing is that i'm not sure i'm meant to be with anyone but papa god.

when i first got divorced a prophet said to me -- u know that chip u have on ur shoulder that says u don't need a man in ur life to complete u -- well, i'm here to tell u u do, and his name is jesus. at the time i sort of blew it off -- but honestly, that is what my life has become -- jesus completing the picture.

so what do i do when presented with a male who might be interested in dating. i run and hide and protest because it doesn't feel right to me. in my head -- i'm married to jesus. what man can compete with that and come out on top?? none.

so to all my well-meaning friends -- stop trying to fix me up. i love u all dearly and i understand ur wanting to "help the old girl along" -- but the old girl is doing just fine with papa god as her man. and she can't wait for the bridegroom to come!!

Its a Wonderful Life

ok, i have decided that there isn't a clear direction with what u r about to read. it started out with this random thought about feeling as opposed to just touching and somewhere along the line it took a detour and meandered down this other path of how we treat others and how they then perceive themselves because of how we treat them, and eventually wandered back onto the intended path. honestly, sometimes my mind gets from point A to point B but doesn't take the most direct route. and maybe that's just the way papa made me -- all weird like that -- and u can take what u want from this -- or not take it at all and i certainly won't be offended in any way, shape, or form.

ever since i was a little kid my all time favorite christmas movie was 'It's a Wonderful Life" with jimmy stewart and donna reed. its a very unlikely christmas movie in the traditional sense except that the climax of the movie happens at Christmas time and there is a moral to the story.

at any rate, if u haven't seen the movie the basic premise is about a guy who decides to end it all because his life has seemingly been one bad break after another on his way to the dream he had. i won't give the ending away completely for those who haven't seen it, but i'll tell u now that u probably should see it -- its an old black and white film and its worth the nickel to buy or rent (i just got a DVD of it last year for like $10 and it included a copy of 'White Christmas' as well -- another favorite of mine but not THE favorite). usually around this time of year one of the stations will show it -- if not a few -- its one of those "classics".

i digress -- i never understood y i liked this film because the beginning is depressing and kind of traumatic in certain places (although no blood, guts, or gore like u will see in films of today). but probably what attracted me to it initially was the fact that in the film the angel's name is Clarence -- and my grandpa's name was Clarence. the other thing was that as i got older, i could really relate to george bailey's (the main character) plight because it seemed that often my plans for my life were unexpectedly altered by one bad break after another. still, the end of george's movie was always the same, never altered (obviously) and so there was reason to hope that perhaps things could change for me. u know -- that typical hollywood ending kind of thing.

one of the things that george discovers upon "revisiting" his life during the progression of the movie, is that he did things that helped others, doing things that other ppl either couldn't or wouldn't do, and if it hadn't been for him a lot of ppl would have had a different outcome in their life. because he touched other ppl, it changed their life outcome. he could feel their need and so, because he took a chance and stepped out and did what was needed -- others had better lives for it.

i got to thinking about this when i listened to this dumb kleenex commercial on tv the other day (touch, touch, touch, touch, feel). if u don't know which one i mean, wait a minute and i'm sure it will be on the tube at some point for u to see. at any rate, this thought process was then cemented firmly in place when i heard kris vallotton talk one sunday evening about the redwood trees. he explained (and here's one of those random facts that i'll probably store away in my brain and pull out from time to time to use in equal randomness) that redwood trees don't have very deep roots. instead, their roots spread out all about them from all sides and intermingle with other trees' roots. because they r so intricately interlaced with each other, if u remove the wrong tree from the forest -- then the next time a strong wind comes along it will knock down a bunch of trees around the tree that was removed. they are so dependent upon each other that their basic survival depends upon the trees around them.

so let's take this to the next level with the touch touch feel kleenex commercial. how many ppl do we, on a daily basis touch touch touch and yet never "feel" them. ok, i'm not talking physically here, in a dirty get ur mind out of the gutter fashion. i'm talking about feeling another person's pain or need. i get upset sometimes with myself because i see ppl and can sense that something is wrong and yet sometimes do nothing about it because of fear -- fear of being laughed at or making a mistake in my assessment or -- here's a good one -- rejection. but its much more than that -- how many times do i pass someone on the street who probably is hungry or homeless and i do nothing about it -- out of fear. would u bring a homeless person into ur home and feed them?? my mom did -- on more than one occasion and she even allowed me to do it when i was little. its what i grew up with, but in this day and age -- yeah, not so much. yet that is what christ asked us to do -- when we stand before god on judgement day -- we will be asked -- how many did u feed, clothe, house, undo the chains of injustice? how many of his ppl will u have intertwined ur life with to the point of knowing a need, and fulfilling it?

i'm not the only one -- i know that for a fact. and i hate seeing wasteful spending -- especially gobs of money like this recent bailout thing -- because i know that thousands of homeless and hungry ppl could be helped with that money. there r some ppl who say, well its just a drop in the bucket -- it really wouldn't help all that many ppl -- but how many ppl do u think we could house and feed for even say $300,000? or a million? its not a drop in the bucket to those ppl and for one small instance in time we made a difference in someone's life and maybe that's enough to turn things around for them. i know that self-esteem takes time to rebuild -- but someone taking a chance and stepping out at the right moment can mean the world to someone in need. my feeling is if u treat ppl like trash, they can only feel and act like that -- but if u treat them as if they have a value, a worth -- they will start to feel that way about themselves and will start to pull themselves up. but this society has a way of treating those who r down and out like they deserve to be there -- and it does nothing to help them get out of their unfortunate place in life. george bailey could say that he had helped ppl pull themselves up -- he treated them as ppl of worth.

if christ came to ur door asking for bread and shelter -- would u recognize him?? would u let him in? if he came into ur church -- would u know it was him?? what if he was dressed in rags and smelled badly -- would u know it was him then?? and what would u do?? would u shoo him out the door because he didn't belong in ur nice neat tidy little church with the appropriately dressed ppl?

is my life like the redwood -- intricately woven with other trees around me? because i know that there r ppl that i've connected with over the years who have helped me tremendously through bad patches in my life -- emotionally, physically, financially, spiritually -- that i will be forever indebted to. their presence is so intricately woven into the fabric of my own life as to be so tangible in many of the daily things i do. i can do those things and clearly, in my mind's eye, see the times i spent with those ppl who were influential in that way.

my mom's legacy was that she touched and felt ppl -- all the time. she did stuff -- what i would consider extraordinary stuff -- that helped others in really wonderful ways. some of that stuff i never heard about until after she passed away, but a lot of it i experienced with her and her influence is woven into my life in an enormous way. she was never a 'sunday christian' -- she was a christian in the truest sense of the word -- she fed the hungry, took in the homeless, clothed the naked -- she gave of what little she had to help others -- she would sit and talk with ppl who were in trouble and help them to make sound decisions about where to go next. she was intricately woven into other ppls' lives. and to some extent, they were woven into her's.

i want to touch and feel. i want to do the kind of "fasting" that the lord requires -- Isaiah 58 and Matthew 25 -- he's put that on my heart so much in the last year. i want a "wonderful life" in papa god, and i want others to have that as well. i want to be able, when i die, to stand before papa and look back over my life and see the places where i have helped change (in a positive way) the outcome of someone else's life. i want to be intricately woven in to the lives of the ppl i've been around and know that i had a hand in helping them continue to stand. i want george bailey's wonderful life. what do u want??

Offline at my Etsy Shop for Today (Dec.6)

In case anyone goes to my shop and wonders y i don't have anything but a vintage wedding dress listed there -- i'm doing the crafts show today and taking all my goods with me -- so i deactivated them for now -- but later today (sat., dec. 6th) after probably 6pm EST, i'll be back online and will relist whatever hasn't sold. so, please check back later. blessings to all....

my thoughts on craft shows....

so tomorrow there is a crafts sale here at the development that i live in. initially there were only supposed to be three of us and in the tiny community building, that would have been good. but on tuesday i overheard the organizer saying to someone else that there was going to be 7 of us and we would be limited to ONE table. well, i knew from the outset that i would need more than one table to put my stuff on -- i have jewelry (a ton of it) and crocheted items (also a ton) and so its going to be difficult to display everything on one table. i'm planning on bringing my smaller table and setting it up as well. in the same footrprint as one table i can accommodate an L shape with two tables. my biggest concern is will there be enough walking room for the ppl who come to buy.

i probably should have been out doing crafts shows for a while now -- but its always such a hassle. trying to fit everything u'll need into ur car and not forget anything, dragging everything there, setting it all up and if its outside, bringing an easy-up and setting that up as well, making sure u have the right amount of change so that u can make change, paying for the space, tearing everything down and boxing it all up, trying to get stuff back in the car exactly the same as it was when u came -- it just always made me think that there was a better way to make money. don't get me wrong, when i was making doll clothing and polar fleece outerwear, i did really well most of the time at crafts shows. but i also had a ton of stuff to haul there and back and packing the van became an exercise in the ridiculous. at least with the jewelry and crocheted items, there isn't a bulk of stuff to haul.

but i also found that i did really well with word of mouth sales and i had two spaces in two craft malls. plus, i had a website that i had designed and maintained where i sold a good deal of stuff. so, over time i found i didn't need to do as many crafts shows and that was great for me because i had two small children at the time and it was just really difficult to do this stuff.

this weekend is the only weekend i have my daughter till christmas and i'm going to be working the show all day sat. and she's gone all day sunday to her play rehearsal. so this is one reason i turned to etsy -- to sell my items all year round and not have to do many shows.

at any rate, i told my daughter the other day that i'm going to sell everything i have made (and there's a lot there) -- and i spoke that to two other ppl as well. there is power in words -- god listens to our words and we can speak our own truths. so i was speaking my truth there -- and here -- i'm going to sell everything!

Holiday Sale at My Etsy Shop

i'm having a holiday sale at my Etsy shop. 15% off everything in the shop and free shipping on additional items purchased after the first item. take a look. do ur shopping online at Etsy -- shop handmade and don't fight the mall crowds! plus, u'll be helping to support some really wonderful home-based businesses with ur purchases. Check out my Etsy shop!

a thanksgiving story

i tell this story every once in a blue moon -- usually around thanksgiving time because that's when this happened. and usually i get teary-eyed when i think about it. here's my best thanksgiving day story.

first off, u have to know that my mom was my best friend. i could talk to her about anything -- and i did. and she was the best cook i know. it was mostly self-taught coz her mom (my grandma) was a lousy cook. so my mom learned how to cook by watching other ppl and asking questions and reading cookbooks. she was an amazing person. she also, most of the time, made up recipes in her head and there they pretty much stayed. she rarely measured anything -- she just knew by looking if it was the right amount. and her food always was great. scalloped potatoes -- always the same consistency. she also felt this was a way to give something of herself to other ppl -- by gathering them around her table to feed them. it was her way of loving on us.

the other neat thing about her was that she always had an open door to anyone -- and i mean anyone -- she even let me bring home the hobos from the train station that wasn't more than half a block from our house -- to have dinner with us. she never showed any sort of disgust at the way they might appear -- she just invited them in and sat them down and fed them like they were family -- coz to her -- they were.

with all this cooking that went on, u would think that i would have gotten some sort of culinary ability -- but see even though i sat in my mom's kitchen and watched and sometimes she'd let me help, my brain never really paid all that close attention to what she was actually doing. i guess there was some part of me that thought i'd have mom forever so why did i need to learn to do it.

so u can imagine when my mom died when my son was just 3 months old how lost i was without her. i even said to my dad, how am i gonna learn to be a good mom now without my mom to show me how. and he said -- "she already showed u how -- by her example". still -- i missed my mom -- and when that first thanksgiving came around and we wouldn't be spending it with her and my dad (he went to my brother's in texas), i was lost.

i said to my then husband that i wanted to do thanksgiving like mom would have -- thinking it might ease my grief. little did i know what an impact that statement would have. i didn't know where to begin. a turkey and some stuffing seemed like a daunting enough task, but the big thing would be my mom's sweet potatoes. see my mom had her own way of doing sweet potatoes and there was no written recipe in any of her cookbooks for them. what i knew was that she always made them in an electric skillet and she always put apples in them. but beyond that, i really didn't have a clue. so my husband suggested i get the things i needed to make the meal, and at the grocery store i had a keen sense that i was to get 5 sweet potatoes and 3 granny smith apples. i didn't know y that ratio was important, but that's what i felt i needed.

the day came to make the meal and of course i have a 9 month old to tend to as well as make the dinner. after putting the turkey in the oven, i stood in the kitchen for what seemed like forever staring at those sweet potatoes and apples thinking, lord help me i wish my mom were here. suddenly i felt like i was being told -- in my head -- what to do. put the butter in the pan, a little more, good. peel and cut up the potatoes, and put them in the pan with the melted butter, good. now peel and core the apples and cut them into chunks, and put them in the pan with the potatoes, good. okay now add some brown sugar -- a little more, that's good. and don't forget the king syrup -- ok a little more -- good. ok now just let it all cook for a while and stir it occasionally. it was like my mom was there in the kitchen with me, telling me what to do, looking over my shoulder -- it was comforting and odd at the same time.

when it was all said and done, i was afraid to try them. i mean i still had the taste of mom's potatoes in my head -- it wasn't a memory i wanted to lose by trying someone else's. so i told my husband to try them and he said they tasted just like my mom's. then i tasted them and they did taste just like my mom's. that first thanksgiving with my son and without my mom -- was a turning point for me in the grieving process. my son had his first taste of my mom's sweet potatoes -- and i learned to live without my mom.

i would like to believe that papa god let my mom be there in that kitchen with me helping me that day. her one last blessing. because ever since that day those sweet potatoes have become a staple in our home. i make them every thanksgiving and christmas. sometimes i even make them just for the heck of it. whenever we go to my dad's he asks me to make them, and his girlfriend has gotten the recipe from me to make them as well. idk if my kids will ever carry on this tradition in their own homes, but i'd like to think that that little piece of my mom would carry down from generation to generation. that and her love for her family and all ppl. thanks mom -- u truly were the greatest mom and i still miss u!

get out of the boat

on sunday a friend came up to me at the end of the service at church and announced that papa told him to tell me that i'm supposed to "get out of the boat". i told him to shut up. its not that i don't appreciate the message -- its that i hate the vagueness of it. later he told me that i was supposed to read Matthew 14 -- the part where jesus -- who is walking on the water -- asks peter to come to him and basically tells him not to be afraid and to keep his eye on jesus. but for me -- this word, seems vague and its a tad annoying and irritating when what i'd rather have is solid answers. it would be better for someone to say, "papa says get out of the boat and go do such and thus." but that NEVER happens.

this is just one of the myriad of reasons why i started to hate prophets speaking over me and just one reason i stopped going up for a word during church for a long time. there is so much left open for interpretation and yeah, here it comes, mistakes to be made in the vagueness of it all. even when i hear for myself i have to wonder, is that really god and am i really interpreting it correctly. i questioned (and still do) myself all the time. and after revisiting my old church, it became clear to me why papa had me leave there -- because others were questioning me too -- actually others just felt i wasn't hearing from papa at all -- so he had to get me out of there so that he could speak to me clearly and not have me questioning or have others questioning. because when others questioned, it convinced me that i wasn't -- and he needed me to be convinced that i was.

so sunday evening, monday throughout the day and even already this morning, i keep hearing all these "messages" about not fearing. i didn't think i was -- but maybe i am. i thought i was already out of the boat -- not walking on the water -- but certainly keeping my eye on papa. and maybe he's just reminding me to keep doing that. idk maybe the worst isn't the now, but is left to come and i just need to focus on papa during this time -- maybe its a warning. maybe its an instruction to go and do -- and i'm missing it. see there is just too much room there to make a mistake on what i'm supposed to do with this "word".

i appreciate this friend a lot. sometimes it seems we're both at the same place -- we're not because he's so much farther ahead in the spiritual arena than i am -- but there is some commonality there that we can reach into and communicate about (fears, frustrations, etc.). and i feel really badly that i told him to shut up -- he doesn't understand how i take these "words". i apologized, but it doesn't stop me from feeling badly about it all. and instead of feeling good about getting a word from papa through someone else, i'm left wishing i didn't have to think about any of it because this is when i could (have) drive myself crazy just thinking about all the "what if's" that go along with it -- all the mistakes i could make trying to interpret it -- ugh!!

new things

today i made two new pieces with the help of my friend Frieda over at Deer Mountain Creations who cut out the original hearts. u can catch up with her blog here:
Deer Mountain Creations Blogspot
and u can check out her esty creations here:
Deer Mountain Creations Esty Shop
when she sent them to me i had originally thought i would take a different approach than what i ended up doing, but my original idea wouldn't fly. so i had my neighbor (who has this really tiny drummel drill) drill little tiny holes in them just big enough for an eye pin and i did a wrapped "bail" sort of thing on them. i really like the end results and u can view them here:
Heart Necklace Set #1
Heart Necklace Set #2

owl's this for focusing on what papa is doing ...

so some not so good stuff happening right now -- but i'm not gonna dwell on that and i'll explain in a moment.

but some great stuff happening too. i got an email yesterday evening telling me i was in an Etsy treasury. and then come to find out this morning that i was in two treasuries. they don't last long -- but here's the url's for now.
Treasury One
Treasury Two
its pretty exciting and this is my second and third treasuries on Etsy. both of the treasuries were put together by ladies on the CASTeam that i'm a member of. wonderful bunch of ppl.

so the reason i'm not dwelling on the bad stuff anymore is that i watched this video interview on YouTube that Bill Johnson did and he basically said that we're supposed to concentrate on what Papa has done and is doing and not keep a list of what he hasn't done because that's fuel for unbelief. i really believe its true. so i'm choosing to see the blessings i've been given by Papa and ignore the stuff that hasn't come. someone i know actually keeps a blessings journal -- and writes in it every time she and her family r blessed in some way. very cool!!!

on another note, my dd made this wonderful little soapstone owl in her art class. then her teacher nominated her as one of only a handful of juniors to put it at the local art gallery. her teacher told her that her sculpture is the only one she would have recommended because it was so well done. one drawback was that the art gallery could sell it if dd agreed to that -- but they were taking a 40% commission!! i was like, this is so wrong because she's a high school student and they have to know these kids want to go to college and would need the cash. so i told her that she could sell it if she wanted to, but i'd rather see her keep it because i was her first sculpture in soapstone -- and also because my mom loved owls and it reminds me a lot of her. she can do with it as she pleases but i told her she should consider making something else and entering it to sell. i still think them taking 40% is wrong, but w/e.

surprised dishwasher!

so pretty much my meeting yesterday was a wash and i'm no more ahead than i was before and if anything, i'm more behind. but w/e. its too hard to discuss here, and maybe i'm not meant to talk to anyone but papa about it.

today is wednesday and its the day that my daughter goes to be with her dad. i get her this weekend and one could argue that i have her just about every night of the week except one so what am i complaining about -- but honestly, i think i hold tighter to her because i never got a grip on her brother.

so last night i would have liked to have stayed put -- coz it was cold and windy out and it was her last night with me before going to her dad's and she was going to make banana bread. but the housing authority has this "cooking night". and sometimes they give us things to take home (like a blender and a glass baking dish with a lid and a really great sharp chopping knife), and there is always food to take home. so i go. not because i need cooking instructions -- because i don't -- i've been cooking on my own for years and i know how to stretch a chicken (which was last night's topic). i mean, i know how to make a roasted chicken meal, and then use the leftovers for chicken salad, chicken noodle soup, chicken suiza (although they made chix enchiladas with cottage cheese and just the thought of that gags me).

at any rate, dd had said i should stay home because i knew how to do that and so i thought about it, until they came knocking at the door. usually, i end up doing a lot of chopping at these things. idk y they think i'm a good chopper or what, but i hate it. so i talked dd into going with me. and then she decided to leave because there really wasn't anything for us to do (except dishes, and we know how much i hate doing that). and she came home to make banana bread (a double batch). i stayed for a little while to chat and was told we would all get chix to take home, but that never appeared and when 8pm rolled around i left with recipes in hand.

i come in the door and dd has not only made the banana bread -- but she's doing the dishes. praise the lord!! i was so happy i didn't have to do them! and she was listening to music on her computer (which she had planted on the counter). she turns to me and says, "washing dishes isn't so bad if ur listening to music, mom. u should try doing it listening to music." to which i replied, "i listen to music all the time on my ipod and its still not fun."

at any rate, this is just rambling. but i was just wanting to rave about the fact that my dd did the dishes -- and this was the long way 'round version ...

tuesdays with benny

that title is benny's fault because when he emailed us all (whoever us all is) on sunday his subject line was Tuesday with benny – which reminded me of the book Tuesdays with Morrie. when i said that to him in the reply email, he wrote back and said he wondered if anyone (but me) would get the connection. sometimes i think i read too much and think too much.

so this morning when i was done reading my yahoo email, i checked out the news headlines and clicked on one that said that in the year 2007 nearly 700,000 americans went hungry. so then i had to go post that on my facebook. and then i got to thinking about how many ppl could we have fed with the $333,500 that has and will be spent on fixing up the church (i mean $70,000 to renovate bathrooms built in the 70's that still function very well seems like an excess to me). $300,000 is really a drop in the bucket and we did need to have the roof redone and the siding, too. but honestly, this whole thing is making me sick to my stomach. i feel like i need to express my feelings to someone other than the two ppl i know r as upset about this as i am. and here's the thing – my other church (where papa won't let me go anymore) was all about buying the land and the buildings and how much money were they going to spend??? its crazy to think that this is the way to “build the church”. building papa's idea of church is to feed the hungry, house the homeless, clothe the naked. i love the song “I Believe” by Don Potter because it says “his church will NOT be built by hands”. its not a physical structure. when will ppl get that through their heads. will they ever. its great to have a building to come to and gather in and worship together. but the building is NOT church. and the emphasis should NOT be on that.

honestly, idk what papa wants me to do here because on the one hand i keep hearing about yielding to the authority of the house and that would be the pastor and whomever else is “in charge”. but how can i when i feel so much like this is going against what papa wants there? and my friend made a good point, more and more ppl r coming every sunday – the place is becoming packed – is the building what is attracting them – i would hate to think that's what it is. i would love to believe that its the spirit there. ugh.

papa tell me what to do – speak out, stay silent and pray. idk is this one of those times when i'm supposed to take papa's strength and stand up for this? or is this what papa wants -- to attract ppl with a shiney building and then once they r in there he floods them with the holy spirit. too many questions -- like i said -- i do too much thinking.

Sunday

today is sunday. i like sundays because i get to go be with church (yeah, u read that right -- church is the ppl, not the building). at any rate, it will be a nice change from yesterday.

as u might recall i had dishes and laundry to do. well things got off to an ok start. but then i dropped a glass bottle of make-up foundation into my daughter's laundry basket by accident and it broke -- which made a big mess to the basket and floor. thankfully, i had already removed the clothes -- although now that i think about it, if the clothes had been in the basket the bottle would have been cushioned by them and probably would not have broken. at any rate, i got that cleaned up and decided to just buy her a new laundry basket (they r the cloth mesh kind so cleaning this up was nearly impossible).

while the laundry was going i did the dishes. there were so many of them that i had to put them not only in the drainer, but on a tea towel scattered across my tiny counter. but at least they were done.

after the second load of laundry was finished drying, i went out to the kitchen (where my washer and dryer r) to take the stuff out and put the third load of laundry into the dryer. what i found was a flood from one end of my kitchen all the way over to the outside door. here's the problem, i live in an apt. and my kitchen butts up against another tenants kitchen and if we both do laundry at the same time, one of us (or possibly both of us but since we're on a downward slope its usually me) gets flooded. the drain pipes feed into one major drain pipe, which isn't large enough to handle two washers draining at the same time and so it overflows. usually i try to listen to when she is doing laundry and time mine so that it isn't draining at the same time or not do mine at all until i'm sure she's finished. evidently, the same courtesy is not being afforded to me.

so i spent the next hour or so on my hands and knees cleaning it up with a sponge and a bucket (because i own a swifer mop that is useless in these situations). after i got the majority of it up, i turned on the fan to help dry things out further, but the mat in front of the door is still soaked and i'm not sure what to do with that since its rainy outside so i can't hang it up. the other issue is that it was running out from under my dryer, washer, and stove (since they all sit next to each other). i was alone so its not like i could move them myself and clean it up. what a mess...

on a bright note, i got to talk to someone who is going to the school where i want to go. i wish i could talk to them more in depth, but their time online is limited and there is some history there that i'm not at liberty to talk about right now -- so it makes for a some what awkward chat. and i did manage to go get my daughter a new laundry basket, all the laundry (except the towels) was washed and dried and folded, and i felt some sense of accomplishment. oh and at the end of the day i sold a scarf on etsy. so the day actually ended on a high note thanks to papa. so i will go be with church now and praise his name!!!

saturdays

my daughter just left to go to her dad's for the weekend. i have a double sink piled high with dishes on both sides and probably at least 3 loads of laundry to do. how is it that i get stuck doing this stuff by myself all the time!!!

enigma

I cannot forecast to you the action of Russia. It is a riddle wrapped in a mystery inside an enigma. Radio broadcast, (Oct. 1, 1939) Winston Churchill


i sometimes think i'm a riddle wrapped in a mystery inside an enigma. some ppl think they know all about me because of some or other statement i've made. recently i was pegged as a right winger -- wow, i've been an independent all my life and suddenly i'm pegged as a right winger. probably because i made a stand on abortion -- specifically partial birth abortions. oh yeah -- if u stand against abortion u have to be a right winger... does that person understand that i'm not in favor of the war -- that would make a left winger. i mean i wholeheartedly support the men and women who r over there fighting, but as a general rule, i hate war, i hate killing, i hate violence. can u put me in a category based on that? and where do i stand on gay rights -- can u peg me based on that, too.

ppl think they know me -- i'm so much more complex than the issues i believe in. there's a reason i register as an independent -- when i vote -- oh yeah, let's go down that road. i don't vote unless i feel there is someone worth voting for. so what does that make me -- i know, coz i've been called that -- unpatriotic -- anti-american. excuse me???

and don't expect that just because the person i voted for (this time around) didn't win, that i'm gonna curse the person who did -- because that's not what i'm about either. sometimes u have to look past all that "surface" stuff to see what's really there -- underneath.

just because a person's beliefs lean in a certain direction doesn't necessarily mean that u can label them accordingly. watch what u say. make sure u know before u put someone in a box and mislabel them. i don't fit in those boxes. because as we know -- i'm weird....

slipping through my fingers

i hate mondays -- especially the mondays after i've had my daughter for the weekend because i know she's going to be going to her dad's almost as soon as she gets home from school. yes, i'm firmly attached to my daughter. i readily admit that when she goes off to college i'll be an emotional mess, unless papa finds something else for me to do.

my problem has always been that i put my heart and soul into my kids (well, first it was my marriage and we see how well that ended). and of course, when i got divorced one of my children decided to live with their dad -- and i rarely saw him. even when he was supposed to be here for dinner or a weekend, he wasn't. it was really hard. then he went off to college and i had an even harder time.

my daughter was dating at that point and i could see her slipping through my fingers and it reminded me of that ABBA song.... but at some point in the last two years i have come to realize that once she's off to college, i'll have no life -- well, none that really counts for anything. lately, i've had a feeling that i should go when she leaves for college, but when i talk about it, it upsets her. yesterday we talked about it and her main objection is how will she visit me if i'm so far away, what will she do for holidays -- split her time between her father and me?

idk what to think anymore -- i'm so confused and sometimes scared about what life will be like without my children to mother. i'm already learning what that's like because of her brother and in some respects, when she goes to her dad's its a reminder of what it will feel like. i don't suppose that dads ever go through this sort of identity crisis. their identities rn't wrapped up in being fathers to children -- its usually wrapped up in what they do for a living...

at church yesterday i was holding a baby and someone said something to me about looking very comfortable and i said i would take a dozen babies any day... that's an exaggeration, but it reflects how much i've loved being a mom and loving my kids... that i would do it and do it and do it, all over again -- until i was too old to cradle a baby or chase after a toddler. and without that it makes me wonder who i am -- where do i belong and what is my place in the world. i know papa has a plan for me -- i just don't know what that is and sometimes the not knowing leaves me fragile and a bit scared.

i would never not have a place in my life for my children. its unthinkable. but how can i stay here when they won't be here... idk... who knew when i said i wanted to have the same kind of relationship with my children that my mom and i had that letting go would be so hard ...

Slipping Through My Fingers Video
oh and i wanted to insert this video so u could just click on it and watch it -- but evidently my html knowledge isn't strong enough to allow me to do that ....

i'm in a treasury!!!!

i'm in a treasury -- its my very first one and Anatasia (aka:mattscraftywife from etsy) just convo'ed me to let me know -- i'm so excited. i've never been in a treasury before. she picked my angel on my zipper pull item to put in the treasury! go check it out!!

mattscraftywife's treasury

too much to do, so little time ....

so i have a ton of stuff to do -- 8 manuscripts that need to be counted and a scrapbook for dartmouth college to do. i haven't begun the manuscripts because i've been in and out a lot since i picked them up on tues., and they really require large chunks of time. its hard when i get interrupted in the middle of counting them. the scrapbook i started yesterday but didn't get very far before i had to go out to pick up three more pieces of memorabilia that needs to be included. i don't want to work on that in the evenings when i'm tired because that REALLY takes a lot of concentration -- everything has to be perfect for them and must go in a certain order and be precisely spaced on the pages, etc. so, yeah.

at any rate, in the evenings i just like to crochet and veg in front of the tv and i've been making more of the queen's lace scarves for etsy and finished the third one last night. i wasn't really up for starting another one, and so i made some scrubbies -- see the photo. idk if i'll make matching dishclothes to go with them and sell them at etsy or if i'll give them as gifts at christmas. i have a feeling this christmas is going to be a sparse one and probably once again i'll be making a good deal of the things i give. i have a huge pumpkin to cook laying out in my kitchen that i'm planning on making pumpkin butter with -- but i need to get the maple syrup and sugar first and i'll probably need to get more jars from what i can tell. plus, i need to get my canner out of the storage and that entails washing it down as well. i need to make my applesauce first because the apples r just sitting there staring at me.

i got a turkey at the store the other day and plan to make that this weekend -- if it thaws in time. yeah, i know its not thanksgiving yet, but its a small bird (12 lbs) and the meat was cheap (59 cents a lb.) and my freezer won't hold much more. i figured i could cook it and break the meat down into meals and freeze some and make pot pie and soup and turkey salad for the next who knows how long.... u do what u gotta do to survive -- u know. if i had a big freezer, i could have gotten a couple of them, but i don't so yeah...

at any rate, i'm looking at all these "projects" and feeling like i'm neglecting my work on promoting my etsy shop at the most important time of the year -- but at least two of these other projects will generate a known income -- which is important right now since the rent hasn't been paid yet...

on that note -- off to get some of this stuff going ....

dead fish

ok so the last couple of weeks my daughter's beta fish -- whom we have had for over a year -- has been looking a little -- well, idk how to put this -- lethargic. and a couple of times i have said to her that i think her fish isn't long for this world -- trying to prepare her for the inevitable. she had cleaned his tank on tues. evening, and he really looked bad after that and so yesterday before she went to her dad's i said, i think ur fish is going to die on my watch. it was just a feeling i had -- and sure enough -- last night before i went to bed i checked on him and he's dead. really dead. not just laying there -- but DEAD!!

what u have to know is that she's had three fish in her lifetime. one lived a little while, one lived three days (i think he was sick when she got him) even though she'd read the bible to him every night, and then benji (yeah that was his name) who lasted the longest. she's almost 17 -- she can handle it -- but honestly, i hate that it happened while she wasn't here and i'm wondering if i should dispose of the remains while she's gone or wait for her to come home this afternoon. he's kind of "falling apart" -- if u know what i mean...

on that note -- i think i'll go work on something ....

voting

so i voted this morning. and what u have to know is that i have never voted in a major election before. i voted once, a long long time ago when bill bradley was running, in a primary election, but i never voted in the major election. ppl often ask me y and i tell them because i was exercising my constitutional right to withhold my precious vote from anyone i didn't feel was worthy of the position of president.
so today i voted, and essentially, my son and i cancelled each other's votes. but hey, its ok. i did my civic duty and voted. and it wasn't as complicated or as painful as i thought it would be -- which is a good thing! so if ur hesitating -- go vote...

just the way i am

so i caught the tail end of a movie i actually own -- Bridget Jones's Diary -- on the lifetime channel tonight. i love the part where mark darcy tells bridget that he likes her very very much -- just the way she is. and then it hit me -- that i'd like a mark darcy to tell me that he likes me very very much -- just the way i am. and then something else hit me -- its a darn good thing i have papa god in my life because he LOVES me very very much -- just the way i am.... thank u papa!!

blessings r abundant today

i just got featured in a blog!! its an interview i did a while ago and had sort of forgotten about. papa is so wonderful!! check it out!!

My Interview

Hoorah!!

well i sold the scarf below this morning -- the Queen's Lace One -- its probably a good thing i'm making another -- although the new one will be in snow white. i'm so excited -- i actually sold something after what seems like an huge amount of time since the last item i sold. thank u papa god! u r soooooo good!!

i've also got an order for some bracelet like lengths of beads to attach to watch faces. i'm so excited -- u would think i was a little kid. papa is so very faithful!!! thank u papa!!

Interview with Ruth's Creations

I recently stumbled across Ruth's Creations on etsy (she also had an ad here at my blog) and I was intrigued by the fact that she is donating a portion of her profits to a couple of charities. So I decided it would be a really cool thing to interview her and share that with you all. Please consider visiting her etsy store and purchasing some of her items. The money she raises will go to worthy causes -- as you'll read below.

ME: We'd like to know the basics. What is your name, your Etsy shop name, shop url, blog url, and what you make, do you have a family, pets, etc.?
RUTH: I’m Ruth Kubierschky, my Etsy shop is Ruth’s Creations at Ruth's Creations Etsy Shop. I’m currently blogging at Ruth's Creations Blogspot and Ruth's Creations Twitter (I’ve got more posts up on Twitter at the moment). I crochet, most of what I’ve been doing is baby blankets and hats but I do keep an eye out for ideas to expand my product line. I have two teenage children, a 13 year old boy and 17 year old girl, who are developmentally disabled (my son has ADHD/Asperger‘s and my daughter is, for lack of a better word, retarded).

ME: How long have you been doing your craft? How long have you had a shop on Etsy? Do you do crafts shows and fairs as well as Etsy? Where else can we find you to buy from you?
RUTH: I first learned to crochet when I was a kid. Back in 2000 or 2001 I made a couple baby blankets for a friend whose two daughters were pregnant, at the time everyone who saw them raved over them and said I should try making more to sell. I started out on eBay but found that my blankets weren’t selling there. From what I’ve heard since then, eBay isn’t generally a good market for handmade goods to start with. I’ve had my shop on Etsy for over two years now, will be three in June. I haven’t done any craft shows yet, as I have Epilepsy and can’t drive and transportation tends to be difficult. I don’t have any other online venues yet but I am considering branching out and am researching other websites.

ME: Who/What inspires you in your craft?
RUTH: The reason why I do it or how I decide on patterns? For patterns I have loads of pattern books where I find things to adapt, changing stitches or yarn types, that sort of thing. An example of this is the Cotton Candy Cowls I have listed right now, the original pattern was rounds of single crochet and I made them using a shell stitch I found in a blanket pattern.

ME: What do you like least about your craft? What do you like the most?
RUTH: What I like least? My hands get sore too fast sometimes and I have to take frequent breaks. This actually kind of worries me in terms of how long I’m going to be able to continue doing this as a business, my mom used to knit a lot and she can’t do it any more because she has arthritis in her hands now and it hurts too much. What I like the most? It’s fun! Crocheting is so enjoyable and relaxing it really doesn’t feel like work at all, sometimes I think my work time looks more like most people’s idea of leisure time.

ME: What’s a normal day like for you?
RUTH: I don’t really have a typical day. Some days after I get the kids off to school I work on my crochet for a few hours while the morning talk shows are on & then work on the computer blogging and listing after lunch. Other days I end up on the computer most of the day and work on my crochet in the evening after the kids go to bed. I’ve had a few occasions where I lose track of time and end up crocheting most of the night! When that happens I usually take a long nap the next day while the kids are at school, just to catch up on my sleep.

ME: What advice would you give other Etsy sellers or crafters just starting out?
RUTH: I don’t really know, I haven’t done nearly as much as I’d like in terms of sales so sometimes I feel like I’m still just starting out myself. Just do everything possible to keep learning and improving yourself and your craft, I guess.

ME: I see that your are donating a percentage of your profits to some charities -- can you tell us a little about them and why you choose to do that?
RUTH: My kids and I have been fans of Daniel Radcliffe ever since the Harry Potter films first started coming out. My daughter and I actually went to see him in Equus on Broadway in NYC in September. I’d recommend anyone to go see it, Dan himself and the production in general were absolutely brilliant! Demelza House Children’s Hospice is an organization that Dan has supported and promoted for several years, they provide hospice care for terminally ill children. As I understand it they’re run mostly through donations, clients who can’t afford to pay for their services don’t have to. Children’s Hospital in Boston and Camp Allen are organizations that my children’s godmother had services from, she got all her medical care at Children’s and went to Camp Allen, which is a summer camp for people with physical or developmental disabilities, for several weeks every summer. She passed away earlier this year and I wanted to have a fundraiser for them in November in honor of her, since her birthday was in November.

ME: What is your workspace like? Do you listen to music when you are making your items? If so, what kind?
RUTH: Crocheting is wonderfully portable, I don’t really have a special work space. When I’m home a lot of the time I’ll crochet while I’m watching TV or listening to a podcast on the computer (usually the FlyLady Channel on www.BlogTalkRadio.com). I also always bring a project along when I’m traveling; there have been many times that I’ve worked on a project during train rides into Boston for doctor’s appointments, for instance.

ME: What is one of your best moments as a crafter? A fond memory?
RUTH: I love all the positive comments from people who have bought or even just seen my work, it’s a good feeling that people enjoy it so much.

randomness

its sat. and my daughter is off with her dad and i'm doing laundry and working on some things. i just finished a new scarf -- its called queen anne's lace and i did this one in soft white red heart yarn. it looks almost like snowflakes -- which seems rather appropriate for the weather that is coming. i would list it on etsy, but evidently the category and items searches r "down" -- so i'll wait till things get fixed again. i had 399 ppl look at my wedding dress on etsy due in very large part to the thread about it. one person questioned the listing because it was neither vintage nor handmade (according to them). well, they got the not handmade part right, but it is over 20 years old (which is etsy's criteria for vintage) and its even over 25 years old which is the criteria for antique in the real world. and since etsy allows vintage, idk that there is a problem anywhere in there.

i've been thinking a lot about ways to increase my sales off etsy and drive more ppl to my etsy shop as well. its a lot of work. i need to redesign my business cards and make some labels for packaging purposes. i should be working on that but here i sit, writing this blog. i also picked up two estimates on thurs. that i need to count. but the motivation just isn't there.

i scared away two Obama campaigners from my door. this is the second time they have come to my door. frankly, if mccain ppl came i would probably scare them away, too. i'm not overly thrilled with either candidate right now and i'm not sure for whom or even if i will vote this time around. isn't that exercising my constitutional right to withhold my vote from ppl i think rn't the right person for the job. at this point, after listening to all the ads on tv -- i'm more inclined to think Mickey Mouse would be a better choice. i know i shouldn't voice these sentiments and i'll probably get grief from someone for saying the things i do. but i'm nothing, if not honest... my feeling right now is that i will pray that papa god steps in and takes control because without papa god -- we're all doomed. that's one thing i am really sure about!

i was reading linda's blog the other day and she cited James 1:2-3. i had to go back and reread it -- its actually underlined in my bible. however, i've underlined all the way through 8 because i feel that strongly about it. i'm trying to keep the joy in my heart even though the rent is late and i'm staring at a stack of bills and the laundry detergent is running out and we have no milk in the fridge. i know that papa is growing me through this -- i was made for such a time as this... and it will help me later when things get rough. papa has kept me from throwing a fit or crying my eyes out or running away -- i know without him through all of this i would probably be locked up somewhere. thankfully his mercies r new every day and he knows all our needs -- even before we do -- and meets them.

i think on that positive note, i'll go back to the laundry and start working on my business cards. blessings to u all.

what not to wear ... sabina style

so last night i got the chance to help a friend go clothes shopping. she has a hard time finding things and wanted to get some "girly" looking clothes for this potential meeting with a fellow she met online. originally, my 16yo daughter was going to go with us, but my friend and i got kind of rowdy (ok, well mostly it was me) and sammy decided to stay home. probably a good thing.

my friend Sharon is a hoot. i love her dearly and she's a sister in the faith -- so its a rad kind of relationship. we can be so serious and talking spiritual stuff one minute and discussing our issues with men and laughing our heads off the next. at any rate, i was flattered that she asked me to help her -- because frankly, i don't do "girly". i wear jeans and t-shirts most days and even when i go for an interview i wear dress pants and nothing "frilly". and something u need to know about Sharon is that her nickname is littlebity -- she's short... so i'm sure its not easy for her to find things that fit (like don't hang to the ground).

so we went to this store where the manager, Heather, is like a riot. i go there because i have a card there and i get all sorts of deals because of it -- but i also go there because they have clothes that fit my misses/plus-sized body and Heather is a riot -- no seriously, i mean i like going there because Heather is a riot!! she makes the whole painful to me shopping experience a lot of fun. she jokes around and she's very good at making ppl feel at ease. evidently, Sharon likes to shop there for the same reasons.

at any rate, as we walked around Sharon would pull things off the rack and put them back and i would pull them off the rack after her, until i had an armful of things for her to try on. she was fussing about it, but truly if u don't try stuff on, u'll never know what it looks like on u. because things u might dislike on the hanger, might be the perfect thing for u. and of course, i was trying to remember all the "what not to wear" rules i've learned the last couple of years. and in the end, Sharon found a lot of really cute tops to wear and saved a bundle of money (due to sales and coupons and such). and we had a great time laughing and trying things on -- and Heather was her usual riot self. and its probably a good thing that sammy didn't go along coz she would have been rolling her eyes and all embarrassed at our behavior.

oh -- i also picked up a job application .... hee hee

the wedding dress update

imagine my surprise when i got home from helping a friend with her clothes shopping expedition to find out that someone from the TeamCAC that i am a member of had chosen my wedding dress to highlight in a forum thread on etsy.
Wedding Dress Thread
the views, which were at 68 when i left this morning, were over 237 last time i looked. and if u read through the thread about other ppl's wedding dresses, its just a fun thing to find out how ppl have handled their wedding dresses....
but thanks to everybody on TeamCAC for keeping the thread going because not only did the dress get views, but other items in my shop got views, too!! blessings to all....
here's the listing for the dress in my shop:
Wedding Dress listing

cold weather and crocheting ....

ok, just so u know -- i hate the cold weather -- i'm not fond of snow unless i'm inside and i don't have to shovel or drive anywhere in it. unfortunately, i live in NH -- and 6 months out of 12 we have cold weather and a good many of those have snow. and when i talk about cold i mean like 30 below zero with a wind chill factor making it feel like its 50 below. u go outside and instantly the hairs in ur nose freeze. its just brutal...

so when the cold weather comes, i bring out the knitting and crocheting. yeah -- i'm a jack of all trades and master of none. but the thing is that crocheting is one of the first crafts i learned how to do as a kid. my mom taught me. and i've been making afghans for as long as i can remember. last year i started a granny square one. i probably have 3/4 of the squares i need to finish it. but when i get tired of doing one thing, i pick up another kind of yarn and make something completely different.

where am i going with this -- well, it was snowing here (flurries) yesterday, and my daughter had decided a couple of days before that she wanted one of those round knitting tools and started making some hats on her own. because we were looking around in my stash (yeah, u read that right), i pulled out some yarn and made some scarves. today i put them up on etsy. because i decided that i want to make my shop for jewelry and accessories. so go check them out at Angelic Adornments
on that same note, i'm trying to decide if i want to set up a new shop with the Angelic Adornments name. i sort of already did, but i didn't move anything (costly) and i'd lose what feedback i have. but etsy has this weird thing that when u sign up ur username becomes ur shop name. i'm not the only person who misunderstood this and has ended up with a shop name that has nothing to do with their business name. but there are a lot of logistics involved in moving stuff to a new shop -- i think of all the places i have it listed as it is now and it makes me cringe. so i'm thinking i will just leave it the way it is for now and maybe some time in the future when i have more money (and time), i'll move it.

Tag -- You're It???

well i guess i'm gonna have to play this tag-you're-it game because i've been tagged by not just ONE but TWO ppl. so here r 7 random things about me ....

1. i want to go to ministry school at the Bethel School of Supernatural Ministry in california when my daughter graduates from high school. if i could go now -- i would ... but its not for this season ... so yeah ...

2. i love to read. if i could spend a most of my waking hours reading -- i would. unfortunately, there is no money in that ...

3. i used to have this unicorn fetish and i have a couple of boxes of unicorns all packed up. they have been that way for years -- i'm pretty sure my kids don't even know about this fetish because most of these puppies haven't made it out of the boxes since they've been in the world.

4. i like watching shows like project runway. i like sewing, but who knows y this show intrigues me... like i've said before, there isn't much i watch -- but for some reason project runway is like an obsession ... i blame it on my daughter because i didn't know this show existed until she showed it to me ...

5. some days i'd rather stay in bed than get up at all.

6. i hate doing dishes, but some how i always get stuck doing them -- and we don't have a dishwasher -- i'm it!

7. i miss having my mom around to talk to. she was my best friend and i could talk to her about anything. its been over 20 years and i'm still not really used to it. sometimes something reminds me of her and well, u can imagine ....

idk who to tag. everybody i would have tagged has been tagged it seems. and probably nobody would want to be tagged. but i'll give this a shot.

Becoming Lily
Glass and Fire
Doyle Jewelry
I'm Just Bein Me
Beading Jewelry Making
Upstate Fancy
Rebecca's Soap Deli News

teens ...

there r a lot of things i'm learning about teens. its never a good idea to ask a teen to take out the recycling on their way to the bus stop. honestly, its only about 12 feet from the front door (if that) and the bus stop is down the road and around the corner so nobody is going to see her actually doing it, but don't bother asking because u'll get the "what am i supposed to do with it" mouthing off and then u get the eye-rolling and sighing. u'd think she never has to take out the recycling -- oh yeah, that's right, she never does. just like she never helps to sort it either, and doesn't bother to take the labels and bottle tops off the cans and bottles she uses and throws in there.

don't bother asking a teen what they want for breakfast either -- they don't eat breakfast -- and if u try to force them, they give u grief about it. its just not worth the hassles.

actually, its not worth the hassles for a lot of things -- like asking them to help to do the dishes (or at the very least, run some water over that plate or in that cup they throw in the sink), take out the trash, clean their rooms, and god forbid that u should ask them to bring u their dirty laundry so that u can wash, dry and fold it for them -- especially if they r in the middle of watching some stupid video on youtube.com.

yeah, i'm learning that its just easier sometimes to do this stuff urself than to ask a teen to do it.

a good blessings day!

so sometimes at the local grocery store they have what r called "manager's specials". its usually in the meat, although there r sometimes other things that get marked down. and i tend to look for them when i can because like today -- they had two pork chops for $4.99 and i got $2.00 off -- and if i chop that up in a can of sauerkraut in the crock pot that will feed sammy and i for probably two meals. and they had some ground pork that was $2.00 off about the same price -- and i mixed it with an egg, some bread crumbs, garlic, salt, pepper and fennel seed and made 8 patties -- which is enough for four meals for sammy and i coz they r big. so i feel like accomplished some bargains today -- i should call them blessings.

i also got some free brita water pitcher filters. there is this thing called freecycle -- its an online board where ppl can post things they want to get rid of -- always free (thus, the "free" in the name). i belong to two of them -- two different towns. well this guy had posted them and i somehow missed them the first time and so i emailed him and said if the other person didn't show to lmk because i would come and get them. and the other person didn't show. so i drove out there and its a new box -- 6 total. we're set for a little while now. its great because i can't buy bottled water (no money) and i hate the taste of our tap water, so i just filter it. so there was another blessing.

i figured out that i'm probably going to make maple pumpkin butter for christmas gifts. i have the jars and lids for canning them, and all the spices. i just need the canned pumpkin (and i think i have one can in my cupboard) and some apple cider (which is prevalent this time of year) and a couple of tablespoons of maple syrup -- which shouldn't be too hard to come by. so yeah ....

the other blessings i got today came from the "veggie man". there is a group here called willing hands who goes around in this truck and collects produce and bread from the local stores -- this is stuff that is usually not in such great shape and they can't sell it so they donate it and then the wiling hands ppl come to all the low income housing places and distribute it. so there were two really nice avacados (which usually they r in really bad shape) and apples (all kinds -- makes the best applesauce in the world!) and a loaf of pane bread and a loaf of cinnamon raisin bread. i also got three really nice bananas. today was a good "veggie man" day. blessings all.

so all in all, today was a good blessings day!!

its tuesday!

so yesterday evening i was online and who should get on and send me a message about their lives but the person i spoke about below in the blank CD blog. very interesting since i had asked papa a couple of days ago that if this person wasn't supposed to be in my life to take them out of my heart so that i wouldn't think about them and wonder so much how they are.

on the job front, nobody has called. i'm still coughing so i haven't rescheduled the appointment with the other employment agency and i'm sitting here thinking about creative ways that i might get the money to pay the rent on friday. yesterday morning i was online with a friend and she asked me what i was going to do and i said, "pray for supernatural provisions over my checkbook" -- to which she laughed. she's a christian -- i think she's done this before without success and that's y she laughed. i'll keep praying for the supernatural provision over the checkbook....

i had all these plans yesterday to work on my jewelry and create some new pieces, but that didn't happen. my daughter wasn't feeling well and stayed home from school. i had been up at 3 am and was exhausted and so we both went back to bed. it made me feel bad when i didn't get up till 11 -- she didn't get up until almost 2. she said her father was coming to get her late (he usually comes at 4:30 -- although he gets earlier and earlier all the time). imagine our surprise when he walks in the door at 4:17. after she left i set about doing the laundry -- a chore i've taken to doing when she's not here because it "gives me something constructive to do" and doesn't take time away from our time together. i don't date -- probably never will -- and since i have no money i don't go out with friends. but even if i did -- i'm still sick, so i wouldn't subject anyone else to my hacking. at any rate, in the midst of folding the first load, i found chewing gum on one of my shirts. i don't chew gum anymore -- so i know its from her -- and of course it was all over the inside of my dryer and who only knows what other articles of clothing. i didn't even bother to look because i was just to mad. i'll find out when i go to put things on i suppose. she and her brother used to put their lip balms in their pockets and forget about them and they would go through the wash ok but when the heat of the dryer hit them they would melt and ooze out their gooey-ness all over the other clothes. and of course, because it had oils in it that stuff NEVER comes out. for a long time i managed to get them to check their pockets for stuff before they dumped them by the washer. then i stopped bugging because i hadn't found any surprises. i guess i'll have to start bugging again....

so on another note, i finally was approved for Project Wonderful. we will see how this works for me. i'm off to actually get something done today -- even if it is only going and getting a loan on my life insurance...

a plug for Pushing Daisies

i don't usually talk about what i watch on tv because frankly, even though there is lots of "stuff" on tv to watch, there isn't much i do watch. most of the time its a cooking show -- i love the show about Charm City Cakes in Baltimore because i used to decorate cakes and its near my old stomping grounds. but there is ONE show on a major network that i have come to love and that's Pushing Daisies. its about this guy who has the ability to bring ppl back to life for a minute -- any longer and someone else dies as he found out when he was a child and brought his mom back to life only to have the father of the girl across the street (that he secretly crushed on) drop dead. long story -- years later Chuck (as she is affectionately known as) ends up murdered and u guessed it, Ned brings her back to life. now they spend their time waking the dead to help a local PI investigate murders. of course there is this attraction between Ned and Chuck, but they can never touch or she will die again. so its the classic love struggle thing.
so y am i telling u all this -- to get u to watch it -- because the writing (dialog) is phenomenal. the first season it was interrupted by the writers' strike. now in its second season the viewership is down a bit -- who knows y -- and of course, for any show on the major networks, its all about the numbers (which is dumb, but w/e). if u watch this show and appreciate good writing, u'll like this show. and its quirky and funny and honestly, it just good fun. its on wed. nights (8pm EST) on ABC. check it out! ok -- commercial done...

songs on the CD

i came across this unmarked CD in the midst of a bunch of CDs from guest speakers and prophetic stuff that was spoken over me. it was unmarked, so i shoved it into my computer and all it had on it to identify it was track 1, track 2, track 3, etc. no names or anything. i clicked on one of them and instantly recognized the band and pretty much knew who had given it to me or at the very least had let me borrow their's to copy.

funny how a piece of music can bring back a wave of memories and emotions. some things r hard to let go of, some things i am hesitant to let go for fear of losing them forever.

ppl think i'm weird and i admit that i probably am not "normal" in the true sense of the word. i feel too deeply and carry stuff in my heart that belongs to others along with my own muck. idk if i would call it a gift -- although some ppl have labeled it as that. sometimes it feels more like a curse because i'd love to let go of some this junk and move it out -- or at the very least move me farther away from it.

this one particular thing i'm lugging around in my heart right now, along with all the fond memories, has a lot of pain and regret attached to it and of course, every time i come across a song that reminds me of it. i'm put right back into that place. part of me can't seem to let go of it because it was a starting point for me on a path that i'm now traveling. so there is a fondness there and a bit of thanksgiving for the blessing of setting me on that path. its like some sort of odd crutch -- that if i let go of it i might fall down on the path or stray and not be able to find my way back. its a ridiculous line of thinking because in reality, this person can't do anything to help me if i did stray -- nor would they probably want to. they have long since moved on to another dimension of their own path.

and i can look at this and say its a crutch and be all logical about letting it go and y i am having trouble letting it go, but that doesn't help in the process of letting it go. ok its like this medication i have for my meniere's disease. i keep it around, because i never know when or if i might need it, even though i really haven't needed it in a while, but i keep it just the same because what if i did need it and then i didn't have it to fall back on. its just silly and it reminds me that i'm not trusting papa to deal with it or to help me when i stumble. it reminds me that i'm looking to man to help me. but i'm not really because the few times i have stumbled lately, it wasn't man i ran to, but to papa.

ok, so now i've admitted that i have this issue with crutches. but its more than that. it like letting go of ur kid -- u know they need to learn to do it on their own, but u kind of want to be there to catch them if they fall. but u know u need to move away from it. and here's the thing -- there were times when i felt like maybe i was a bit of a crutch to this person, and hey, who doesn't like the feeling of being needed sometimes. but now its apparent that they have moved on and so y can't i. but i sort of have -- its just that sometimes i'm drawn back to that place by a song and the memory of when it was given and for what purpose and how it brought me to the next rung on the ladder to papa. yeah... those r good memories -- do i have to let go of those because the bitter ones r there too?? yeah ... not knowing on this one. but hoping that wherever they r and whatever they r doing that they r being blessed big by papa because if it hadn't been for all the times i got picked up and plunked back on the path -- i might never be where i am today... so bless them papa -- bless them big.

dreaming

i hate dreaming because i never know how to interpret the dreams. i mean r the things that happen in dreams significant or not.

lately, i've had a lot of weird dreams and i figure papa is trying to tell me something, i just can't figure out what. a couple of days ago when i first got sick, i went back to bed for a while and dreamed i was in japan without a passport and wondering how i got into japan without the passport and how i was going to get back to my country without the passport. i then spent the rest of the dream time trying to figure out the best way to get my passport which was on the kitchen table at home. only in real life -- my passport is in a lock box and the passport that is on the kitchen table is my daughter's. so go figure -- what does it mean.

last night (still sick) i dreamed i was somewhere where for the last two years i've wanted to go. and it was like i knew every square inch of the place and knew where every thing and everybody was located. and then suddenly i was in the church next to my kids' first school, and a friend i hadn't seen for a while was there and their mom -- turns out -- was working at the school and when i was hollering at them to get their attention they ignored me. then this guy from the CSI show i had watched last night was there and he was tripping over me to get to them and they paid attention to him and kept ignoring me and i was like -- ok, fine, w/e. its dumb, i know.

some ppl believe that dreams try to tell u something about urself and things in ur past or present or future and that ur supposed to pay close attention to them. other ppl think that dreams happen when ur spirit leaves ur body for a while and "travels" -- yeah -- ok, but were those other ppl in my dream traveling to my dream?? i kinda doubt that. still others just think that dreams r dreams and nothing more. idk what to think because there have been plenty of times when i've dreamed about stuff and then its come true somewhere down the line -- or its like an indicator of something that's about to change in my life.

if papa is trying to tell me something with these latest dreams -- idk what it is. and i'm too sick to really try and analyze it or care for that matter ....

friday

WARNING: i'm probably about to tick off a lot of ppl -- so if ur a smoker and don't want to get ticked off -- stop reading.
its friday and i'm sick. i've been sick for three days. right now the coughing is bothering me more than anything. i haven't been sick this much since -- well for at least 10 years. if not more. i used to get sick like this when i was a kid and my dad was smoking. then we discovered i was allergic to tobacco. he had to stop smoking.
so last december, we had a smoker move in next door. she signed a no-smoking lease and the whole complex is supposed to go non-smoking this coming january -- but she's smoking in the apt. ask me how i know -- because the smoke is creeping into my apt. how is that possible?? well the apt. were built on a slab and over the years the buildings have shifted and now any place where its supposed to be connected to the slab it isn't - so the smoke comes in because its no longer connected. so like at the bottom of my stairs and the downstairs closets. its really bad. the neighbor on the other side of the smoker is having the same issue and in some respects its worse for her because she's an ex-smoker. so the smell is making her sick to her stomach. i have air purifiers running in all of the rooms of my house (four of them) and it costs me a bundle to buy the filters for them, but i think if i didn't have them running, i'd be worse off than i am.
for years i told my kids about the dangers of smoking. of course whenever i would take my kids to get their dad at work (the hospital) they would see smokers outside and ask -- well if smoking is so bad for u how come doctors and nurses still do it. good question. now my son smokes a pipe. its gross -- thankfully he doesn't do it around me. of course, he'd land me in the hospital with an asthma attack if he did. i just don't know what got him started and i wish he'd quit.
i had an aunt who never smoked a day in her life, but she died a horrible death from lung cancer. her brother (my dad) was by her side for most of the last few months of her life and told me how awful it was watching her struggling, crying out from the pain, struggling to breathe, gasping for air. how did she get lung cancer if she never smoked -- she lived with a smoker. her husband probably smoked two packs a day. u could hear it in his voice when he talked.
the neighbor's voice is like that -- all craggy. she's quite proud of the fact that she's smoked for 40 years and has no intention of quitting. i don't care what smokers do to themselves -- but i care a lot about what they do to others. the neighbor has her daughter and her granddaughter (2 yo) living with her. does she not care about their health -- esp. the granddaughter?? when we had a residents' meeting a while ago to discuss going smoke free, she let it be known that she wasn't about to quit. but she's not smoking outside either -- which is what they r supposed to do. now that the weather is getting colder i kinda doubt she will, which means more smoke will come into my apt. and i'll probably be sick a lot. ask me if i like that idea?? last winter it wasn't as big a deal because i was working outside the home most of the time -- and when i came home i would air out the apt. but now i'm home all the time and we're really wasting energy if we have doors and windows open and heat on. so i turn the heat off and then i'm cold.
the other issue that has come up -- and part of the reason the complex decided to go smoke-free -- is that ppl have been caught smoking in their bedrooms -- with cigarette burns on the mattresses, etc. its like a fire waiting to happen. ppl have said i should just move. it should be so easy. it isn't. smokers think they don't hurt anyone but themselves -- but they r wrong and they need to adjust their tunnel vision and see how their self-gratification is inflicting harm on others. this woman doesn't care about the health of her own family, i doubt that she'd quit for my health.
at any rate, i guess for now i'll have to put up with the fact that for the third time in as many months i'm sick.

cool stuff

i am watching on ibethel.tv/onair the Open Heavens Conference that is being live streamed there from the Bethel School of Supernatural Ministry in Redding, CA. i love Bill Johnson's books and teachings and get all the podcasts from there as well -- so this is just so cool to participate in the worship service and then to watch the teachings. you should check it out:

Open Heavens Conference
once there u'll have to email them ur email addy so they can send u the code to watch the streaming -- and if u have a Mac (like i do), u'll have to download Flip4Mac -- but its so worth it. i have learned so much by watching and listening to messages out of bethel for the last three years, and from reading books written by Bill Johnson and Kris Vallotton. check it out and be blessed!!